Loose Stool Cannons
Written by a dude who also wrote a couple MacGuyver episodes, and directed by a dude who wrote and directed Jack Palance's dark vehicle, Alone In The Dark, Renegades is a hard-shootin' shitstorm of macho ass-piss. Kiefer channels the last of his youthful exuberance into a crybaby badass character he would never abandon again. Mr. Diamond Phillips is not Lakota. He's like an 1/8 Cherokee and 7/8 L.A. actor. Jamie Gertz is, as always, hilarious as the materialistic hot chick with dead eyes. It also has that T-Bagger dude from Prison Break, a show that sucked hard for 4 seasons on Fox.
The Lakota people are native to what we know today as North and South Dakota. Black Elk, was a Heyoka, or Comedian-spirit as well as a shaman to the Oglala Lakota in the late 1800s. Throughout his life he had many prophetic visions. Red Cloud was another famous Oglala Lakota. He was a warrior chief from that time. He famously defended the Wyoming/Montana Powder River Region alongside the Cheyenne and Arapaho tribes in what became known as Red Cloud's War. The most famous warriors of the Lakota tribe were Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull.
Do yourself a favor and go read about the REAL Lakota people and The Great Sioux Nation. Whether it's for education or entertainment, their history, spirituality and mythology beat the living shit out of the mean-street-shamanism and stunt gangster antics of Renegades. Bring a book if you plan to pass this turd. It seems longer than it is. I recommend Black Elk Speaks by John Niehardt.
No more dirty deals? In Florida? Are you fucking kidding me? Take a poo shaped like USA's Silk Stalkings. Then, take another one shaped like TNT's Thunder in Paradise with a twist of Son of Lemmon. Put these poops in a blender with some gasoline baywater and mix until smooth. Now shrink yourself down to the size of a little green army man and ride a little toy boat around your doo-daiqueri. This is the only way to truly simulate the experience of viewing this sunscreen fart bubble of a film without seeing it.
This movie features sex scenes and a strip club WITHOUT nudity. The strip joint features boxing match and thong shot mash-up music videos. Thankfully, the thong shots are all chicks. The muting of all profanity in this film was also pretty annoying. (Truthfully, I think this movie might have had the ol' Blockbuster treatment long ago and uncensored versions may no longer exist.) Even though it shows no real explicit material of any kind, NMDD still manages to really pour on the sleaze. You will probably get a good laugh out of just how much sleaze can be squeezed out of the grease-saturated "talent" in this aimless tropical crime cheese. Astounding.
The sound effects and music are where this grease really shines. The music was provided by Tampa FL's own Stranger, the greatest band that ever played songs for this movie. (LINK)
I am a big Mark Lester fan. Commando is still one of the greatest action movies made. Firestarter, Armed and Dangerous, and Class of 1984 are all also killer classics. This movie is shit. Blame it on Eric Roberts if you want. Take the easy way out. The truth is that Eric Roberts is actually a decent actor who's own irresponsibility got the better of him when he was young. His only crime was loving the smell of cocaine too much. He didn't ruin this particular movie. He didn't make it better by any means, but he didn't ruin it.
The one who sprayed shit all over this one was the kid. A fucktard stereotype of what Hollywood thought a rebellious teen was in 1999, played by Dazed, Confused, spankboy and TV actor, Esteban Powell. The trouble with him playing a teen was that he was 23, and looked almost 30. He was more annoying than any teenager you'll ever meet, and he was supposed to be a super-smart hacker dude. The problem with this was that the character really just wasn't equipped with the dialogue to convince anyone he wasn't an idiot, nor was he played by an actor capable of such persuasion. In the end you end up with a hitman, with an insipid sidekick, with the runs.
AKA Spyboner. These hard asses aren't from the streets. They are from top secret training facilities. This is the greatest spy thriller ever made. The guy in it looks like a live-action Archer. The chick looks a bit like Tera Patrick and is just as good an actress. No film has ever contrasted the horrors of war with the sweaty erotic love all male and female spies share so exquisitely. Not only is this triumph of action and suspense the greatest espionage film to date, it also proves (once again) that hands-free telephone headsets are the sexiest and most technologically advanced headgear a person can wear.
Dempsey sucks. He didn't learn shit from Can't Buy Me Love. In this dump that closely resembles 1993's The Fugitive, with Harrison Ford, we see a late 90s Dempsey still running uphill, trying too hard to be one of those popular kids. At the top of that hill was Grey's Anatomy and all of the sexually repressed cunts who stare at it. If Dempsey's rise is what you have to go through to be one of those popular people why would anyone ever bother? Even if they accept you, you're still that dork underneath. You'll never really be one of them. You shit on our house, Dempsey. You shit on yourself. You are Ronald fucking Miller. You can never escape.
The harder Hollywood squeezes, the harder they fall, one and all. I may pick a few more up and show 'em to ya on the next Toilet Theater...
-2013 Wielgorecki
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