Apeshit Through the Ages
or...
The Monkeys' Business
Welcome. Sasquatch and friends came by and used my shitter this week. "The shitter's full. Merry Christmas." This TTP has 2 titles. (Think Moose & Squirrel) In it, we'll look at 4 shitflicks. Think the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, except they're apes. Damn dirty apes. Also, it isn't the Apocalypse. Just 4 mean poop monkeys. It may seem weird that I didn't include the inspiration for this blog's title: The Legend of Boggy Creek. Especially since this one is about crappy ape creature-features. The truth is I just felt like that would be masturbatory. Boggy's out. Fuck Boggy. This is Bloggy Robby. Let's get to it
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| Art imitates Art. Monkey see. Monkey do. |
w/Bonus Video Combo: Play LINK1. Watch LINK2 without sound while MSM plays. BONUS. (LINK1) (LINK2)
Nope, it's not King Kong. It's just Konga. Meh. Konga does more of a light saunter, than a rampage. When he goes to grab fleeing citizens, he kinda half-asses it. It's like watching a brat that hates baseball swing a bat. UH! Poor Konga. He was just an innocent wild chimp, before he was kidnapped and experimented on by a Frankenstinian kook. The kook's dope made Konga smarter, stronger, and more berzerkerier. You'd go berserky too, if you were a poor, hyper-intelligent, mutant, slave ape to the obnoxious evil scientist, young Dr. Alfred Pennyworth. Living in the shadow of his huge older brother took its toll on Konga, too. Unfortunately, since King Kong is such a big fuckin' star, Konga couldn't get ahold of him for help anyway. They're kind of estranged. Too bad. London could have had a real War of the Gargantuans on their hands. Instead, it was just Konga. What if he had been named Mr. PeePee instead of Konga? Different movie…If you ever feel you're at a point where you need to go dumpster-diving for an ape rampage picture, look here.
R.I.P. Master Actor Michael Gough 1916-2011
The Politics of Superhero Monkey Dancin'
Not many people liked British King Kong. Everyone will scramble to go see the British Batman and now, Superman. Those Media Brits should stick to what their good at. Re-selling Rock N Roll, disguising tyranny, the perpetuation of class-war, and having misinformed opinions about America. Not very nice is it? The funny thing is that I could be talking about the either the US or the UK with that same list. It doesn't matter.
Just make an Alternate Euro Superman, like the Russian one in Superman: Red Son by the brilliant Scotsman, Mark Millar. Do something new, or, at least respect and understand the culture you're appropriating. That said, Punisher War Zone was pretty cool. Britties and Frenchys also respect comics and the comic industry way more than Americkys do. I respect that. The English Language, however, is a goddamn logical clusterfuck. So, shit. No one is blameless in humankind's Devolution into Poop-Culture. We are all guilty. Fuck it. Go see British Superman. Do that Konga.
Welcome to Baboon Tower. I am not going to talk shit about Shakma. Baboons are crazy as fuck. They're like vicious dogs except 10x stronger and faster with an evil little kid's brain. Agile climbers and strong sprinters, you'll never evade one. It's usually not just one either. They take their whole fucking 20+ baboon families with them. If I was ever a rich guy, drug lord, etc., I would have some guard my estate. I'd have some Special Forces ones on deck too, with gas masks and shit in case my enemies got smart and used gas. The SOG ones would be albino and wear leather armor. They'd be fed mostly fish oil, gunpowder and red meat. Mostly.
They'd be trained not to fear gunfire. Who the fuck is going to sneak into a compound guarded by an unknown number of carnivorous baboons? Even if you pop a few of them. The others will get you. Their reflexes are so much faster than ours. If even one gets close, you're done. When they start tearing your body apart, you're alive. They usually start with the face and genitals, too. Guard Baboons sure could have helped out ol' Tony Montana, but he was too much of a narcissistic, sociopathic, numbskull to think of it. The dude sucks.
There I said it. Tony Montana fuckin' sucks. Nice speech impediment, dude. Say goodnight to the fuckin' bad guy. He was a real piece a chit, and if you hero-worship bitches like that, you're a piece a chit too. Good movie though. Almost as good as Shakma.
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It delivers what it promises. An absolute assault of the legend of the proud and noble recluse, The Sasquatch. Despite the brief boobity in this movie, I gave it only 1 star on Netflix. To give you an idea of my star standard, I rated Ghost Warrior (post 35) 5 stars, even though it is a horrible log. This turd only gets 1. It is an absolutely excruciating shit. Every character sucks sloppy Sasquatch anus. From Redneck, Tabacky-Teeth, Poacher, Shalashaska, to the Cokehead, Cryptozoologist Duo: Loud-Annoying-Fatass and Dippy-Dude. You'll hate 'em all.
At least most of them die. Rachel McAdams and Shakira's hybrid shines as the sensibly-skirted, warrior lady who's unafraid to fight the beast. Both her and the Sasquatch were apparently trained in both armed and unarmed combat. I wonder who trained him? Could it be? Another Sasquatch? Nah, probably whoever gave him that stylin' bone necklace. Watch this one only if you are a true-blue cinemasochist.
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| We 3 Apes of Bad-TV Are. |
This made-for-TV plop stars Danny Bonaduce, Barry (Greg Brady) Williams, Howard (WKRP) Hesseman, Sherilyn Fenn (aka the bitch-eyebrow girl from Twin Peaks), and the original King of Guillotine Comedy, Alice Cooper also makes a cameo. Bonaduce plays a dude named Harley. Harley is a radio DJ. (Quite a stretch for Bonaduce) Greg Brady plays has-been-hippy-rockstar/playboy-activist, Simon Quinn. As Simon, Greg and his chicks chain themselves to the Bonaduce bulldozers. What follows are the best computer-generated ape shits in film history.
Peter Jackson's King Kong was OK, I guess. But it didn't have Bonaduce, the most intense film and theater actor on the planet. Nor did it have Greg Brady's one-man, crapola, granola, music festival, Greg Brady punching Danny Bonaduce in the back of the head, or the worst Alice Cooper concert in Rock history. (After which, he is literally kicked off stage by the Bigfoot.) Besides, King Kong was just a remake. Bigfoot is an original. It may be the most important artistic, socio-politcal commentary on ecological preservation ever produced. It also may be total garbage. In this Bigfoot, they say Bigfoot smells like garbage. I think it's because he ate too many of the filmmakers who made him.
A blog where shitty Ape movies have devolved from the minds of men? Yup. Shot in real time. Flush 'em down. Make way for more brown. Next time, on Toilet Theater.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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