Scatty Monsters, Pooper Freaks
Keeps shit running. Down my legs. Once I realized that the Devil was just a silly children's story designed for moral training and behavioral control, I decided fearing and hiding from him was equally silly and childlike. I stand before you now with fresh undies/pants, Devil-free, and ready to exploit more exploitation for fun.BONUS: Free Good Movie Inside. In life we take the good with the bad. Everyone has to. This week's cine-sewage is different. Every box contains a free recommendation for an actually good movie. Every fart cloud has some kinda bronze lining.
This week, we look at freaks. Freaks can make life hilarious. As a guy who's lived in several urban hubs, I can say with certainty that I love watching freaks. When observed from a safe (anonymous) distance, they really are one of the best things about living in big cities. Amusing human wildlife. But what makes a freak a freak? I'm no PHD, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say: Freakiness. While weirdness results in creativity (see MST3K), freakiness often results in befuddlement for the observer, and joblessness/homelessness or worse for the freak themselves. It's one thing to "not fit in", it is quite another to ignore shitting yourself, scream at things only you can see in public, or wear garbage as clothing. As crazy as the freaks in real life are, the ones in many monster masterpieces are even crazier. Many BM-ovies seem to have a love affair with freaks. Here's some shit I saw...
Creepers AKA Phenomena (1985)
Super Argento Brother, Dario Argento, an expert at creeping, and grossing chicks out, did this crapsterpiece. He is a master of cult horror. [See Suspiria (1977), Inferno (1980), Demons (1985), Demons 2 (1986)] Argento has been making fine Italian cheeses like these ones since 1970. As usual with Argento's Cheeses, the gross out factor on this one is wonderful. Maggots, bees, a deformed demon toddler, maggots, and more bees. I love it. I would. I would recommend some rad songs to play over certain parts of the movie, but our hero, Super Dario has already done that for us. Maiden? Motorhead? Fuck yes. It's really worth a look if you're in the horror holiday mood. (Free on Amazon Prime) This diamond in the dung stars a bratty teen Jennifer Connelly, Donald Plesence, and an awesome monkey who is rumored to have escaped into the woods during the production (later found) and to have bitten Jennifer Connelly's finger. (See IMDB Trivia or Google it if you don't believe.) What if the chimp was named Charlie? Get it? The old "Charlie Bit Jennifer Connelly's Finger" bit. Total classic. (LINK)
BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In Law (1977) w/ Rudy Ray Moore AKA The Legendary Dolemite. (LINK)
BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In Law (1977) w/ Rudy Ray Moore AKA The Legendary Dolemite. (LINK)
Pumpkinhead (1988)
Todd Gak from Seinfeld, Blossom from The Big Bang & an extremely malnourished Lance Henrikson star in Pumpkinhead. It's the greatest American faerie tale ever told. It's tits. Watch it free on Netflix. Beware of its wonder and whimsy, which will whisk you away to a simpler time when pies would waft cool on windowsills. Existing briefly, only to be snatched up into the jaws of the friendly neighborhood grizzly, or some fat dude. Ahhmericana.
"Keep away from Pumpkinhead
Unless you're tired of living
His enemies are mostly dead
He's mean and unforgiving
Laugh at him and you're undone
But in some dreadful fashion
Vengeance, he considers fun
And plans it with a passion
Time will not erase or blot
A plot that he has brewing
It's when you think that he's forgot
He'll conjure your undoing
Bolted doors and windows barred
Guard dogs prowling in the yard
Won't protect you in your bed
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead."
Unless you're tired of living
His enemies are mostly dead
He's mean and unforgiving
Laugh at him and you're undone
But in some dreadful fashion
Vengeance, he considers fun
And plans it with a passion
Time will not erase or blot
A plot that he has brewing
It's when you think that he's forgot
He'll conjure your undoing
Bolted doors and windows barred
Guard dogs prowling in the yard
Won't protect you in your bed
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead."
-The Lengthy Pumpkinhead Taunt
Do you know what a Dumpkin is? It's when you take a dump inside a hollowed-out pumpkin. Dumpkins have many uses. One version of the Dumpkin, the Dumpkinhead, is when the Dumpkin itself is given as the gift of a helmet to a unsuspecting friend or frenemy. To be humane and safe, it is best to at least cut out a mouth hole in a Dumpkinhead, so the friend can puke through it, if need be. It's probably a good idea to do this one outside, too. I suppose if you really hated someone you could give them a Dumpkinhead: Fully Loaded with no holes cut out. Then you could throw 'em in a mud pit full of rats and maggots. Yup. Dumpkinhead. Way scarier than Pumpkinhead. 'Nuff said. (LINK)
BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: In Theaters Now! Bad Grandpa (2013) Johnny Knoxville is...(LINK)
In this B-flick, the B stands for Bezoar. Plotty blockage. Constipated over and under-acting. Overuse of horror/suspense screenwriting cliches. It's a big 'un. Starring Jessica Biel and Stephen McHattie. The Tall Man is some urban legends you heard before. It will turn your pause button into an implausibility button. Don't bother pressing it, or play at all, to contemplate this diarrhea-slick twisting turning turd-snake of a story. Not worth it. Also, if The Tall Man scares you? You might be a moron. Of course the fact that you're reading this means that's impossible. You're too smart for The Tall Man. Trust me. If you want to really be horrified, watch the documentary, Cropsey (2009) by Barbara Brancaccio, and Joshua Zelman. It tells the semi-true tale of a Staten Island boogeyman. More importantly, it tells the story of Willowbrook State School. To see what a day in the life of Willowbrook State School was like, look here: (LINK) (WARNING: Video cannot be unseen.)
BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: In Theaters Now! Captain Phillips (2013) True heroism ain't pretty.
Shriek Of The Mutilated (1974)
Well this ol' here film is one what's dear in all our hearts here at the Toilet Theater. It stars one of our local celebrities from the Bloggy Creek. You may know him as Sasquatch or Nanuton Nem Ve as our locals call him. This film is often shown in Bloggy Creek for educational purposes. For those brilliant wanderers who've found themselves here for the first time, I bid ya'll welcome. Watching informative, special training films like Shriek Of The Mutilated will help give you an idea of what life out here in the Creek is. One thing's sure. It ain't for everybody. It's fun if you know yer way around. But Bloggy Creek can be treacherous. We are the site of several holes in The Universe. We still have dinosaurs. A band of ninja scientists keep a secret base somewhere underneath us. Aliens from a nearby planet they call Okothor, own all the liquor stores and coffee shops. Many strange and fantastic things have happened out here. Swamp Thing Summers here. He, with his wife and son, own a chain of lemonade stands out here called "Swampwater's." They serve every icy sweet glass with a spoonful of MegaGreens and it's a really healthy refreshing drink. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but Swamp Thing is one hell of a deer hunter, and he whips up a mean moonshine called Green Gasoline. It looks a mite like anti-freeze and'll make ya sing till the pterodactyls start fishin'. What movie was I talkin' about, now? (LINK)
BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: On Netflix Now! Maniac (2012) Elijah Wood plays an unraveling psychotic. Fucking crazy.
The Baby (1973)
Shit. Kinky stuff. Oedipal kinky stuff. Just gross. The Baby tells the story of a paraphilic infantile named Baby. Masterfully played by actor David Mooney, Baby gets into all kinds of trouble in the diaper fetishist house where he lives with his "Mom" and some other chicks. This movie features the best-ever use of Donald Duck in a film. The sounds David Mooney makes as Baby are crazy as shit. A social worker finds Baby and imposes a plot to take the kooky fucker away with her. She has it bad for the adult baby syndrome man. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being able to exercise in any legal fetishes they want in private. I guess this movie is the reason the paraphilic infantilism genre didn't take off. I'm glad for that. Personally, I just can't appreciate the erotic qualities of sitting around in my own boom boom. Maybe I'm the one with the problem? (LINK)
BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: In Theaters Now! Machete Kills (2013) Machete don't stop.
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| Is that how you Cabbage Patch? |
Doppelganger (1993)
It's crazy that Drew Barrymore knees Machete in the nuts in this movie. It's pretty crazy when she showers her boobs up with blood too. She's real stabby in this one. Oh Drew. She's such a sweetie you really have to forgive her stabbiness. It's always great to start a weekend out with nude boobs. This movie really hits on two points. It hits 'em hard. Point One: Lots of women have doppelgängers. Hanna Montana has Molly Cyrus, Annabella Sciorra had Rebecca DeMornay's hand rock her cradle, Bridget Fonda had Jennifer Jason Leigh. It's a pretty common problem for chicks. Point Two: That Jewelry Box Music is always creepy. Hey? Is this one of those Poison Ivy movies? Was Poison Ivy into Aliens, man? Oh, right. She's two chicks. One timid. One psycho. As usual the timid one is way nicer, and the psycho one is way better in bed. That's just the way it is. Some things will never change. Oh, except for everything in this movie. Drew. The Doppelgänger. It all changes. That's all I can say. Light some candles, blast some Enigma, and put on Doppelgänger. You'll see…it…
walk…
BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: On Netflix Now! Bernie (2011) Jack Black rules as Bernie, in, Bernie. A true tale of murder.
I escaped the Devil and ran through a bunch of freaks. I must say I am having a great time. I hope all you are too. I'll be back. Before you know it. With even more maddening movie poo from The Terrible Terror Toilet!
Next time, it ends.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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