9 Welcome to My Nightmares...

I think you're gonna like 'em. It is, after all, the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween. Everyone's a kid on Halloween. This immature writer's personal favorite holiday. The only time of year where our darkest fears are harvested and celebrated with wild and crazy fun. Our fantasies rule and reality bows out gracefully, like a mother lovingly watching her children play imaginary games without engaging too much. Create only the most gruesome of practical jokes. Scare the shit out of your friends and co-workers. Let the fake blood flow. Let the wolves howl, and the women in sexy costumes dance the night away…and candy…mmmmm, sweet, delicious candy.

This month I will be writing about some of my favorite horror movies. From the crown jewels of creepy to the sleaziest and cheesiest of Carpenter and Corman's creaky back closets. I'll also be unearthing some of the diabolically delightful TV horror hosts who introduced me (and everyone who grew up without the internet) to some of these films. Then, gather round the fire with your popcorn, hot rummy cider and hold your sweeties close because I may also wax dat ass nostalgic with some of my own tales told out of school about the maniacs, monsters, mayhem, and magic of my own malevolent, mangled memorrhea…

Fright Flick List Part 1: Vampires 

 There are certain movies that I've made it a tradition to always watch every year around Halloween. Of course I am not going to write about them all at once. This week I'll focus on strictly those Vampire movies which I feel are essential to the spirit of the season.

"SLEEEEEEEEP."

Dracula (1931): Many nazi vampire fanboys who also watch Buffy and those Twat-light movies would probably be very mad at me for not putting Nosferatu (1922) 1st on this list. Sorry, big children, this is my blog and I say Bela Lugosi is fucking Dracula. Nosferatu (Max Shreck/Count Orlok - so named because the studio making it could not obtain the rights to Stoker's book) is worth a look and definitely essential to watch if you want to be one of the world's dime-a-dozen, horror film-makers. (There is a 2000 film about its production called "Shadow of the Vampire" which is also pretty rad.) Dracula is, although quite cheesy by today's standards, the most important vampire film of all time because almost every frame of it is iconic. Compared to it, almost every other vampire movie made since is total garbage. For the artistic freedoms which were allowed at it's time, it was extremely true to the novel. Which itself seems almost as though it was written for film with it's fantasy-documentarian format. For some reason Coppola could not leave well enough alone and decided to redo it in 1992. We all saw how that turned out. So bad it was good. The out-takes on the Coppola DVD where he is arguing with Gary Oldman in full make up are really hilarious and worth the 5-7 bucks you'd pay for the dvd today. But, in my opinion, no one has ever surpassed the presence that Lugosi achieved in this film and no one ever will.

The Last Man on Earth (1964): The first film based on Richard Matheson's super dark 1954 horror novel, "I am Legend". This book was also made into "The Omega Man" with Charlton Heston in 1971, it was then over-glorified, cash-injected and scrubbed clean by Village Roadshow for the Will Smith version in 2007, and got it's final dumbing-down as one of those "mockbusters" starring Mark Dacascos the same year. If you have read this story or any of Matheson's other work you know he is a brilliant, and gruesome genius. His writing can conjure real fear, emotion and even physical sickness in some of his readers. He also wrote the books (that became films) "Stir of Echoes", "What Dreams May Come", "Bid Time Return" (aka Somewhere in Time) and some Twilight Zone episodes for Rod Serling. This film also stars the screen legend, and horror king, Vincent Price, but he is the subject for a later sermon...  

Salem's Lot (1979): Technically, this was a TV mini-series. Although it is always packaged in movie form today. Based on a novel by Stephen King. Directed by Texas Chainsaw's Tobe Hooper. Starring James Mason as the bad guy, "Hutch" from Starsky and (David Soul) as the good guy, Bonnie Bedelia (yum) as the damsel, Geoffrey Lewis as the weird-lookin' guy, and with an awesome cameo by none other than comic genius Fred Willard. This one resurrects the old Nosferatu buck-toothed style vampire. I love it and watch it every year without fail. Worth a screening. Hilarious, creepy, fun.

Interview With The Vampire (1994): Quite possibly the gayest Vampire movie ever made. Also quite possibly the best. It's based on homoerotic horror Queen Anne Rice's 1976 novel. Just about everyone in the world has probably seen this movie by now. As popular as it was, and still is, here in the U.S., it is twice as popular in Japan. I don't know what I could possibly say about it that hasn't already been said. I first watched it on VHS, on acid, in a dilapidated mobile home on an 18 inch screen around 1997 or so. I was later lucky enough to catch a special celluloid screening of it one October night at the Brooklyn Lyceum about 9 years later. It's a truly great supernatural adventure flick. One of the best ever created. Every time I watch this film it just feels like Halloween...




Other Vampire movies of note not detailed here: Lost Boys (1987), Fright Night (1985), Once Bitten (1985), Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), Vampire Hunter D (anime 1985), Blood: The Last Vampire (anime 2000), Blade (1998).

Vampira vs Elvira: Battle of the Hot Horror Hostesses

In keeping with this week's blood-sucking theme, I'm spotlighting the two all-time baddest babes of late-night, movie madness. If you're anything like I was as a kid, you loved everything about Halloween. The costumes, candy, pumpkin-carving, parties and pranks were all awesome. One thing I remember, in particular, was staying up late watching those classic horror and sci-fi flicks on TV in anticipation of Halloween night. Before we had the tremendous convenience of the internet, or the extra features on dvds - rags like Cinefantastique and Fangoria, obscure film-fan books, and wonderful TV horror hosts were the only way you'd ever have known anything about the weird, wild cinema you were watching. Thanks, Babes...

Vampira (Malia Nurmi) -  Inspired by Charles Addams, Malia showed up to a 1953 masquerade party as Morticia and was discovered by producer Hunt Stromburg Jr. She soon became the first ever late night, TV, horror hostess (or host for that matter). On "The Vampira Show" she opened each program with her trademark scream, followed by the classic line "Screaming relaxes me so..." delivered with a scary sexy smile. Unfortunately, I am way too young to have ever caught her show live. I first saw her as Bela Lugosi's undead bride in Ed Wood's awesomely awful Plan 9 From Outer Space. A role in which she had no speaking lines. It's sort of crazy that although she dated Orson Welles, she ended up working with a man dubbed the worst director of all time on a film considered the best-worst film there is. She's a great example of a talent way ahead of her time, Vampira was hated, misunderstood and even blacklisted by the idiots who ran Hollywood. She sadly passed away in 2008. It seems to me that she never really got the opportunities she deserved in life as the seductive, elegant icon of sex and death that she truly was. LINK. 

Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) - It goes without saying: without Vampira, there would be no Elvira. In fact, it was Nurmi who got passed over and was originally supposed to host her show. Throughout the 1980's Elvira hosted "Elvira's Movie Macabre", which lasted for 140 episodes over 5 seasons. Elvira was more burlesque oriented. She was less dangerous and edgy than her tiny-waisted BSDM counterpart had been in the sixties. This coupled with her tremendous tats probably explains her longer staying power on TV. Beyond her unforgettable boobage, she was also smart and funny. She would always provide some excellent background information on the cinematic cheese her show featured. She's been in a ton of stuff over the years - from a Fellini film to Cheech and Chong; from a James Bond (Diamonds are Forever) to Pee Wee's Big Adventure. She was even a guest commentator at Wrestlemania 2. I always loved Elvira because she was the only Vampira I knew. She also seems, despite her ditzy character acting, like a fun, intelligent and interesting woman. Also, me like boobs. LINK.


That's it for this week, Boils & Ghouls. Next week: Werewolves.

 

-2012 Wielgorecki