So? Summer is as dead as that cancer girl from The Informers. But there's still one more blowout before that last orange golden shower of sunlight sets into the filthy sweet summer water. Let us ride the last gust. Come floatin' in on that Frank Sinatra death fart. Come one, come all...
Unless you are beyond dumb, there is always a clear cut line between creativity and soulless sugar sap. I choose to cut these lines to my own choosing and then display my bastard-vision collage of what I see. Summer Media Melee last year, was pretty cut and dry. (Post 4: LINK) This time, there are a shitload more fighters on the card, it isn't really a fight, and the fate of the world, is just that. Fate. Fate is fake. Fuck the world. Here are some who DO, and some who're doo. We'll start with the latter. That's not brownie batter...
TOILET THEATER PRESENTS...
Munchie (1992)
Hey! That kid made that exact same face on some video game ad, didn't he? Jeez, kid. Get a new face. None of the kids in this were any good, because they sucked at acting. One became an "it girl" in the latter-day 1990s when her boobs came in. The others' stories are probably much darker...and Loni Anderson as The Joker, disguised as a blonde lady. Munchie is one of those freeloading aliens like ET, Mac & Me, or that Paul. But hey, at least he's not that pastel jelly-bean shitting abomination from Hop, or Marky Mark's potty-talkin teddy bear breakdown. The only real actor in this is the late, great Dom DeLuise as the voice of the titular character. The titular character is Munchie, by the way. Munchie's lips have a real tough time getting around the words he says on time. Can you guess what his favorite food is? If you can't, you might be one chromosome shy of a six pack. Ay, kid? Ya get me? Huh? Get it? Ya hear me? (It doesn't.) (LINK)
Great moments in Munchie
00:25:30 - 00:26:24 "Ima gonna killa that a-Pizza Pie!!"
00:28:44 - 00:29:01 "Creepy Asleepy"
00:56:07 - 00:57:18 "Trouble Mouth"
01:02:53 - 01:03:39 "The Wrong Party"
Guess what else? There's a sequel. (LINK)
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Goobers AKA Mystery Monsters (1997)
Oh man. Is this OK for kids? The original PCP directed this one (Poo-Cinema Puppetmaster), Charles Band. They didn't call it Full Moon Productions for nothing. Goobers is like a big goober made up of a lot of pre-existing goobers stuck together. (Exactly how I'm sure some see my work.) As if the world of kid acting wasn't scary enough. Goobers takes a world that is bad, and makes it worse. How? By not giving a hoot about itself. Not even for one second. In the end, the moral of the story is: If you become a child actor, you might get the crabs. This "children's" movie works much better as riffable comedy for adults. As long as the adults are heavily inebriated. Don't just eat Goobers while watching Goobers. Chocolate and peanuts alone wont do the trick. Pop a goofball or 2. Otherwise, I can't possibly recommend watching Goobers.
Now get your kids the fuck out of here. It's time for...
Road House (1989)
Many say that Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space is the Mother of all bad movies. If that is indeed the case, then Road House is the Motherfucker. It has been so eloquently riffed and reviewed before I have a hard time believing that my opening sentence here has not been thought of or written before. I don't know, and I am not made of the patience to find out. It is one of those movies like Plan 9, The Room, or Manos, that have achieved ultra-cult status. Probably the best riff I've seen of this one is by Mystery Science Theater Viking, Mike Nelson. His audio riff is killer and costs like $3 @ rifftrax.com. It's also fun to riff alone or with some good friends or robots. See Road House, and see the Road House within oneself. Pain don't hurt? I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice? Is that some Zen riddle from beyond the grave, Swayze? I'm in over my head here.
(LINK)
Motorama (1991)
I suppose you could let your young kid watch this one, if you wanted to turn them into an asshole forever...
So. Kid of 10 driving through the desert in a stolen vintage Mustang on a road trip by himself. He gets harassed by rough adult drunks. Ignorant, creepy, touchy-feely gas station attendants named Phil ask him suggestively to check his oil and accuse him of murder. Scary Cops offer him jobs that aren't even theirs to give. Lynchian Innkeepers beg him for dead squirrels. Garrett Morris? He's so much better than this. Flea is a busboy. He bribes Flea with fake money. He uses Groucho glasses to pose as a health inspector. Teens fuck in his car. He has his eye popped, and is sexually tortured by Jack Klompus from Seinfeld. Meatloaf and a goon of his, sadistically tattoo him. Not even a kid born in a mud puddle of cocaine, gasoline and stray dog piss would fucking buy this.
In Motorama, Motorama is a Mickey D's Monopoly style game. Except that it's gasoline instead of sugar and fat promotion. To play the game you buy gas to get letter cards that spell out M-O-T-O-R-A-M-A. One reason Motorama sucks is because the acting is shit. Another reason is its dumb plot. It's an unfeasible shit yarn about a trading card obsessed young jerk thief who will likely become a corrupt fucking degenerate asshole criminal gambler when he grows up. To bad he doesn't die. (or does he?) (LINK)
A Message For The Kids: Always, forever beat up any kids that have Motorama Cards. Beat their asses to death.
CHUD (1984)
Hey, did everybody except John Goodman in this fucking movie need to report to the set of Miami Vice the next day or what? In CHUD, the blonde lady (who's body will remind you of a crackwhore's) is supposed to be a model. Only in the 80s, bitch. Personally, I'd much rather make out with a CHUB than a CHUD. (and by CHUB, I mean BBW or BB-Dub) It's fun to call getting killed by CHUD, getting CHUDDED. Then you won't get scared at the really scary parts. "Dude's about to get CHUDDED!" Rillydo, CHUD does not fuck around. He's pretty fucked up. He gets hungry, living in the sewer, smelling shit gas all day. He's usually pretty pissed by the time he comes out to feed. Basically, if you get caught up, and he wants to eat you, he's gonna. CHUD stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. (or does it?) CHUD is really just the dude's nickname. It's another one of those wacky government programs that no one really understands. (LINK)
Other things CHUD could stand for:
Champion Humping Underwear Dragon
Cornbread Ham Umpire Dump (For the Dirty South)
Celestial Hungry Universal Deity (AKA Galactus)
Coprophagical Hunk of Ugly Diapers
Chubby Hump of Unusual Density
Crumbs Hate Uneaten Dessert
Chaste Hooker Usurps Destiny
Creepy Horrible Underground Drug
Cram Halen Up Dicks
Corn Hooch Under Ditch
Children Hitching Up Datsuns (For the Really Dirty South)
Cunt Has Undone Dude
Cold Hard Unsexy Death
Coop Holding Undead Diamondbacks
Cradle Heats Unknown Demon.
Crazy Hermit Unearths Divinity
Crap Hat Ukelele Duck
And now for something completely awesome.
Youth Gone Wild
Comedy Cutie Sexy Catfight
Maria Bamford
Sarah Silverman
The Ramones: On TV, Germany 9/13/1978 WWJRD?
Iron Maiden: Long Beach Arena, Los Angeles, CA USA 3/14-17/1985 What Would Eddie Doo? Lava?
(LINK)
Look, just watch these, OK?
Tales From The Creek
"It's an American Heavy Metal Weekend!" If you're up in the highlands, it's already cold enough at night to have bonfires. Here, below the foothills it's been hot as fuck. Are you biting your nails in suspense yet? Of course not. The point is, tell stories around a big fire. Possibly behind a Wal-Mart somewhere:
And, of course, as promised, here are some Tits for lookin' at.
Wake my tits up, when September ends.
Not really. I hate that song. See you soon.
========================================================================
Molly's Tits Sidebar
Two tits at a big dumb rave party died this week because they OD'd on Molly. The big dumb rave got cancelled because the tits died. Undoubtedly, dumb parents will now blame the drug itself, instead of its irresponsible use. Many will choose to police, rather than educate, and more families will suffer. Isn't that always the rotten-apple-barrel-way? It only takes 1 fuckin' asshole that thinks they deserve to get higher than everyone else, or be suicidal enough to fuck up everyone's good time. At this thing there was 2 of 'em. They ignorantly or selfishly took way too much. They probably didn't hydrate properly. Then, they died. Then, because of their ignorance and/or selfishness, the whole party gets ruined. Taking more than one dose of that shit on one night is biochemically pointless anyway. You can only make so much serotonin in a day, kids. Maybe they killed themselves. Suicide is the ultimate act of narcissism. Thanks for shitting on the party, ya greedy fucks. Wow. Those two tits were a real couple of dicks. Huh-huh. Darwin.
Unless you are beyond dumb, there is always a clear cut line between creativity and soulless sugar sap. I choose to cut these lines to my own choosing and then display my bastard-vision collage of what I see. Summer Media Melee last year, was pretty cut and dry. (Post 4: LINK) This time, there are a shitload more fighters on the card, it isn't really a fight, and the fate of the world, is just that. Fate. Fate is fake. Fuck the world. Here are some who DO, and some who're doo. We'll start with the latter. That's not brownie batter...
TOILET THEATER PRESENTS...
Little Shit Children's Poo Poo Corner
Ever wish your kids would just sit down and shut their little shit mouths for a while? That's why slapping and videos were invented. This same hitting, and screens that display images are really good at shutting adults up, too. Here's 2 movies made of ooey-gooey baby shit that should both be no fun for the whole Family!Hey! That kid made that exact same face on some video game ad, didn't he? Jeez, kid. Get a new face. None of the kids in this were any good, because they sucked at acting. One became an "it girl" in the latter-day 1990s when her boobs came in. The others' stories are probably much darker...and Loni Anderson as The Joker, disguised as a blonde lady. Munchie is one of those freeloading aliens like ET, Mac & Me, or that Paul. But hey, at least he's not that pastel jelly-bean shitting abomination from Hop, or Marky Mark's potty-talkin teddy bear breakdown. The only real actor in this is the late, great Dom DeLuise as the voice of the titular character. The titular character is Munchie, by the way. Munchie's lips have a real tough time getting around the words he says on time. Can you guess what his favorite food is? If you can't, you might be one chromosome shy of a six pack. Ay, kid? Ya get me? Huh? Get it? Ya hear me? (It doesn't.) (LINK)
Great moments in Munchie
00:25:30 - 00:26:24 "Ima gonna killa that a-Pizza Pie!!"
00:28:44 - 00:29:01 "Creepy Asleepy"
00:56:07 - 00:57:18 "Trouble Mouth"
01:02:53 - 01:03:39 "The Wrong Party"
Guess what else? There's a sequel. (LINK)
Oh man. Is this OK for kids? The original PCP directed this one (Poo-Cinema Puppetmaster), Charles Band. They didn't call it Full Moon Productions for nothing. Goobers is like a big goober made up of a lot of pre-existing goobers stuck together. (Exactly how I'm sure some see my work.) As if the world of kid acting wasn't scary enough. Goobers takes a world that is bad, and makes it worse. How? By not giving a hoot about itself. Not even for one second. In the end, the moral of the story is: If you become a child actor, you might get the crabs. This "children's" movie works much better as riffable comedy for adults. As long as the adults are heavily inebriated. Don't just eat Goobers while watching Goobers. Chocolate and peanuts alone wont do the trick. Pop a goofball or 2. Otherwise, I can't possibly recommend watching Goobers.
Now get your kids the fuck out of here. It's time for...
TTP HALL OF INTESTINAL INFAMY
Legendary Logs
It is a rare privilage. The Royale Dukes who's poopy portraits hang in this Museum of Cinematic Squat Hash are the few, the proud, the brown submarines. The movies here have been humorously reviewed and riffed by thousands to be certain. They endure, and are always great to watch with a group of clever fucks. These are the 3 first inductees into Toilet Theater's Loathsome Lineup of, Legendary Logs. Legendary Logs
Many say that Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space is the Mother of all bad movies. If that is indeed the case, then Road House is the Motherfucker. It has been so eloquently riffed and reviewed before I have a hard time believing that my opening sentence here has not been thought of or written before. I don't know, and I am not made of the patience to find out. It is one of those movies like Plan 9, The Room, or Manos, that have achieved ultra-cult status. Probably the best riff I've seen of this one is by Mystery Science Theater Viking, Mike Nelson. His audio riff is killer and costs like $3 @ rifftrax.com. It's also fun to riff alone or with some good friends or robots. See Road House, and see the Road House within oneself. Pain don't hurt? I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice? Is that some Zen riddle from beyond the grave, Swayze? I'm in over my head here.
(LINK)
I suppose you could let your young kid watch this one, if you wanted to turn them into an asshole forever...
So. Kid of 10 driving through the desert in a stolen vintage Mustang on a road trip by himself. He gets harassed by rough adult drunks. Ignorant, creepy, touchy-feely gas station attendants named Phil ask him suggestively to check his oil and accuse him of murder. Scary Cops offer him jobs that aren't even theirs to give. Lynchian Innkeepers beg him for dead squirrels. Garrett Morris? He's so much better than this. Flea is a busboy. He bribes Flea with fake money. He uses Groucho glasses to pose as a health inspector. Teens fuck in his car. He has his eye popped, and is sexually tortured by Jack Klompus from Seinfeld. Meatloaf and a goon of his, sadistically tattoo him. Not even a kid born in a mud puddle of cocaine, gasoline and stray dog piss would fucking buy this.
In Motorama, Motorama is a Mickey D's Monopoly style game. Except that it's gasoline instead of sugar and fat promotion. To play the game you buy gas to get letter cards that spell out M-O-T-O-R-A-M-A. One reason Motorama sucks is because the acting is shit. Another reason is its dumb plot. It's an unfeasible shit yarn about a trading card obsessed young jerk thief who will likely become a corrupt fucking degenerate asshole criminal gambler when he grows up. To bad he doesn't die. (or does he?) (LINK)
A Message For The Kids: Always, forever beat up any kids that have Motorama Cards. Beat their asses to death.
Hey, did everybody except John Goodman in this fucking movie need to report to the set of Miami Vice the next day or what? In CHUD, the blonde lady (who's body will remind you of a crackwhore's) is supposed to be a model. Only in the 80s, bitch. Personally, I'd much rather make out with a CHUB than a CHUD. (and by CHUB, I mean BBW or BB-Dub) It's fun to call getting killed by CHUD, getting CHUDDED. Then you won't get scared at the really scary parts. "Dude's about to get CHUDDED!" Rillydo, CHUD does not fuck around. He's pretty fucked up. He gets hungry, living in the sewer, smelling shit gas all day. He's usually pretty pissed by the time he comes out to feed. Basically, if you get caught up, and he wants to eat you, he's gonna. CHUD stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. (or does it?) CHUD is really just the dude's nickname. It's another one of those wacky government programs that no one really understands. (LINK)
Other things CHUD could stand for:
Champion Humping Underwear Dragon
Cornbread Ham Umpire Dump (For the Dirty South)
Celestial Hungry Universal Deity (AKA Galactus)
Coprophagical Hunk of Ugly Diapers
Chubby Hump of Unusual Density
Crumbs Hate Uneaten Dessert
Chaste Hooker Usurps Destiny
Creepy Horrible Underground Drug
Cram Halen Up Dicks
Corn Hooch Under Ditch
Children Hitching Up Datsuns (For the Really Dirty South)
Cunt Has Undone Dude
Cold Hard Unsexy Death
Coop Holding Undead Diamondbacks
Cradle Heats Unknown Demon.
Crazy Hermit Unearths Divinity
Crap Hat Ukelele Duck
And now for something completely awesome.
It's...
Killing Summer: Comedy & Music @B-Creek
-Comedy-
-Comedy-
Youth Gone Wild
All over the world, young comedians are going crazy. They are putting together some of the edgiest, weirdest and best stuff in comedy today. Here are two great ones. Youngbloods, I salute you!
Beings Worthy of Respect
If you are a stale piece of mayo toast that only likes clean jokes, later days. According to some guy named Chuck or "Smart Charlie", "There exist only 3 beings worthy of respect: The Priest, The Soldier, and The Poet. To know, to kill, to create." One who creates comedy must be all 3. These insane young ladies and dudes never ever pull a punch. They are smart, and deftly parody crap culture and ignorance in their short, yet extremely well-produced shorts. They go for impact, and they get it. They also have a killer tech crew. The way their sketches are put together and shot are top notch. The talent is extremely well cast too. Next time you have 5 minutes, scope out the Beings' channel on YouTube (LINK). I can't wait to see where they go next. These wonderful maniacs are just getting started...
Space Frogs
Hallo Weltraum Frösche! Ich grüße euch aus den künstlichen Sümpfen von Colorado. Ihre Videos sind genial. Original und lustiges as fuck. Ich frage mich, wenn euch englischen Untertiteln hinzufügen könnte. Selbst wenn nicht, werde ich weiterhin Ihre lustigen Videos anzuschauen. Keep up the great work. (Verzeihen Sie Fehler in der Übersetzung. Meine deutsche Grammatik ist schrecklich. Schrieb ich diese ganze Sache auf Google Übersetzer und bin skeptisch davon Genauigkeit.) Danke für den Lacher. Kann nicht warten, um mehr zu sehen.
My German sucks. I had to Google Translate some shit. I definitely am not smart enough to correctly read aloud the above paragraph. (Unless maybe if it was taught to me by hot German chicks in bikinis who spoke both.) The Space Frogs' videos are a riot. You can re-watch some of them over and over and still laugh every time. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. I am pretty sure they are from Berlin, or they formed there. Again, my German sucks. Space Frogs Channel on YouTube gives you a lot to choose from. Baby, it'll blow your mind. (LINK)
If you are a stale piece of mayo toast that only likes clean jokes, later days. According to some guy named Chuck or "Smart Charlie", "There exist only 3 beings worthy of respect: The Priest, The Soldier, and The Poet. To know, to kill, to create." One who creates comedy must be all 3. These insane young ladies and dudes never ever pull a punch. They are smart, and deftly parody crap culture and ignorance in their short, yet extremely well-produced shorts. They go for impact, and they get it. They also have a killer tech crew. The way their sketches are put together and shot are top notch. The talent is extremely well cast too. Next time you have 5 minutes, scope out the Beings' channel on YouTube (LINK). I can't wait to see where they go next. These wonderful maniacs are just getting started...
Hallo Weltraum Frösche! Ich grüße euch aus den künstlichen Sümpfen von Colorado. Ihre Videos sind genial. Original und lustiges as fuck. Ich frage mich, wenn euch englischen Untertiteln hinzufügen könnte. Selbst wenn nicht, werde ich weiterhin Ihre lustigen Videos anzuschauen. Keep up the great work. (Verzeihen Sie Fehler in der Übersetzung. Meine deutsche Grammatik ist schrecklich. Schrieb ich diese ganze Sache auf Google Übersetzer und bin skeptisch davon Genauigkeit.) Danke für den Lacher. Kann nicht warten, um mehr zu sehen.
My German sucks. I had to Google Translate some shit. I definitely am not smart enough to correctly read aloud the above paragraph. (Unless maybe if it was taught to me by hot German chicks in bikinis who spoke both.) The Space Frogs' videos are a riot. You can re-watch some of them over and over and still laugh every time. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. I am pretty sure they are from Berlin, or they formed there. Again, my German sucks. Space Frogs Channel on YouTube gives you a lot to choose from. Baby, it'll blow your mind. (LINK)
Comedy Cutie Sexy Catfight
There's no real quarrel at all between these hilarious hotties. I just made that title to get your attention. Most of the fighting styles are made up too. I would assume these 3 beautiful women are actually probably all friends in real life. Cute friends who always kiss and make up after a wacky yet erotic catfight? Hmm.... (Again, I'm assuming.) Here are 3 of our planet's cutest, funniest ladysouls...
Maria Bamford
Fighting Style: Tiger Claw, Leopard Mom Style. Like a lone Tigress of laughter, Maria Bamford rules the comedy jungles of L.A. She rules in the shadows and works hard doing shows all the time. This year, Maria starred in many episodes of the new, revived, 2001-style monolith of wit, Arrested Development. Maria's channel on YouTube has tons of material. (LINK) Her Ask My Mom series (LINK) is tear-inducing hilarity. She may just be the funniest woman in the whole world. Very easy on the eyes too.
Sarah Silverman
Fighting Style: Flaming Phoenix, Smoking Shadow. Within the wild ninja wolfpack that is the world of truly edgy comedy, Sarah Silverman runs free. She is as comfortable with them, as she would be in the elegant trappings of high-class luxury, if she gave a fuck about that shit. Sarah is a Founding Mother in the YouTube Comedy Superteam JASH. (LINK) Very down with the Earth, the world needs more honesty like hers. Plus she is smoking hot and kind to animals. How about a Wonder Woman sketch, Sarah? Please. (LINK)
Natasha Leggero
Natasha Leggero
Fighting Style: Eagle Claw, Northern Fox Style. It would be so cool to see her do real or imaginary Kung Fu in some satin gloves, wouldn't it? Hey, wait a minute...Isn't that my childhood dream-wife Susanna Hoffs from the Bengals? No, it's Natasha Leggero, the beautiful BUH baby. (LINK) Natasha's a hot, wild, brutal she-comic who just launched her own YouTube Channel. The channel will debut her new show this fall. You all know that your "acorn's on wet" for her new tub series, Tubbin' With Tash. Looks like one hell of a fucking party to me. October 2nd. It begins. (LINK)
I love these ladies! I love kissing their asses online. You will love them too. Check 'em out...
like you weren't already.
I love these ladies! I love kissing their asses online. You will love them too. Check 'em out...
like you weren't already.
-Music-
 |
| Bill Sienkiewicz @ billsienkiewiczart.com |
My Top 5 Listenin' Albums
Like anyone should give a fuck. Here are my most replayed albums of Summer 2013.
1- RZA, Digital Bullet.
2- Black Sabbath, 13.
3- DEVO, Recombo DNA.
4- Agent Orange, Living in Darkness.
5- Jan Hammer, Miami Vice Soundtrack.
All right then.
1- RZA, Digital Bullet.
2- Black Sabbath, 13.
3- DEVO, Recombo DNA.
4- Agent Orange, Living in Darkness.
5- Jan Hammer, Miami Vice Soundtrack.
All right then.
Bloggy Creek Time Travel Concert Series (In the Park!!)
Ever wish you could go back in time to see your favorite band when they were still all alive, or successful yet hungry enough to push their own, more youthful limits on stage? There's this won spot here in the Creek where time bends out of time. You could think of it as a Hot Springs Time Machine. If you go there, you can go ass backwards in time/space. You have to enter in where/when you want to go into the Time CircuitsTM (*not included) before you jump into the time humper. Here are some ultimate coordinates you could enter for optimum music time visions:
DEVO: Parts Unknown. 1980. WWDEVOD?
(LINK)
The Police: (Audio Only) The Paladium, NY, NY USA 11/29/1979 WWPDD?
Ever wish you could go back in time to see your favorite band when they were still all alive, or successful yet hungry enough to push their own, more youthful limits on stage? There's this won spot here in the Creek where time bends out of time. You could think of it as a Hot Springs Time Machine. If you go there, you can go ass backwards in time/space. You have to enter in where/when you want to go into the Time CircuitsTM (*not included) before you jump into the time humper. Here are some ultimate coordinates you could enter for optimum music time visions:
(LINK)
(LINK)
(LINK)
 |
| Derek Riggs @ derekriggs.com |
(LINK)
Look, just watch these, OK?
Tales From The Creek
"It's an American Heavy Metal Weekend!" If you're up in the highlands, it's already cold enough at night to have bonfires. Here, below the foothills it's been hot as fuck. Are you biting your nails in suspense yet? Of course not. The point is, tell stories around a big fire. Possibly behind a Wal-Mart somewhere:
The Tale of the Wal-Mart Tard Boy
One hot dry afternoon, I was at Wal Mart in the checkout line out in the garden center. I couldn't be sure if the lad ringin' folks up had a disorder of some kind or if he was just dumb as a muddy sack o' musket balls. He had quite the struggle with words. He seemed nervous, though, so maybe he wasn't no retard after all. I looked to the elderly cowboy behind me. He was holdin' in a laugh and looked down at the floor, with some humility. Nevertheless, I continued a-talkin to the poor lad. Was I being friendly to a tortured soul, or wasting my words on a mongoloid? And why was that old man behind me so quiet? Who is the bigger retard? The retard who suffers from the affliction himself, or the retard who wastes his words conversing with him?
...
And, of course, as promised, here are some Tits for lookin' at.
 |
| Guess who's Tits these are and WIN! |
Not really. I hate that song. See you soon.
========================================================================
-2013 The Missing (LINK)
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