When I was a little kid, I had 2 favorite heroes. They were the Lone Ranger and Superman. Between the ages of 3-4, I almost always wore a "cape" (usually a towel my Mom fastened with a clothespin or safety pin) to run around the yard in. I also had a c-boy hat, mask and toy six-shooter too, and like all kids, I loved yelling out a hearty "Hi Ho, SILVER!" Superman was awesome to my kid self for one main reason- he could fly. I still wish I could fly. Who doesn't? That shit would be the coolest. As for the Lone Ranger, the fascination was with the mask. How a person could do justice, without anyone ever knowing their identity "Who was that masked man? He saved our whole town." Without the mask, the Ranger would just be another damn cowboy. "Never take off mask."
These two heroes have been resurrected again this summer at the movies. Duh. I saw them both this week.
The Lone Ranger (2013)
I went to see this at the Alamo Drafthouse in Littleton, which is the coolest movie theater I've ever been to. When you go see a movie at Alamo, you must adhere to a strict code of silence, but you are rewarded with being able to order Beer, Burgers, Snacks etc. during your movie from the awesome ninja waitresses who will bring them to your...TABLE? Yup, you get a table, and big-ass comfortable chairs too. The Beer selection is fantastic, and it "ain't no paper cup, I'm talkin' bout a glass of beer." Plus, pre-movie, they show cartoons and custom video mash-ups which are related to the film you're about to see, rather than lame-ass promotions for shit you don't care about.
Alamo's pre-Movie offerings: A Quick Draw McGraw cartoon. Fred Foy doing the old radio show intro. Old General Mills cereal commercials with Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels. A mash-up featuring the old (1980) cartoon that got me into Lone Ranger in the first place (not the best animation in cartoon history), a few ads- including an awesome Cheerios one, a crazy Tostinos one, and some hilarious clips from Ricky Gervais, Warwick Davis, and Stephen Merchant's killer show, Life's Too Short, featuring Tonto.
I won't shoot off any spoilers, but, I would tell anyone going to see this as an adult to tap into their inner, little kid brain before it starts. Otherwise, you'll get annoyed with the cute Disney shit. Despite the Disneyness of it, Lone Ranger is pretty brutal for a kid's flick. It takes a lot more to scare today's kids, it's good to see adventure films like this that have adapted accordingly. It was a smart move to bring in director Gore Verbinski for this one. Regardless of his overindulgence with the "Pirates" series (I blame studio greed.) Verbinski is a fantastic director. Disney, of course, wants to associate him only with their recent films, but he also directed the American version of The Ring (2002), and my favorite semi-recent Nicky C flick, 2005's Com-Drahm, The Weather Man.
This was a lot of fun. Seeing it at the Alamo Drafthouse made it even better. The Lone Ranger, though hypothetically pitiful in a fight against Superman, is by far the superior of the 2 films.
Superman (2013)
Dat Ho. Brought to you by IHOP, Sears, Nokia, and others under the GE/Universal umbrella. OK. I had an inkling that British Superman was going to suck. (see post 60...The Politics of Superhero Monkey Dancin') I will start this major-spoiler-free, nega-peek at this corn-pone, white-bred, wet dream of a movie with the little praise I can offer it...Superman flying looks cool as shit. Superman battling Zod and his minions (when they were fighting) looked bad ass. Also, Larry Fishburne was cool as black Perry White...what if they called him Barry White, instead? They had a little bit of good humor in it. Very little. I was also glad to see quality actors like Chris Meloni and Michael Shannon gettin' that paper. Those dudes kick ass.
KRYPTONITE RAY- ENGAGE!!
OK. Where the fuck is the Kryptonite? Where's Luthor? Where's Brainiac? Zod again? What the fuck is this "Codex?" Why is Lois Lane, fake-Pam from the Office? When was Superman a fuckin seaman on a crab boat? They had all that money. Were they just shitting on Supes, on purpose? If it was designed as a middle finger to Siegel & Shuster it is a triumph. I'm all for tearing down the mythos of a character and semi re-inventing their look. Comic books do this all the time. It can be done well. You can possibly even take some liberties with the character's timeline and origin story or add to them in ways that make the character more interesting or current (see Frank Miller). This movie tried to do all these things at once, and condense the Richard Donner's 1 and 2 into one film. This was achieved. Painstakingly bloatedly achieved.
What to expect: If you go see Superman, it's kind of like flying to London to get a cheeseburger at a McDonald's. Expect to see a whiny little bitch Superman (ala Bale's Bateman...I mean Batman...) Expect to be treated by the dialogue, as if you are as smart as a dog. Expect the timeline to jump around a lot. Expect blatant product placement. Expect enormous plot-holes to be explained in one sentence. FLASHBACK: Expect the timeline to jump around a lot. Expect repetition. Expect to leave with a gut full of goopy-cheesey British-made Americana sloshing around in your bloody American stomach. Expect to be beaten over the head with the names Kal El and Jor El. Superman is KAL El. His Dad is JOR El. Get it? Get it?? GET IT??? Expect bad ass special effects. Expect more repetition.
As I sat there like a rabbit in the hd lights, I was reminded of the Star Wars prequel trilogy. Like those were, Superman is in need of a serious fanEdit. It could probably be cut to like 20 minutes (it's 143) if you cut out all the sappy farm family bullshit. They really hook your mouth up to the shit-hose with that. Suck it, America. British Spiderman, British Bateman...I mean Batman, British Superman....American Sherlock Holmes?? More on all that another time.
It seems like the Superman movie franchise is truly cursed. Richard Donner, Brian Singer, and now, Zack Snyder. All great directors. All trying to be artistic, true, and fair to this great, legendary, beloved character. A fictitious space-man, who is in many ways, an international symbol of hope, and the belief that we can all be Super men and women when the chips are down, and lives are on the line. Superman is The Ultimate Alien Samaritan. I would have loved to see some other DC characters make cameos. Batman or Green Lantern could've been on TV. They could've introduced the Flash, or at least Barry Allen, pre-lightning. A hint of Doomsday would've even been cool. How about a wild card, like Deathstroke, Martian Manhunter, or Cyborg? Nothin'? How are we ever going to have a Justice League movie? Ving Rhames as Darksied, baby.
I think the reason for the Superman curse, is because it is such an iconic character. Every time a big film of it goes into production, you automatically get too many cooks in the kitchen. We all love Superman. Everyone remembers their first impression of him. Mine was George Reeves in rerun, Christopher Reeve, and the old Max and Dave Fleicher cartoons (to me, still the best Superman productions to date). But I was hoping this re-invented Superman would make up for in action, what I was sure it would lack in even semi-cerebral storytelling. It really didn't. There was just too much unecessary crap. Too much overdevelopment of shit people already knew. WITHIN the movie. I'm sure that was to accomodate a sequel that's probably already in pre-production.
If you think I'm being biased because I'm an American, and it was just the 4th of July this week, you're wrong. I hated Brian Singer's version too, although Kevin Spacey was rad as Luthor.
Watch out for Kryptonite. Watch out for snakes.
Happy trails, Kemosabes.
These two heroes have been resurrected again this summer at the movies. Duh. I saw them both this week.
The Lone Ranger (2013)
I went to see this at the Alamo Drafthouse in Littleton, which is the coolest movie theater I've ever been to. When you go see a movie at Alamo, you must adhere to a strict code of silence, but you are rewarded with being able to order Beer, Burgers, Snacks etc. during your movie from the awesome ninja waitresses who will bring them to your...TABLE? Yup, you get a table, and big-ass comfortable chairs too. The Beer selection is fantastic, and it "ain't no paper cup, I'm talkin' bout a glass of beer." Plus, pre-movie, they show cartoons and custom video mash-ups which are related to the film you're about to see, rather than lame-ass promotions for shit you don't care about.
Alamo's pre-Movie offerings: A Quick Draw McGraw cartoon. Fred Foy doing the old radio show intro. Old General Mills cereal commercials with Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels. A mash-up featuring the old (1980) cartoon that got me into Lone Ranger in the first place (not the best animation in cartoon history), a few ads- including an awesome Cheerios one, a crazy Tostinos one, and some hilarious clips from Ricky Gervais, Warwick Davis, and Stephen Merchant's killer show, Life's Too Short, featuring Tonto.
I won't shoot off any spoilers, but, I would tell anyone going to see this as an adult to tap into their inner, little kid brain before it starts. Otherwise, you'll get annoyed with the cute Disney shit. Despite the Disneyness of it, Lone Ranger is pretty brutal for a kid's flick. It takes a lot more to scare today's kids, it's good to see adventure films like this that have adapted accordingly. It was a smart move to bring in director Gore Verbinski for this one. Regardless of his overindulgence with the "Pirates" series (I blame studio greed.) Verbinski is a fantastic director. Disney, of course, wants to associate him only with their recent films, but he also directed the American version of The Ring (2002), and my favorite semi-recent Nicky C flick, 2005's Com-Drahm, The Weather Man.
This was a lot of fun. Seeing it at the Alamo Drafthouse made it even better. The Lone Ranger, though hypothetically pitiful in a fight against Superman, is by far the superior of the 2 films.
 |
| Geek Twins Chart Illustrated by Maurice Mitchell |
Superman (2013)
Dat Ho. Brought to you by IHOP, Sears, Nokia, and others under the GE/Universal umbrella. OK. I had an inkling that British Superman was going to suck. (see post 60...The Politics of Superhero Monkey Dancin') I will start this major-spoiler-free, nega-peek at this corn-pone, white-bred, wet dream of a movie with the little praise I can offer it...Superman flying looks cool as shit. Superman battling Zod and his minions (when they were fighting) looked bad ass. Also, Larry Fishburne was cool as black Perry White...what if they called him Barry White, instead? They had a little bit of good humor in it. Very little. I was also glad to see quality actors like Chris Meloni and Michael Shannon gettin' that paper. Those dudes kick ass.
KRYPTONITE RAY- ENGAGE!!
OK. Where the fuck is the Kryptonite? Where's Luthor? Where's Brainiac? Zod again? What the fuck is this "Codex?" Why is Lois Lane, fake-Pam from the Office? When was Superman a fuckin seaman on a crab boat? They had all that money. Were they just shitting on Supes, on purpose? If it was designed as a middle finger to Siegel & Shuster it is a triumph. I'm all for tearing down the mythos of a character and semi re-inventing their look. Comic books do this all the time. It can be done well. You can possibly even take some liberties with the character's timeline and origin story or add to them in ways that make the character more interesting or current (see Frank Miller). This movie tried to do all these things at once, and condense the Richard Donner's 1 and 2 into one film. This was achieved. Painstakingly bloatedly achieved.
What to expect: If you go see Superman, it's kind of like flying to London to get a cheeseburger at a McDonald's. Expect to see a whiny little bitch Superman (ala Bale's Bateman...I mean Batman...) Expect to be treated by the dialogue, as if you are as smart as a dog. Expect the timeline to jump around a lot. Expect blatant product placement. Expect enormous plot-holes to be explained in one sentence. FLASHBACK: Expect the timeline to jump around a lot. Expect repetition. Expect to leave with a gut full of goopy-cheesey British-made Americana sloshing around in your bloody American stomach. Expect to be beaten over the head with the names Kal El and Jor El. Superman is KAL El. His Dad is JOR El. Get it? Get it?? GET IT??? Expect bad ass special effects. Expect more repetition.
 |
| Eat my Kryptonite Fee-ist, Bee-itch. |
It seems like the Superman movie franchise is truly cursed. Richard Donner, Brian Singer, and now, Zack Snyder. All great directors. All trying to be artistic, true, and fair to this great, legendary, beloved character. A fictitious space-man, who is in many ways, an international symbol of hope, and the belief that we can all be Super men and women when the chips are down, and lives are on the line. Superman is The Ultimate Alien Samaritan. I would have loved to see some other DC characters make cameos. Batman or Green Lantern could've been on TV. They could've introduced the Flash, or at least Barry Allen, pre-lightning. A hint of Doomsday would've even been cool. How about a wild card, like Deathstroke, Martian Manhunter, or Cyborg? Nothin'? How are we ever going to have a Justice League movie? Ving Rhames as Darksied, baby.
 |
| J. Kirby's Darksied |
If you think I'm being biased because I'm an American, and it was just the 4th of July this week, you're wrong. I hated Brian Singer's version too, although Kevin Spacey was rad as Luthor.
Watch out for Kryptonite. Watch out for snakes.
Happy trails, Kemosabes.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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