65 Crazy Eddie Part II

Disclaimer: All these stories are real. It is unfortunate that I am unable to consult with any of the individuals in them to confirm certain details of my memories of these events. I have refrained from writing the full names of those involved, but those who know me personally know who I'm talking about. None of the first names were changed. No one involved was innocent.

Part 2: Puking Little Shits

One time, Ed stayed over at my house. Only one time. Again, we did not sleep. But this time it was not because we were playing video games. This time, we were going to sneak out and wreak havoc on my neighborhood. If this weren't devious enough, we were also planning to meet up with two other kids who were staying close by. My good, long-time buddies, Blake and Ambo. Both Ambo's and my house were equidistant from the hospital, and Ed and I were holding a stash of 4 dozen eggs. A full dozen each.

A fleet of cars in a Doctor's Office Park was to be our target. Ed and I just didn't feel like waiting until our 3AM rendezvous with them to start raising hell. Plus, my parents were out for the night and we had the place to ourselves. At the end of my street, was another doctor's office. It had a working elevator which was never locked for some reason. Ed and I loaded ourselves up on junk food and went down there. We didn't want to waste the eggs just yet, so we went there with some nasty, leftover, store-brand macaroni salad and slammed the whole tub inside the elevator. Then we sat there cracking each other up by opening the door and saying in a very hoity-toity, british-butler voice "Going up, sir?" I'm not sure if it was the pounds of Milky Ways, Doritos and cheeseburgers in our stomachs, all that running around, all that laughing, or who went first, but one of us puked. 

After my 2nd hurl, I felt another on the way. I thought it would be funny to puke in the elevator. I did, and it was. It was so weird. We were both laughing hysterically, puking intermittently, and now we were doing so with purpose. We tried to blast barf on every square inch of that office building. We were like some sort of retarded organic graffiti raiders. So awful. Shooting our bile and snack splatter all over the place. Just as it seemed not another drop of puke could be conjured, one of us would do the old "Going up, sir?" gag and it would all start again. Buckets of it. I don't even know how we had the strength, after all that barfing, but we also destroyed several wooden benches and heaved the heavy, sand and butt-filled ash trays into the parking lot from the second floor.

A wild ass.

When we finally met up with Ambo and Blake, egging shit seemed so lame. It was like we had come into a dead bar after a night at the strip club. Even pissing on cars wasn't that funny. The funniest thing was Ambo, the biggest of the 4 of us, purposely, dramatically, jumping in some bushes that would obviously not cover him at all, right as the hospital security rolled up on us. Since the damage we'd done was out of his sight, he foolishly (or wisely) sent us on our separate ways. 

The next morning, I heard my Dad getting in from his bike ride. "Man, I don't know what happened down there at (the Dr's office Ed and I puked on) last night but it smells terrible." he said to my Mom. I just laughed my ass off into a pillow. When Ed and I went to check it out, it looked like someone had shot a shit cannon all over the place. We rode by fast, but there had to have been like 50 or 60 splats. I still can't believe how much it was, nor a time when I had so much fun vomiting. The psychology behind it is staggering. True subhuman mania.

Because we didn't sleep, we kept my parents up. Naturally, they got pissed and yelled at us. Ed was never allowed to sleep over again. At the time it upset me, but now, I'm glad my parents saw no good could come from another slumber puke-party with 2 little shits like us. Without ever knowing it, they'd stopped the Sun Coast Vomit Vandals, dead in their tracks.

Weirdest thing...they still never locked that elevator. Years later, it was renamed: "The Hotbox."

-2013 Wielgorecki

64 Crazy Eddie Part I

Disclaimer: All these stories are real. It is unfortunate that I am unable to consult with any of the individuals in them to confirm certain details of my memories of these events. I have refrained from writing the full names of those involved, but those who know me personally know who I'm talking about. None of the first names were changed. No one involved was innocent.

Part 1: Super Soaker Dicks

Every man worth his balls' weight in salt otta know how to fuck. At the very least, you otta know how to jack yourself off. If you were an adolescent dude in the early 1990s, you may have learned how from one of your favorite toys... The original jack-off gun, the Super Soaker 50.

-You pump and pump and then pressurized liquid spurts forth from its tip. Sometimes you aim it at a friend. Sometimes an enemy...

I remember when I was like 12. My friends Ed, Ambo and I got dropped off at the mall in the next town. (what was then, our equivalent to Springfield's Shelbyville) I remember Ed's father got in a huge fight with this dude about a parking space just as we were pulling in. So loud. Once we got inside the mall, it took almost no time for us to get kicked out. We farted on some kid at the toy store, causing Ed to almost try and fight the kid's father. It was crazy. Watching a child cuss-out an adult stranger in a toy store over a fart. Then we tried to steal lighters from the tobacco shop, and a Penthouse from the Waldenbooks. Smart. 

In this same flash of assanine genius, we must've thought that by throwing away our swag as we ran out, knocking down chairs in the food court, and hooting obscenities like pubescent howler monkeys, we might recoil the security guards' pursuit. 

It did not. Soon they were on us with both golf carts and cars in the parking lot. Those orange lights. We were already veterans of this bloodless war at 12. We knew what they wanted. To detain us and call real cops who'd come by to scare the shit out of us with tough talk and then call our parents, or worse, let us spend the night in Juvie to teach us a lesson. Wild shit for 3 little assholes from the 'burbs in a town none of us really knew. There was only one plan, now. Escape.

We were spotted several times during our evasion, which ended in success. Unabated by our inept trackers, we terrorized several strip malls in the surrounding area. In grocery stores, compact junk food was stolen. Bread loaves were squeezed beyond all recognition. Carts were misused. Syrups were opened and emptied upon other products, indiscriminately. Multiple chip bags were brutally punched. We escaped every establishment before we could be ejected, but the damage was done.   

Like some proto-Beavis and Butthead mongols burning every bridge as we went, we eventually made our way to the Toys R Us. It was only a few teen yards from where we'd evaded the psudeo-gestapo mere hours ago. Inside, we ran amok. Though we were more stealthy about it this time to preserve the drug of adrenalized mayhem. Once we tired of doing a bunch more stupid shit, we bought Super Soakers. They were brand new then and only cost about 10 bucks. It was amazing the squirt distance you could achieve with some good jerkin'.

"Back in MY DAY, we didn't have no fancy 50-foot, jag-off guns.
If you wanted to squirt somebody with water,
ya jest SPIT it at 'em!!"

We utilized our newfound range to super-soak several Toys R Us patrons and their vehicles in the parking lot. Most of them laughed it off. It was a shitty-hot summer night. Except some poor, old timer. It was just getting dark and the old bastard didn't say a word. He just started running toward us as fast as his old ass could move. As we slowly trotted away from him, we continued to super soak him. None of us, nor the ancient aggressor had ever experienced such range and rage from a squirt gun before.

Our taunts were horrible, the worst and most profane of which came from our buddy Ed. He was the kind of kid that would ride his BMX as fast as he could past some old lady and shout "FUCKIN' WHORE!!" as loud as he could in her ear. In retrospect, he was a fuckin' asshole, although fun to make mischief with. After the old man we'd soaked gave up his useless chase and went in the Toys R Us, we split. I don't remember who's parents picked us up, or where, but we all got home without any of our parents finding out about our suburban terrorism.   

I wonder what might've happened if we'd gotten away with those lighters??

-2013 Wielgorecki

63 Who the Fuck is Crazy Eddie?

The transition from Elementary to Middle School is rough. I'm sure it's just as hard today, as it was back in the ass of the 80's when I was making it. To me, and many millions of others, Middle School was the worst place on the planet. It's a place where no one really knows who they are. Everyone is part kid, part adult, and no one is sure which, or what to do about it. This hormonal confusion makes for some very ignorant, erratic, often violent and disturbing behavior. 

During my 5th-6th grade transition I went to a Summer Camp called "Adventure Camp." It should have been called "Hot-ass Bus Camp" because we spent most of the summer on a hot, poorly- ventilated, piss-yellow, school bus going to our various "Adventures." Since I grew up in Florida, it was always hot and humid as shit, and we always went to the beach or some other lame local place we'd all been to a million times before. (It was only cool at the end of the summer when we got to go to Adventure Island.) It was during that time at Adventure Camp that I met one of the craziest people I ever would, Crazy Eddie.

No one called him "Crazy Eddie" then. It was just Ed. He had a horribly foul mouth, and seemed to like getting in trouble even more than I did at the time. A perfect summer friend. We'd steal and vandalize shit and laugh our asses off about it. Never realizing that we were really just a couple of total assholes. Despite our self-ignorance, we had a grand ol' time at "Adventure" Camp.

Once I got to Middle School I ran into Ed and we had the same homeroom. We were both stoked about it and became better friends after that. Eventually, I stayed overnight at his house. His parents were old. I mean REALLY old. His Dad was retired and only a few years younger than my Grandad. His Mom was in her 50s. They both smoked like chimneys, watched HSN all day and night, had thick Chicago accents, and the house always smelled like a stale ash tray in spite of their OCD cleaning habits.

All that aside, it was the coolest place to sleepover a kid could ask for. Ed had every video game system you could think of (in 1990), a VCR and cable in his bedroom. He made straight A's in school and was paid cash for it, which he used to outfit himself with tons of games. The first time I stayed over there, we didn't sleep. Who could sleep, when there were hours and hours of 16 bit graphics to soak your young, stupid, eyes with?

Ed and his parents fought a lot. They would yell so loud. It was crazy. He'd yell "FUCK YOU!!" right to his Mom and Dad's faces, when he didn't like what they yelled at him. The volume would go up and stay up. These crazy fights would end very easily and casually, too, but not before at least one threat to call the cops was made. I had never seen anything like it.

Admittedly, it was entertaining. But, in hindsight, it was all actually kind of sad. I guess I was just too stupid then to notice that his parents might have had him by accident. They bought him all that shit to keep him in his room, on his side of the house, away from them. It wasn't that they didn't love him. Even though their loud, smokey voices made them sound it, they weren't monsters. They just didn't really care. It wasn't until much later that I was able to see how this actually effected his being. 

What follows are 3 stories from my brief friendship with Ed, the craziest fucking kid I ever met.

-2013 Wielgorecki

U62 Town Talk

"Lesbian Nazi Hookers abducted by UFO's and forced into weight-loss programs. All this week, on Town Talk."
-Al

Bust out yer twinkie wiener sandwiches and tell Big Edna where she can stick it. Oh, wait. You can't. Twinkies don't exist anymore. Sorry, Bob.

This week I'll be regaling you, my wonderful few readers, with some tales of my hometown. The truth is I am a little burned out on horrible movies right now. Watching them is work. It wears on the brain and retroactively makes me get drunk n' stuff. I was going to do some vampire ones, but I got about 10 minutes into some cinematic butt blood called "Love Bites" (with Adam Ant as the Vampire) and I felt a horrible twinge shoot up my spine. I'm just lucky I didn't die right there.

Instead, I turned the HD swirling brown off, and the cold, creeping sensation left me. As they say in Australia and Colorado: No worries. Toilet Theater will return sometime this June, as will NerdPosts and PCP. I just want to leave the TV off for a bit. There's a whole big world out there and I have an appointment at the Garden of the Gods, among other places.

This week and weekend I'll be joining Mr. Peabody in the Way-Back Machine to bring you a crazy-ass, true-life character study in 3 parts. Please don't mistake my historical account for nostalgia. There are people we've all known in life that we've been fascinated by. But this fascination always fades, and in the end you have to move on. I am certain I was this glass-caged freak for many over my years. But this shit isn't about me. It's about you. You are the reader. Without you, I am a ghost.

Beginning this week, please enjoy my, Tales of Ed...

-2013 Wielgorecki

    

61 Hiss-Hiss

There's a manmade lake near my house. Everyday I walk my dog around it a few times. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? During a recent walk, I noticed some Canadian geese that had some new babies. As my pup and I passed them, one of them turned and let out a little ancient bird/dinosaur "hiss-hiss" at us. It was pretty funny. "Hiss-hiss, don't you try and eat my babies you jerks!" It was a nice reminder of the wilds of Denver's suburban borders. If you don't live in or around the Denver area, you might not know that there are Coyotes and Foxes all over the place here. Most of whom, I'm sure would love a little baby goose snack, if they weren't so busy digging around in the yummy human's garbage. The behavior of these geese reminded me of the nature of some human parents. I can only speak for what I see here in America, and am not sure if this applies in other countries. Couples hate singles. Especially couples with kids.

Louis C.K. puts this embittered indifference into perspective. (LINK) I am a huge fan of C.K. but as a self-interested single, I gotta say: Fuck that shit.

No one's life is more important than another's. (see Sophie's Choice) It doesn't matter your race, sex, age, or how many offspring you've spawned. Many parents just don't see the world that way. As it is with everything, this is a matter of perspective. Once you form a human out of your's and another's DNA you are responsible for its care and not turning it into an asshole for 18 years or so. It is expensive as hell, a fuckload of responsibility, work, and ultimately, like all things most people do, it is a selfish endeavor. 

Why do we couple? We want people to like us. We need to be loved. Coupling affirms that we can attract and entangle another in our life without them hating us. It satisfies the ego. Why do we make kids? As Jerry Seinfeld put it- "Perpetuation of the species.." Obviously, but I have yet to meet anyone from my generation who really cares about that at all. It's really just another exercise in arrogance: "Look at this person, I created from half of my awesome DNA. They look just like me, and they're going to grow up to be great, which will reflect on me positively." Further inflating the ego. We are all selfish. Non-parents and parents alike. Everyone just wants to make the best out of their time in life, no matter who they are. This is true regardless of your perspective. Everyone is out for themselves, even when they help others. To hide your self-interest in a child doesn't make you selfless. Look, I put a marble inside a wooden box. Is the marble still here? Hell yes it is.  

Just because some people don't end up a couple or breed does not put them below those who do. That's fucked. There is nothing wrong with being selfish. Our predominantly Judeo-Christian mores (mores = guilt-triggers) in the west, often prevent us from seeing this clearly. I won't bother going into the specifics of Moses's and Jesus's crazy-ass egos. I am also not a fucking solipsist. I'm just saying that coupling and family creation/maintainence are selfish acts, no matter what you sacrifice for them. Easy for a childless bachelor to say, sure, but my individual perspective does not diminish the truth of my statement.   

The burden of pleasure and pain that every parent shares is one of love. When this burden presents itself, many parental egos do some amazing logical gymnastics in regards to their humanitarian attitudes. In other words, you stop giving a fuck about anything but your kid, sacrificing self-awareness for a heightened sense of concern. These egos can even revert to the reptilian brain for this. They can easily become unstable and even dangerous. Love makes us all crazy.

I've seen the looks on the faces of families I walk past. Sometimes I even wave to them and say hello. I mean, they're looking right the fuck at my face. Rarely is my greeting returned. Get over yourselves, Ma & Pa Goose. I promise my dog and I have no intentions of eating your ugly white baby. I was just being friendly. What a buncha dicks. "Hiss-hiss!!" Right back atcha. Silly fucking geese.

-2013 Wielgorecki

60 Toilet Theater Presents...

Apeshit Through the Ages 

or... 

The Monkeys' Business

Welcome. Sasquatch and friends came by and used my shitter this week. "The shitter's full. Merry Christmas." This TTP has 2 titles. (Think Moose & Squirrel) In it, we'll look at 4 shitflicks. Think the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, except they're apes. Damn dirty apes. Also, it isn't the Apocalypse. Just 4 mean poop monkeys. It may seem weird that I didn't include the inspiration for this blog's title: The Legend of Boggy Creek. Especially since this one is about crappy ape creature-features. The truth is I just felt like that would be masturbatory. Boggy's out. Fuck Boggy. This is Bloggy Robby. Let's get to it

Art imitates Art. Monkey see. Monkey do.

Konga (1961)
w/Bonus Video Combo: Play LINK1. Watch LINK2 without sound while MSM plays. BONUS. (LINK1) (LINK2)

Nope, it's not King Kong. It's just Konga. Meh. Konga does more of a light saunter, than a rampage. When he goes to grab fleeing citizens, he kinda half-asses it. It's like watching a brat that hates baseball swing a bat. UH! Poor Konga. He was just an innocent wild chimp, before he was kidnapped and experimented on by a Frankenstinian kook. The kook's dope made Konga smarter, stronger, and more berzerkerier. You'd go berserky too, if you were a poor, hyper-intelligent, mutant, slave ape to the obnoxious evil scientist, young Dr. Alfred Pennyworth. Living in the shadow of his huge older brother took its toll on Konga, too. Unfortunately, since King Kong is such a big fuckin' star, Konga couldn't get ahold of him for help anyway. They're kind of estranged. Too bad. London could have had a real War of the Gargantuans on their hands. Instead, it was just Konga. What if he had been named Mr. PeePee instead of Konga? Different movie…If you ever feel you're at a point where you need to go dumpster-diving for an ape rampage picture, look here.

R.I.P. Master Actor Michael Gough 1916-2011

The Politics of Superhero Monkey Dancin'

Not many people liked British King Kong. Everyone will scramble to go see the British Batman and now, Superman. Those Media Brits should stick to what their good at. Re-selling Rock N Roll, disguising tyranny, the perpetuation of class-war, and having misinformed opinions about America. Not very nice is it? The funny thing is that I could be talking about the either the US or the UK with that same list. It doesn't matter.

Just make an Alternate Euro Superman, like the Russian one in Superman: Red Son by the brilliant Scotsman, Mark Millar. Do something new, or, at least respect and understand the culture you're appropriating. That said, Punisher War Zone was pretty cool. Britties and Frenchys also respect comics and the comic industry way more than Americkys do. I respect that. The English Language, however, is a goddamn logical clusterfuck. So, shit. No one is blameless in humankind's Devolution into Poop-Culture. We are all guilty. Fuck it. Go see British Superman. Do that Konga.

Shakma (1990)
Welcome to Baboon Tower. I am not going to talk shit about Shakma. Baboons are crazy as fuck. They're like vicious dogs except 10x stronger and faster with an evil little kid's brain. Agile climbers and strong sprinters, you'll never evade one. It's usually not just one either. They take their whole fucking 20+ baboon families with them. If I was ever a rich guy, drug lord, etc., I would have some guard my estate. I'd have some Special Forces ones on deck too, with gas masks and shit in case my enemies got smart and used gas. The SOG ones would be albino and wear leather armor. They'd be fed mostly fish oil, gunpowder and red meat. Mostly.

They'd be trained not to fear gunfire. Who the fuck is going to sneak into a compound guarded by an unknown number of carnivorous baboons? Even if you pop a few of them. The others will get you. Their reflexes are so much faster than ours. If even one gets close, you're done. When they start tearing your body apart, you're alive. They usually start with the face and genitals, too. Guard Baboons sure could have helped out ol' Tony Montana, but he was too much of a narcissistic, sociopathic, numbskull to think of it. The dude sucks.

There I said it. Tony Montana fuckin' sucks. Nice speech impediment, dude. Say goodnight to the fuckin' bad guy. He was a real piece a chit, and if you hero-worship bitches like that, you're a piece a chit too. Good movie though. Almost as good as Shakma.


 

Fat-Skulls gotcha down? Get Sasquatch: The Fat-Skull Squeezer.

Assault of the Sasquatch (2009)
It delivers what it promises. An absolute assault of the legend of the proud and noble recluse, The Sasquatch. Despite the brief boobity in this movie, I gave it only 1 star on Netflix. To give you an idea of my star standard, I rated Ghost Warrior (post 35) 5 stars, even though it is a horrible log. This turd only gets 1. It is an absolutely excruciating shit. Every character sucks sloppy Sasquatch anus. From Redneck, Tabacky-Teeth, Poacher, Shalashaska, to the Cokehead, Cryptozoologist Duo: Loud-Annoying-Fatass and Dippy-Dude. You'll hate 'em all.

At least most of them die. Rachel McAdams and Shakira's hybrid shines as the sensibly-skirted, warrior lady who's unafraid to fight the beast. Both her and the Sasquatch were apparently trained in both armed and unarmed combat. I wonder who trained him? Could it be? Another Sasquatch? Nah, probably whoever gave him that stylin' bone necklace. Watch this one only if you are a true-blue cinemasochist.      

We 3 Apes of Bad-TV Are.

Bigfoot (2012)
This made-for-TV plop stars Danny Bonaduce, Barry (Greg Brady) Williams, Howard (WKRP) Hesseman, Sherilyn Fenn (aka the bitch-eyebrow girl from Twin Peaks), and the original King of Guillotine Comedy, Alice Cooper also makes a cameo. Bonaduce plays a dude named Harley. Harley is a radio DJ. (Quite a stretch for Bonaduce) Greg Brady plays has-been-hippy-rockstar/playboy-activist, Simon Quinn. As Simon, Greg and his chicks chain themselves to the Bonaduce bulldozers. What follows are the best computer-generated ape shits in film history.

Peter Jackson's King Kong was OK, I guess. But it didn't have Bonaduce, the most intense film and theater actor on the planet. Nor did it have Greg Brady's one-man, crapola, granola, music festival, Greg Brady punching Danny Bonaduce in the back of the head, or the worst Alice Cooper concert in Rock history. (After which, he is literally kicked off stage by the Bigfoot.) Besides, King Kong was just a remake. Bigfoot is an original. It may be the most important artistic, socio-politcal commentary on ecological preservation ever produced. It also may be total garbage. In this Bigfoot, they say Bigfoot smells like garbage. I think it's because he ate too many of the filmmakers who made him.

A blog where shitty Ape movies have devolved from the minds of men? Yup. Shot in real time. Flush 'em down. Make way for more brown. Next time, on Toilet Theater.

-2013 Wielgorecki

59 Poop-Culture Phenomena...

I love a good rogues gallery. Spider-man has a great one. So do Batman, Godzilla, and The Turtles. TV has shitloads of 'em. Although, they are mostly on the internet. Here is my contribution to the internet shitload.

The Office: Villains & Rogues

Villains

Jan Levenson- She's a man-eater. Jan Levenson was played by Melora Hardin. Before the Office, she was Monk's dead wife, and stole my boy-heart long ago in 1986's Iron Eagle. As a villain, Jan was probably the most detrimental character to Michael. She had a real power over him. That power was the power of hot sex. Hot sex that got weird. Unlike most bloggarinos out there, I have been a casualty of this type of power in my own life. Really, almost any woman can do it if they want. All it takes is a predatory sex-drive, weirdness, and the compassion of a reptile. 

Charles Miner- Named for the 19th Century PA House rep and coal man. Have you ever had a boss like this? A huge asshole with an even more huge chip on his fucking shoulder. Worst kind of guy to work for. Even worse, Miner was a new boss with something to prove, and, worst of all, he was a kiss-ass to his own superiors. Charles Miner was played by the talented British actor, Idris Elba also of Prometheus and American Gangster fame. Elba also plays Hemidall, The Sentry of Asgard again in the upcoming Thor sequel.

Roy Anderson- Preps and jocks are still the popular kids in small towns across the USA. When they grow up, they become Roy fuckin' Anderson. The funny thing was, if Pam had married him she'd have been Pamela Anderson. Roy was played by actor David Denman.

Todd F. Packer- Everybody knows a Todd Packer, and everybody hates him. Most of all, Packer hates himself. Probably the 2nd most detrimental character to Michael. But, really he was a dick to everyone, and we loved it. Packer was played by the very brilliant and hilarious comedy actor, David Koechner.   

Rogues

Not quite good guys, not quite bad guys. They only have one loyalty. To themselves.

Deangelo Vickers- Though his stint at the Office was short-lived, it was nothing if not memorable. Deangelo is the nice-guy who turns into a different person when he gets in the boss's chair. In this case because it was Will Ferrell, both sides of this character were hilarious.

"I am the fucking Lizard King."

Robert California- There couldn't be a boss more different than Michael Scott in every way. Lots of people hated this character. I thought he was awesome. James Spader plays him like a comic-book bad guy and it works. As far as the other characters, he didn't harm any of them. Even though he really could have fucked some of them up, bad. This cold compassion is all that excludes him from the villain section.

"Shut up about the SUN!"

Gabe Lewis- No matter how cool you think this dude is with you. He's not. He's Jo's bitch. Loyal to her even before himself, he's just a tattletale. He's really yucky to women and kind of a creep, but, he doesn't do anything that malevolent. This is thanks to Jo, who controls the gangly oaf like a marionette. Gabe Lewis was played by UCB alum Zach Woods.

Cathy Simms-All she wanted was to do was fuck a married dude. Lots of women want this. Lots of them act on it, too. Worldwide. She's certainly no villain. Adultery is as common and normal as a PBJ, a potato, or a bowl of rice. Get used to it y'all. It isn't going anywhere. Both sides. Why not Cathy and Robert California? I'm sure they both would've. Cathy Simms was played by Lindsey Broad.

the 7 devils' dumps...

One night, 7 of the lamest demons in all of Heck, took 7 shits in a circle. As they lit each poopy on fire, they chanted 7 names. And, LO! These TV characters were born. 

"dr." phil- (from show of same name)

"FUCK DR. PHIL!!" -George Carlin

brother sam- Dexter

SPOILER: I'm glad he's dead.

kate austen- Lost

this chick is the worst.

joffrey baratheon- Game of Thrones

what the fuck is that? Does it have, y'know…"both?"

dr. jd- Scrubs

Mr. Braff's face usually looks like it's smelling shit. SPOILERAlert:
it's him.

carrie bradshaw- Self-Obsession in the City

oh, sorry, actually this chick is the worst. 

…and the rest.

2 characters from 1 pile
or
2 guys 1 poo.

Damn them all to TV Heck. Hell's too good for 'em. Tomorrow: Toilet Theater Presents...

-2013 Wielgorecki

58 Thanks, Dwight.

"You have the right to remain silent.

 You have the right to beg for mercy.

 You have the right to request judgement by combat.

 Dwight's Rights."

Attention everyone. This is a PCP Exclusive. It's also as close to a clip-show as I ever want to come. As we all know, the Office is ending. It is sad, but, like Seinfeld, necessary. It's just in time, as Arrested Development is about to make its comeback. Like AD, everyone who starred on the Office was fantastic. It was a swirling cauldron of great comedic and dramatic acting, writing and improvisation that lasted almost a decade. While Steve Carell always delivered me the most laughs per episode, my favorite character on the show was Rainn Wilson's Dwight Kurt Shrute of Shrute Farms. With Dwight as his vessel, the pilot Rainn would constantly drop hilarious A-bombs all over Dunder Mifflin's Scranton branch and elsewhere. Here's some.

(Below each quote are its corresponding season-episode.)

The Tiffany's Caper

"My Perfect Crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come. I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. 30 years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris at the Tracadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."
(5-9)

The Penis Museum

"So anyway, she says 'that is the biggest penis I've ever seen' and I said 'I know, that why I brought you to The Penis Museum where tickets are a thousand dollars.'"
(7-5)

Recyclops: An Evolution Revolution. A True Work of Art. (LINK)

On Marriage- "The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic. The weddings are a bleak affair." 

(3-15)

On Teamwork- "We're no more a team than the people who are staying in the same hotel are a team."

(7-14)

"Wanna see a magic trick?"

On Healthcare- "In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion…you're dead." 

(1-3)

On Horses- "A horse is a bike that pedals itself." 

(7-5)

On being called Sasquatch- "Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet. So fine, call me a Sasquatch."

(5-12) 

On Bears/Growing up Shrute- "Rule 17: Do not turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant elk during mating season. There are 40 rules all Shrute boys must learn before the age of 5." (in song) "Learn your rules. You'd better learn your rules. If you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep." 

(5-12) 

On Pop Music- "Who is Justice Beaver?"

(7-18)

On Michael- "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the Bouncy Bounce. Show em who's boss! Rip a hole in the SUUUUN!!"

(3-19)

On Holly- "…She stinks with her ways..and her…head."

(4-14)

On Jim- "Idiot."

(Multiple Episodes)

On Pam- Jim to Pam on phone: "Dwight says Hi." Dwight: "I do NOT. I DO NOT SAY HI, PAM!"

(5-2)

On Andy- "Idiot." (Multiple Episodes)

On Erin- "..Ya little hick."

(8-12)

On Daryl- Daryl: "You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass-hole, and tell her to eat dog food?" Dwight: "We thought that she was you." 

(6-2)

On Phyllis- "Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis, I think you all know what I'm referring to, Michael has authorized me to form an emergency, anti-flashing task force."

(3-21)

On Stanley- (After his heart attack.) "Yeah right, I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise."

(5-14)

On Ryan- "…He hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker, loser wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"

(3-5)

On Kelly- "…The malleable simpleton who can be bought for a few fashion magazines."

(6-22)

On her already-belated Birthday: "What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?"
(5-17)

On Angela- "I just want to be friends. Plus, a little extra. Also, I love you." 

(4-2)

Michael: "Is she crazy in bed?" Dwight: "Yes." 

(5-12)

On Oscar- "There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful."

(2-13)

On Kevin- "Someone attack me. Kevin, GO!" 

(6-10)

"Hurl your feces."

(7-16)

Questions for Toby- "Where is the clitoris?" (2-2)

"Where does gayness come from, and how is it transmitted?"
"Where are gay men's vaginas?"
"When 2 gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?"
(9-8)

On Meredith- To Michael after he ran her over: "Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?"

(4-1)

On Creed- "Thanks, old man."

(5-19)

"Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em."
(8-17)

Thanks, Dwight. Thanks Rainn for Dwight. Thanks to the whole cast + crew of the Office. All seasons. Both UK & US. Thanks Ricky Gervais, and Stephen Merchant for conceiving this hilarious show. Thanks ToHeavenOrHell for their awesome Recyclops trailer. Thanks for reading.

This Weekend: Office Arch-Villains + I clean out the primate cages on Toilet Theater. Be there.

-2013 Wielgorecki

========================================================================

Office Sidebar: OK, Creed...

B-O-B-O-D-D-Y

"Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this, disappeared. His name, Creed Bratton."
(5-5)

"The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man."
(3-20)

"2 eyes, 2 ears, a chin, a mouth, 10 fingers, 2 nipples, a butt, 2 kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you, the Loch Ness Monster. And, the reward for its capture? All of the riches in Scotland. So I have 1 question. Why are you here?"
(7-14)

"What's a text?"
(5-15)

"Cool beans, man. I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there."
(5-8)

"Just pretend we're talking until the cops leave."
(5-8)