Our Poop-Culture continues to spiral out of control. We watch the universe of televised crap swirl about us. We grab what we can out for pleasure, or self-education. Sometimes you grab a treasure (see Betty White's Off Their Rockers), sometimes you find a turd in your palm (see American Ninja Warrior). And that's just NBC…There is a video online that has SpongeBob singing "Steppin' on the beach.." for a full hour (LINK). Try playing it sometime during a muted episode of Charmed, Highlander, Xena or whatever your favorite show might be. Test your might...
Hamhock Grope
So named for all its hammy inhabitants, Hamhock Grope is a quiet town with many horror-series-inspired secrets. It was originally known as Dexter Twilight's True Blood Carnivale. But the Hams decided that name was too long, and named it after themselves. Full sail. SPOILERS ahead...like it matters.
Meet the Hams
Madame Ham- Once a powerful X-man, she now fucks the brother of her dead husband. She takes magic eye drops for some fucking reason, seems to want to fuck her son, and has serious trouble with accent consistency.
Ellis Ham- as in Brett Easton. This guy read Less than Zero too many times. Son of Madame Ham. He's a rich teen rapist who has the power of that red light thingy from MIB. That's pretty handy for a dude that's this hammy. One powerful douche.
Largebody Ham- Madame Ham's daughter has a big-ass body. To do that monster body good she's gotta eat a shitload of food. She's got a fucked up eye. Also her head glows blue. She covers up the glow and fat eye with a nice big black crop of ham-hair.
Gypsy Wolf Ham- The messiest transformer in the land. Gypsy Wolf Ham lives with his Gypsy Witch Mama in the woods, and often hangs out with his whore-sister, who is a dirty, Gypsy, whore.
Strong Asian Freak Ham- The strongest Asian Ham in all of Hamhock Grope. AKA Ham Hands.
Blonde Ham- Just what it sounds like. She is Ellis Ham's cousin. She gets knocked up by a winged man. Then, while preggo, she bangs Gypsy Wolf Ham. Gross.
Introspective Ham- A young writer, who isn't half as eloquent as the mute Largebody Ham. She's supposed to be a teen, yet looks 11. She's friends with Sheriff Ham's twin tween sluts.
Egyptian Lover Ham- A hot black chick who is a lesbian werewolf huntress. She beats a preggo werewolf bitch to death and hacks off her head. She gets sweaty a lot. It's awesome.
Survival of the Stupid w/ Bear Grylls
Is that how you spell that dude's name? I guess. He's on a new show. He better make all those fuckers drink poo poo water. I would. What is it we love so much about watching entitled, lazy people cry, suffer and get scared? Perhaps I have just answered my own question. (see post 28- The Biggest Crybaby...)
Stanley Cup Slogans
Hockey is one of the most physically challenging activities in the world. It requires as much grace and finesse as it does brute strength and violence. This Year's Stanley Cup was brought to you by...
Discover = The worst credit, a credit card gan give.
Coors = (as I sip some) Lowering quality & our cost of production since 1951.
Honda = Coming Soon: Super Robot Wars
Verizon = The Real Life Umbrella Corporation.
enterprise = Buy the insurance, retard.
McDonalds = Gatorade/Coke/Disney/ABC. We can murder you.
Advil = When you'd prefer stomach and liver harm to the weed high.
Crown Royal = Pretend people like you.
Geico = More crappy insurance with funny ads. We also have that lizard.
John Hancock = Now accepting black-people-money.
United = We're an airline. Fuck you.
Subway = We just don't fucking care. Eat our shitty bread. Now with more colors and types of seeds…
Samsung = We're pretty good. Pretty…pretty…pretty…
Dunkin Donuts = When Taste No Longer Matters.
KIA = Another Korean Disappointment
GO Hawks!!!
YouTube Jewel Sack
Vice- If you aren't one of the millions who've already started getting the real world news, subscribe to Vice, now. (LINK)
VPN- The Video Podcast Network (TVPN). On Earth, there are about 2 billion podcasts produced every day. At least it seems that way. Needless to say, most of them are shit and dead air. Some of them, however, are triumphs of comedy. Most of the great ones are on VPN.
JASH- Another VPN Channel, JASH, is Tim & Eric, Reggie Watts, Sarah Silverman, and Michael Cera. They each have their own channels that feature new material, and some feature classic videos, too. It's easier if we do these individually.
Tim & Eric- There is a Tim & Eric channel (LINK), but both Heidecker (LINK) and Wereheim (LINK) have their own separate channels. Tim's is more acting-oriented, while Eric's is more directorial. For instance, I had no idea that Eric directed the intensely graphic video for Health's We Are Water. Killer. He's also done several videos for Major Lazer which are fuckin' rad. It appears that both these guys are as talented behind the camera as they are in front of it. Tim's channel features some kick-ass improv pieces featuring him and fellow hilarious genius, Brett Gelman. It also has a lot of Heidecker's stand up, which is stellar. Aspiring stand up acts could all take a page from Tim's book. If you were a fan of Tom Goes To The Mayor, Awesome Show, or The Comedy (see post 44) you'll love these.
Sarah Silverman- Every girlfriend I ever had, hated Sarah Silverman. I always loved her stuff. Sarah never pulls punchlines, and she's one of the best female comics out there. When she wasn't busy getting high and masturbating, Sarah's been entertaining us for almost 20 years now. Like her comedy, she's aged fantastically too. (probably all those weed-gasms) Her "Voices of Learning" series is fucking hilarious. (LINK)
Michael Cera- I'll start by stating the obvious: This kid is a true talent. Cera's channel features two short films: Brazzaville Teen-Ager, and Gregory Go Boom. Both films have great production values. Cera has created 2 realistic yet surrealistic flicks, taking a more artistic rather than a comedic angle with his films. If you want to see SuperBad, watch SuperBad. If you go looking for that kind of humor here, you won't find it. These films are 2 fascinating character portraits. I'm not going to spoil shit. Just see it: LINK.
Reggie Watts- I have sung the praises of Reggie here before (post 45). To quote Reggie himself "..Anything is possible, as long as you really try to disbelieve what you think you may know about it." All that's left to say is, watch listen and enjoy…LINK.
It is crazy how the world of entertainment is becoming so closely knit into its audience. In some cases, like VPN and its affiliates, this is positive and progressive. In other examples, like Hamhock Grope, it is trite and derivative. In either case, I can't wait to see what's next.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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