Clus-turd Works of Shart
Ah. Film as Shart. Welcome to its porcelain gallery. Tonight, as usual on Toilet Theater, we're taking a look at some of the most craptastic movies ever shot. (shat) Like many Toilet Theater features, they are all available to stream on Netflix etc. If you believe your mind is strong enough to emerge intact, put yourself through the hot, horseshit trenches that are these films. If not, I've already gone through them for you. I learned nothing. In this case, that's good. Thus is the nature of all shartistic masterspurts. Like Hollywood, we will all shit till we die…
Terminal Force, Galaxis, Galactic Force, Star Terminator, Robo Sonja in Space Wars… Go ahead. Pick one.
"I'll be back…"
"I'll be back…"
OK. I'm back. This is a movie about magic space crystals. It can safely be called the Double Dragon (see post 57) of Terminator/Star War rip-offs. (LINK) Not only is this intergalactic starshit helmed by the busty, blonde, brute, Brigitte Nielson (Cyberdine Systems Model B-900), you may recognize some of the others on board with her.
See if you can spot them all:
1. The Korean store owner from Michael "Pussy-Throat" Douglas's angry, acting opus, Falling Down.
2. The chick from Tron (1982).
3. Director Sam Raimi.
4. The British henchman dude in Cliffhanger. "Season's over, asshole!"
5. Bull, of TV's Night Court.
See if you can spot them all:
1. The Korean store owner from Michael "Pussy-Throat" Douglas's angry, acting opus, Falling Down.
2. The chick from Tron (1982).
3. Director Sam Raimi.
4. The British henchman dude in Cliffhanger. "Season's over, asshole!"
5. Bull, of TV's Night Court.
R.I.P. - Fred Asparagus 1947-1998
Read as Jack Palance: "This one, isn't a porno…Believe it..or not."
Legion of Iron is a tale as old as time. Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy. Boy plays football. Boy is unaware that his football skills are being scouted by some evil dinks. Evil dinks kidnap Boy and Girl while they're parked at make-out point. Evil dinks push Boy into steroid-based, combat cult in a clandestine desert fortress accessible only by helicopter. The Boy's name is Billy. A gross dominatrix molests him. Classic. Thankfully, there is a distinct lack of genital shots in the Legion of Iron, so the sex scenes are hilarious but retain an understated grossness.
Legion of Iron has a dude named "Warrior." That's it. Just Warrior. Most of the fight-jerks in this movie don't have last names or any fuckin' manners at all, for that matter. I mean if you're gonna fight a guy to the death, the least you could do is be polite about it. Haven't any of these damn, dirty apes ever heard of a t-shirt? Cripes. Imagine the smell. Thus is the essence of this martial arts epic.
Legion of Iron: FAKE-ASS Trivia
At the last minute, in hope of saving this cinematic shitstorm from its inevitable bargain bin placement, director Yakov Bentsvi called on childhood friend, and longtime collaborator, Woody Allen. Allen came on set one day, during the filming of one of Legion's many, awful, fight scenes. In what could only be called a mild, nervous breakdown, Allen angrily scurried around the set. Constantly, yelling at an incredible pitch, Allen berated his friend with verbal abuse as he pointed out every single one of Bentsvi's follies. Associate producer Mark Dane reported seeing Woody, repeatedly jumping up and hitting Yakov over the head with a clipboard. They later reconciled, and went to a big, choke-fuck party at David Carradine's house that night. Good times.
I always hate seeing the Mom from Pet Cemetery. It fuckin' sucks. This ass hole thinks she's actually hot? She's in this one. Damn. Lookin' at that face. Not cool.
This piece of shit also stars Rip Torn. It's about a girl Chucky. Pre-Tiffany. It takes a starving, homeless-man-sized bite out of Child's Play, yet it also gnaws on congealed bits of The Omen, and The Exorcist, without ever digesting them properly. If you like to see storytelling elements you've seen before done minus their original quality or impact, you will love Dolly Dearest. (LINK)
I was really hoping it was a remake of Mommy Dearest except with a doll instead of Faye Dunaway. My hopes were severely beaten but then hugged and kissed manically. It would have also been nice for the doll to use a funny old man's voice. "NO WIRE HANGERS, NEVER!!" Fortunately, the voice of Dolly is still pretty awesome. Maybe they should have had her do a puppet show version of Jay Z's version of Hard Knock Life with a bunch of other identical dolls. A puppet music video, out of time. That would've been the most.
Though I am uncertain of how many times you have to hear Eyeball Puss Mom say her daughter's name "Jessica" in this heap of feces, I am certain that I got sick of hearing that little bitch's name. If you think I'm out of line calling a child a little fuckin' piece of shit bitch, then you must not have seen this movie. That little girl is a total cunt. What should we even expect with stupid asshole parents like Pet Cemetery Mom, and Surfer Dude from Apocalypse Now Dad? Not much. Meh.
Badlanders AKA Prison Planet (1992)
"Mad Max meets American Gladiators in the Ultimate Road War."
-actual tagline
Badlanders, AKA Prison Planet, is true to its slogan. It was directed by the always tasteful, always brilliant, Armand Ganzarian. No, I didn't make that shit up. He's a real dude. Many of you may be thinking the same thing that I had: Sounds like the Secret ID of Seymour Skinner. I belive it was a nod to this legendary director. Ganzarian is known in most elite filmmaking circles as "Ganzarian The Great", or simply, "The Great."
Hot on the Heels of 1989's "Games of Survival," (Ganzarian's debut, a tour-de-force about a paint-balling-style alien who must battle other aliens on Earth.) Badlanders is from the heyday of this brilliant and mysterious creator's filmmaking odyssey- spanning over half-a-dozen years. How was Prison Planet, or whatever it's supposed to be called, concieved? Let's look at the facts: Armand Ganzarian saw Star Wars, Akira, Mad Max and Road Warrior. Years passed. In an attempt to remake both Mad Max and the Road Warrior as one single, better, movie, he hired some dudes with giant chests.(?) He outfitted said chest dudes with wigs and dune-vehicles. Bam. Badlanders. Prison Planet. Whatever you call it.
This minimalist Mad Max (Slightly-unbalanced Maxwell) featured Ganzarian's bold vision for a better Max, "Blaine." Yep, that's the hero's actual name. A name that strikes murderous fear in the minds of all who hear it. He kind of looks like if Christopher Reeve had a baby with Matt McCoy (AKA Lloyd Braun) of Seinfeld, Star Trek TNG, and The Hand That Rocks The Cradle fame. It isn't him though. Yes, surprisingly, it isn't the hybrid-mutant-love-child of two beloved actors. It's just some dude named James Phillips. After Phillips brought his little Road Warrior interpretation to the screen, he was told to go to his room, and never act again.
"You never could compete with LLYOD BRAUN!"
-Frankie C.
Miami Connection (1989)
This epic fight film comes from my shameful, beautiful, home state of FL. It stars the practically eyebrowless, master martial artist, Young Kun "Y.K." Kim. Thanks to the very awesome Alamo Drafthouse (LINK), we can all now enjoy Kim's cinematic shartwork. (LINK)
SPOILERS follow in my attempt at a full synopsis. See Kim fight. Fight Kim fight.
SPOILERS follow in my attempt at a full synopsis. See Kim fight. Fight Kim fight.
The movie opens with a classically inaccurate depiction of Ninjutsu. Some ninjas assault a drug deal. Some biker dudes go to a makeshift club where The world's greatest Tae Kwon Do band, The TKD Experience (featuring John Oates cousin, Don Oates) plays. The next day, YK Kim breaks up a fight in a UCF parking lot. That night, the TKD Experience, on their way home from a gig, are viciously assaulted by a bunch of dorky stick-fighters. Mr. Kim easily makes quick work of dispatching the stick-dorks. He and the TKD Experience go back to their friend's house to hang out with their shirts off and watch their black friend cry. The next day, they all go to the beach where they drive around, splash each other, and hit on ugly chicks. Orlando in the ass of the gay 80s.
A TKD lesson/demo with YK has him beating up on students, breaking bricks, etc. The stick-dorks come back. They beat up TKD Experience's favorite hangout's owner. A challenge is extended via a note carefully placed on Kim's car. 3 members of the TKD Experience, including Kim, show up for the fight. The stick-dork-gang leader is a guy called Bitchbeard the pirate. He watches from his car as the fight unfolds. The Cops show up and the fight is cut short.
Florida biker montage w/ Biker Ol' Lady boobs. Bitchbeard asks some bikers to help him beat up YK & friends. The montage continues. Shots of TKD Experience at home again, with their shirts off, feeding each other fruit (Really.) and reading mail. Shots of TKD Experience at UCF campus. Don Oates gets abducted by some gay dancers who work for Bitchbeard. YK and the tall dude (who started all this bullshit in the first place by fucking Bitchbeard's sister. The dumb lunk.) go to rescue him. Kim nearly gets crushed by a big, fat, red-haired guy in sweatpants. Instead, the fat dude is crushed by YK. Then, it's YK vs Bitchbeard: Final Battle? Bitchbeard dies, but their troubles have just begun. "No one escapes the Miami Ninja!"
A TKD lesson/demo with YK has him beating up on students, breaking bricks, etc. The stick-dorks come back. They beat up TKD Experience's favorite hangout's owner. A challenge is extended via a note carefully placed on Kim's car. 3 members of the TKD Experience, including Kim, show up for the fight. The stick-dork-gang leader is a guy called Bitchbeard the pirate. He watches from his car as the fight unfolds. The Cops show up and the fight is cut short.
Florida biker montage w/ Biker Ol' Lady boobs. Bitchbeard asks some bikers to help him beat up YK & friends. The montage continues. Shots of TKD Experience at home again, with their shirts off, feeding each other fruit (Really.) and reading mail. Shots of TKD Experience at UCF campus. Don Oates gets abducted by some gay dancers who work for Bitchbeard. YK and the tall dude (who started all this bullshit in the first place by fucking Bitchbeard's sister. The dumb lunk.) go to rescue him. Kim nearly gets crushed by a big, fat, red-haired guy in sweatpants. Instead, the fat dude is crushed by YK. Then, it's YK vs Bitchbeard: Final Battle? Bitchbeard dies, but their troubles have just begun. "No one escapes the Miami Ninja!"
More shots of YK and the Experience, shirtless at home opening mail. The tall dude goes back to banging Bitchbeard's sister. Ninjas arrive on Honda bikes. The fight moves quickly from the street into a swamp. The black dude gets stabbed, so Kim drags him through the filthy swamp water to try and revive him.(?) Tall dude kills some ninjas and several brightly-clothed, crew members are visible in the shots. Kim kills some ninjas too. Tall dude gets cut. YK shakes when he kills guys. YK vs Miami Ninja Leader: Final Battle? Finally. Kim wins. The black dude lives. The tall dude loses his shit. In the end we are left with this inspirational message from YK.
"Only through the elimination of violence can we achieve world peace."
"Only through the elimination of violence can we achieve world peace."
If we did achieve world peace, there wouldn't be actual dudes in Florida, wandering around with their shirts off in swamps with katanas. But there are. You bet your ass there are.
Don't shart yer shorts. Get your rocks off with your socks off. Until next time.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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