86 The Terrible Terror Toilet 3

 

The Devil Craps Lava

All I've ever seen the Devil wear, is a black diaper, or some mongoloid face. He's really more of a figurehead. There's a lot of other fuckers what run Hell. The Devil Hisself? Not too smart. Trust me on this. He has cool cars and sex-chicks and whatnot, but He's dumb, and sexually weird. It's not really clear if He's into S or M, or F or M for that matter. Basically, He's a bi-sexual, borderline-sociopath, sexual-sadist, with some serious Daddy issues. Here's some movies about this redneck fag. Alls I can say is: Never let the Devil use yer crapper. He will destroy it. Heed my words. With consonants of incontinence, and vowels of bowels - Here He is. Without further a doo…
  

The Devil's Rain (1975)

Borgnine! Borgnine! Borgnine! If he'd had his own variety show called that, I'd have watched it every week. It could have been old Borgnine. It could have been less-old Borgnine. It would have been great TV. His presence is sorely missed on the physical realm of Earth. (R.I.P. 1917-2012) No use crying over spilled Borgnine, though. Especially by the end of this shit-shower. It may be better to just enjoy his existing, hilarious body of work. This rhinestone (or "Superstar") encrusted brown serpent represents some of that body's waste. Rhinestones include: Travolta (in his film debutt), Ida Lupino (Bogie-Noir Leading Lady & TV/Film Director), Shatner (He's a Cowboy), a young Tom ("The Mustache") Skerritt, and Green Acres' own Eddie Albert (The 1st TV Star). This so-called Devil's Rain is just basically ass-acid rain that melts people from their eyes out. I like to think that Borgninian Satan would fuck the empty eye-holes of his half-melted slaves. Good for you, Goat-dude. Get some. The 1960s' favorite molested choir-boy, Anton LeVey also makes a brief cameo. This is by far the funniest and my favorite of the movies on this list and deserves a place in the Toilet Theater Hall Of Intestinal Infamy.

Congratulations, The Devil's Rain. You are now a Legendary Log.
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"Praise...BE!"

        

The Devil Rides Out AKA The Devil's Bride (1968)

What is it we all love so much about seeing aristocratic English people being terrorized by the supernatural? Whatever it is, the only thing we love more than that is religious, aristocratic English people being terrorized by Satan & Pals. In any instance of this, Christopher Lee must be present. Don't ask me why. I don't write these formulas. They exist. I just point them out. In The Devil Rides Out (which begs a porn-parody), the Devil doesn't do much riding at all. I at least expected some bikers to show up with a title like this, but no. This movie proves, as does all film history, that Christopher Lee is way better as a villain. Truth, he is probably one of the greatest all-around actors of all time, but will be remembered most for his talent of imposing a sinister presence. Please enjoy the films of Hammer and American International most responsibly. Brandy. Good Ganja Graham Crackers. Car Service. That's how the devil REALLY rides out. Smooth. Like a secret agent's ghost, or Dracula's lawyer.
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The Club (1994)

We now join The Club, already in progress. From beginning to end, every scene in this movie seems like it starts mid-scene. The beginning could be the middle. The middle could be the beginning. Something's missing... Chromasomes? (In the case of the actors.) Sense of continuity? (In the case of the editors.) How about an ugly, red-headed stepchild version of Benny, from Benny and Joon? Nope. They remembered that. There's another redhead guy who beats his GF (to DEATH). There are also some dumb-ass male and female brunettes, one of whom replaced the late Corey Haim during his "difficult" stage. (He was fired.) In the movie The Club, The Club isn't really a club. It's more of a supernatural soap opera with bad effects, shit-poor attempts at comedy, and plenty of puffy shirts. Essentially it's a really long, crappy music video with no song. The 25-30 year old high school kids in this movie try channeling everything from The Breakfast Club to Scooby Doo trying to entertain us. All failed. The footage obtained was edited together by some mentally ill chimps and released…In Canada. A great country, what makes a mean ham. The Devil takes many forms, eh?
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The Brotherhood Of Satan (1971)

This is a hard one to figure. Not as confusing as it is ridiculous. What does this movie's makers really want to do with it? I guess they never figured it out. It appears to be about some geriatric Satanists that kill cars and steal kids. The way they kill cars with a functional antique Army tank is kinda cool. Pink and red blood-paint stains this bloody diarrhea of a Devil film. It's point is lost in numerous attempts to offend and scare a naive, fearful, early 70s Christian audience. In the end, isn't Satanism just Anti-Christian/Judaism? Isn't an anti-religion just another religion? Is DaDa art? Don't go into school and debt trying to figure it out. Don't even think about it. Make your own art. Waste time with things that don't make sense. Read into what you want. Take every psychedelic you can get your hands on. See? If you have to ask, you'll never know. Duh.
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Satan's Little Helper (2004)

A film like Satan's Little Helper only comes around once a century. It proves, like all great films do, that bullying is way more fun if you have a little toady sidekick. We first came across this in Jean Shepard's A Christmas Story. While Scut Farkus got his ass beat, Satan just kept bullying and bullying. According to certain things I have read by Clive Barker, He got really good at it. Every master eventually seeks out an apprentice. Satan's Little Helper tells the story of one such apprentice. Who better to apprentice Lucifer than a little suburban dork boy? No one ever, at all. This little mouth breather was the best He could find. This movie terrified me beyond belief. I am hole up in the little janitor shed outside Toilet Theater right now writing this. My pants are soiled and soaked with my fear. I just know if the Devil gets me He's gonna beat me up and slit my titties. Guess I'll just wait here till sunup. Uh. My pants. God Damn you, Satan!
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If I ever muster up the balls to venture out of my stinky little theological fear shed, there will be more.
Next time, on Toilet Theater's Terrible Terror Toilet: Strangers and Freaks. B-there. B-ware.

    -2013 Wielgorecki