X-Mass: We Are All The Same.

It never matters who we are, nor where our bodies are in space. It's all one thing. It moves and perpetuates without our control. There is no puppet master. There are no strings. There is no God. Even self-satisfied science is mostly guesswork. Words like "love", "God", "fact", or "mine" are just useless sound vibrations in the ever-changing omnipotency of what our mouths call "The Universe." I must be completely insane to keep writing after that sentence. Luckily for me, I am. At once, I am also lucky to have the 2 or 3 wonderful readers I do. You few wonderful beings, wherever in space/time you may be, this is for you:

***

The Snowblind Prophecy 

The little mouse runs fast 

Through the slick 

Glowing green slime brick

Of the sewers of the city 

This Christmas night

Sprinting frantically 

To slip and evade 

The yellow teeth 

Of long crusty rats

Who would 

Tear his little body 

Apart without care

Dodging the many

Who would 

Ravage him

With grace and ease

He speeds hard

Bounding as fast 

As his tiny legs allow

Ignoring all

Pain and weather

Shooting through holes 

The size of dimes

His tiny heart pounding 

An engine of fear

A time bomb of disease

A nameless virus

In his veins

Hope the runt dies

Without breeding

He carries the means

To our end

Unknowingly.

The last white tiger

Of Christmas future

Walks slowly through

The Siberian snow

On old cold joints

A thousand hunts behind her

She never was a Mother

Only a hunter

A sentry of kills

She never knew love

She was driven 

Only by

Thirsty hunger

And awesome will

Her legs tire and freeze

She lays down to sleep

For the last time 

Blending into the blinding 

Ice white plain

Forever.

More than a

Million miles away

Light years

From where you are

Something no human

Has ever seen

Sees you.

Unknowingly

Forever 

Sees you

Unknowingly

You see

Forever.

***

Wary X-Mass to all, and to all a great life…

-2013 Wielgorecki

========================================================================

Sidebar/X-Mass BONUS: Merry Up Your Media...

In Theaters - Hobbit 2: Hobbit & Pals Vs Dragon.

On DVD - Ernest Saves Christmas. Especially "The Ol' Snake Farmer Bit."

StreamTV - Any Office Christmas Episode.

StreaMovie - Scrooged Starring Bill Murray on Amazon Prime. 

93 Toilet Theater Presents...

I Saw These Shits Come Failing In

It's the most commercial time of the year. The festooned fluxing LED lights of Christ are upon us, Angels. As the scent of clean, snowy pine, and rich cognac wafts up into my yule-tide nostril snot, I think to myself: "What's better than getting drunk alone at Christmastime?" The answer comes easily: "Getting drunk alone, and watching the worst flicks my holly jolly ass can find." Not to toot my own holiday fart trumpet too hard, but, my little poo-poo movie hunt went well. Here's some logs you won't want to put on the fire…

Starcrash (1979)
"AKA Starbarella's Whore Wars" 

This S&M, disco, toy spaceship, super-sound-effect, sexy, sci-fi spectacular was brought to us by none other than that snobby art house goon, Roger Corman. It stars Hamburger Hasselhoff as Prince Spaceman, Christopher Plummer as his Dad, and Cicci from Godfather (Joe Spinell) as Dark Vaber: Unmasked. There's also the weirdly religious, ramen-noodle-haired, B-flick boogie-man, Marjoe Gortner as our hero, and a scantily cheap-vinyl-clad Caroline Munro of The Spy Who Fucked Me (1977) and Maniac (1980) fame. Every frame of this space-plop is suitable for framing. Naive Art. One could really say that Starcrash is to film what Grandma Moses was to paint, but then whoever said that would just be a shitty idiot. (G-Mo Art ain't nuthin ta fuck wit.) Our hero in Starcrash is called Akton. He's so act-off, he's act-on. He has this stupid electric string toy that he plays with, and the magic space power to defrost people-sicles. According to Starcrash, the stars in space are (possibly literally) Christmas lights. Both the buttsonic sound effects in this movie as well as its dynamic dialogue will bring joy and festive cheer to your home for the holidays. It also has those cool swivel space chairs, and the most direct lightsabre knock-off in film history. Stellar shit.
(LINK)

Deathsport (1978)

"No one can touch my self. I am my only master."
That's an actual quote. Corman's "writers" are my Shakespere. Deathsport opens with David Carradine (Kaz Oshay) on a white horse with a crystal sword. He's being pursued by the Silver Police. The Silver Police capture young Carradine, put him in a diaper and lock him in a futuristic electrified jail cell. They disintegrate his horse. The Silver Police have motorcycles that sound like Robot Roadrunners and wear outfits stolen from the Secret Volcano Base techs in You Only Live Twice (1967). The Silver Police are commanded by the man, the legend, Richard Lynch, who plays a Dystopian Sheriff of Nottingham type character in this one. The lord over the Silver Police (David McLean) has brain decay. He rules the desolate world of Deathsportland with a mentally challenged iron fist. What is Deathsport? Take Gladiator, Death Race 2000, Rollerball, Thunderdome, and add the zest of one Clockwork Orange. Place them in a blender with a shot of William Smithers' diarrhea, dump 'em on boxy 70's stunt bikes, and let them fucking kill each other. There you go. That's Deathsport. At least it has some dicey occasional female nudity. Merry Christmas.
(LINK)

Darklight (2004)

"Lose your Equilibrium, in a Matrix of Bible-style, Sci-Fi Bullshit."

Not to be confused with the 2005 HIM album of the same name. Can somebody please tell me, how do these fuckin' things get made?? Sure, I could go on and on about all the things in Darklight that suck. Its bipolar acting, misuse of its few talented actors and total reliance on effects. How Darklight herself just looks like a brownish, poor man's Mystique (from Xmen). How the villain is just a shitty CG Green Goblin (from Spidey) with wings. How it knocks off the comic/video game, Darkness. How tired and boring the fight choreography is. I've done all that. Thankfully the sequel to this dingy shit bag, Darklight 2: Lightdark, was never made. In the proposed sequel, all the characters just turn into CG demons and fight each other for 90 minutes. It would probably have been an improvement. 

How to make a Darklight

1- Get a tiny squeeze flashlight.

2- Stick it up your ass.

3- Squeeze the little flashlight with your sphincter to switch On/Off.

4- That's it. That's what a Darklight is. Gross, huh? 

(LINK)

Crime Zone (1989)
"This Is A Crime Zone. No Crimes Allowed!!"

Dude looks like a lady? Nope. Lady looks like a dude. And I'm not talking about that Madonnalike, bitch-eyebrow girl from Twin Peaks this time. I'm talking about the big lady Cop from Crime Zone. Illogical Class War? Bad neon? Cheap chain link? Crime Zone has 'em all in spades. Crime Zone's real name is Soleil. In a future where people are so advanced, they can customize their blood color, dudes wearing neon signs sell condoms in the rain, and where hardened street criminals are locked in flimsy, human-sized, wire birdcages in the street, you'd think people would have less stupid names. Instead, they have names like Bone, Creon, and Cuntmuck. OK I admit I made that last one up, but the other 2 are real. Not only did Carradine star in this, he also produced it. It's like a video voyeur on Tek-War, Bonnie and Clyde all fucking until they became one thing.

TOILET TRIVIA: Halfway through the shooting of this gassy buttfuck of a movie, its production was halted. A team of medics was called in. The entire cast had come down with a serious case of hormonal over-acting. Many were euthanized. Besides having superstars like Carradine and Ms. Eyebrows, the guy who gets that crazy knife up his ass in American Me (1992) is in it too. Dig it.

(LINK)

Tuff Turf (1985)

"One Tough Teen Turd Deserves Another."

There are 2 versions of teen life from the 1980s. The one that really existed, and the phony-ass one presented to us in wonderful films like 16 Candles (1984), Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982) or Ferris Beuller's Day Off (1986). Personally, I never experienced the former, but enjoy the fuck out of the latter. All of it. The total lack of realistic human interaction, the naiveté, the e-drums of new wave tension. The 1980's of John Hughes, Cameron Crowe, Danny Elfman and other, less talented, more drug-addled writers, directors and musicians is all people will have to remember of that time 100 years from now. The Days of Whine and Coke-shits. Tuff Turf stars 2 rare examples of extreme acting talent from the youth of this Zeitgeist. James Spader, who saw great success this year in NBC's Blacklist, and Robert Downey Jr. RDJ's genius suffered long against many substances, but has in the last decade, risen like some great flaming iron phoenix of box office cash-generation. Regardless of the presence of both these talented individuals in Tuff Turf, it is still pretty tough to watch for anyone with a brain. The great actors in it can't be blamed for this movie's worthless writing. Tuff Turf's plot and dialogue are almost universally interchangeable with any other mediocre poppy, teeny piece of shit from its era…FLUSH.
(LINK)

Christmas Evil (1980)

"I Saw Mommy's Pussy Kissing Santa Claus."   

If you needed another reason to hate the fat piece of mythological Euro-trash Santa is, here you go. Christmas Evil reinforces the old movie fact: If you see your Mommy fucking, you will become a serial killer. By this same logic, if you see Mommy fucking Santa, you will become a Santa-themed serial killer. You'll make a list. Check it twice. Slice up who's naughty and give the parts to who's nice. Christmas Evil tells the story of one such Serial Claus. His name is Harry. He works on an I Love Lucy-style assembly line building toys. He's one of those assholes who writes it down every time somebody fucks with him. He sits alone in his hovel shaking and humming Santa Claus Is Coming To Town with even more rage and fervor than Bruce Springsteen as he plans his vengeance. Instead of a sleigh, Harry has a festive rape van. Instead of blaming their shitty parents, he seeks to kill naughty kids in his neighborhood. This disgruntled employee Santa Claus is more that just a little askew. He's a reason to poison your milk and cookies. As much as there is wrong with Harry, there is even more wrong with the movie itself. The whole thing looks like it was shot with some guy's Dad's camcorder. Both technically and in it's storytelling, Christmas Evil was not hung by the chimney with care. Really it should've just been tossed in the fireplace.
(LINK)

Toilet Theater's going down for a long winter's nap. I'll be back next year with more video crap. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a clean wipe. The Bloggy Creek Xmas Special comes out Christmas night. See you then.

-2013 Wielgorecki

  

FWD>> What The World Came To

1990. Martin Scorsese's Mafia epic, Goodfellas, arguably the best gangster movie ever made, is released. Robert DeNiro, as Lucchese point-man Jimmy "The Gent" Burke, jocularly mock-mused "What's the world comin' to?!" A cue for Joe Pesci (as Tommy DeSimone) to open fire on future Soprano half-wit, Michael Imperioli's character, the Spider. More than 20 years later, through a time-tunnel of Devolution lined with cultural narcissism, the rape of communication, obsessive consumerism, and communal illusion, Tommy's answer to Jimmy's taunt reflects, in artful criminal violence, our journey to now.

2013. The jackals are here to stay, and they will multiply. To feed a need that grows in ferocity every second, creators of media must frenzy to manufacture audience hyper-pleasure. The problem isn't in fun-fabrication, it is in the need itself. A need that only grows. Not only are there a shitload of salivating jackals outside, but, no matter what you feed them, their hunger persists…and intensifies. Adapt to their presence, or become them. Use your freedom of choice. Freedom of choice.

Every era has a Zeitgeist. Literally, a time-ghost's ether that envelops a place in space-time. I spoke before of the monstrous one which slithers through the murder-waters of 1980-2013, Miami. (See Post 16:LINK) In an attempt to identify our beast of time, I'm putting together a sort of time-capsule, or more a Zeitgeist anal suppository. I'm putting inside it, a triforce of highly-potent media products. The movie, game and album of the year. Time to give the future a taste of where the world was by the end of 2013. Love it or fuck it, we are here.

No Spoilers Follow.

Spring Breakers
Wunderkind, Harmony Korine, wrote the script for the most realistic teen-movie ever made when he was just 19. Kids (1996) was an accidental Zeitgeist. It depicted a culture I was already submerged in myself as a teen degenerate. Line-dropping from this film was commonplace among those of us whose skateboards tripled as rolling trays and weapons of war. For our kind, kidom (pronounced: kid-dumb) was a time of ignorance, violence, sexual discovery, drugs/alcohol and creative vandalism. Kids embodied this time, with humor and respect, despite some of its brutally honest over-the-top dialogue and content.  

Most notably, Kids depicted exploitive sex and drug use in a vividly honest way no other movie had yet. Spring Breakers does this too, but more artistically, and with more focused intent. Anyone offended by this movie, should shit their pants, and cry them a river of waste. It's an exploitation movie…As ART. It's designed to panic the scolding fingers of the fragile and easily-off-put. Shake your heads till they fall the fuck off, ye moral tyrants. I loved Spring Breakers. But it was not a love won easily.

I found myself alongside the tyrannical at first. Annoyed by the repetitive narration. Not scolding, but disliking the characters, and the complete lack of tactical realism in some of their actions. (Personal NOTE: I have actually, in real life, over 10 years ago, known and fucked actual girls who really went to the FL College they shot in this. Believe it or not.) Since I had long ago walked the storm-stained slums of Gummo, I thought I knew what I was in for. Grin and bear it. Where was the shock? How would it turn? When would it come?

The enlightenment hits…in montage form. Why glamorize exploitation and amorality? Because we fucking can. As I stared unblinking, I realized. Duh. You're not supposed to like them. They're living a fantasy. An unrealistic, dumb, pretty, Spring Break girls' phantasm orgasm. A lie of a fable an idiot might tell. This is where we are. A runaway train with a psychotic coked-up conductor who doesn't care about death or arrest. He's run to the front. Killed the engineer. He's driving now. Nihilism. Narcissism. Ignorance. They're speeding up. The track behind them may as well burn.

Spring Breakers proves that not only has our runaway train gained momentum, it is always about to go off the rails. No one on board cares, and everyone not aboard, wants to watch. Whether in admiration or hatred, they'll all watch. All of us want to escape. Pleasure as escape. Peril as escape. Anything to escape. Whether you live to remember, or to forget, you live for escape. We all do. Every generation is hypnotized by the great soul prison around us. Our bodies. Our lives. A world is developing, where nothing tastes better than the next wrong. Nothing is more escapist than death. Nothing is closer to dying than killing. No one is safe. Live with it.

...

GTAV
Living a 100% criminal life without ever fearing death or arrest is something left mostly for storybook characters, psychopaths, and sociopaths. This September, Grand Theft Auto V changed all that, and gaming forever. Again. As was expected, this game was spectacular. I'm saying that cause I beat it. If Rockstar North's track record is any indication, you knew this was going to kick ass. Even better than Red Dead Redemption, or Max Payne 3 (See Post 4) before it, GTAV is the smoothest, cleanest gameplay you will see in a virtual environment of this size. New games will be ripping off aspects of GTAV's gameplay, just like they did with all its previous inceptions. Los Santos has no Saint's Row.

GTAV is much more than just mere entertainment, though. It's like getting tons of games in 1. Driving, shooting, shooting while driving, stunt driving, racing, munitions, stealth/tactical, tennis, flight simulator, BMX/mountain bike, motorcycle, quad/dirt bike simulators, lap dance simulator, and golf. One of the biggest improvements I noticed was that the flying controls are much better than part 4, but all-around the controls are superior. It is repayable forever, as long as you don't mind your eyes crusting over like Homer Simpsons' did that one time. It's so addictive. Sometimes you just drive and drive…Zen.

In GTAV you get to live vicariously through not just one, but 3 different criminals. Two of them are older, and have a past criminal history, while the other is a new, younger member of their crew. There is a spot for a 4th playable character, though I either haven't unlocked them, or this is just a switch to jump into online play. The different characters have special abilities that become enhanced through gameplay. Ala Max Payne 3, Michael has Dead Eye Bullet Time (slowed aim time), Franklin has Dead Eye Drive Time (slowed time while driving), and Trevor has Dead Eye Go Time (gives more damage, receives less damage).

A fundamental feature in this, as in all GTA games, is freedom. You can do whatever you want. My favorite thing is to drive bad on purpose, then when I'm tired of the car, or have rendered it undriveable, I just blow it up in the middle of a crowded street with a remote bomb. Another fun thing is to honk at people on the beach, then, drive slowly behind them as they walk away. Honk again. If they scream and run, give chase, but never hit them. Stay close, and keep spooking the fuck with more honking. I once did this to a guy for like an hour. Try harassing someone with your car like that out on the real Venice Beach. No really. It's fun. Do it.

In addition to its obvious visual triumphs, the music in GTAV is equally phenomenal. The score was a dream-team cinematic soundtrack collaboration project. Tangerine Dream, DJ Shadow, Gangrene, and Woody Jackson make up the mad scientist clan in charge of the tunes you hear at the most intense points of the game. (during missions and when the cops are after you) The dark, synthy heart-pounding soundscapes complement the gameplay perfectly. While ravaging this virtual Los Angeles hyper-reality, you can be really creative. You become the director of any movie you want. Everything looks great, even the ugly shit. The more trouble you get into, the better the music gets.

...

M.I.A: Matangi

Everyone already knows M.I.A. is bad ass. The only assholes who don't like her are racists, and people who hate dancing. Either way, if you rock M.I.A. at your party, you can be sure it'll boot out the riff-raffs. She was way too awesome to be one of People's most beautiful people. Her latest album, Matangi, is another treasure in this artist's already double diamond-chipped discography. Every track is great. Especially Exodus & Sexodus. Don't take my word for it, I'm just one thoughtful man, kissing the ass of a woman who's art I respect immensely. You can listen for yourself. M.I.A.'s YouTube channel has released audio for every track on Matangi for your listening/dancing pleasure. It's great for driving, and other activities too. Give it a listen. If there's any cool in you at all, you will probably get this album. At your holiday party, when everyone is pumping the fuck out of your dance floor, you'll get why.

...

It is a dangerous world we live in. It always has been. It always will be. Somehow through all the chaos and violence, love survives. There is a savage tsunami of emptiness, blacker than a reptile's iris, swimming in the skies. No drone can pick it up. It pounces indiscriminately. Once it takes you, you're empty. Stay full. Avoid the devil butt-hole in the sky and the deep dumb brown-eye of the mind. Hate is waste. I love where the world was, where it is, and where it can go. Even in this arctic wind, these 3 gems cut through the cold. Outside, my boogers crystalize, but inside, it's "Sprang Brayke..."

(LINK)                          (LINK)

-2013 Wielgorecki

91 NerdPostXclusive: NINPOst X

This is a NINPOstXclusive…

This T-Day, this particular geek is very thankful for Ninjas. Like many geeks both before and after me, I have dreamt of being a Ninja since I was a little kid. Like many geeks before and after me, my fascination with Ninjas and their secret arts of war followed me into adulthood. As I sprawl my hearty American ass in my seat, and stuff my body with food today, I think of how Ninjas had to be able to run up to 50k at a sprint, over treacherous terrain, through any temperature, sometimes with a missing limb or other injury, undetected, malnourished, with no help near or approaching. It would be truly awesome to have such strength, skill, and focus. The legends are true. The Ghosts of Iga are alive. Damn, these potatoes are great.      

1 POTATO

Tomb of the 16-Bit Ninjas

A tomb? It is to laugh. All real Shinobi keep their burning heart's edge even in death. In the rare instance that an adept Genin is killed, they will do their best to take some enemies with them. The agent may feign death or injury to draw their enemies closer. They may destroy the legs of those who track them with traps or low-flung flying blades. They may pull a string and release a cloud of poison. They might raze the forest floor beneath their pursuers feet. More than likely, the Genin will not be working alone. It is possible their counterpart may even be disguised as one of the enemy. No Shinobi fears death. All fear and confidence problems are eliminated by training. With experience, skilled Genin make the impossible real. Even a task that seems insurmountable, can be done easily by individuals with the proper education. A Shinobi's only real enemy is the folly of carelessness. The honor-bound Samurai are prisoners of their code. The way of Ninpo grants its agents the freedom to create victory. By any means necessary. Even if one Shinobi dies, many more are always at the ready to replace them. Individual Genin and even their Jonin spymasters may be killed, but the network remains forever.

Here's 4 fun classic ninja video games for 16-Bit home console…

Ninja Spirit NEC; TurboGrafix-16 (US)

What's cooler than a regular Ninja? A ghost Ninja. Known as Saigo No Nindou in Japan, you will beat this game. Probably the 1st time you play it. This doesn't make it less enjoyable. It's one of those games you don't want to over-replay. Like many classic Ninja games, the music is really cool. Plus, on TG-16 there is a turbo feature built into the controller which makes you able to throw a shit-ton of weapons with every button-strike. (or Butt-strike) My favorite are the feudal-style grenades. Turn the turb up and enjoy. Maybe just the one time…

Revenge of Shinobi AKA The Super Shinobi; Sega Genesis (US)/MegaDrive (JP)

"In the year 19XX, the evil 

crime syndicate "Zeed" was reduced 

to rubble by the powers of stealth 

posessed by the Shinobi master, 

Joe Musashi. 

It seemed as if the world had returned to peace...

But 3 years later…"

-Some words at the intro of this game

Let's break this down. "Joe" Musashi, is obviously a distant grandson of the legendary unorthodox samurai and Zen-murder-artist Musashi Miyamoto. His Book Of 5 Rings is still considered one of the great masterworks on strategy almost 400 years after its conception. The "Zeed" was a post-apocalyptic biker gang from Fist Of The North Star. (Hokuto No Ken: See Post 7:LINK) In the beginning of the game it goes on and on about it. Just hit start. Don't waste your mind reading any of it. I'm not sure who wrote that shit, but actually playing the fucking game is rad. Probably the coolest thing about this game are all the killer Ninja powers Joe has. Even when they're used at the wrong time, they still look great. Thank you, Mr. Joe.

Enemies include: Spider Man, Batman, Incredible Hulk/Terminator, and Godzilla. Really.

   

Ninja Gaiden Trilogy; Tecmo/Nintendo SNES (US)

It is impossible to mention Ninjas and video games without mentioning these games. The secret to Ninja Gaiden is momentum. Because I've already reviewed my favorite of this series (see Post 24: LINK), because the classic NES versions of these are 8-bit games so challenging you may destroy a controller playing them, and because frankly, James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd did a way better review of Ninja Gaiden years ago: [(LINK) RUS: (LINK)]
For my review, I'm keeping this short and sweet, like a yam with tiny legs trying to run away from a fat man with a fork...

In this Mario All-Star-style trilogy for the SNES, some of the ridiculous difficulty the 8 bit versions were notorious for, has been toned down. Unlimited continues? Fuck yam! The music redux doesn't sound as gritty or cool as the 8-bit version, but the graphics and smoother gameplay are a welcome change. It's worth picking up the ROM for any fan of this franchise. Play today on your BSNES. (The cartridge can be worth $150-$1000.) 

See yam run? Run yam- RUN!!

Ninja Warriors Again; Taito/Nintendo Super Family Computer (JP)

Fuck 3 Ninjas. The 3 cybernetic ninjas from Super Famicom's Ninja Warriors Again, would chop those 3 little dipshits in half. Right accross the fuckin' Tum-Tum. Even though bisecting children wasn't their forte, the Ninja Warriors Again still make a pretty fun game between the 3 of them. It's your basic beat-'em-up cooperative. Like Double Dragon, Final Fight or P.O.W. You can play as a big dude with nunchakus, a chick with blades, or another ninja robot named Kamaitachi who used to work with Iron Fan Eddie during his "Somwhere in Time" phase. The reason the game was called Ninja Warriors Again, was that it was a remake of Ninja Warriors (pictured below) There was less blood in the Family Computer version, and it wasn't as wide a widescreen. This game, like all 2-player co-op games, is a great way to murder some time with a friend, BUTT, of the 4 Ninja games on this list, NWA is the worst.

Unless you have arcade version...(LINK)

To learn Ninpo properly, one must begin training by the age of 2.

2 POTATO

The Secret Life of the Tokyo Arcade Restroom

by Tokyo Joe Dub

The following is a 100% true Tokyo toilet tale.  

One night while I was enjoying a great round of Mobile Suit: Gundam at the Kabukicho Taito Station, I found my Kirins had caught up to my pee-hole. I ran to the nearest pisser I could. Inside, I saw a very prominent black pair of men's briefs on the floor next to the toilet...

As disturbing as the disgusting, dark undies were, I couldn't help but also notice the strange wrapper above the toilet's upper deck. What the hell is that?

...

OH NO! This bathroom got hit by...it got struck by...a (HARD) SEX BOMBER!! I took a piss in there anyway. Later that night, thinking back about those undies made me barf. It was the best!

To see in the dark, first close your eyes. While they're closed, look up 9 times. Exhale each time as you look up. When you re-open your eyes, your night-vision will be improved. 

3 POTATO

MEGA-BONUS MULTI-STAY-G!

Stage 1

Arcade Archives: Shadow Dancin' 

In Shadow Dancer, not only are you Shinobi (AKA Joe Musashi), you are also a supernatural wolf, and your own best friend. This is the second game in SEGA's Shinobi series. There was the original Shinobi Arcade game (1987), Shadow Dancer (1989), and then Super Shinobi I & II (1989). Fortunately, Andy Gibb was available for the motion-capture work on Shadow Dancer, which was completed months before his tragic death in 1988. The following November, Shadow Dancer featuring the ghostly moves of the real Shadow Dancer was unleashed upon the Arcade world. A Genesis version was also released and became very popular. To many, the home-console version was considered better, but the use of Leif Garrett in the motion capture for it was considered controversial. I say nothing beats the feel of an old Arcade game station, especially one with a Ninja and his wolf, walking in the ghostly steps of Andy Gibb. 

Stage 2

8-Bit Crypt: The Legend Of Kage

Kage no Densetsu was a solid Taito Arcade hit in 1985. It was licensed by Nintendo for the NES in 1986. According to the Legend Of Kage, Kage can jump high as fuck. Also, the trees are his best friends. According to my limited understanding of Japanese, Kage (pronounced Kah-gay) refers to a shadow or shadows in Japanese. It can also refer to something that is hidden or secret. In Spanish, caga means shit. So what's a Kage-caga? A secret shadow shit? Here's some legendary secret shit for you.

Actual Legend of Kage 

Kage is a dude with a knife. When he finds a chick, the seasons change. He spends his days jumping around the trees, cutting dudes, scoping for chicks. Kage hates pants. He never wears 'em. Who needs pants when you're guaranteed all that seasonal satisfaction? Not Kage. He's like "Fuck pants, man."

-The End

Stage 3

PCP: Weird TV Team-Up!

GOJIRASS!

Did you know that Godzilla used to be a frilled lizard, or that Ultraman once beat his ass? It happened. In Season 1 Ep 10 of Ultraman (1967 series) Godzilla AKA Gojira fought him. Godzilla was going through a weird kind of a Ziggy Stardust phase at the time, and wanted everyone to call him Jirass. Here's how the fight went down...

First, Japan's SDF shot Jirass's neck with a fuckin' laser. Take that you prima donna!

Then, Ultraman showed up and ripped that frilly flare from off GoJirass's diva throat...

Once Ultraman tore off Jirass's fancy scarf, he got an idea.

Toro! Toro Nigiri, you Queen Bitch!

SPOILER: Ultraman wins. He always wins.

Stage 4

LitSpit: Hanzo no Mon 

by Koike Kazuo & Kojima Goseki

As important historically as the Han Empire was to China, so was the Tokugawa Shogunate to Japan. The most famous and successful of the Tokugawa was Tokugawa Ieyasu. At his aid, from the shadows, the equally legendary Jonin, Hattori Hanzo was Ieyasu's top-secret personal guard. Hanzo no Mon tells a speculative personal account of the actual historical relationship between this legendary warlord and spymaster. If you aren't already familiar with Koike and Kojima, they are also responsible for the fantastic Samurai Executioner and Lone Wolf and Cub original mangas. Hanzo no Mon was re-published in English as Path of the Assassin by Dark Horse Comics. If you have any interest at all in reading manga, this is one of the greats.

R.I.P. The Great Artist, Kojima Goseki (1928-2000)

Green tea powder packets and ginseng extract are both small, easily portable and turn ordinary water into a lightly-caffineated, antioxidant elixir. Aversely, a tincture made from equally portable kava extract can relax the nerves in times of high stress.

4...

To study Ninpo, one must be ready to walk on the border between life and death with a calm mind and focused physical sensitivity. Whatever problems arise, the Shinobi must adapt in accord. This same attitude is used in all aspects of life. A Ninja applies Ninpo at all times, to all things, not just on missions. Every task is a mission. Every movement is instinct and intent at once. A Shinobi must be creative, sensitive, fit, decisive, intelligent, and have extraordinary dexterity and discipline in training. It is important that if you plan to study the art of invisibility, you learn from a qualified, professional instructor. Those schools recognized under the banner of Bujinkan, are recognized by Master Hatsumi Masaaki's Ninjutsu School in Japan. He is the Grandmaster of Togakure Ryu Ninjutsu. The Bujinkan Schools will offer students the most authentic training. (LINK)

Soke Hatsumi Masaaki

As a kid growing up in the 80s, I was exposed to all that stupid American-Ninja-type hype and bullshit. There was a lot of misinformation out there about what Ninjas were and what their role/function was in ancient Japan. There is a bunch of uneducated publicity on the subject still around today. I suppose hype like that appeases the unintelligent and unimaginative researcher, and keeps the secrets of Ninpo, just that. Those who dismiss an enthusiasm for Ninjutsu as mere geekdom are those who are uneducated on the subject of espionage. With some effort, authentic training and material on this subject can be found. This T-Day, just as every day, I give thanks for the Ninja. They are ingenious, invisible spirits. Top-secret icons. Beyond death, Shinobi exist in all shadows, in the fears of the enemy's mind, and just around every unseen corner, seeing you before you see them. All people live and die. Shinobi live forever.                     

This has been a NINPOstXclusive. 

-2013 Wielgorecki

90 Poop-Culture Phenomena...

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