13 Toilet Theater Presents...

Fight Club 3: This Is Not A Movie…It's Masturbation...

You did too much, Eddie, too much.

Isn't it great when a movie interrupts itself to address its own piss-poor screenwriting cliches? I know I love it. I also love multiple, drawn-out, cigarette lighting and smoking takes that include methy, yammering soliloquies. It's kinda like hanging out with a tweaker, without all the usual trust issues. 

Even if this extra-long, turdy taquito of footage could tell a story it wouldn't have any idea how to. As many people saw around the turn of the millennium, David Fincher's (more accurately, Chuck Palahniuk's) Fight Club put an interesting psychological spin on zen practice, domestic terrorism and the Jekyll/Hyde phenomena. Fincher created what I thought was a cinematically artful although cynical, psych-thriller with some innovative (in 1999) use of vivid 4th-wall-breaking storytelling. Palahniuk's prose somehow psychically echolocated a male, 20-something, secret, cynical desire for the apocalypse in many of us then. The words are still fantastic, despite much of my cynicism, which has since subsided as has my old drive to manufacture Jackass-type antics. It remains a contribution to culture, unlike it's 2 disappointing, bastard offspring. 

Fight Club 2 was obviously The Mechanic. If you saw Fincher's film and then saw it, you would definitely agree. The only difference is that the Tyler Durden in this movie looked more like Guy Fieri from the Food Network and had no uber-cool, counter-culture lines. I was privileged enough to see Palahniuk read some of his (then-new) "Haunted" at the Union Square Barnes & Noble in NY back in 2005. It was pretty rad. (I also got to see William Gibson do a reading there too- awesome.) To skewer the one armed, rock-climber dude who upstaged him at a previous reading, Chuck literally threw fake severed arms into the audience that day. He said awesome shit, like "America loves a fixer-upper…Just look at Sarah Jessica Parker." He also said the one movie that he wanted to see most at that time was The Mechanic. Mockery is considered the highest form of flattery, so what is ripping-off? The highest form of being a poseur? Next time any actor gets that emaciated for a role it better be for a new version of 1984. Fuck The Mechanic. 

"This Is Not A Movie" promises what it delivers. It's not a movie. It's a big ol' tub of mouth diarrhea, where wrongly digested counter-culture chunks float in a shit, whisky and amphetamine sludge, peppered with flecks of crappy attempts at black comedy. It re-hashes the Fight Club Jekyll/Hyde dynamic without any dynamism whatsoever. It attempted to blow my mind with shocking revelations about the world around me, most of which I'd already realized by 10th grade. Then it threw these revelations at me from across the room for the rest of the movie while Eddie Furlong struggled with coherence as he had a conversation with his two alter egos: A Vegas sleaze bag and a whiny hippie.

Dude was John Motherfuckin' Connor. Future leader of the resistance in the war against the machines, man. What the hell happened?? If nothing else, let this be a call to arms for Eddie. Get a personal trainer, dude. Slow down on the substances, too. Aren't you a Dad now? I know there could still be some talent there. Maybe he already fried it all out. I guess we'll see.

It would definitely be the comeback of the week... if he still has the synapses. Maybe it's too late for him. Some people go too far. Dr. Gonzo says it best…"you did too much, man, too much, too much, too much." C'mon Ed. You can do it, dude! Find those boot straps. America loves a fixer upper, right?

-2012 Wielgorecki        

12 2012: Apocalypse Denied

Dude, where's my Armageddon?

Well, the world didn't end. Th-th-that's not all, folks. Although I am very happy that I am not wandering the post-apocalyptic wastes with my pup in search of clean food, water and gasoline this Christmas morning, I can't deny that the journal I'd be keeping in that scenario would be a way better read.

This year I am spending Christmas with my family in the land of my birth. A tiny lackluster city on Florida's sun coast, or gold coast, I can never remember what they call this. I know this is a place where my friends are few and my enemies are many so I've been staying close to my hotel and only going out to see family or at night to skate the old stomping grounds. I should count myself lucky to even be with my family this year. Many aren't. Yesterday I walked the sands of the beach where my Mother's ashes were spread years ago. It was a grey/yellow sunset and although my loved ones were all around I felt sort of alone.

In the throes of my selfish, sandy, nauseating, nostalgia I found a tiny diamond shard of enlightenment. When something horrible and irreversible happens there is no real way to make it better. There is only progression or regression. You can move forward despite your pain or you can sit in it. Moving the body makes it more vital. Stagnation breaks it down. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that the soul may work in the same way. Either physically or meta-physically, we can be resilient pilots of momentum or miserable bedsore-ridden sloths. It's up to us.

2012 was a pretty bad year for the human race.  Natural disasters seem to be increasing in both frequency and intensity. But, that's not what I'm worried about. People are still coming up with new and more horrible ways to hurt and kill each other. The media milks the shit out of this monster's prostate. Everytime one of these pussy, loser, gunmen comes out of the woodwork, they show the fucker's picture all over the news. This breeds copycats. As long as we give these assholes their pics in the paper and on TV, not only they will continue to show up at our movie theaters and schools. These acts of unspeakable violence will continue and will also probably escalate in severity. The reason these pieces of shit do what they do is because they want attention. If we feed these animals they will come back. Again and again.

Don't feed the fucks.

2013 will see a change in format for the blog. More film and television and fiction reveiws and less of my philosophy and sociological commentary. In addition to the "NerdPostXlusives", I'll be reviewing horrible movies in "ToiletTheater" books and short fiction in "LitSpit" and TV on "Poop-Culture-Phenomena". Enjoy the madness.

Happy Christmas.
Until next time...

-2012 Wielgorecki

11 The Terror Tzars & Those Anchors of Rancor

Most of the subjects of this particular, putrid post should require no introduction. Their visages and voices are probably familiar to almost everyone. From freaks to squares, both fan and fiend clubs alike should know them well. They are the loathsome legends of creepy cinema, the macabre masters of movie madness and the ghastliest gurus of screen queen screams.

Back in the 1980's and early 1990's, when I was still a kid, I loved Halloween even more than I do now. That is quite a lot. Back in those days there was no internet. All the monster movies I loved I had to either hope that the local video store had it in or watch them on TV. It seems ridiculous now that we all had to rely on TV guide or newspaper listings and then be in front of the box on time to see the shows and movies we wanted to.

Those wonderful classic creatures. Mad scientists and other such psychotically obsessed brains of men, manimals and madames. They graced our boxy screens filling our eyes with imaginary evil for an hour or two. This ghoulish glow was skillfully guided to our morbid minds by the guillotine-sharp wit of those gnarly, knowledgeable, macabre MC's. Let's begin then...

Part I: The Terror Tzars

Vincent Leonard Price. His film and theatre career spanned 7 decades. With his wife, Mary he founded the ELAC Vincent Price Art Museum in 1957. He's worked with everyone from Alice Cooper, to Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones. From Roger Corman and Tim Burton, to Hanna Barbera and The Muppets. He has, even almost 20 years after his death, probably the most recognizable voice of any American actor there has ever been. He was also a consumate gourmet. He published several cookbooks and once demonstrated to TV audiences how to cook fish in a dishwasher on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. 

As far as I'm concerned, he was an absolutely, one-of-a-kind, theatrical genius. His range was fantastic. He was extremely exceptional at both dramatic and comedic acting and had a unique way of blending the two, brilliantly. He has been portrayed multi-generationally on SNL by Dan Aykroyd, Michael McKean, and Bill Hader. Whether it was his awesome, masterful depictions of Poe's tormented characters in Corman's classic AIP films, or helping out Scooby and Scrappy on "The 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo", Vincent always appeared to give 100% and he always seemed to be having a great time doing it. 

Anyone could easily write an entire bio-blog on this man's timeless and brilliant contributions to American horror film/culture. However, his own daughter, Victoria, has fortunately saved us all the trouble. In her bio-memoir, Vincent Price: A Daughter's Biography she presents the most involved, personal and definitive volume that could ever possibly be written about the man. Every Halloween, his spirit, carried by his distinct voice is always a welcome ghostly guest in my home, and I'm sure, millions of others.

If you can't name 'em all, You shouldn't even be reading this.

In the spirit of the season, I would be damned if I didn't mention the Universal Monsters, one and all. Not just the legendary monsters themselves but where they come from and the equally legendary actors who portrayed them.

Phantom of the Opera (1925): A silent film based on the 1911 novel by Gaston Leroux who also created France's Sherlock Holmes, Joseph Rouletabille. It stars the legendary Lon Chaney (Sr.) who was also put the Hunch in the Hunchback of Notre Dame 2 years prior and who sired legendary Wolf-Man/Frankenstien/Mummy character actor, Lon Chaney Jr. The film ends for the Phantom, as it does for most human-sized monsters: death by angry mob.

  

Dracula (1931): I believe I covered this one already. (see Fright Flick List Part 1-Vampires) One more note about Lugosi...He was supposedly going to play Frankenstein too, but quit. Despite this, he did go on to play both Igor (in Son of Frankenstein) and the Monster (in Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman).   

Frankenstein (1931): Boris Karloff starred in numerous sci-fi and horror films during his 50 years as a film actor. None were so memorable or revered as his role as the Monster in Frankenstein. Thanks to make-up effects innovations by OG monster-maker, Jack Pierce (who also did Frank's Bride, Dracula, the Mummy, the Invisible Man and the Wolf Man among dozens of others) and Karloff's performance, an icon was born in this film. I also really liked Karloff as Cary Grant's sadistic older brother in Arsenic & Old Lace and love his narration of the Grinch every Christmas. Something not a lot of Americans know is how massively popular and influential Frankenstein was in Japan. It was Ishiro Honda's inspiration for Godzilla, among other things. The Monster also inspired Jack Kirby and Stan Lee to create the Incredible Hulk.   

The Mummy (1932): Although it never clearly admits to it, the plot of this film is taken from a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle short story called "The Ring of Thoth."  It's actual script was written by John L. Balderston who had allegedly covered Tut's Tomb opening for NY World 10 years earlier and had helped adapt both Mary Shelley and Bram Stoker's books into screenplays. Again, Karloff steals the show with his kick-ass character acting. I don't count any of the Brendan Fraser versions of the Mummy movies because they all suck sandy shit.

The Invisible Man (1933): I love this movie. I love H.G. Wells' story better. The book is almost always better than the movie is though. Especially when that book is written by H.G. Wells. Anyway, Karloff was originally supposed to play Griffin. If he had this would have been a very different film to be sure. One interesting thing about, Claude Rains... He was apparently claustrophobic. Therefore a double was often used instead of Rains in the bandaged mask. This can be seen because the double was shorter and had an a huge nose which was very pronounced even with the bandages over it. 

Bride of Frankenstein (1935): Elsa Lanchester played the titular monster as well as Mary Shelley in this movie based somewhat on a sub-plot of the original tale. I say somewhat because it takes so many liberties with Shelley's writing. It's always worth a watch. Even if it's just to see Karloff as the Monster again and his old lady's crazy-ass hair. Classic.

Wolf Man (1941): Yup. Covered it. (see Fright Flick List Part 2-Werewolves)

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954): The Gillman, as he came to be known, was originally played by Ricou Browning underwater and by Ben Chapman on land. It's design was created by either Millicent Patrick or Bud Westmore, depending who you talk to. (I say Millie.) Its head was modelled after some 17th century woodcuts of a beast called the "Sea Monk"while its body was intended to resemble Oscar. Despite its revolutionary-for its-time underwater cinematography, it won none.

Obviously this is just the iconic tip of the iceburg as far as Universal Monster films go. Watch them and scope out the extra features on the dvds for more info if you need it. Also TCM is a great way to watch them because they have so much film expertise at their disposal. The hour grows late, and we must move on...

Part II: Those Anchors of Rancor

The Crypt Keeper (aka John Kassir)

We'll start with the host who had the most. Stars, that is. Tales from the Crypt was not at all like the other shows listed below because each week it offered its own self produced teleplays. In the tradition of Twilight Zone, it also had an eclectic blender-full of famous people who starred in its vile vignettes. It's alumni include 2 James Bonds (Dalton and Craig), Supermen Cristopher Reeve and Richard Donner (as a director) and even Lois Lane too (Margot Kidder). It had great theatrical actors like Malcom McDowell, John Lithgow and Bob Hoskins, TV legends like Adam West and Sam Waterson and everyone from Don Rickles, Dan Aykroyd and Steve Buscemi to Meat Loaf, Iggy Pop and Slash. It had weird guest directors too, like Tom Hanks, Michael J. Fox, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. A truly fantastic show which never took itself too seriously, Tales from the Crypt was originally a comic book although almost none of the show's stories came from its pages. The show was on HBO for 7 seasons and spinned-off 2 more shows, and 3 feature films. 

the 2 variant theme songs explain the plot perfectly. Watch: Joel's / Mike's

If you're like me, and I know I am, you love bad B-movies almost as much as the artistry of great films. MST3K or Mystery Science Theater 3000 took that love to a whole new level. It used some of the local (Minneapolis/St.Paul in this case) cult horror host formula but then boosted it into a whole new orbit, having the hosts actually watch the b-movie with you and make fun of it as it played. It had a basic plot and a myriad of characters rather than just one host coming in with jokes and trivia at the commercials. The show's creator and first host, Joel Hodgeson (in the red jumpsuit) created the show and built all the original sets (The Satellite of Love, Gizmonics Institute) and robots (Gypsy, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot). He left the show in the middle of season 5 and head writer Mike Nelson took over from then until it's end in season 10. Thanks to an extremely loyal fan base (including myself), and the show's own encouraged circulation of tapes by them, MST3K survives today on the internet. A hilarious and amazing addition to media culture and one of the most fun TV shows to ever surf the airwaves. By far, my favorite on this list. 

Joe Bob Briggs (aka John Irving Bloom) hosted TNT's best-ever program Monstervision from 1995 until its unfortunate demise in 2000. He was a great comedian and would intro each movie with his signature "Drive-In Totals" which included the following film's boob and body count. All this despite TNT always censoring this content. Joe Bob became a somewhat outspoken but humorous opponent of this censorship and incorporated it into the program. 

      

The Original Svengoolie (aka Jerry G. Bishop shown above) was the horror host toasted most in the Chicagoland area. He was one of the innovators of this type of program, at least he was one that got a strong fan following. His Svengoolie aired from 1970-73. The "Son of Svengoolie" ( aka Rich Koz, a writer on the original show) resurrected it and remains Svengoolie to this day. Svengoolie can still be seen on the ME (Memorable Entertainment) channel on Saturday nights at 10pm.

Last but most certainly not least is the host of WTOG's Creature Feature (1971-1995), the late great Dr. Paul Bearer (Dick Bennick 1928-1995). This was the horror host I grew up with. He would come on every Saturday and greet you with "Good Afternoon...whatever you are." Each week there was "...another horrible movie for you kids..." which whenever I was home I was sure to watch. In fact it was probably this show that initially sparked my own interest in b-grade horror. Thanks Doc. In honor of this great man, I'll sign off this edition just as he would have...

"I'll be lurking for you."

Happy Halloween Everybody!!!

 -2012 Wielgorecki

10 Wolfman's Got Nards!

Owoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (I think that's how you write a howl...) Lycanthropy. The ability to revert to the animal form. What a rush. Just think how awesome it would be if you could have the speed, strength, senses and instincts of a wolf. Like vampires, werewolves and all other types of anthropomorphic shape-shifters have been a part of human mythology for aeons. The fantasy has always been here. There has always been a human fascination with wolves. Why do you think we domesticated them in the first place? They are quite literally the "best friends" we have in the animal kingdom. Only the worst assholes in the world can bring themselves to hate or hurt dogs.

In most western fiction, the Werewolf is a tragic character. Their burden, is often referred to as a "curse", cured only by death. Usually, the Euro-American werewolf is simply a "monster". Just like Stevenson's Hyde, Glenn Danzig, or any other violent, hairy drunk, they are seen as "savage" "bloodthirsty" and feared by the archaic western mind.

The mythology of the wolf-man is much different in ancient east-asian and shamanistic civilizations. The wolf is usually a portrayed as a respected ally or even as a deity in these cultures. For instance, to the Ashinas, an ancient Turkic tribe, the wolf was a symbol of honor, paternity and maternity. In fact, in most Altaic cultures wolves were seen almost as Adam and Eve are in the Biblical west. They also had legends depicting wolves as heroes. Just about every shamanistic society in the world who lived in regions where they shared habitat with wolves also respected them. For example here is an old legend of the North American Blackfoot tribe about their Wolf-Man.

Fright Flick List Part 2: Werewolves

There are too many Werewolf movies to count. Way too many to waste your brain watching them all. I am not a fat fan-boy, or a teenage girl so I did not include any of the new ones in the Underworld or Twilight series. This is because I know they are shitty movies targeted at puerile, shallow, morons. These movies don't want you to think with your brain at all. Those who are easily confused by their own hormonal influences, those sedated by heavy narcotics, or just by plain stupidity, love them. I am not at all shocked by the almost religious level of popularity these pseudo-cynical, apathetic diversions have achieved with their overzealous, teen audiences. I do find it disturbing that many full-grown adults also engage in the same vapid fanaticism. It is sad, and kinda gross. Listed below are what I consider some of the best, most essential wolf-people movies with, as always, a little extra cheese...

Wolf (1994)

This is my all-time, personal favorite Werewolf flick. Starring my all-time, personal favorite actor. Jack Nicholson. It is basically, a supernatural, erotic thriller. Not the most celebrated of film genres. It won a bunch of Saturn awards too. Not the most prestigious of trophies. Fuck prestige, I love it. I love sexy, ageless Michelle Pfeiffer. I love the way it presents the progression of the cycle of the werewolf, especially the evolution of the Wolf-man's physical prowess, and super-sensory abilities. I love fresh venison. Most of all, I love how James Spader gets his shoes pissed on by Jack. I really could watch this movie more than once a year. It's definitely not a "monster movie" at all. In fact, it actually allows the wolf-man to be a sort of hero character without losing his western mythological origins of tragedy and torment. Great horror. Great thriller. Great date movie. Especially if you're a hairy bastard like I am. 

An American Werewolf In London (1981) 

John Landis. If comedy-horror was an Olympic event, he would take the gold. (I guess Abbott and Costello could fight it out for silver and bronze.) This is almost a hybrid zombie/werewolf monster movie. With the deceased, progressively decaying buddy of the main character constantly appearing to encourage him to commit suicide. Besides the fantastic, hilarious and classic transformation scenes it also features a bunch of rad nightmare sequences. Love it.

He's not like other guys...

Thriller (1983)

I cannot mention John Landis and werewolves without paying some hommage to Thriller. Title song from the best pop album ever created and an essential jam for any good Halloween Party. Not only is this still my favorite music video it is still essentially, the whole world's. It has everything. An awesome wildcat-style Werewolf, zombies, killer music/dancing, and  the late, great, macabre MC, Vincent Price. Next year, this immortal, horror mini-musical will celebrate it's 30th birthday. 

-I wish that Mike was still alive. 

My body starts to shiver... 

to think what bullshit R&B will come up with

to try and honor Thriller...HAHAHAHAHA!

The Howling (1981)

The 1st film to ever feature werewolf on werewolf sex. Including a werewolf orgy cult. Howling is based on a series of books by horror author Gary Brandner. It stars Dee Wallace of Hills Have Eyes, ET and Cujo fame and was directed by Joe Dante who also did Rock N Roll High School (which he also wrote), and Gremlins. Whether it was trying to or not, it's pretty much a comedy-horror film. It has spawned 7 sequels so far which are all glorious cheeses. The most notable and hilarious of these are Howling 2: Your Sister's a Werewolf aka Stirba-Werewolf Bitch, and Howling 3: The Marsupials, both of which were directed by French-Aussie, Philippe Mora. The first one is the best, and for me, an annual tradition.

"Dude, you could use a haircut, y'know?"
-Gregory Hines to Finney's character in the film.

Wolfen (1981)
Based on the 1978 novel of the same name by Whitley Strieber. This is one of the coolest and most intelligent Werewolf films out there. It is a horror crime thriller that innovated by using a solarization effect shot in first-person perspective (ala Predator) to simulate the actual night-vision real wolves actually have. The bulk of the movie depicts an investigation into some serial killings in New York where the victims appear to have been mutilated and cannibalized by an unknown animal. There is some excellent footage of the old skyline, the South South Bronx, and the Battery. The acting and suspense are also pretty top notch. Especially for an early 80's horror film. It was directed by Michael Wadleigh, and stars Albert Finney (aka Daddy Warbucks), Edward James Olmos, Gregory Hines, and Dianne Venora (Pachino's cheatin' wife from Heat). It is cool because it doesn't go the route of most traditional tormented Werewolf films. It explores the scientific truths about real wolves and the more shamanistic aspects of Lycanthropy. Unfortunately, it also shows Edward James Olmos's butt.

Almost as bad as watching it.

Silver Bullet (1985)
Based on Steven King's relatively short book, Cycle of the Werewolf, Silver Bullet is a great example of how Hollywood mangles the living fuck out of stellar fiction on a regular basis. It stars the late Corey Haim as a wheelchair kid who has a hot-rod wheelchair. He discovers that the one-eyed local priest (Twin Peaks' Everett McGill) is a werewolf and attempts to stalk him via some nasty letters. Gary Busey shines as the drunk, mechanically-inclined, mentally-challenged uncle and in the end we learn that when you're short on silver bullets, a bottle rocket may suffice. Nevertheless, it works well as a piece of horror-schlock comedy. Do yourself a favor if you have never seen this and read the novella before you submit to having your eyes and intelligence raped by this little shit-gem.

 

Teen Wolf (1985)
In my opinion, this movie apexed a theme started with I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957) and Full Moon High (1981). Teen Wolf is less about Werewolves than it is about testosterone and puberty. It is in no way a horror film. The offspring it spawned includes: a short lived Saturday morning cartoon show in 1986, a sequel that same year (Teen Wolf Too) which starred Arrested Development's Jason Bateman, and a live-action show MTV put out to further capitalize on the recent vampire/werewolf teeny-trend in 2011. The original Teen Wolf had heart in the sense that it was a "loser who becomes cool, and realizes that being cool isn't so cool after all" story. A plot that it shared with a few other 80's teen flicks, but, presented in a much more weirdly funny context.

The Wolf Brothers: Lonnie the Legend & Benicio del Lobo

 "Even a man who is pure of heart

And says his prayers by night

May become a wolf when the wolf's bane blooms

And the autumn moon is bright."

There is no way to talk about Werewolves in film without mentioning the most iconic one ever made about them and its recent, gruesomely awesome remake. The two Wolf Man films are both obvious examples of tragic-hero Werewolf characters. Both of them are monumentally important movies, not only to their genre, but, are also classical, preeminent examples of cinematic storytelling and special effects from their respective eras. This contrast/comparison is highly opinionated and brief. It involves mostly, the performances of the two lead actors, and does not even begin to detail the many, wonderful subtleties both films showcase. Those details I leave, instead, for the enjoyment of intelligent viewers.      

Lon Chaney Jr. - Although 1941's The Wolf Man was not the first Werewolf film [Werewolf of London (1935) was.] it may as well have been. Chaney underwent grueling discomfort for this film. Getting yak hair glued to his face and hands, constant re-application of make-up and sitting still for 10+ hours to film the legendary transformation sequence. This process was streamlined in Chaney's later appearances as the character by legendary effects man Bud Westmore. Without reasonable argument, he was the best actor to ever don the fur and fangs and remains to this day the most recognizable werewolf in history, entertainment or otherwise.

Benicio del Toro -  It is, to say the least, rare when the remake of a film shows its classic counterpart the respectful treatment it deserves. Wolfman (2010) is one of these cinematic, diamond hen's teeth. This is largely due to del Toro's immense respect for the original film as well as its legendary performer. To ensure the modern revision maintained the integrity of the original, he even co-produced it. It was brilliantly cast, with both Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving lending their talents to the new interpretation as well as the sensual, compassionate contrast to del Toro's beast provided by Emily Blunt. There is also a brief cameo by Max Von Sydow in the director's cut. Despite poor critical reviews and box office performance, it still won Rick Baker an Oscar for best make-up. There are many, in my opinion, welcome twists and changes from the original movie. Including new psychological twists, changing the time period from the 1940s to turn of the (19th) century England, superior photography, faster pace, exceptional scenery, and far more brutal action scenes. As long as the same care and reverence are shown, I will be looking forward to future remakes of the classic Universal Monsters films.

"Listen to them, Children of the Night. What music they make..."
Until next time, my fiends...

-2012 Wielgorecki

     

9 Welcome to My Nightmares...

I think you're gonna like 'em. It is, after all, the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween. Everyone's a kid on Halloween. This immature writer's personal favorite holiday. The only time of year where our darkest fears are harvested and celebrated with wild and crazy fun. Our fantasies rule and reality bows out gracefully, like a mother lovingly watching her children play imaginary games without engaging too much. Create only the most gruesome of practical jokes. Scare the shit out of your friends and co-workers. Let the fake blood flow. Let the wolves howl, and the women in sexy costumes dance the night away…and candy…mmmmm, sweet, delicious candy.

This month I will be writing about some of my favorite horror movies. From the crown jewels of creepy to the sleaziest and cheesiest of Carpenter and Corman's creaky back closets. I'll also be unearthing some of the diabolically delightful TV horror hosts who introduced me (and everyone who grew up without the internet) to some of these films. Then, gather round the fire with your popcorn, hot rummy cider and hold your sweeties close because I may also wax dat ass nostalgic with some of my own tales told out of school about the maniacs, monsters, mayhem, and magic of my own malevolent, mangled memorrhea…

Fright Flick List Part 1: Vampires 

 There are certain movies that I've made it a tradition to always watch every year around Halloween. Of course I am not going to write about them all at once. This week I'll focus on strictly those Vampire movies which I feel are essential to the spirit of the season.

"SLEEEEEEEEP."

Dracula (1931): Many nazi vampire fanboys who also watch Buffy and those Twat-light movies would probably be very mad at me for not putting Nosferatu (1922) 1st on this list. Sorry, big children, this is my blog and I say Bela Lugosi is fucking Dracula. Nosferatu (Max Shreck/Count Orlok - so named because the studio making it could not obtain the rights to Stoker's book) is worth a look and definitely essential to watch if you want to be one of the world's dime-a-dozen, horror film-makers. (There is a 2000 film about its production called "Shadow of the Vampire" which is also pretty rad.) Dracula is, although quite cheesy by today's standards, the most important vampire film of all time because almost every frame of it is iconic. Compared to it, almost every other vampire movie made since is total garbage. For the artistic freedoms which were allowed at it's time, it was extremely true to the novel. Which itself seems almost as though it was written for film with it's fantasy-documentarian format. For some reason Coppola could not leave well enough alone and decided to redo it in 1992. We all saw how that turned out. So bad it was good. The out-takes on the Coppola DVD where he is arguing with Gary Oldman in full make up are really hilarious and worth the 5-7 bucks you'd pay for the dvd today. But, in my opinion, no one has ever surpassed the presence that Lugosi achieved in this film and no one ever will.

The Last Man on Earth (1964): The first film based on Richard Matheson's super dark 1954 horror novel, "I am Legend". This book was also made into "The Omega Man" with Charlton Heston in 1971, it was then over-glorified, cash-injected and scrubbed clean by Village Roadshow for the Will Smith version in 2007, and got it's final dumbing-down as one of those "mockbusters" starring Mark Dacascos the same year. If you have read this story or any of Matheson's other work you know he is a brilliant, and gruesome genius. His writing can conjure real fear, emotion and even physical sickness in some of his readers. He also wrote the books (that became films) "Stir of Echoes", "What Dreams May Come", "Bid Time Return" (aka Somewhere in Time) and some Twilight Zone episodes for Rod Serling. This film also stars the screen legend, and horror king, Vincent Price, but he is the subject for a later sermon...  

Salem's Lot (1979): Technically, this was a TV mini-series. Although it is always packaged in movie form today. Based on a novel by Stephen King. Directed by Texas Chainsaw's Tobe Hooper. Starring James Mason as the bad guy, "Hutch" from Starsky and (David Soul) as the good guy, Bonnie Bedelia (yum) as the damsel, Geoffrey Lewis as the weird-lookin' guy, and with an awesome cameo by none other than comic genius Fred Willard. This one resurrects the old Nosferatu buck-toothed style vampire. I love it and watch it every year without fail. Worth a screening. Hilarious, creepy, fun.

Interview With The Vampire (1994): Quite possibly the gayest Vampire movie ever made. Also quite possibly the best. It's based on homoerotic horror Queen Anne Rice's 1976 novel. Just about everyone in the world has probably seen this movie by now. As popular as it was, and still is, here in the U.S., it is twice as popular in Japan. I don't know what I could possibly say about it that hasn't already been said. I first watched it on VHS, on acid, in a dilapidated mobile home on an 18 inch screen around 1997 or so. I was later lucky enough to catch a special celluloid screening of it one October night at the Brooklyn Lyceum about 9 years later. It's a truly great supernatural adventure flick. One of the best ever created. Every time I watch this film it just feels like Halloween...




Other Vampire movies of note not detailed here: Lost Boys (1987), Fright Night (1985), Once Bitten (1985), Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), Vampire Hunter D (anime 1985), Blood: The Last Vampire (anime 2000), Blade (1998).

Vampira vs Elvira: Battle of the Hot Horror Hostesses

In keeping with this week's blood-sucking theme, I'm spotlighting the two all-time baddest babes of late-night, movie madness. If you're anything like I was as a kid, you loved everything about Halloween. The costumes, candy, pumpkin-carving, parties and pranks were all awesome. One thing I remember, in particular, was staying up late watching those classic horror and sci-fi flicks on TV in anticipation of Halloween night. Before we had the tremendous convenience of the internet, or the extra features on dvds - rags like Cinefantastique and Fangoria, obscure film-fan books, and wonderful TV horror hosts were the only way you'd ever have known anything about the weird, wild cinema you were watching. Thanks, Babes...

Vampira (Malia Nurmi) -  Inspired by Charles Addams, Malia showed up to a 1953 masquerade party as Morticia and was discovered by producer Hunt Stromburg Jr. She soon became the first ever late night, TV, horror hostess (or host for that matter). On "The Vampira Show" she opened each program with her trademark scream, followed by the classic line "Screaming relaxes me so..." delivered with a scary sexy smile. Unfortunately, I am way too young to have ever caught her show live. I first saw her as Bela Lugosi's undead bride in Ed Wood's awesomely awful Plan 9 From Outer Space. A role in which she had no speaking lines. It's sort of crazy that although she dated Orson Welles, she ended up working with a man dubbed the worst director of all time on a film considered the best-worst film there is. She's a great example of a talent way ahead of her time, Vampira was hated, misunderstood and even blacklisted by the idiots who ran Hollywood. She sadly passed away in 2008. It seems to me that she never really got the opportunities she deserved in life as the seductive, elegant icon of sex and death that she truly was. LINK. 

Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) - It goes without saying: without Vampira, there would be no Elvira. In fact, it was Nurmi who got passed over and was originally supposed to host her show. Throughout the 1980's Elvira hosted "Elvira's Movie Macabre", which lasted for 140 episodes over 5 seasons. Elvira was more burlesque oriented. She was less dangerous and edgy than her tiny-waisted BSDM counterpart had been in the sixties. This coupled with her tremendous tats probably explains her longer staying power on TV. Beyond her unforgettable boobage, she was also smart and funny. She would always provide some excellent background information on the cinematic cheese her show featured. She's been in a ton of stuff over the years - from a Fellini film to Cheech and Chong; from a James Bond (Diamonds are Forever) to Pee Wee's Big Adventure. She was even a guest commentator at Wrestlemania 2. I always loved Elvira because she was the only Vampira I knew. She also seems, despite her ditzy character acting, like a fun, intelligent and interesting woman. Also, me like boobs. LINK.


That's it for this week, Boils & Ghouls. Next week: Werewolves.

 

-2012 Wielgorecki

   

8 Hate-Date: Why Dating Still Sucks in 2012

NOTE: These are all my opinions. They are presented dogmatically, and based entirely on my own real experiences. I am a weird, nerdy, older guy who (I've been told) is stuck, very much, in my "dreamer" mentality. This is why I am alone, re-watching "Story of Riki" for the 20th time tonight, while writing a blog no one reads, rather than enjoying the loving embrace and laughter of a wonderful, pragmatic woman. Please don't mistake any of this as an attempt of any kind to give advice. Such an endeavor would be pretty fucking comical.

"Twix: 2 for me, none for you."

I believe this ad campaign came out around 1997. This is just a nano-indication of the collective mentality of the youth of the latter day 20th century. Sharing is bad. Caring is bad. Total self absorption is mandatory and "cool". By 2000 we (America, mostly) had more than just adopted this thinking. It had become instinct for many. Including especially the weak-willed, closed, and simple-minded. The shallow, and cheap-souled were held aloft, celebrated and idolized. All one had to do to be considered an "artist" was to take without giving and look good while doing it. 

Flash forward: 2012. Not much has changed at all. These facile values are still the cornerstones of the Nintendo and Super Nintendo (or "Internet") generations' general collective consciousnesses. Public image, and lifestyle obsession are still paramount. Affluence and nihilism are still, somehow, ignorantly equated with some imaginary form of talent. However, in the sordid chronicles of human history, this is nothing at all new.

There are exceptions to this, of course. There have been, are, and always will be people who choose to create their own value-systems, lifestyles and philosophies rather than to have them spoon fed. They soar like hawks above those poor cattle who are constantly being herded to the next trendy slaughterhouse of the mind. It would be very easy to name multiple, specific parties of both varieties, but, I feel like this would deviate from the point of this particular, pointless writ.

Dating really does suck. Especially for straight men in 2012, USA. Internet dating. Real-life dating. (the old fashioned kind where you actually, in-person, ask out a girl you like, yourself…remember that?) Most of the time, you are going to go out of your way to meet someone who doesn't like you. It's just like any other job interview, or audition. Thanks to all the misogynistic, date-rapist, lurk-nasty, douches still out there who stalk the bars of America with GHB, fratty grunts, and worn, well-bent ball caps, women today (perhaps necessarily) screen their dates super hard. You may as well bring a criminal background check and resume with you. I wish this was an exaggeration.

Also, lots of 21st century women suffer from a severe goddess complex. Even women who should maybe have a little humility are ballooned out of control with egotism. This complex is fed by the desperate, pussy-men of today who seem to have no limit in the depth of their own self-submission. Opinions? Forget about it. These twits are willing to erase their personal individuality completely, act and dress as they're told, and wait around like saps just for the tiniest chance to earn themselves a possibility of a moment inside these mediocre narcissists' panties. Busy, busy, busy is the way of the walk for these false-praise-swollen princesses. If you're not super busy- you're nothin'. These modern single females have gone from can-do to overdone. 

I, personally, am a male feminist. I believe we are all much, much more than our traditional accepted gender generalities. I believe in TOTAL sexual equality. Sadly, a lot of today's so-called feminists, are just femme-fascists. Their master-race is, instead, a master-gender. They don't see the time-proven value of both sexes, like real feminists do. They come to all their dates armed with misinformed indignation and an unrealistic sense of entitlement. They will make you feel as important as a fucking Chinese door menu. Mr. Right, for them, is really just Mr. Right-now-do-what-I-say.

Any deviation from total submission is a turn off for these (now) common specimens. Men like me, who are more individualistic, and likely to stand up for ourselves are quickly deleted from smart phones, left sitting at lonely abandoned tables or next to warm, empty bar stools wondering what we did wrong. What's wrong is we weren't the submissive little man-bitches they were looking for. Good riddance.   

It's a symptom of today's overstimulated minds that certain women have developed this need for unreasonably constant affirmation and ass-kissing. I get it. That's why I'll never do it. I know there are good women out there who believe in equality like I do. It just doesn't seem worth it to sift through a seemingly endless bouquet of histrionic, manic, narcissistic, neurotic, sexists. Their battle cry is: "It's my world - you just live in it." Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to share her fucking Twix.

While, a date with the femme-fascist or goddess-complex chick is quite an annoying time, what is even more obnoxious is wasting time in pursuit of a serious relationship with a slut. Make no mistake. Men are usually much sluttier than women, and I do not use this term as a slur. I have no problem at all with women who truly enjoy a fuck. I think people who do disapprove of them are either handicapped by overzealous religious/moral rearing, or they simply have limited or no sexual capability themselves. Sluts are people too, they deserve respect, and sometimes sex is just sex, depending on how the 2 people actually feel about each other.  

As I have indicated in the NOTE above, I am in no way an authority on love, dating or relationships at fucking all. All of my romantic relationships have failed as my parents' did before me. The difference was that my parents spent decades of wasted time together, half-loving/half-hating one another. Lots of baby-boomers did that. I know lots of people and friends who's families did the same. I was, myself, engaged twice. Once when I thought I was ready for it. Once when I knew I wasn't. I hold on to no pride nor shame in either failure. I thus avoided the even bigger failures of a shitty marriage, inevitable cuckolding, divorce court, and explaining to beautiful children I would have loved far more than myself why sometimes Mommies and Daddies have to split up. Or even worse, to watch them love and call her next dude, Dad, while I payed all their bills. Another 2 bullets to add to the multitude I've dodged so far in life.     

I suppose I could go on and on about dating and how it has always sucked. How expectations are disappointments clad in the masks of imaginations. But I won't. I am sure this all sounds cynical and whiny to people who are in what they believe to be healthy relationships. Those who would balk, half-sneezing laughter at my extremely, personally-biased sociological commentary. I can't blame them. I haven't given up on humanity. I am very aware that there are lots of great people who have fantastic relationships.

I guess I am sort of glad that people can find real happiness in symbiotic unions. Lucky them. In some ways, I am just as selfish as those I've previously condemned. I may just be a skeptic and a cynic when it comes to love and romance. A part of me craves it. The hard truth I must accept is that I might just not contain the mental/emotional interface necessary for it. I do love my dog, though, and would gladly die in place of him without an instant of hesitation. I look in those eyes and see that same love and loyalty returned. No woman in the world can ever offer me anything close to that.      

Between now and my death, I have no plans to date anyone ever again. Getting laid is just a fun, spontaneous luxury to me now. I have no desire to try and convince anyone to like me. Leave that to the innumerable, dumb and desperate. I don't care if I die old and alone in the majesty of the mountains. Many years from now, my rotting, musty bones mourned over only by the howling of my loyal pack of dogs. All these words, read by an anonymous few, to be forgotten and lost to time. Buried and biodegraded like everyone and everything someday will be.
Shit, Kansas/Bill & Ted put it better-

"All we are…is dust in the wind, dude."

Catch ya later, dudes and dudettes…and for fuck's sake, please be excellent to each other.

-2012 Wielgorecki

7 Omae Wa Mou. Shinderu. - Hokuto Shinken ain't nuthin ta fuck wit!!

This is a NerdPostXclusive...

NOTE: This is only a very minimal summary. No major spoilers here.

All brackets = [rough translation from Japanese.] 

"199X - The earth was engulfed in nuclear flames…"

Hokuto No Ken [Fist of the Big Dipper] - a manga conceived in 1983 by mangaka artist Tetsuo Hara and writer Sho "Buronson" Fumimura (so named for his great respect for, and mustache purposely resembling Charles Bronson) is one of the most complex and imaginative narratives in all of comic book history. 

Known to Americans as "Fist of the North Star". I don't think this completely insane tale has ever gotten the respect that it truly deserves here in the U.S. Although, it is quite popular, mainstream entertainment in Nippon. This story, like Godzilla, is an expression of Japan's Euro-Americatomically broken heart. It speculates as to perhaps the most horrific hypothetical aspect of post-nuclear war: How would the survivors cope with the fallout? More importantly, it is a classic story of love, revenge, hope and survival following several heroes, villains and rogues over many overlapping story arcs. 

The collected mythos includes: the original 245 chapter Manga with 6 spin-off series, a 152 episode animated TV series, a prequel manga series started in 2001("Fist of the Blue Sky" which had it's own TV series as well), 2 animated feature films, a 5 film series ("Legends of the True Savior"), a really, really shitty American live-action film and about 36 different video games. Not to mention countless merchandise and toys/model-otaku. Most intriguingly, though, it also includes it's own extremely vast, violent, crazy-as-fuck, fictional, empty-hand martial arts systems.      

"Horrific art of assassination was passed down for 2000 years. The Divine Fist of the North Star, under the seven stars, repeatedly bring tragedies to those who inherit it..."

The Martial Arts:

Hokuto Shinken - [Divine Fist of the Big Dipper] Kenshiro's style. It's kind of like Kenpo/Jeet Kune Do/Iron Shirt/Dim Mak creatively combined. Coolest moves: (all moves are prefixed by "North Star") -  Hundred Crack Fist, Thousand Chained Kicks, Fist of Compassion, Softness Ripping Slash, Strangling Neck Break, Twin Dragon Wave, Flying Defensive Fist, Chest Killing Fist, Muscle Cutting Kick, Nothingness Finger Bullet, Boulder Splitting Wave, Meteorite Face Breaking Kick. There are a ton of "secret" (made-up) acupressure meridian points and dozens of other moves too. All with equally crazy-ass names.

Nanto Seiken - [Sacred Fist of the South Dipper] Shin/Rei's style. Consisting of Nanto Roku Seiken  [Six Sacred Fists of Nanto] each of which has a different master. Also called Fist of the Southern Cross, it resembles the Northern Styles of Kung Fu especially White Crane, but also aspects of Dim Mak and Wing Chun. Crazy-named moves include: (with "South Star" prefix) Hell Slaughter Fist, Wicked Wolf Attack, Hawk Talon Triangle Kick, Thousand Dragon Head Attack, Flying Swallow Slash, Expansive Flight of Red Sparrow, Flowing Dance of Flying Swallow, Soaring White Loveliness. It's wild, man, wild. 

The Cast:

Ryuken - 63rd Master of Hokuto Shinken. Ryuken adopted the four orphaned Hokuto Brothers: Raoh, Toki, Jagi, and Kenshiro. Only one of the four can be sole successor to the style. The others must have their fists "sealed"(hands crippled) or their minds erased of the teachings. In the "Fist of the Blue Sky" prequel series he is revealed to be Kasumi Ramon, brother of Kasumi Kenshiro AKA Yen Wang: "The King of Hell" 62nd successor to the style, for whom the orphan Kenshiro was named.  

Kenshiro - What would happen if Mad Max, Bruce Lee, Eastwood in the Leone films, and Jesus Christ mutated into one man? Easy, Kenshiro. (AKA Ken, The Man with 7 Scars, The Savior of Century's End, Youngest of the 4 Hokuto Brothers, 64th Successor of Hokuto Shinken) Ken is betrayed by a rival (Shin) who cuts his arm and leg joints, tortures him and leaves him with 7 scars (in the shape of the Big Dipper via 7 holes poked through his torso BY HAND!) to die in the dust of the nuclear wasteland. Ken, of course, survives and comes fists blazing for revenge. In his resurrected state Ken becomes more powerful and merciless. Despite his extreme brutality, he often takes the Christ-style route healing, protecting and saving innocent, peaceful people from the multitude of raiders and marauders who prowl the wastes attempting to rob, rape, torture and enslave them. Sometimes he even shows his enemies similar compassion. Mostly, though, he just beats the shit out of guys, hitting them with lightning speed in multiple hidden acupressure points causing them to explode from the inside. Messy as fuck. Usually, just before the bastards burst open they beg for mercy to which Ken always replies with his catch phrase: "Omae wa mou - Shinderu…" [ You're already dead… ]

Yuria - (Not Urea but pronounced the same.) Kenshiro's old lady. Kidnapped by his rival who has her lavishly imprisoned in the tallest tower of his militarized city: "Southern Cross". Here, he obsessively attempts to win her favor by spoiling her with clothes, jewels and various finery in which she has absolutely no interest. Her love for Ken perseveres and she attempts both suicide and escape...

Shin- (AKA: King) One of the Nanto Seiken "6 Sacred Fists". Shin is the Master of Nanto Koshuken [South Star Lone Eagle Fist] and Ken's friend and rival.  His long time infatuation with Yuria (along with some coaxing from Kenshiro's jealous brother, Jagi) causes him to attack Ken and begins the first story arc.

Rei - Another of the 6 Nanto Masters. Rei is successor to Nanto Suichoken [South Star Waterfowl Fist] Also, bent on revenge, he searches relentlessly through the wasteland for his kidnapped sister Airi. He is even faster than Ken and his technique slices his enemies into sectional ribbons. He and Ken eventually cross paths and become friends. Together they take on and destroy The Fang Clan. 

   

Raoh - He's the Post-apocalyptic version of Alexander The Great. (AKA Ken-Oh [King of Fists], Conqueror of Century's End, Eldest Of the 4 Hokuto Brothers) Raoh is the strongest of the 4 Hokuto brothers. He is consumed with megalomania. He felt slighted when Ryuken named Kenshiro as the true successor of Hokuto Shinken, so he murdered the old master. Raoh traverses all over the wasteland on his mighty steed, Kokuoh seizing land and building his army. All those who stand in the way of his ruthless campaign, are destroyed.

Toki - 2nd eldest of the Hokuto Brotherhood. Master of his own technique: Hokuto Ujo Ken [North Star Humane Fist], which kills its target with compassion and euphoria. Toki uses the secret meridians of Hokuto Shinken as a healing art. He suffers from great hardships following the nuclear conflict including radiation poisoning which turns his hair white. He chooses to wander the wasteland as a nomadic healer and comes across a village where all the inhabitants have fallen ill. He heals them all and the town becomes known as "The Village of Miracles". He is subsequently taken by Raoh's army and imprisoned in the dungeon city of "Cassandra" to await his inevitable irradiated death...

Jagi - (AKA - The Pretender) The worst asshole of the whole series. Jagi is the least skilled of the 4 brothers. He never mastered Hokuto Shinken, and relies instead on deceit to defeat his enemies. He favors a sawed-off shotgun over his fists. Fucking shameful. He fans the flames of Shin's jealousy, inspiring him to attack Ken. This is after he tried to kill Ken himself but failed. Rather than kill his brother, Kenshiro (in true Jesus Christ style) spares him out of pity, although Jagi is irreversibly disfigured by the fight. Thinking Kenshiro was killed by Shin, Jagi poses as him, sporting the tell-tale 7 scars to inspire fear in his subordinates and enemies. He is also the one who kidnapped Rei's sister Airi, and sold her as a slave to the Fang Clan. Ken tells this ugly, miserable bastard how it is, better than anyone: "Jagi, even hell isn't blistering enough for you!!"

Rin - She is saved from the "Zeed" bandit leader who's about to crush her tiny skull by the freshly resurrected Kenshiro. At first she appears mute but this is revealed to be a psychosomatic result of her previously witnessing the brutal slaughter of her family. Ken heals her and she is able to speak again. She has a teeny, tiny dog named Pel, and seems to reflect the fragile innocence that was lost in the war as well as its resistance to the horrors of the wasteland. She follows Kenshiro around during his adventures with her friend...

Bat - Hokuto No Ken's attempt at comic relief. Bat (pronounced Batou) is a smart-ass little thief and mechanic who has a sand buggy that he drives the hero characters around in from quest to quest. He cares deeply for Rin. His mouth is always getting him into trouble with the wasteland goons. But when you have an undead, superhuman martial arts master as your road buddy, you don't have to worry about them so much.

For me, the most enjoyable thing about this franchise is the TV series. All 152 episodes are currently available to watch, for free, on Crackle/Hulu (if you don't mind ads and subtitles). It is so weird and anatomically ridiculous, yet despite its wackiness, it still manages to have an incredible heart. At the time of its conception, nuclear war was still a very real threat worldwide. Unlike the almost dis-informative American nuke-scare films of the 1950s, Fist of the North Star was intended to be a sensitively deliberated, creative, and sincere warning to the world. Its packaging, however, is ultra-violent, surreal and not really designed for digestion by the traditionally western mind.

Since my trip to Japan this past spring I have a greater appreciation for the often hilarious cultural and language barriers that exist between we Americans and our Japanese friends. I have spent a lot of time in my life infiltrating these barriers. It has been said that laughter is the universal language. I believe this is definitely true. Here now, are some of the crazy, super-dramatic, actual real translated names of some of the episodes. If you can't find any humor in these or in the crazy fictional martial art move names either maybe "you're already dead."

In the tradition of Rocky and Bullwinkle all the episodes have two titles...kind of:

ep 6 "Search Order from Satan. - Find the Man with the Seven Scars!"

ep10 "The Raging Flame Reverse Flow Punch! - There are Too Many Who Must Die!"

ep20 "Nightmarish Full-Scale War! - My Fist is 1 Million Volts!"

ep 37 "Instead, I Shall Reject Love! - For I Bear the Cursed Star of Death!!"

ep 48 "An Explosion of Secret Techniques! - BEYOND HATRED IS THE FATE FOR THE BROTHERS OF THE NORTH STAR!"

ep 59 "The Darkness Engulfs The Heavens! - Time Evolves Beyond The Deathmatch!!"

ep 63 "A Young Hero Challenges His Fate! - Scream From Your Soul Shall Move The Heavens!!"

ep 97 "Farewell Yuria! - A Strong Man Will Not Speak of Love, Even in Death!!

Oh, and if you really want to laugh your ass off - watch the 1995, US, live-action attempt at the story.

WARNING! - Do NOT watch unless you have an iron stomach for schlock. Starring Gary Daniels (AKA: DarthMaul/Toad) as Kenshiro, Malcom McDowell as Ryuken, and Chris Penn as Jagi. However, if you're a nerd like me, and prefer a slightly more authentic, animated cheese, watch this: LINK.

Until next time...

-2012 Wielgorecki

This has been a NerdPostXclusive.