Mean Green Martian Dukes
All spaceworthy spaceships have shitters. Sometimes in space, a vessel must jettison its waste material. This crap floats and orbits all worlds throughout the galaxy. True dark matter. Poopsicles. Sometimes a filmer here on Earth will see what they think is a star and wish upon it. What they don't know is, they've just wished on an extra-terrestrial turd and its glowing gas array. Ignorant to this fact, the filmer will continue filming their film. Making wish. Unfortunately for their audiences, those filmers' wishes all came true. Here at Toilet Theater, we drown these cine-browns. Time to pluck some shining shit blobs from space and flush them down to Intergalactic Video Hell where they belong. I like to shout at it when I flush it down. "Damnspeed, ye pieces O Spaceshit!" I'll scream at it, as the blood boils into my eyes. It's cool. In space, no one can hear it anyway. Sometimes, wished-upon space-crap gloms together into clumps…much like the films featured in the following fecal cluster of cinema crap from beyond the Moon…I may need to bust out the singularity plunger, but they're all going down. You bet yer ass they are. It was Aliens, man. I seen 'em. Up on down there a ways. Here 'em am.
Devil Girl From Mars (1955)
Why are there Space Programs? They suck sacks and sacks of cash out of governments, yet every government that can afford one, has one. The answer is simple. Alien Pussy. It is the main reason for the riddickulously expensive, dick-centric world of space travel. All dudes who've ever been shot down by a lady, have peered to those lonely-night heavens and pondered: "I wonder if there's any chicks in space?" or "I bet Alien chicks are hot." According to Devil Girl From Mars, Mars needs dudes. Women naturally won the Great Sex Wars of Mars, and killed all theirs. The Girls of Mars subsequently sent their sexiest dominatrix to earth, cruising for cock. Her name is Nyah. She dresses like an S&M Magneto. She has a big robo, who's claws can crush an Earth-man's testicles like grapes. It seems like some actors in this movie are simultaneously auditioning for news anchor jobs. Why So Ridiculous? The plot is almost as silly as using a WW2 pistol to shoot at a Devil Girl From Mars. Kinda useless. I mean if a Martian Dom-lady came and offered you not only a trip to Mars, but a chance to dock your rocket in as many Martian babes as you could, you'd go. Any straight guy would. Sorry straight-wives of Earth, it's true. Plus, if you didn't go, Nyah's robo will totally squeeze your nut sack until it's crushed like 2 eggs in a balloon. Ow.
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Bad Girls From Mars (1991)
Bad Girls From Mars makes Devil Girl From Mars look like pure class. Like porn vs art. (A never-ending war.) There's tons of unnecessary boob-nudity in this spacey, erotic tale told out of school without a thought in its pretty little head. I must give the Bad Girls some credit, though. Showing bare boobs without a tip or tee? Not even a boob like me'd do that. Barbarella had boobs in it, too. But Barbarella I can respect. Bad Girls From Mars gets some credit for having the GUTS to call itself a movie. But respect? Not a chance. Somebody get these dizzy dames some Johnny Cab fare, will ya?
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Murder In Space (1985)
Deuce Delta? This is Control. Doo you read? Despite having 2 talented stars from 2 great sci-fi flicks, [Michael Ironside (Total Recall: OG), Wilford Brimley (Cocoon)] Murder In Space is still murder on the senses. If you were flipping through the dial back in 1985, and came upon this, you would just flip past it. Not because you thought it was a bad, made-for-TV, sci-fi crap-smear. Because you'd think it was an IBM or oatmeal commercial. The crap-acted accents in this one are reason enough to watch it. The fun doesn't end there though. There's Wilford B's obvious contempt for his cast-mates. There's anti-commie propaganda like only 1985 can offer. There's mystery. There's the fact that this was a strange attempt by Viacom to bribe it's audience into watching pure poop. When Murder In Space first aired, it used the tried and true "To Be Continued…" method. As incentive to watch the rest of it and further murder your brains, Showtime offered $25K and a trip to anywhere in the world to one who could solve this monkey fist of a mystery. "Look, just watch this OK? You pay attention. We'll pay you." Murder In Space shits into your eyes and ears, and envelops the brain in a farty space-fog. Who am the Ad Wizard who came up with this one? Rad-Ass-Crap The Brown?(LINK)
I could use this paragraph to talk about how stupid the idea of a sequel to War of the Worlds is. I could use it to say a few words about how remakes and "mockbusters" are moronic wastes of money and time. I could even go on at length about how sparse and seldom book-to-film storytelling equalities are. But why do that when I could be making fun of C. Thomas Goddamn Howell? Like taking a dump into the Grand Canyon. This is what the film career of CTH is to the movie industry. It doesn't really make much difference, but it sure doesn't do much good. Remember the Hitcher? Uh. Just imagine this dude in a coke fit. Fuck. If he pulled that shit in my house, I'd taze him in the face. Mybe he's not that bad. I would never choke the fuckin' shit out of him, as C's probably done to many LA-area prostitutes. WOTW2 is not campy. It isn't fun. Even really dumb kids will think it sucks. I've never seen the S.S. (Steven Spielburg) version, but I hear good things. Minority Report is really awesome. Most stories by Phillip K. Dick are, despite him being born a Dick. Rather than waste your brain's electricity on seeing Grey Thomas Howell howl harsh farts from his hammy mouth-hole, read the Exegesis or short fiction of Phillip K. Dick. It will make you smarter and more imaginative, instead of making you watch C. Thomas and Kid from Kid N Play walk through rubber alien anal glands.
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Other Great Films Featuring C. Tommy
Soul Man (1986) As Blackface.
Kid (1990) As Kid.
Dead Fire (1997) As Blonde.
Hitman's Run (1999) See Post 75.
The Hillside Strangler (2004) "Playing" a serial killer.
The DaVinci Treasure (2006) As Non-Hanks.
Mutant Zombie Vampires From The Hood (2008) As Soul Man.
That's all the asstro poo-pods for this Halloween. There's a ton more out there. I'm gonna go now, and try to wash the space-waste from my now, shit-spattered spacesuit. See you next week.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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