By Aaron Wielgorecki
77 Posts! Why does this dude even bother? A mystery known only to those with love for imagination and the most strong and beautiful hearts and minds in the known universe, AKA: the readers of these pages. When only awesome people show up at your party, it's always fun as fuck. This is the most ambitious post I've attempted. Toilet Theater Presents, Poop-Culture Phenomena, and a Jumbo NerdPost all together at the same time. No separation of media blitzes this time. I hope everyone will have fun as fuck, as you read of dumb news, horrible movies, cultural crap, amazing awesomeness, and the ramblings of a mad beast born out of time into the chaos of our modern age. I am honored by all eyes and brains that read my words. Thank you all, ye wonderful eyes and brains. I love you.
Toilet Theater Presents…
Last Crust-mass, I Gave You My Fart
I was against the Zodiac spelling of "mass", at first. Then I thought "Fuck it." That was probably like 3 different dudes who are all dead now- just like Son of Sam. Since Post 13 (12/25/12), Toilet Theater Presents has been a big part of what life here in Bloggy Creek is all about. I watch crap, so you don't have to. Even if you choose to challenge your sanity with the films of TTP, at least I have presented what I hope will be a helpful guide for those with such strength of mental resolve and deft riff-ability. Before I begin this week's shit-gauntlet, let's take a quick look back into the bowl, for old times sake. Think of this as TTP's Table of Colontents.
(arranged by Post #/TTP#/Title/Film(s)
13-TTP1 Fight Club 3: This Is Not A Movie…It's Masturbation. Film Reviewed: This Is Not A Movie(2011)
17-TTP2 A Very Turdy Triple Feature +2. Films Reviewed: Looper(2012), Darkman 2(1995), Project: Human Weapon AKA Mindstorm(2001), Iron Sky(2012), Bucky Larson(2011).
22-TTP3 A Double Deuce Double Feature. Films Reviewed: Crank 2: High Voltage(2009), Steele Justice(1987).
25-TTP4 Friday Night Gangsta Shite. Films Reviewed: Diary Of A Hitman(1991), A Brooklyn State Of Mind(1998).
35-TTP5 4 Wet Fart Warriors. Films Reviewed: Ghost Warrior(1985), Peaceful Warrior(2006), Berzerker: Hell's Warrior(2004), 13th Warrior(1999).
48-TTP6 3-Flush Truckload. Films Reviewed: High Ballin'(1978), Breakdown(1997), Black Dog(1998).
52-TTP7 Thank God It's Friday. Film Reviewed: Thank God It's Friday(1978).
57-TTP8 Martial Farts. Films Reviewed: Arena(1989), The Man From Hong Kong AKA Dragon Files(1975), Double Dragon(1994).
60-TTP9 Apeshit Through The Ages (or) The Monkeys' Business. Films Reviewed: Konga(1961), Shakma(1990), Assault Of The Sasquatch(2009), Bigfoot(2012).
70-TTP10 Clus-turd Works of Shart. Films Reviewed: Galaxis AKA Terminal Force(1995), Leigon of Iron(1990), Dolly Dearest(1991), Badlanders AKA Prison Planet(1992), Miami Connection(1989).
75- TTP11 Loose Stool Cannons. Films Reviewed: Renegades(1989), No More Dirty Deals(1993), Hitman's Run(1999), Doomsdayer(2000), The Escape(1997).
Now back to Cinemierda...
A Grandpa For Christmas (2007)
Little more than a year ago, America lost one of the greatest entertainers the world ever saw. Ernest Borgnine. Though most knew him for his seafaring fare, (McHale's Navy/Posedion Adventure) Borgnine's career spanned over 50 years, and like fellow recently deceased comedic geniuses, George Carlin and Jonathan Winters, he worked up until his death. His work as Mermaid Man on Spongebob Squarepants is some of the most hilarious voice acting in TV history. Despite having Borgnine in it, A Grandpa For Christmas sucks butt holes out loud. This is a really fun movie to riff at. Go ahead, put this piece of shit on. But, be ready. Have a nice stack of diaper jokes ready to blast. Also, what's with that kid's eyes? She looks like her head got squeezed too tight by her Mama's pussy on the way out. Plus, she was kind of a dick to Borgnine. Inexcusable. (
LINK)
Eyeborgs (2009)
Hey, what if there was an entire movie based on those crawly camera things from Minority Report? Eyeborgs answers this question, incorrectly. These Eyeborgs should be called Eyebots. They are not cybernectic, and they don't have eyes. A cyborg is partially organic, right? So how come these "Eyeborgs" don't even have Eyebrows? Outrageous! Eyeborgs stars Adrian "Duncan McCloud" Paul, who has some monster Eyebrows. It also stars Daniel Duh Lewis as a trigger-happy biker. There's a cameo by Danny "Octavio/Machete/Tortuga" Trejo. Trejo is fuckin' bad as fuck. His Eyebrows have nothing on Paul's, but his Mustache is a beast. It's like one big Eyebrow. Anyway, like I said before, this should be called Eyebots or more accurately Camerabots. That's all these "Eyeborgs" are. Just cameras with feet. This is obviously one of those privacy-scare movies, determined to convince you the government is watching you. Let me tell you now: The Government is probably not watching you. Our government is just like any other bloated corporation. No one is watching you unless you are fucking around with really scary and fucked up people. Surveillance is something you earn with bad behavior. The Todd Margaret Path. Thinking the government is watching you all the time is paranoid, self-destructive, and stupid. So is watching garbage like Eyeborgs. (
LINK)
Deathstalker (1983)
Welcome to Midriff-Earth. A land of torture, tits, ass, mud-wrastlin' and leather. No, it's not some fancy S&M shop, it Deathstalker. Part 1 of a 4 part shitfest, this first turd stars some dude named Dick Hill. Even though there are 4 Deathstalker movies, Dick Hill only did 1 and 4. He probably thought he was the next hot big thing on a silver platter after he did this one. But, the truth is that he was really just a log of shit in an old take-out tin. Then, when part 3 came out, he furiously sucked a producer's dick, and got the lead back for part 4. I don't know if this is what actually happened. I'm speculating. Is it really that unbelievable? Nah. The whole cast looks pretty molestery if you ask me. This movie was part of the early 80's Swords and Sorcery trend that included such classics as Legend, Conan the Barbarian, Beastmaster and Krull. Unfortunately, none of the Deathstalker series are even slightly as good as the worst of these movies. The 3rd Deathstalker movie, Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell, was even bad enough to get the old MST3K treatment. Much better than watching it raw. (
LINK) I would be remiss if I didn't also mention actress Lana Clarkson being in this film. She was the pretty blonde who Phil Spector almost got away with shooting to death back in 2003. Phil Spector had crazy-ass hair, and was not in Deathstalker or any other Sword and Sorcery films. What a loser. (
LINK)
Forbidden World AKA Mutant (1982)
What a dingwopper of a movie. I have no idea what a goddamn dingwopper is, but they derogatorily call the monster in this bit o' shit that, so it can't be good. The monster has terrible vision. I was sure the blonde chick from ABBA was in this, until she showed her nips. I can't remember what the spaceshit these sweaty assholes are on is called, but it sure is muggy in there. Remember Ghost Warrior? (Post 35) Well this movie was co-written by the guy who wrote that and the guy who wrote Chopping Mall, and Busty Cops Go Hawaiian. The human gross out factor is high, as elements of 2001, The Thing, Alien, The Blob, The Last Starfighter, Star Wars, Dune and Battlestar Galactica go ass over ears with all the charm and good nature of a nihilistic coke party. It's got some classical music playing at first. Then, some trashy, synthy, new-wavy, space jazz just takes the fuck over. I call it Space Trazz. Chicks in tight and tiny clothes walk slowly down the spaceshit corridors. It's a messy, messy film. Lots of crap laying around. Do not despair. You will see tits. "Arm sleazy, greasy, sugar space boobs! Fire! FIRE!!!" (
LINK)
Sure, you could get your media news from a sane, college-educated, entertainment journalist. But what fun is that? In Poop-Culture Phenomena, I give you the straight poop on pop in TV I see. I don't just poke fun at shit. I jab fun at it with a sharp-ass stick. At the other end of the spectrum, I am a TV Treasure hunter. PCP is also sort of a museum where these gold and gems are displayed. Look and you will see. This PCP contains all good things.
Now...
Hungary: Making Porn & Yo-Yo Champions
To me, the greatest Yo-Yoist of all time was Tom "Yo-Yo Man" Smothers. However, according to the 2013 World Yo-Yo Championships, Janos Karancz of Hungary is the current World Champ. (
LINK) He can really Yo that Yo. The modern Yo-Yo, according to urban legend, was a Filipino weapon of war, or hunting tool. It depends on who you ask. If you are going to make up some kind of rumor/legend, it's pretty smart to use the Philippines as it's origin. It's one of the few wilds left. They still do blood sacrifice there for shit's sake. (View the proof on Vice:
LINK)
News of the Unsurprising: Mice Who Surf Can Also Skate
This kick-ass fella in Australia, Shane Willmott, taught mice how to surf. Unfortunately, mice aren't smart enough to figure out that surfing is always ultimately decided by nature. So when the waves weren't up they started getting into trouble on the beach. They robbed a snack bar and took poops all over its insides. Shane could see his mice needed an outlet for their surf-stoked, elevated energy levels. He built them some awesome rodent-ramps and they did the rest. Gangway! (Video:
LINK) (More:
LINK)
Dicovery's Reality Redneck Free Radicals
Porter Ridge - Jeff, The "Bear Man" (pictured above) is just one of the many wild but real characters who live in Porter Ridge, IN. Just imagine if Honey Boo Boo was a shirtless, midlle-aged man who ran an auto junkyard where they break shit in creative ways. It looks almost staged, but this doesn't detract from it's country sideshow appeal. Despite it's hearty bite off Duck Dynasty, I'd call Porter Ridge a winner chicken dinner. I can't wait to see more shit have other shit dropped on it, shot through it and crashed into more other shit.
Tickle - Obviously the most entertaining redneck from Moonshiners, Tickle is a human pinball and a fucking riot. In this new series Tickle has stumbled upon and stolen a shitload of shine. The trouble being that now he has to move that shit. He'll be hangin' out with his jackass buddies who he's sure to get in more and more trouble with every week. They better not get out o' line or you bet yer ass Grandpa Bill will fuck their shit up bad. It's sure to be a popular show. Everyone who watches it will feel super-smart, yet they will emerge from each episode, dumber.
Amish Mafia - This shit's fake. Nothing radical going on here at all. What do you think Amish Mafia would do if another Mafia challenged them? I think they would sell their fuckin' land and run. Who do you think would win in a real war? The tubby, disorganized, Wal-Mart-gun-toting Amish Mafia, or the innumerable ex-KGB agents, assassins and torturers of the Russian Mafia? I believe that war would last exactly the amount of time it would take the Russians to reach them. They are all fuckin' Amish, that's for sure. Absolutely. But, a Mafia? I'm sorry. We're just not buying this. Still, the people on it are stupid and fun to watch. The season premier has a dwarf smashing milk jugs with a bat until he's bloody. Also, Amish won't have dolls with eyes in their homes. They think the eyes are holes that demons enter through and watch you. Wow. If you're looking for a primitive, ignorant, paranoid bunch of dipshits, Amish Mafia has it all.
Conan: Still The King
There is no way I can ever say enough good about King Conan. Back in 2006 when I was still in NY, I was lucky enough to go see Late Night w/Conan O'Brian live with some friends. The guests were Owen Wilson and the hot chick from the movie Little Man. The band played Fiend Club during one of the commercials. It was some of the best sexless fun I'd ever had that early in the day. Conan on TBS (
LINK) carries on the unbelievable momentum of O'Brian's seemingly infinite comedic perpetuity. Between Conan and Andy's natural on-screen chemistry, and segments like "Alex Trebek Has Gone Insane" or "Clueless Gamer" the show always kills. He will forever be the king of late night. All hail King Conan! Long live the King!!
Then...
Bizarre TV Team-Ups: Part Deux
Singing man of Jessie's Girl, Dick Springfield & Major Dad (Gerald McRaney) with the Incredible Hulk, Season 2 Ep 17. This one also has Mako of Conan the Barbarian narration fame.
Gay Mafia Hitman, Rock "The Cock" Hudson, Nick "TV Spiderman" Hammond, Bernie "Be Excellent To Each Other" Casey, Roddy "Cornelius" McDowall, and the very sexy, funny Bernadette Peters in NBC's strange and wonderful 1980 miniseries- The Martian Chronicles, based on a book by Ray Bradbury.
+The+Martian+Chronicles.jpg) |
More people would read Sci-Fi if Leonard Nimoy was narrating.
(Art by Leo and Diane Dillon for Caedmon Records 1976)
|
Carolyn "Morticia" Jones, Alan Hale Jr. AKA The Skipper, and his Lil' Buddies, Hervé Villechaize, and Ricardo Montalban on Fantasy Island Season 5 Ep 14 Daddy's Little Girl/The Whistle. Who's fantasy was this? 'Cause I'd really like to meet her.
Boy George Alan O'Dowd hanging out with Texas Superstar L.Q. Jones and the A-Team in a redneck town. Season 4 Ep 16 "Cowboy George."
Sid "Captain Spaulding" Haig, Night Court Honeypot Markie Post and Expensive Cyborg Lee Majors on several episodes of The Fall Guy. (Season 1 Ep 5/Season 2 Ep 1/Season 3 Ep 21/Season 4 Ep 23.)
Captain Power: Too Metal For TV
After the Metal Wars, and before there was ever a Matrix, Neo, or crew of the Nebuchadnezzar, there was Captain Power, and the Soldiers of the Future. This was a show based on a series of interactive VHS/figure/vehicle interactive toy configurations similar in technology to the NES light gun games. It only lasted for 22 episodes. It was a really dark, post-apocalyptic, man vs machine show that was really well written for a show released with toys. The "computer animation" in Captain Power was as good as it got in 1987. A new version is supposedly coming out. They realized that the name was too long and are calling it Phoenix Rising. It has yet to release even a preview. It could be a really cool show, too. But, don't hold your breath.
(For the old show check
captainpower.tv.)
This was a real show. (
LINK) Following 1981's TV movie smash The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island, 1982's animated series Gilligan's Planet was a rare Hanna Barberra treasure. No matter how hectic your life is, just take a couple of hours this Summer to watch these insane treats.
(Other LINKS Expired...Fuck you, lawyer cunts.)
Now & Then...
WaffleHammer
There is a new Leggo my Eggo commercial where they use the MC Hammer, 1990 classic, U Can't Touch This. What the fuck took them so long? I suppose they are wafflers by trade, so maybe we should excuse their waffling. Nevertheless, it is a really great song. I remember when it came out, you would go up to someone and do the old "Up high, Down low-Too slow!" routine, but this time it was: "Gimme 5. Up high. Down low-U Can't Touch This." Then you would smooth the side of your hair like you invented that shit. I think Leggo my Eggo was really just like Leggo my Ego, or, as the Stones put it "Get offa My Cloud." Any way you slice it, waffles kick ass.
NerdPostXtreme: Games Mega Gaiden!!
If you really love video games, and if you aren't already one of the millions who've watched it, check out cinemassacre.com's The Angry Video Game Nerd. (
LINK) It's hilarious. The AVGN is a character invented and played by James Rolfe, who plays mind-blowingly shitty video games for our viewing mirth. Talk about a collection, too! AVGN's basement is like a home video game system museum. Almost as entertaining as his bouts with bad NES games, are his battles with both working and non-working accessories and consoles. Mad respect to Rolfe, his main homeboy, Mike Matei, and everyone involved with producing and supporting this original creation. It's another example of how YouTube just beats the shit out of traditional TV. Thanks again, James and Mike. You guys kick ass. And now, on to the games…
NPX: Apocalyptic Arcade Archives
In the American Arcade heyday of my youth, Nuclear War was still a threat. Thompson Twins were huge. It was a dark time in the American Empire. Some games reflect this shadow, and now, touch our lives with laughter. Much like the old A-bomb PSA's of the 1950s. Thanks to the creative geniuses at Taito, Data East, and SNK during that era, these colorful, hilarious beacons to our frightening history exist...
Operation Thunderbolt
This shooting gallery classic should have been called Delta Force. The white dude should have been Chuck Norris. Instead, you can play as Archer or Carl Weathers, or at least 2 dudes who look like 'em. In actuality, this seizure-inducing shooter is based on the film Operation Thunderbolt AKA: Raid on Entebbe with Charles Bronson, Yaphet Kotto, James Woods, and Robert Loggia among others. The Arcade version of this was a real work of art. It was one of the first games in the US to have two guns. It was a joy and a challenge to play. A few years back I was psyched to see both this and its predecessor, Operation Wolf were on a multi-game called Taito Legends for the PS2. Unfortunately there was only the stupid controller-targeting bullshit on the emulation of one of the most entertaining 2 player games in Arcade History. You can really see 80's America's Arabnoia reflected in the stereotypical enemies. This doesn't make it any less fun to play.
Ikari III: The Rescue
The original Ikari Warriors was like Commando with more control. It featured special rotating joysticks that allowed you to spin your dude around while firing at the enemies and vehicles that surrounded you. In this game you have the same ability but you are twin Rambo III's instead of just being those 2 dudes from the King of the Fighters games, back when they were in 'Nam.
Meanwhile, behind the Iron Curtain...
In Karnov, you are Karnov, a big Russian dude who spits fireballs. He fights dinosaur AND monsters. He uses various throw-away gadgets and abilities throughout the game. This is one that gets extremely frustrating but is not by any means unbeatable. It forces creativity. Karnov also made appearances in Bad Dudes, the Fighters History series and many others. Basically, Karnov was the mascot for Data East. I always imagine that he would slap his own head a lot, like Curly Howard did. It's a tragedy that this character and Curly did not inhabit the same space-time. Data East passed away in 2003. I'd like to think that on some plane of existence, Curly and Karnov, met, did battle, and later became good friends who got drunk and fought each other a lot.
Chernobyl: The Game, was renamed Chelnov after the dude you play as in the game. The game has 2 main rules: You can't stop, and you can't go back. You also better be fast. The screen scrolls with or without you. Once you get your rhythm in this game, it's great for hours. Who is this fuckin' guy anyway? His story and Karnov's are one and the same. You see, before Karnov became a big fuckin' star like the Iron Sheik, he used to hang out with this guy who was an Atomic Runner, a Fighting Human Power Plant!! Eventually, Karnov sold out and went to work for Dragon Ninja. Then he betrayed Chelnov and locked his ass up in a freight car in the background of the train stage in Bad Dudes. Chelnov also reappeared in the Fighter's History games. He couldn't stop. He couldn't go back.
Now let's all pay some fat chicks to jump in the poo and try to splash us. (Move back real fast at the last second.) GO!!
-2013 Wielgorecki
