88 A Hallowed End For A Terrible Toilet

This is it for The Terrible Terror Toilet. Tomorrow morning, Jim Hotep's Discount Supernatural Salvage is hauling the old bowl away. From a safety perspective, it had to be replaced. For sanitary reasons over all. In the spot where the Terrible Terror Toilet once stood, now sits a marvel of modern technology. That's right. We got us one o' them fancy Japanese turlits, what squirts hot water 'cross yer ass crack at the end. Mmm-mm! This is to be The Terrible Terror Toilet's last showcase. Its legacy. It's a Toilet Theater Horrendous Halloween Horror Hoedown. 

Welcome to the end. 

A Terrible Trilogy of Toilet Terrors

This Terrible Terror Triple-decker Duke's Duty is how we will bequeath memorialization unto The Terrible Terror Toilet. This entire post, in plaque form, will be mounted on the wall above the sink in the unisex/handicapped restroom next to the secondary snack bar in Toilet Theaters West. It was a really terrible toilet. It won't be missed. I'm just so bad with goodbyes…



-Part The 1st-

HALL OF INTESTINAL INFAMY: More Legendary Logs

The Following Horror Film Series are hereby inducted into the Hall of Intestinal Infamy. They are the finest of film fodder. True Fartwork. In series form. Presented for the first time here with All-New Turdy Taglines! Look Ma, no LINKS!

Children Of The Corn Series

Issac Craps Corn & I Don't Care.

Out-LANDERRRRR!! The Outlander is a vehicle enjoyed by many awesome Colorado lesbians. It is also what the dude who got his house shit on by Patrick Dempsey calls people what ain't from his down-home, incest-family cornfield. The dude is rad character actor Courtney Gains, who more recently had cameos in Rob Zombie's Halloween and Rockstar Games' L.A. Noir. The One Who Walks Behind The Rows decides who is chosen and who is too corny. Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton star as the uncool-yet-hapless couple on the run from that weird little boy-man, Issac (John Franklin) and his army of ritualistic, corn-fed murderous bumpkin munchkins. Issac was judged. He was too corny. That's just the 1st one. (1984)

To date, there are 9 Children of the Corn movies. 9. In the 2nd one, (1993) every one who played a victim in it is also an early 90s fashion victim. They are all also emotionally handicapped according to their "performances" in this crack corn crap cracker of a movie. The Neo-lookin' twerp with the black hair and the nostrils wasn't nearly as creepy or funny as Issac was in the 1st one. Yet Children of the Corn 2: The (far from) Final Sacrifice, is much funnier than its predecessor was. By COTC3, you really start to tire of the half-assed mythology used to constantly re-structure and resurrect a fantastic one-shot, short story by horror master, Stephen King for Penthouse Magazine in the Spring of 1977. Children of  the Corn is part of King's short story collection, Night Shift, which also contains:

Salem's Lot

Graveyard Shift

The Lawnmower Man

Trucks

Sometimes They Come Back

The Mangler

Which are all a million times better read than seen.     

Reading: It's Like Movies…For Your Head! Don't waste your time with corny children. Read today.

Ghoulies Series

Watch Yer Ass…It's Ghoulies!

The vapid mid-80's nihilism and sleazy satanic sexual predatory rage embodied in this hip honky-time-capsule are so cute today. Or are they? I find the entire cast (with the exception of a lovely young Mariska Hargitay ) pretty tough to look at. They're all just so barf. It's fun watching 'em get killed. My favorite Ghoulie is the Clown one with the squinty slime-eyes. (Played by Gilbert Gottfried's son, Gary) Of course, I am referring to the first Ghoulies movie (1985). There are 4. 

In the second Ghoulies, (1988) the Ghoulies run amok at a haunted carnival. The Carnival runs on magic. So do Ghoulies. Yes, the Magic of electricity, spooking dim minds for thousands of years. Ghoulies 3 (1991) begins with the Ghoulies being conjured via toilet comic reading. It was Primus who first mused "Too Many Puppies." Ghoulies 3 muses "Too Many Ghoulies." Which it has. It also redefines the term "Belly Laugh." Much Partying, and Peeping Tomfoolery takes place as Ghoulies 3 is Ghoulies Go To College. Ghoulies 4, (1994) which considers itself to be the sexiest of all the Ghoulie Movies, brings a stylish yuppie edge to the series while maintaining a decadent S&M undertone. Why no tits? All this and toilet monsters too? A MIDI soundtrack? Labyrinth-style hi-jinks? This one really caps off the series nicely. It makes you say "Enough. Enough with the Ghoulies. Turn it off now, please."  

Ghoulies is the ultimate in Toilet Sacrifice film series. Toilet Theater's lineup of Legendary Logs grows longer and stronger with the addition of the Ghoulies flicks. They will forever hold an honored, Hallowed place in The Hall. Ghoulies love toilets. Toilet Theater loves the Ghoulies.

Leprechaun Series 

When Irish Brown-Eyes Are Smilin' 

Warwick Davis is the greatest. He was also great as Willow in Willow, as Wicket in Return Of The Jedi, as Filius Flitwick in Harry Potter, and as himself in the hilarious Life's Too Short. If I have to pick a favorite out of this brilliant actor's works, I'm going Leprechaun every time. 

Leprechaun (1993)

(This film features Reebok Pumps. Pump a dump-dump.) No one will believe you when you tell them a Leprechaun is after you. Plus Leprechaun can mimic any voice. He will trick your ass. Just don't fuck with his gold pot. Jennifer Anniston is a whiny 25 year old teenage asshole who stays with her shit-kicking hick father in a ruin of a stinky real estate blunder. They can't seem to keep their grubby want-claws off the Leprechaun's gold. Perhaps the Leprechaun, himself is a parody of cheapness as a stereotypical Irish trait. Good one. This movie also has Francis (AKA bad-ass character actor, Mark Holton) and Super Force's Ken Olandt. Can you watch ALL the Leprechaun movies back to back? Can you handle that many limericks? Take the Piss-Pot O' Gold Challenge and find out. If you dare… 

Leprechaun 2 (1994)

Every time you think you've killed the Leprechaun, he comes back. I like to play Going The Distance by Bill Conti over the first few minutes of part 2. This is because, like Rocky, we all cheer for the Leprechaun. In Leprechaun 2 the wee, wicked wizard is out for a wife. In much the same way that Gary Oldman cross-chronologically seduced Winona Ryder in Dracula: New Nightmare (1992) so attempts the deadly Leprechaun. The object of his desire is some blonde waif. This sequel also stars Jack Klompus (AKA the late, great, hilarious Sandy Baron), Twin Peaks PD's receptionist, Kimmy Robertson, Ron's bro, Clint Howard, and a really cool dog. In the end, as usual, they think the little dude is dead. Paging Dr. Rumplestiltskin. Dr. Lazarus Rumplestiltskin.        

Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Leprechaun in Vegas. Armed with Luck, Magic, a winning personality, and sadism, the Leprechaun takes a trip to Sin City with some help from the king of Ozploitation, Brian Trenchard-Smith. As soon as you see he's the director, you know you're in for something special. How does the Leprechaun get to Vegas, you ask? Obviously he is brought in statue form to a pawn shop. The statue comes to life and rips the ear off the pawn shop owner. They naturally become friends after that. Then the Leprechaun kills his one-eared pal. There is a mediocre magic special and gambling. Not only does this movie feature some state-of-the-art interactive porn, it also introduced the world to the idea of a Were-Leprechaun. This one also features the finest animated educational film about Leprechauns ever produced. A triumph.

Wait. Isn't New Orleans Sin City too? I've never been to Vegas, but if I go, I'm spending all my money going to comedy shows because magic sucks. Especially that Mind Freak guy. I want to see all the outtakes where people tell him to fuck off. Too bad Leprechaun didn't kill him. What a bag of shit.

(NOTE: Just so we're clear. Leprechaun is awesome. Comedy is awesome. Penn & Teller are awesome. Magic sucks. It's for chumps.)

...Leprechaun?

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996)

This shit is all over the map. Aliens-type Aliens. Star Trek-type Aliens. Space Marines. Our hero the Leprechaun is caught in the middle of it all, as he plots to dominate The Universe. There's a dude with a huge fuckin metal plate in his head. Be wary of this bastard. If you get a phone call or even a text while in proximity to the plate, he will puke, shit, and run at full sprint. All at the same time, for about 30 seconds. It's a long 30 seconds. This movie shows an unfair stereotype of Space Marines. Contrary to the sleazy, disgusting, soused pig cunts who depict them in this Green Pile, actual Space Marines are very polite, intelligent and hard-working men and women. Don't be fooled by this outrageously biased, bullshit portrayal. Once the metal plate dude starts lip-syncing in drag, all bets are off. Forget it. 

  

Leprechaun 5: In Tha Hood (2000)

To be fair, this is really a movie about a flute. The Wonderful Hip Hop Flute. With this flute, one may rule the Hood because one who holds the flute makes the business their bitch. You know all them gangsters scared. They run back up the fuckin' block when they see that Lil' Beast creepin' up. Plus can't nobody fuck wit Iced-Tea anyways because cat's got one them old-style phones on the desk, son. Another example of why Christian Hip-Hop sucks. Alternately, a limerick is like an Irish rap.

Leprechaun in the Hood is some crap.

I think he smoked weed laced with crack. 

Iced-Tea gets freaked out.

He shrieks and he shouts.

All he wants is his fuckin' flute back.

Stick around for Leprechaun's Music Video during part 5's credits!!

Leprechaun 6: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003)

Ok. We get it. Leprechaun smokes weed. Very funny. Besides rendering an extremely inaccurate portrait of ghetto life, Leprechaun 6 also features the world's 1st cinematic murder by bong. Bongicide…there's yer movie. Anyway, probably the 2 best things about this movie were the 2 hot black chicks who fight over some biker dude who is my new idol. Unfortunately, no nude boobs were shown. Also unfortunately, Warwick Davis was barely in this one and Iced-Tea didn't come back to life for this shit either. There is talk of a 7th Leprechaun movie. Let's hope they bring him back to basics for it. What a great character. What a great film series. Thanks, little dude.

-Part The 2nd-

Classic Creatures as Convoluted Crap

Each Convoluted Crap Creature comes with a free Master Monster Mini-Memorial. 

Dracula 3000 (2004)

Because Dracula 2000 wasn't 2000 enough. The opening sequence reminds me of those fake news-from-the-future bits the Onion does. Only in Dracula 3000, they're serious. It is full of shit. To quote the stammering, stumbling narration of the crappy lead in Dracula 3000: "There are lots of floaters in that system." He is referring to the "Carpathian System" where Space Station Dracula is fully staffed. There's Zeus from WWF fame AKA Deebo AKA President Lindberg AKA Tiny AKA Tony Lister. There's song parody hater, and wannabe Wesley Snipes, Coolio. He becomes a vampire with red eyes, because he thinks merely cursing and smoking weed makes him "cool" again. It doesn't. Sorry, Coolio. You don't scare anyone. Not even as a jive-ass space vampire. There's the corn-pone country pussy of that chick who was in the Beverly Hillbillies movie. Not every movie that sets out to be John Carpenter's Vampires and Ghosts of Mars at the same time is a success. This is no exception. 

Danger! Will Robinson. WARNING: Most Vampire movies suck. Especially Dracula 3000: Infinite Dumbness.
(LINK)

R.I.P. Bela Lugosi 1882-1956

Lady Frankenstein (1971)

At last. Somewhat artistic female nudity. Viva Italia! Viva Corman! Frankensteinina Vendetta! This was one from Corman's Cornball Cornucopia Maize of Movies. An accurate title/synopsis could be Dr. Frankenstein's Daughter's Monster's Revenge. The Monster's noggin is truly something to behold. Not since The Manster (1959), have I seen such a crappy creature cranium. When the sauce on your eye seems like sauce from pizza pie…that's Monstori. Monstori & Rossi Asti Spumante. Lady Frankenstein is the modern kind of European gal, who will fart in the bathtub water, laugh if you get pissed, and then start blowing you to calm you down. What a lady. Of course, in 1971, you might've had a vast black forest to traverse before arriving at her "Promised Land." (LINK)    

R.I.P. Elsa Lanchester 1902-1986

Moon Of The Wolf (1972)

This flick is like the older, less successful, werewolf brother of Salem's Lot. Probably the most memorable part of this movie is when the Werewolf finally shows up. You see that depiction on the poster above? That's dead on. It's like a Muppet Man who never was. We should all be glad he never was. Things are bleaker than The Sopranos in the Muppet Mafia. I heard Rolf was the cousin of this Moon of the Wolf guy. He had to put the old Muppet Man down himself. Gruesome shit. (LINK) 

R.I.P. Lon Chaney Jr. 1906-1973

Mummy Maniac (2007)

This movie looks like humiliation porn, but it isn't. It was just made like shit. The first mistake was letting your girlfriend's little brother be your cameraman. Your second mistake was mixing the audio yourself. Your third mistake was everything you did that led to the creation of Mummy Maniac. This film's maker, Max Nikoff, IS a sound guy, so the fact that the sound on his movie blows anus is all the more pathetic. I think the people who made and "starred" in this shit squirt of a movie have more issues than the serial killer it's based on. Not because they are scary or dangerous at all, but because they actually had to watch back and edit all that shit they shot and they were too deluded to see that what they made, fucking sucked. That's right, this movie isn't even about a Mummy at all. Don't even bother with this. It will make you want to punch stuff. UNFUCKINGWATCHABLE!! (LINK)   

R.I.P. Boris Karloff 1887-1969

Hollow Man (2000)

In Hollow Man, Kevin Bacon is Hollow Man. Hollow Man is what the Invisible Man would've been if he sucked. The special effects were considered excellent for their time. Unfortunately, Hollow Man is just more proof that great effects can only diaper a shitty script so far. The only saving grace in this sci-fi/horror crack's blast is Elizabeth Shue. She's the best. When I was a kid and teen I had mad chubs for Shue. She also played Daniel-Son's girlfriend in Karate Kid 1, and was the babysitter in Adventures in Babysitting. Both of which are fine vintage 80s cheeses. In fact, just skip Hollow Man and watch one of those movies, instead. Hollow Man huffs farts. (LINK)   

R.I.P. Claude Rains 1889-1967

Octaman (1971) 

"A half-man, half-sea-serpent, with many arms." That's what some coffee bean farmers say about Octaman. Nothing in this movie is worth seeing until the full monster shows up. When he does, it's epic. As is every second of film the beast appears in. Rather than write about how funky, hilarious and cool-looking the Octaman is, I will give you a thousand words.

Octaman can be found online. Watch and be merry. (LINK) 

R.I.P. Ben Chapman III 1925-2008

-Part The 3rd-

Haloween III: The WTF Witches (1982)

What the fuck? This is the worst movie in the whole Halloween Universe. What do I mean by "What the fuck?"

What the fuck like why is Kid Rock in the Band Called Death documentary?

What the fuck like some dipshits actually think Spongebob is gay?

What the fuck like why is that cat flipping out like that?

What the fuck like is that cat tripping?

What the fuck like who the fuck is this Piers Morgan?

What the fuck like you know Diddy killed Biggy.

Tommy Lee Wallace. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you completely erase a character mythos that was cool, and a proven box office success formula? Did you consider Season of the Witch an artistic leap? What was your artistic process? Did you take acid and cocaine before punching some halloween masks into a pumpkin hole? You really stuffed those masks in there. Change can be bad. What in the fucking fuck were you thinking, Tommy Lee? 

What the fuck like anyone needs a goddamn watch anymore.

What the fuck like corn is in EVERYTHING!

What the fuck like why aren't there any Ramones Halloween or Holiday Animated Specials?

What the fuck like why do stoners pretend to plan shit?

What the fuck like how come Wayne & Garth don't bury the fucking hatchet, already?

What the fuck like John Wayne WAS a Nazi.

What the fuck are the robots for? To replace the kids when the masks chop off the kids' heads? What for? Why? Does the mad scientist in charge or Silver Shamrock Inc hate kids that much? It's a big corporation, right? No one who works there has kids? Not one guy on the fucking Silver Shamrock board of directors had a kid? None? Nope. No way. No fucking way. Calling bullshit on the whole operation. Would not happen. Could not happen. Is bullshit. Called. What a bad fucking idea. If this movie was a man, I would kick his face.

What the fuck like who is Alec Baldwin to know what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

What the fuck like Linda Hamilton's boobs in Terminator.

What the fuck like Dog the B-Hunter and his fat wife fucking & smoking stolen meth.

What the fuck like one of David Carradine's Kung-Fu-themed, coke/choke-fuck parties.

What the fuck like what ever happened to Jesse Pinkman?

What the fuck like Halloween 3 sucks and is stupid.

(LINK)

Happy Halloween to all, and to all a good fright.

The Terror Toilet will go gentle into that good night.

Toilet Theater will continue screening movies that bite.

(Not Vampire ones.)

Ah-ight.

End.

 -2013 Wielgorecki

87 The Terrible Terror Toilet 4

Scatty Monsters, Pooper Freaks

Keeps shit running. Down my legs. Once I realized that the Devil was just a silly children's story designed for moral training and behavioral control, I decided fearing and hiding from him was equally silly and childlike. I stand before you now with fresh undies/pants, Devil-free, and ready to exploit more exploitation for fun.

BONUS: Free Good Movie Inside. In life we take the good with the bad. Everyone has to. This week's cine-sewage is different. Every box contains a free recommendation for an actually good movie. Every fart cloud has some kinda bronze lining.

This week, we look at freaks. Freaks can make life hilarious. As a guy who's lived in several urban hubs, I can say with certainty that I love watching freaks. When observed from a safe (anonymous) distance, they really are one of the best things about living in big cities. Amusing human wildlife. But what makes a freak a freak? I'm no PHD, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say: Freakiness. While weirdness results in creativity (see MST3K), freakiness often results in befuddlement for the observer, and joblessness/homelessness or worse for the freak themselves. It's one thing to "not fit in", it is quite another to ignore shitting yourself, scream at things only you can see in public, or wear garbage as clothing. As crazy as the freaks in real life are, the ones in many monster masterpieces are even crazier. Many BM-ovies seem to have a love affair with freaks. Here's some shit I saw...

Creepers AKA Phenomena (1985)

Super Argento Brother, Dario Argento, an expert at creeping, and grossing chicks out, did this crapsterpiece. He is a master of cult horror. [See Suspiria (1977), Inferno (1980), Demons (1985), Demons 2 (1986)] Argento has been making fine Italian cheeses like these ones since 1970. As usual with Argento's Cheeses, the gross out factor on this one is wonderful. Maggots, bees, a deformed demon toddler, maggots, and more bees. I love it. I would. I would recommend some rad songs to play over certain parts of the movie, but our hero, Super Dario has already done that for us. Maiden? Motorhead? Fuck yes. It's really worth a look if you're in the horror holiday mood. (Free on Amazon Prime) This diamond in the dung stars a bratty teen Jennifer Connelly, Donald Plesence, and an awesome monkey who is rumored to have escaped into the woods during the production (later found) and to have bitten Jennifer Connelly's finger. (See IMDB Trivia or Google it if you don't believe.) What if the chimp was named Charlie? Get it? The old "Charlie Bit Jennifer Connelly's Finger" bit. Total classic. (LINK)

BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In Law (1977) w/ Rudy Ray Moore AKA The Legendary Dolemite. (LINK)

Pumpkinhead (1988)

Todd Gak from Seinfeld, Blossom from The Big Bang & an extremely malnourished Lance Henrikson star in Pumpkinhead. It's the greatest American faerie tale ever told. It's tits. Watch it free on Netflix. Beware of its wonder and whimsy, which will whisk you away to a simpler time when pies would waft cool on windowsills. Existing briefly, only to be snatched up into the jaws of the friendly neighborhood grizzly, or some fat dude. Ahhmericana. 

"Keep away from Pumpkinhead
Unless you're tired of living
His enemies are mostly dead
He's mean and unforgiving
Laugh at him and you're undone
But in some dreadful fashion
Vengeance, he considers fun
And plans it with a passion
Time will not erase or blot
A plot that he has brewing

It's when you think that he's forgot
He'll conjure your undoing
Bolted doors and windows barred
Guard dogs prowling in the yard
Won't protect you in your bed
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead."

-The Lengthy Pumpkinhead Taunt

Do you know what a Dumpkin is? It's when you take a dump inside a hollowed-out pumpkin. Dumpkins have many uses. One version of the Dumpkin, the Dumpkinhead, is when the Dumpkin itself is given as the gift of a helmet to a unsuspecting friend or frenemy. To be humane and safe, it is best to at least cut out a mouth hole in a Dumpkinhead, so the friend can puke through it, if need be. It's probably a good idea to do this one outside, too. I suppose if you really hated someone you could give them a Dumpkinhead: Fully Loaded with no holes cut out. Then you could throw 'em in a mud pit full of rats and maggots. Yup. Dumpkinhead. Way scarier than Pumpkinhead. 'Nuff said. (LINK)

BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: In Theaters Now! Bad Grandpa (2013) Johnny Knoxville is...(LINK)

The Tall Man (2012)

In this B-flick, the B stands for Bezoar. Plotty blockage. Constipated over and under-acting. Overuse of horror/suspense screenwriting cliches. It's a big 'un. Starring Jessica Biel and Stephen McHattie. The Tall Man is some urban legends you heard before. It will turn your pause button into an implausibility button. Don't bother pressing it, or play at all, to contemplate this diarrhea-slick twisting turning turd-snake of a story. Not worth it. Also, if The Tall Man scares you? You might be a moron. Of course the fact that you're reading this means that's impossible. You're too smart for The Tall Man. Trust me. If you want to really be horrified, watch the documentary, Cropsey (2009) by Barbara Brancaccio, and Joshua Zelman. It tells the semi-true tale of a Staten Island boogeyman. More importantly, it tells the story of Willowbrook State School. To see what a day in the life of Willowbrook State School was like, look here: (LINK) (WARNING: Video cannot be unseen.)

BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: In Theaters Now! Captain Phillips (2013) True heroism ain't pretty.

Shriek Of The Mutilated (1974)

Well this ol' here film is one what's dear in all our hearts here at the Toilet Theater. It stars one of our local celebrities from the Bloggy Creek. You may know him as Sasquatch or Nanuton Nem Ve as our locals call him. This film is often shown in Bloggy Creek for educational purposes. For those brilliant wanderers who've found themselves here for the first time, I bid ya'll welcome. Watching informative, special training films like Shriek Of The Mutilated will help give you an idea of what life out here in the Creek is. One thing's sure. It ain't for everybody. It's fun if you know yer way around. But Bloggy Creek can be treacherous. We are the site of several holes in The Universe. We still have dinosaurs. A band of ninja scientists keep a secret base somewhere underneath us. Aliens from a nearby planet they call Okothor, own all the liquor stores and coffee shops. Many strange and fantastic things have happened out here. Swamp Thing Summers here. He, with his wife and son, own a chain of lemonade stands out here called "Swampwater's." They serve every icy sweet glass with a spoonful of MegaGreens and it's a really healthy refreshing drink. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but Swamp Thing is one hell of a deer hunter, and he whips up a mean moonshine called Green Gasoline. It looks a mite like anti-freeze and'll make ya sing till the pterodactyls start fishin'. What movie was I talkin' about, now? (LINK)

BONUS Good Movie Suggestion:  On Netflix Now! Maniac (2012) Elijah Wood plays an unraveling psychotic. Fucking crazy.

The Baby (1973)

Shit. Kinky stuff. Oedipal kinky stuff. Just gross. The Baby tells the story of a paraphilic infantile named Baby. Masterfully played by actor David Mooney, Baby gets into all kinds of trouble in the diaper fetishist house where he lives with his "Mom" and some other chicks. This movie features the best-ever use of Donald Duck in a film. The sounds David Mooney makes as Baby are crazy as shit. A social worker finds Baby and imposes a plot to take the kooky fucker away with her. She has it bad for the adult baby syndrome man. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being able to exercise in any legal fetishes they want in private. I guess this movie is the reason the paraphilic infantilism genre didn't take off. I'm glad for that. Personally, I just can't appreciate the erotic qualities of sitting around in my own boom boom. Maybe I'm the one with the problem? (LINK)

BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: In Theaters Now! Machete Kills (2013) Machete don't stop.

Is that how you Cabbage Patch?

Doppelganger (1993)

It's crazy that Drew Barrymore knees Machete in the nuts in this movie. It's pretty crazy when she showers her boobs up with blood too. She's real stabby in this one. Oh Drew. She's such a sweetie you really have to forgive her stabbiness. It's always great to start a weekend out with nude boobs. This movie really hits on two points. It hits 'em hard. Point One: Lots of women have doppelgängers. Hanna Montana has Molly Cyrus, Annabella Sciorra had Rebecca DeMornay's hand rock her cradle, Bridget Fonda had Jennifer Jason Leigh. It's a pretty common problem for chicks. Point Two: That Jewelry Box Music is always creepy. Hey? Is this one of those Poison Ivy movies? Was Poison Ivy into Aliens, man? Oh, right. She's two chicks. One timid. One psycho. As usual the timid one is way nicer, and the psycho one is way better in bed. That's just the way it is. Some things will never change. Oh, except for everything in this movie. Drew. The Doppelgänger. It all changes. That's all I can say. Light some candles, blast some Enigma, and put on Doppelgänger. You'll see…
it…
walk…

BONUS Good Movie Suggestion: On Netflix Now! Bernie (2011) Jack Black rules as Bernie, in, Bernie. A true tale of murder.

I escaped the Devil and ran through a bunch of freaks. I must say I am having a great time. I hope all you are too. I'll be back. Before you know it. With even more maddening movie poo from The Terrible Terror Toilet!

Next time, it ends.

-2013 Wielgorecki

86 The Terrible Terror Toilet 3

 

The Devil Craps Lava

All I've ever seen the Devil wear, is a black diaper, or some mongoloid face. He's really more of a figurehead. There's a lot of other fuckers what run Hell. The Devil Hisself? Not too smart. Trust me on this. He has cool cars and sex-chicks and whatnot, but He's dumb, and sexually weird. It's not really clear if He's into S or M, or F or M for that matter. Basically, He's a bi-sexual, borderline-sociopath, sexual-sadist, with some serious Daddy issues. Here's some movies about this redneck fag. Alls I can say is: Never let the Devil use yer crapper. He will destroy it. Heed my words. With consonants of incontinence, and vowels of bowels - Here He is. Without further a doo…
  

The Devil's Rain (1975)

Borgnine! Borgnine! Borgnine! If he'd had his own variety show called that, I'd have watched it every week. It could have been old Borgnine. It could have been less-old Borgnine. It would have been great TV. His presence is sorely missed on the physical realm of Earth. (R.I.P. 1917-2012) No use crying over spilled Borgnine, though. Especially by the end of this shit-shower. It may be better to just enjoy his existing, hilarious body of work. This rhinestone (or "Superstar") encrusted brown serpent represents some of that body's waste. Rhinestones include: Travolta (in his film debutt), Ida Lupino (Bogie-Noir Leading Lady & TV/Film Director), Shatner (He's a Cowboy), a young Tom ("The Mustache") Skerritt, and Green Acres' own Eddie Albert (The 1st TV Star). This so-called Devil's Rain is just basically ass-acid rain that melts people from their eyes out. I like to think that Borgninian Satan would fuck the empty eye-holes of his half-melted slaves. Good for you, Goat-dude. Get some. The 1960s' favorite molested choir-boy, Anton LeVey also makes a brief cameo. This is by far the funniest and my favorite of the movies on this list and deserves a place in the Toilet Theater Hall Of Intestinal Infamy.

Congratulations, The Devil's Rain. You are now a Legendary Log.
(LINK)

"Praise...BE!"

        

The Devil Rides Out AKA The Devil's Bride (1968)

What is it we all love so much about seeing aristocratic English people being terrorized by the supernatural? Whatever it is, the only thing we love more than that is religious, aristocratic English people being terrorized by Satan & Pals. In any instance of this, Christopher Lee must be present. Don't ask me why. I don't write these formulas. They exist. I just point them out. In The Devil Rides Out (which begs a porn-parody), the Devil doesn't do much riding at all. I at least expected some bikers to show up with a title like this, but no. This movie proves, as does all film history, that Christopher Lee is way better as a villain. Truth, he is probably one of the greatest all-around actors of all time, but will be remembered most for his talent of imposing a sinister presence. Please enjoy the films of Hammer and American International most responsibly. Brandy. Good Ganja Graham Crackers. Car Service. That's how the devil REALLY rides out. Smooth. Like a secret agent's ghost, or Dracula's lawyer.
(LINK)

The Club (1994)

We now join The Club, already in progress. From beginning to end, every scene in this movie seems like it starts mid-scene. The beginning could be the middle. The middle could be the beginning. Something's missing... Chromasomes? (In the case of the actors.) Sense of continuity? (In the case of the editors.) How about an ugly, red-headed stepchild version of Benny, from Benny and Joon? Nope. They remembered that. There's another redhead guy who beats his GF (to DEATH). There are also some dumb-ass male and female brunettes, one of whom replaced the late Corey Haim during his "difficult" stage. (He was fired.) In the movie The Club, The Club isn't really a club. It's more of a supernatural soap opera with bad effects, shit-poor attempts at comedy, and plenty of puffy shirts. Essentially it's a really long, crappy music video with no song. The 25-30 year old high school kids in this movie try channeling everything from The Breakfast Club to Scooby Doo trying to entertain us. All failed. The footage obtained was edited together by some mentally ill chimps and released…In Canada. A great country, what makes a mean ham. The Devil takes many forms, eh?
(LINK)

The Brotherhood Of Satan (1971)

This is a hard one to figure. Not as confusing as it is ridiculous. What does this movie's makers really want to do with it? I guess they never figured it out. It appears to be about some geriatric Satanists that kill cars and steal kids. The way they kill cars with a functional antique Army tank is kinda cool. Pink and red blood-paint stains this bloody diarrhea of a Devil film. It's point is lost in numerous attempts to offend and scare a naive, fearful, early 70s Christian audience. In the end, isn't Satanism just Anti-Christian/Judaism? Isn't an anti-religion just another religion? Is DaDa art? Don't go into school and debt trying to figure it out. Don't even think about it. Make your own art. Waste time with things that don't make sense. Read into what you want. Take every psychedelic you can get your hands on. See? If you have to ask, you'll never know. Duh.
(LINK)

Satan's Little Helper (2004)

A film like Satan's Little Helper only comes around once a century. It proves, like all great films do, that bullying is way more fun if you have a little toady sidekick. We first came across this in Jean Shepard's A Christmas Story. While Scut Farkus got his ass beat, Satan just kept bullying and bullying. According to certain things I have read by Clive Barker, He got really good at it. Every master eventually seeks out an apprentice. Satan's Little Helper tells the story of one such apprentice. Who better to apprentice Lucifer than a little suburban dork boy? No one ever, at all. This little mouth breather was the best He could find. This movie terrified me beyond belief. I am hole up in the little janitor shed outside Toilet Theater right now writing this. My pants are soiled and soaked with my fear. I just know if the Devil gets me He's gonna beat me up and slit my titties. Guess I'll just wait here till sunup. Uh. My pants. God Damn you, Satan!
(LINK)

If I ever muster up the balls to venture out of my stinky little theological fear shed, there will be more.
Next time, on Toilet Theater's Terrible Terror Toilet: Strangers and Freaks. B-there. B-ware.

    -2013 Wielgorecki

85 The Terrible Terror Toilet 2

Mean Green Martian Dukes

All spaceworthy spaceships have shitters. Sometimes in space, a vessel must jettison its waste material. This crap floats and orbits all worlds throughout the galaxy. True dark matter. Poopsicles. Sometimes a filmer here on Earth will see what they think is a star and wish upon it. What they don't know is, they've just wished on an extra-terrestrial turd and its glowing gas array. Ignorant to this fact, the filmer will continue filming their film. Making wish. Unfortunately for their audiences, those filmers' wishes all came true. Here at Toilet Theater, we drown these cine-browns. Time to pluck some shining shit blobs from space and flush them down to Intergalactic Video Hell where they belong. I like to shout at it when I flush it down. "Damnspeed, ye pieces O Spaceshit!" I'll scream at it, as the blood boils into my eyes. It's cool. In space, no one can hear it anyway. Sometimes, wished-upon space-crap gloms together into clumps…much like the films featured in the following fecal cluster of cinema crap from beyond the Moon…I may need to bust out the singularity plunger, but they're all going down. You bet yer ass they are. It was Aliens, man. I seen 'em. Up on down there a ways. Here 'em am.

Devil Girl From Mars (1955)

Why are there Space Programs? They suck sacks and sacks of cash out of governments, yet every government that can afford one, has one. The answer is simple. Alien Pussy. It is the main reason for the riddickulously expensive, dick-centric world of space travel. All dudes who've ever been shot down by a lady, have peered to those lonely-night heavens and pondered: "I wonder if there's any chicks in space?" or "I bet Alien chicks are hot." According to Devil Girl From Mars, Mars needs dudes. Women naturally won the Great Sex Wars of Mars, and killed all theirs. The Girls of Mars subsequently sent their sexiest dominatrix to earth, cruising for cock. Her name is Nyah. She dresses like an S&M Magneto. She has a big robo, who's claws can crush an Earth-man's testicles like grapes. It seems like some actors in this movie are simultaneously auditioning for news anchor jobs. Why So Ridiculous? The plot is almost as silly as using a WW2 pistol to shoot at a Devil Girl From Mars. Kinda useless. I mean if a Martian Dom-lady came and offered you not only a trip to Mars, but a chance to dock your rocket in as many Martian babes as you could, you'd go. Any straight guy would. Sorry straight-wives of Earth, it's true. Plus, if you didn't go, Nyah's robo will totally squeeze your nut sack until it's crushed like 2 eggs in a balloon. Ow.
(LINK)  

Bad Girls From Mars (1991)

Bad Girls From Mars makes Devil Girl From Mars look like pure class. Like porn vs art. (A never-ending war.) There's tons of unnecessary boob-nudity in this spacey, erotic tale told out of school without a thought in its pretty little head. I must give the Bad Girls some credit, though. Showing bare boobs without a tip or tee? Not even a boob like me'd do that. Barbarella had boobs in it, too. But Barbarella I can respect. Bad Girls From Mars gets some credit for having the GUTS to call itself a movie. But respect? Not a chance. Somebody get these dizzy dames some Johnny Cab fare, will ya?
(LINK)

Murder In Space (1985)

Deuce Delta? This is Control. Doo you read? Despite having 2 talented stars from 2 great sci-fi flicks, [Michael Ironside (Total Recall: OG), Wilford Brimley (Cocoon)] Murder In Space is still murder on the senses. If you were flipping through the dial back in 1985, and came upon this, you would just flip past it. Not because you thought it was a bad, made-for-TV, sci-fi crap-smear. Because you'd think it was an IBM or oatmeal commercial. The crap-acted accents in this one are reason enough to watch it. The fun doesn't end there though. There's Wilford B's obvious contempt for his cast-mates. There's anti-commie propaganda like only 1985 can offer. There's mystery. There's the fact that this was a strange attempt by Viacom to bribe it's audience into watching pure poop. When Murder In Space first aired, it used the tried and true "To Be Continued…" method. As incentive to watch the rest of it and further murder your brains, Showtime offered $25K and a trip to anywhere in the world to one who could solve this monkey fist of a mystery. "Look, just watch this OK? You pay attention. We'll pay you." Murder In Space shits into your eyes and ears, and envelops the brain in a farty space-fog. Who am the Ad Wizard who came up with this one? Rad-Ass-Crap The Brown?
(LINK)

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave (2008)
I could use this paragraph to talk about how stupid the idea of a sequel to War of the Worlds is. I could use it to say a few words about how remakes and "mockbusters" are moronic wastes of money and time. I could even go on at length about how sparse and seldom book-to-film storytelling equalities are. But why do that when I could be making fun of C. Thomas Goddamn Howell? Like taking a dump into the Grand Canyon. This is what the film career of CTH is to the movie industry. It doesn't really make much difference, but it sure doesn't do much good. Remember the Hitcher? Uh. Just imagine this dude in a coke fit. Fuck. If he pulled that shit in my house, I'd taze him in the face. Mybe he's not that bad. I would never choke the fuckin' shit out of him, as C's probably done to many LA-area prostitutes. WOTW2 is not campy. It isn't fun. Even really dumb kids will think it sucks. I've never seen the S.S. (Steven Spielburg) version, but I hear good things. Minority Report is really awesome. Most stories by Phillip K. Dick are, despite him being born a Dick. Rather than waste your brain's electricity on seeing Grey Thomas Howell howl harsh farts from his hammy mouth-hole, read the Exegesis or short fiction of Phillip K. Dick. It will make you smarter and more imaginative, instead of making you watch C. Thomas and Kid from Kid N Play walk through rubber alien anal glands.
(LINK)

Other Great Films Featuring C. Tommy
Soul Man (1986) As Blackface.
Kid (1990) As Kid.
Dead Fire (1997) As Blonde.
Hitman's Run (1999) See Post 75.
The Hillside Strangler (2004) "Playing" a serial killer.
The DaVinci Treasure (2006) As Non-Hanks.
Mutant Zombie Vampires From The Hood (2008) As Soul Man.

That's all the asstro poo-pods for this Halloween. There's a ton more out there. I'm gonna go now, and try to wash the space-waste from my now, shit-spattered spacesuit. See you next week. 

Next time on The Terrible Terror Toilet: Satan. They don't call him "Lord of the Flies" for nothin'…

-2013 Wielgorecki