To Halloween: A sugar rush for the love of fear! HO!
(You may now put on your special funky glasses which will allow you to see the 13 lingering-fart-ghosts of this Horrible Haunted Toilet...Not much to look at, are they? Take spf glasses off.)
And now...
House (1986)
House II: The 2nd Story (1987)
The Hole (2009)
Tower of Terror (1997)
Superstition (1982)
Why watch this movie? Is a fake head blowing up in a microwave enough incentive? How about a ghostly circular saw blade that buzzes its way through an old priest? They say that when one shops for a house: "Location. Location. Location." I think that means that it's important to buy a house in a neighborhood you like. According to Superstition, a neighborhood where a witch was drowned nearby is no good. Personally, I wouldn't mind it. I've lived in some pretty crappy neighborhoods in my life. Why be picky now? So a witch was drowned there. So what? It was a really really long time ago. At least there's a nice lake to swim in. A sturdy, well-maintained country road. Even if the house was a dump, I'd say the neighborhood is great. Plus maybe one night you're out in the lake and the witch ghost decides to get all sexy with you like that bathtub lady in The Shining. Oh, wait. Never mind. Location. Location. Location. (LINK)
(You may now put on your special funky glasses which will allow you to see the 13 lingering-fart-ghosts of this Horrible Haunted Toilet...Not much to look at, are they? Take spf glasses off.)
And now...
The Terrible Terror Toilet 1
Horseshit Haunted Hell House Hunt
Horseshit Haunted Hell House Hunt
Let us set afire an unholy bag of crap on the front step of the House of Flusher, we will brutally egg The House That Shit Blood, tip over the Amityville Port-O-Pottys, TP The Overlook, and smash Tim Burton, Billy Corgan and Dr. Phibes' Pumpkins on our way down the slippery shit-slopes of Haunted Hill. If the cops come, we can break into that one weird place and hide out with The Pee-n-Poo Under the Stairs. Here's some crappy movies about crappy real estate. Watch and hate.
Not to be confused with the unlikeable TV doc. Can you decide what this movie wants to be? It can't. Horror? Comedy? War Story? When the dude who moved into House was unfeasibly in 'Nam, he got real messed up. No, not from the horrors of war, it was Bull. See, Bull from Night Court was in the House owner's 'Nam-squad back in that particular day. This one time, Bull hid a tiny snake in the House guy's survival tin as a prank. That prank messed the House dude up so bad, he went crazy. Now he sees all kinds of puppets and shit in his House. Some lady he babysits for (whom he barely knows) thinks nothing of him coming out of the bathroom with her toddler son in tears?? Norm from Cheers lives next door. It sounds cool, but it's the sober Norm. Not as fun. By the end of this movie you may learn to hate the song "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt. Don't make that mistake. Despite its title, "You're No Good" is in fact very good, and should've never been associated with this House. It's House that's no good. Baby, it's no good. (LINK)
Still no good. There are 4 House movies. There's no way I'm watching all 4. This ends here. On the 2nd story: More puppets. Cliff Clavin. The dude from Ellen. Young Billy Maher. A Crappy Party. An Undead Cowboy Buddy. Unexplained Cartoony Dinosaur Shit. If you really want to have fun, play House and House II back to back at double speed, mute them and play house music over them. You can if you want. As for me, that's all the House I can stand for one lifetime. Dueces, Houses. (LINK)
Amityville Dollhouse (1996)
The nightmare sequences in this fecal film are the greatest things you'll ever see. While the original Amityville Horror was about a purportedly haunted Long Island house, Amityville Dollhouse is about a crappy haunted shed. It's also about a haunted dollhouse, a haunted fireplace, a haunted housefly, a haunted mouse, and a haunted McMansion. The McMansion was built by Bob the Builder's disappointment of a sleaze bag of a brother, Bill. Not much to say about Bill or his family. He might just be the worst electrician/HVAC guy who ever lived. There's no way that fuckin' fireplace is up to code, neither. The Amityville Dollhouse is a house of jerks. There's the science jerk, the prep/jock jerk, the biker jerk, the re-gifting Dad jerk, and a bunch of creepy doll jerks. Look out, Ye Amish Fools! Those dolls have eyes. Maybe that could be another Hills Have Eyes sequel. Sometimes you think the hills have eyes, but actually, the hills have thighs. That because it isn't hills at all. It's someone's ass cheeks which they have glued little goggly eyes onto. Watching Amityville Dollhouse is a lot like watching someone jiggle their googly-eyed ass cheeks in your face for 96 minutes. Big Bad Voodoo Housey. Really, it was a combination of half-assed craftsmanship, and haunting. And who's going to be the one to tell that little poindexter that his Mom is a weird slut? Not me. Owning a place in the REAL Amityville would be awesome. You'd be rich. On the real house, the windows don't look like eyes anymore. Wink Wink. Nudge Nudge. Say no more. (LINK)
The Hole is an unwatchable dark black shit of a flick about a hole in a house. Stink Hole. Gas Hole. Poo Hole. I'm talking about the acting mouth of the male teen lead in this movie. He's the worst actor that ever lived. Not just the children are shit actors in this one. The adult thespians are equally incompetent, stiff and unnatural on camera. In The Hole, two honky brothers move into a new house with their single Ma. Their house is the one with the anus under it. At one point the older brother tells his younger brother not to read so much because his science knowledge makes him sound like a nerd. "Don't say so many intelligent words. You sound just like some kinda smart nerd." What a shitty big bro. His character will probably grow up to be a terrible bitch. The kind of guy you could run over with your car and be OK with. "Ah, he was probably an asshole anyway." So you just keep driving. You move on with your life. Hopefully, you're never caught, and you never see The Hole. Uh. (LINK)
The Late 1990s. Swing revival or Ska revival? Which was the more shit-stained Satan? Who makes Steve Guttenburg a star? We doo. Apparently, America really loved that whiny nasal droning he brings to every masterpiece he's in. Personally, the guy makes me shit out my eyes. I'm more a Johnny 5 fan. In Tower of Terror, Steve moves into the Tower with his niece Kirsten Dunst. Weird. Terrible. Ghosts live in the Tower. The ghosts also suck. There's a lady from Walker: Texas Ranger and the guy who used his Birthday wish against Kramer on Seinfeld too. Tower of Terror is what all movies would be like if the Nazis had won. This movie is based off a ride at Disney MGM Studios, so at 89 minutes, it's about an hour and 25 minutes too long. This ride will hurt your mind and ears. Some of the acting will make you willfully poop your pants out of pure anger. Look kids, don't be like me. Don't watch bad movies and then take it out on your poor, innocent pants. Stay in school, be safe on Halloween, and never, NEVER watch Disney's Tower of Terror. Not because it's too scary, because it is infuriating, and will make you dumb. (LINK)
Join me again next time as we flush more scarily stupid movies down to Video Hell.
Same bat outta hell time.
Same bat outta hell channel.
Same bat outta hell time.
Same bat outta hell channel.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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