This is a NerdPostXclusive...
NOTE: the word "modern" in this post is meant to be the dictionary definition of the word. NOT the bullshit art school meaning.
Let's start with Batman, or "The Batman" as he is referred to in Christopher Nolan's completely convoluted, constantly self-affirming movies based on the character. It took me a while to finally go see this film. Not because of that local neo-trenchcoat retard pussy boy and his equally convoluted, psycho, celebrity-obsessed rampage in Aurora, but because I knew it would be bad and have no desire to use, nor access to, the kinds of drugs that make this kind of crap palatable to my brain. I went to see it anyway.
The first big mistake this franchise made was trying to turn this character from a comic book superhero into a purportedly realistic/modern vigilante. This Batman is darker, he's an icon, yes, but in the trilogy's conclusion this is forcibly stuffed into our skulls over and over. A friend of mine warned me about this before I went to see it. "The Batman is a symbol" OK we get it.
By ripping off most of Frank Miller's "Year One" story from 1987, (I thought) Nolan had made a decent film with the series' opener. I was able to overlook the ridiculous voice Bale used, Katie Holmes and the nerd in me was able to overlook the creative liberties taken with the character's origin.
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In the second film, arguably the best of the 3, we bear witness to the graphic, albeit, self-imposed mental and possibly spiritual demolition of a young actor. Jack Nicholson was quoted as saying "I warned him." when he was asked about playing the character/Ledger's death. Rubberneckers worldwide (including myself and almost everyone I know) pumped more than half a billion bucks into the franchise to watch, ensuring the production of a 3rd film.
Which brings us to "Dark Knight Rises"- as usual, the action sequences are all well shot and the special effects are extremely well-crafted. Michael Caine although reading very lame and whiny lines delivered his usual excellent acting, as did Morgan Freeman. I also enjoyed Nolan's interpretation of the Bane character. His writers have, overall, done a fairly decent job of molding the Batman rogues gallery to suit his elaborate mythos. Life gives you lemons? You better have sugar too. Not to mention the very well executed plot/knife twist towards the end.
All in all it's not a bad stand-alone action movie. It is when Nolan takes this simple action movie formula and tries (like his films have with their central character) to choke its audience with air-puffed drama and unnecessary iconography that its epic failures ensue.
Why does Bale have to use that muppet monster voice? I find myself laughing at his every line, much like the hilarious girls who were in the audience when I first saw "Dark Knight" in NY years ago. I suppose as a man-diva actor, he has to remain consistent even when we are all laughing at him. Kevin Conroy, the voice-actor who played Batman in the early 90s animated series used a growly voice too, but, it was much more subdued and intelligent. These two words will obviously never be associated honestly with Bale. Also, as the title character, he only appeared in about 15 minutes of film during a 156 minute, bloated behemoth.
Let's think about Catwoman now. Mmmmm. Catwoman. Not so much in this movie. Why couldn't it have been a beautiful black woman? Anne Hathaway, minus that padded catsuit is a pale, dumpy, boney woman with a really pretty smile as long as it's smothered in a shitload of red lipstick. (Batman himself was also equally liptastick in this one. I guess it's easy to get chapped lips while tearing' ass around on that bat-cycle.) She is also a very very good actress and showed off her skills in this movie as much as it would allow her to. I'm just saying that as a sex symbol? …anyway, I know when I'm being lied to.
It's true, as it is of almost all critics, that I have no room to talk. I've never even made a movie that wasn't a bunch of other people's shit edited together to make it seem funny (to me). I have no idea how hard it is to try and create a film that is supposed to be a modern, original, interpretation of an internationally beloved icon while at the same time trying to satisfy my own creative interests and dealing with crybaby actors, and producers/executives who believe their creative insight is important to my project. I am glad I don't. I guess that's the price one pays for commercial success in the film industry these days. I believe Bane said it best in the Bat-back-breaker scene- Chris Nolan: "victory has defeated you."
Now everyone go watch the Tim Burton version again.
So, yeah, Max Payne. I first played and loved this game on a PC the week before I moved to NY in late October 2002. It was the first 3rd person shooter I had ever played. That combined with the gritty-as-fuck storyline, the fun, comic-book-style cutscenes, brutal gameplay, and matrixy bullet time effect made it super addictive. I played through it twice that week, excited for a hard-boiled, badass NY that I sort-of knew no longer existed. Nevertheless, the fantasy was fantastic.
I don't know how or why, but it seems only fitting that Rockstar Games, the supreme American Juggernaut of the video game industry, decided to pick up this franchise. I am so glad they did. I have played just about every game these brilliant designers have put out since GTA3. Each one has been better than the last. Max Payne 3 is no exception. If you don't believe me - play it.
Perhaps this is just more evidence that the film industry is simply unable to compete with what the video game industry can offer their audiences these days. The insane pace and interactive hand-eye experience of playing a graphically gorgeous, plot-driven game vs. going to any mediocre masturbatory film made with a bloated budget by some out-of-touch ivory tower Hollywood assholes is no contest at all. Just look at how shitty the Max Payne movie (w/ Marky Mark as Max?!?) was.
I believe the time has come that the film industry needs to take a page from these brilliant game creators/designers. Time for things to get real. The real world of crime is very very ugly, dirty, and mean. We all know this is true. When it appears to be artistically presented accurately, we even like it this way. Max Payne, like Bruce Wayne, is a tragic character, bent on avenging a murdered family. Only he doesn't put on a whole mess of lipstick and talk in a silly, unnaturally grumbly voice as he realizes this revenge. Max (as you) tears through the realistic dirty shitholes where his enemies hide. Dealing with these types of enemies on terms they can believably understand and fear. A known associate with a bullet through the eye sure beats a bullshit bat signal for inspiring this type of fear.
It is time for a more direct approach to storytelling in today's media. People are getting smarter every day. Today's smart audience members know when there's a web of bullshit being spun around them. It smells, and we are getting sick from it. If you want to create a pulpy, realistic, gritty, violent, revenge story look to characters like Punisher or Max Payne. If you want to create a comic book or superhero movie, look at Warren Beatty's Dick Tracy or Richard Donner's Superman. The reason that the Avengers movie was so good was that they weren't trying to rewrite history. Unrealistic characters = unrealistic (possibly fun) story. Realistic tragic characters = realistic tragic story. No one with a working tounge puts sour patch kids in their salad, or whipped cream & cherries on their steaks. It just doesn't make for good flavor.
At $35-$50 for Max Payne and about $7-$10 for a movie, maybe Batman is the best investment of your leisure money. But, you have to ask yourself - "What is the best use of my leisure time?"
At $35-$50 for Max Payne and about $7-$10 for a movie, maybe Batman is the best investment of your leisure money. But, you have to ask yourself - "What is the best use of my leisure time?"
Overall:
Batman 3's BEST: Matthew Modine's death scene. Bane's goons taking down the rich.
WORST: The British take on American Football esp the little British shit who sang our National Anthem. Why couldn't that little bastard have died? It's only a movie after all.
Max Payne 3's BEST: Unique gameplay, graphics, plot, original music (by Health), great pace, overall fun, and shooting Brazillian commando speedboats from a fucking moving speedboat.
WORST: annoying 2nd to last boss in police station. You'll see if you play.
Happy killing, friends.
-2012 Wielgorecki
This has been a NerdPostXclusive.
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