"You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right to beg for mercy.
You have the right to request judgement by combat.
Dwight's Rights."
Attention everyone. This is a PCP Exclusive. It's also as close to a clip-show as I ever want to come. As we all know, the Office is ending. It is sad, but, like Seinfeld, necessary. It's just in time, as Arrested Development is about to make its comeback. Like AD, everyone who starred on the Office was fantastic. It was a swirling cauldron of great comedic and dramatic acting, writing and improvisation that lasted almost a decade. While Steve Carell always delivered me the most laughs per episode, my favorite character on the show was Rainn Wilson's Dwight Kurt Shrute of Shrute Farms. With Dwight as his vessel, the pilot Rainn would constantly drop hilarious A-bombs all over Dunder Mifflin's Scranton branch and elsewhere. Here's some.
(Below each quote are its corresponding season-episode.)
On Marriage- "The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic. The weddings are a bleak affair."
On Healthcare- "In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion…you're dead."
On Ryan- "…He hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker, loser wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
On Kelly- "…The malleable simpleton who can be bought for a few fashion magazines."
On Oscar- "There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful."
Questions for Toby- "Where is the clitoris?" (2-2)
On Meredith- To Michael after he ran her over: "Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?"
"Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em."
(8-17)
(Below each quote are its corresponding season-episode.)
The Tiffany's Caper
"My Perfect Crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come. I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. 30 years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris at the Tracadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."
(5-9)
(5-9)
The Penis Museum
"So anyway, she says 'that is the biggest penis I've ever seen' and I said 'I know, that why I brought you to The Penis Museum where tickets are a thousand dollars.'"
(7-5)
(7-5)
 |
| Recyclops: An Evolution Revolution. A True Work of Art. (LINK) |
On Marriage- "The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic. The weddings are a bleak affair."
(3-15)
On Teamwork- "We're no more a team than the people who are staying in the same hotel are a team."
(7-14)
 |
| "Wanna see a magic trick?" |
On Healthcare- "In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion…you're dead."
(1-3)
On Horses- "A horse is a bike that pedals itself."
(7-5)
On being called Sasquatch- "Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet. So fine, call me a Sasquatch."
(5-12)
On Bears/Growing up Shrute- "Rule 17: Do not turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant elk during mating season. There are 40 rules all Shrute boys must learn before the age of 5." (in song) "Learn your rules. You'd better learn your rules. If you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep."
(5-12)
On Pop Music- "Who is Justice Beaver?"
(7-18)
On Michael- "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the Bouncy Bounce. Show em who's boss! Rip a hole in the SUUUUN!!"
(3-19)
On Holly- "…She stinks with her ways..and her…head."
(4-14)
On Jim- "Idiot."
(Multiple Episodes)
On Pam- Jim to Pam on phone: "Dwight says Hi." Dwight: "I do NOT. I DO NOT SAY HI, PAM!"
(5-2)
On Andy- "Idiot." (Multiple Episodes)
On Erin- "..Ya little hick."
(8-12)
On Daryl- Daryl: "You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass-hole, and tell her to eat dog food?" Dwight: "We thought that she was you."
(6-2)
On Phyllis- "Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis, I think you all know what I'm referring to, Michael has authorized me to form an emergency, anti-flashing task force."
(3-21)
On Stanley- (After his heart attack.) "Yeah right, I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise."
(5-14)
(3-5)
(6-22)
On her already-belated Birthday: "What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?"
(5-17)
(5-17)
On Angela- "I just want to be friends. Plus, a little extra. Also, I love you."
(4-2)
Michael: "Is she crazy in bed?" Dwight: "Yes."
(5-12)
(2-13)
On Kevin- "Someone attack me. Kevin, GO!"
(6-10)
"Hurl your feces."
(7-16)
"Where does gayness come from, and how is it transmitted?"
"Where are gay men's vaginas?"
"When 2 gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?"
(9-8)
"Where are gay men's vaginas?"
"When 2 gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?"
(9-8)
(4-1)
On Creed- "Thanks, old man."
(5-19)
"Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em."
(8-17)
Thanks, Dwight. Thanks Rainn for Dwight. Thanks to the whole cast + crew of the Office. All seasons. Both UK & US. Thanks Ricky Gervais, and Stephen Merchant for conceiving this hilarious show. Thanks ToHeavenOrHell for their awesome Recyclops trailer. Thanks for reading.
This Weekend: Office Arch-Villains + I clean out the primate cages on Toilet Theater. Be there.
-2013 Wielgorecki
========================================================================
"Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this, disappeared. His name, Creed Bratton."
(5-5)
"The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man."
(3-20)
"2 eyes, 2 ears, a chin, a mouth, 10 fingers, 2 nipples, a butt, 2 kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you, the Loch Ness Monster. And, the reward for its capture? All of the riches in Scotland. So I have 1 question. Why are you here?"
(7-14)
"What's a text?"
(5-15)
"Cool beans, man. I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there."
(5-8)
"Just pretend we're talking until the cops leave."
(5-8)
This Weekend: Office Arch-Villains + I clean out the primate cages on Toilet Theater. Be there.
-2013 Wielgorecki
========================================================================
Office Sidebar: OK, Creed...
 |
| B-O-B-O-D-D-Y |
(5-5)
"The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man."
(3-20)
"2 eyes, 2 ears, a chin, a mouth, 10 fingers, 2 nipples, a butt, 2 kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you, the Loch Ness Monster. And, the reward for its capture? All of the riches in Scotland. So I have 1 question. Why are you here?"
(7-14)
"What's a text?"
(5-15)
"Cool beans, man. I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there."
(5-8)
"Just pretend we're talking until the cops leave."
(5-8)
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