This is it for The Terrible Terror Toilet. Tomorrow morning, Jim Hotep's Discount Supernatural Salvage is hauling the old bowl away. From a safety perspective, it had to be replaced. For sanitary reasons over all. In the spot where the Terrible Terror Toilet once stood, now sits a marvel of modern technology. That's right. We got us one o' them fancy Japanese turlits, what squirts hot water 'cross yer ass crack at the end. Mmm-mm! This is to be The Terrible Terror Toilet's last showcase. Its legacy. It's a Toilet Theater Horrendous Halloween Horror Hoedown.
Welcome to the end.
A Terrible Trilogy of Toilet Terrors
This Terrible Terror Triple-decker Duke's Duty is how we will bequeath memorialization unto The Terrible Terror Toilet. This entire post, in plaque form, will be mounted on the wall above the sink in the unisex/handicapped restroom next to the secondary snack bar in Toilet Theaters West. It was a really terrible toilet. It won't be missed. I'm just so bad with goodbyes…
-Part The 1st-
-Part The 1st-
HALL OF INTESTINAL INFAMY: More Legendary Logs
The Following Horror Film Series are hereby inducted into the Hall of Intestinal Infamy. They are the finest of film fodder. True Fartwork. In series form. Presented for the first time here with All-New Turdy Taglines! Look Ma, no LINKS!
Children Of The Corn Series
Issac Craps Corn & I Don't Care.
Out-LANDERRRRR!! The Outlander is a vehicle enjoyed by many awesome Colorado lesbians. It is also what the dude who got his house shit on by Patrick Dempsey calls people what ain't from his down-home, incest-family cornfield. The dude is rad character actor Courtney Gains, who more recently had cameos in Rob Zombie's Halloween and Rockstar Games' L.A. Noir. The One Who Walks Behind The Rows decides who is chosen and who is too corny. Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton star as the uncool-yet-hapless couple on the run from that weird little boy-man, Issac (John Franklin) and his army of ritualistic, corn-fed murderous bumpkin munchkins. Issac was judged. He was too corny. That's just the 1st one. (1984)
To date, there are 9 Children of the Corn movies. 9. In the 2nd one, (1993) every one who played a victim in it is also an early 90s fashion victim. They are all also emotionally handicapped according to their "performances" in this crack corn crap cracker of a movie. The Neo-lookin' twerp with the black hair and the nostrils wasn't nearly as creepy or funny as Issac was in the 1st one. Yet Children of the Corn 2: The (far from) Final Sacrifice, is much funnier than its predecessor was. By COTC3, you really start to tire of the half-assed mythology used to constantly re-structure and resurrect a fantastic one-shot, short story by horror master, Stephen King for Penthouse Magazine in the Spring of 1977. Children of the Corn is part of King's short story collection, Night Shift, which also contains:
Salem's Lot
Graveyard Shift
The Lawnmower Man
Trucks
Sometimes They Come Back
The Mangler
Which are all a million times better read than seen.
Reading: It's Like Movies…For Your Head! Don't waste your time with corny children. Read today.
Ghoulies Series
Watch Yer Ass…It's Ghoulies!
The vapid mid-80's nihilism and sleazy satanic sexual predatory rage embodied in this hip honky-time-capsule are so cute today. Or are they? I find the entire cast (with the exception of a lovely young Mariska Hargitay ) pretty tough to look at. They're all just so barf. It's fun watching 'em get killed. My favorite Ghoulie is the Clown one with the squinty slime-eyes. (Played by Gilbert Gottfried's son, Gary) Of course, I am referring to the first Ghoulies movie (1985). There are 4.
In the second Ghoulies, (1988) the Ghoulies run amok at a haunted carnival. The Carnival runs on magic. So do Ghoulies. Yes, the Magic of electricity, spooking dim minds for thousands of years. Ghoulies 3 (1991) begins with the Ghoulies being conjured via toilet comic reading. It was Primus who first mused "Too Many Puppies." Ghoulies 3 muses "Too Many Ghoulies." Which it has. It also redefines the term "Belly Laugh." Much Partying, and Peeping Tomfoolery takes place as Ghoulies 3 is Ghoulies Go To College. Ghoulies 4, (1994) which considers itself to be the sexiest of all the Ghoulie Movies, brings a stylish yuppie edge to the series while maintaining a decadent S&M undertone. Why no tits? All this and toilet monsters too? A MIDI soundtrack? Labyrinth-style hi-jinks? This one really caps off the series nicely. It makes you say "Enough. Enough with the Ghoulies. Turn it off now, please."
Ghoulies is the ultimate in Toilet Sacrifice film series. Toilet Theater's lineup of Legendary Logs grows longer and stronger with the addition of the Ghoulies flicks. They will forever hold an honored, Hallowed place in The Hall. Ghoulies love toilets. Toilet Theater loves the Ghoulies.
Leprechaun Series
When Irish Brown-Eyes Are Smilin'
Warwick Davis is the greatest. He was also great as Willow in Willow, as Wicket in Return Of The Jedi, as Filius Flitwick in Harry Potter, and as himself in the hilarious Life's Too Short. If I have to pick a favorite out of this brilliant actor's works, I'm going Leprechaun every time.
Leprechaun (1993)
(This film features Reebok Pumps. Pump a dump-dump.) No one will believe you when you tell them a Leprechaun is after you. Plus Leprechaun can mimic any voice. He will trick your ass. Just don't fuck with his gold pot. Jennifer Anniston is a whiny 25 year old teenage asshole who stays with her shit-kicking hick father in a ruin of a stinky real estate blunder. They can't seem to keep their grubby want-claws off the Leprechaun's gold. Perhaps the Leprechaun, himself is a parody of cheapness as a stereotypical Irish trait. Good one. This movie also has Francis (AKA bad-ass character actor, Mark Holton) and Super Force's Ken Olandt. Can you watch ALL the Leprechaun movies back to back? Can you handle that many limericks? Take the Piss-Pot O' Gold Challenge and find out. If you dare…
Leprechaun 2 (1994)
Every time you think you've killed the Leprechaun, he comes back. I like to play Going The Distance by Bill Conti over the first few minutes of part 2. This is because, like Rocky, we all cheer for the Leprechaun. In Leprechaun 2 the wee, wicked wizard is out for a wife. In much the same way that Gary Oldman cross-chronologically seduced Winona Ryder in Dracula: New Nightmare (1992) so attempts the deadly Leprechaun. The object of his desire is some blonde waif. This sequel also stars Jack Klompus (AKA the late, great, hilarious Sandy Baron), Twin Peaks PD's receptionist, Kimmy Robertson, Ron's bro, Clint Howard, and a really cool dog. In the end, as usual, they think the little dude is dead. Paging Dr. Rumplestiltskin. Dr. Lazarus Rumplestiltskin.
Leprechaun 3 (1995)
Leprechaun in Vegas. Armed with Luck, Magic, a winning personality, and sadism, the Leprechaun takes a trip to Sin City with some help from the king of Ozploitation, Brian Trenchard-Smith. As soon as you see he's the director, you know you're in for something special. How does the Leprechaun get to Vegas, you ask? Obviously he is brought in statue form to a pawn shop. The statue comes to life and rips the ear off the pawn shop owner. They naturally become friends after that. Then the Leprechaun kills his one-eared pal. There is a mediocre magic special and gambling. Not only does this movie feature some state-of-the-art interactive porn, it also introduced the world to the idea of a Were-Leprechaun. This one also features the finest animated educational film about Leprechauns ever produced. A triumph.
Wait. Isn't New Orleans Sin City too? I've never been to Vegas, but if I go, I'm spending all my money going to comedy shows because magic sucks. Especially that Mind Freak guy. I want to see all the outtakes where people tell him to fuck off. Too bad Leprechaun didn't kill him. What a bag of shit.
(NOTE: Just so we're clear. Leprechaun is awesome. Comedy is awesome. Penn & Teller are awesome. Magic sucks. It's for chumps.)
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| ...Leprechaun? |
Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996)
This shit is all over the map. Aliens-type Aliens. Star Trek-type Aliens. Space Marines. Our hero the Leprechaun is caught in the middle of it all, as he plots to dominate The Universe. There's a dude with a huge fuckin metal plate in his head. Be wary of this bastard. If you get a phone call or even a text while in proximity to the plate, he will puke, shit, and run at full sprint. All at the same time, for about 30 seconds. It's a long 30 seconds. This movie shows an unfair stereotype of Space Marines. Contrary to the sleazy, disgusting, soused pig cunts who depict them in this Green Pile, actual Space Marines are very polite, intelligent and hard-working men and women. Don't be fooled by this outrageously biased, bullshit portrayal. Once the metal plate dude starts lip-syncing in drag, all bets are off. Forget it.
Leprechaun 5: In Tha Hood (2000)
To be fair, this is really a movie about a flute. The Wonderful Hip Hop Flute. With this flute, one may rule the Hood because one who holds the flute makes the business their bitch. You know all them gangsters scared. They run back up the fuckin' block when they see that Lil' Beast creepin' up. Plus can't nobody fuck wit Iced-Tea anyways because cat's got one them old-style phones on the desk, son. Another example of why Christian Hip-Hop sucks. Alternately, a limerick is like an Irish rap.
Leprechaun in the Hood is some crap.
I think he smoked weed laced with crack.
Iced-Tea gets freaked out.
He shrieks and he shouts.
All he wants is his fuckin' flute back.
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| Stick around for Leprechaun's Music Video during part 5's credits!! |
Leprechaun 6: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003)
Ok. We get it. Leprechaun smokes weed. Very funny. Besides rendering an extremely inaccurate portrait of ghetto life, Leprechaun 6 also features the world's 1st cinematic murder by bong. Bongicide…there's yer movie. Anyway, probably the 2 best things about this movie were the 2 hot black chicks who fight over some biker dude who is my new idol. Unfortunately, no nude boobs were shown. Also unfortunately, Warwick Davis was barely in this one and Iced-Tea didn't come back to life for this shit either. There is talk of a 7th Leprechaun movie. Let's hope they bring him back to basics for it. What a great character. What a great film series. Thanks, little dude.-Part The 2nd-
Classic Creatures as Convoluted Crap
Each Convoluted Crap Creature comes with a free Master Monster Mini-Memorial.
Dracula 3000 (2004)
Because Dracula 2000 wasn't 2000 enough. The opening sequence reminds me of those fake news-from-the-future bits the Onion does. Only in Dracula 3000, they're serious. It is full of shit. To quote the stammering, stumbling narration of the crappy lead in Dracula 3000: "There are lots of floaters in that system." He is referring to the "Carpathian System" where Space Station Dracula is fully staffed. There's Zeus from WWF fame AKA Deebo AKA President Lindberg AKA Tiny AKA Tony Lister. There's song parody hater, and wannabe Wesley Snipes, Coolio. He becomes a vampire with red eyes, because he thinks merely cursing and smoking weed makes him "cool" again. It doesn't. Sorry, Coolio. You don't scare anyone. Not even as a jive-ass space vampire. There's the corn-pone country pussy of that chick who was in the Beverly Hillbillies movie. Not every movie that sets out to be John Carpenter's Vampires and Ghosts of Mars at the same time is a success. This is no exception.
Danger! Will Robinson. WARNING: Most Vampire movies suck. Especially Dracula 3000: Infinite Dumbness.
(LINK)
(LINK)
R.I.P. Bela Lugosi 1882-1956
Lady Frankenstein (1971)
At last. Somewhat artistic female nudity. Viva Italia! Viva Corman! Frankensteinina Vendetta! This was one from Corman's Cornball Cornucopia Maize of Movies. An accurate title/synopsis could be Dr. Frankenstein's Daughter's Monster's Revenge. The Monster's noggin is truly something to behold. Not since The Manster (1959), have I seen such a crappy creature cranium. When the sauce on your eye seems like sauce from pizza pie…that's Monstori. Monstori & Rossi Asti Spumante. Lady Frankenstein is the modern kind of European gal, who will fart in the bathtub water, laugh if you get pissed, and then start blowing you to calm you down. What a lady. Of course, in 1971, you might've had a vast black forest to traverse before arriving at her "Promised Land." (LINK)
R.I.P. Elsa Lanchester 1902-1986
Moon Of The Wolf (1972)
This flick is like the older, less successful, werewolf brother of Salem's Lot. Probably the most memorable part of this movie is when the Werewolf finally shows up. You see that depiction on the poster above? That's dead on. It's like a Muppet Man who never was. We should all be glad he never was. Things are bleaker than The Sopranos in the Muppet Mafia. I heard Rolf was the cousin of this Moon of the Wolf guy. He had to put the old Muppet Man down himself. Gruesome shit. (LINK)
R.I.P. Lon Chaney Jr. 1906-1973
Mummy Maniac (2007)
This movie looks like humiliation porn, but it isn't. It was just made like shit. The first mistake was letting your girlfriend's little brother be your cameraman. Your second mistake was mixing the audio yourself. Your third mistake was everything you did that led to the creation of Mummy Maniac. This film's maker, Max Nikoff, IS a sound guy, so the fact that the sound on his movie blows anus is all the more pathetic. I think the people who made and "starred" in this shit squirt of a movie have more issues than the serial killer it's based on. Not because they are scary or dangerous at all, but because they actually had to watch back and edit all that shit they shot and they were too deluded to see that what they made, fucking sucked. That's right, this movie isn't even about a Mummy at all. Don't even bother with this. It will make you want to punch stuff. UNFUCKINGWATCHABLE!! (LINK)
R.I.P. Boris Karloff 1887-1969
Hollow Man (2000)
In Hollow Man, Kevin Bacon is Hollow Man. Hollow Man is what the Invisible Man would've been if he sucked. The special effects were considered excellent for their time. Unfortunately, Hollow Man is just more proof that great effects can only diaper a shitty script so far. The only saving grace in this sci-fi/horror crack's blast is Elizabeth Shue. She's the best. When I was a kid and teen I had mad chubs for Shue. She also played Daniel-Son's girlfriend in Karate Kid 1, and was the babysitter in Adventures in Babysitting. Both of which are fine vintage 80s cheeses. In fact, just skip Hollow Man and watch one of those movies, instead. Hollow Man huffs farts. (LINK)
R.I.P. Claude Rains 1889-1967
Octaman (1971)
"A half-man, half-sea-serpent, with many arms." That's what some coffee bean farmers say about Octaman. Nothing in this movie is worth seeing until the full monster shows up. When he does, it's epic. As is every second of film the beast appears in. Rather than write about how funky, hilarious and cool-looking the Octaman is, I will give you a thousand words.
Octaman can be found online. Watch and be merry. (LINK)
R.I.P. Ben Chapman III 1925-2008
-Part The 3rd-
Haloween III: The WTF Witches (1982)
What the fuck? This is the worst movie in the whole Halloween Universe. What do I mean by "What the fuck?"
What the fuck like why is Kid Rock in the Band Called Death documentary?
What the fuck like some dipshits actually think Spongebob is gay?
What the fuck like why is that cat flipping out like that?
What the fuck like is that cat tripping?
What the fuck like who the fuck is this Piers Morgan?
What the fuck like you know Diddy killed Biggy.
Tommy Lee Wallace. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you completely erase a character mythos that was cool, and a proven box office success formula? Did you consider Season of the Witch an artistic leap? What was your artistic process? Did you take acid and cocaine before punching some halloween masks into a pumpkin hole? You really stuffed those masks in there. Change can be bad. What in the fucking fuck were you thinking, Tommy Lee?
What the fuck like anyone needs a goddamn watch anymore.
What the fuck like corn is in EVERYTHING!
What the fuck like why aren't there any Ramones Halloween or Holiday Animated Specials?
What the fuck like why do stoners pretend to plan shit?
What the fuck like how come Wayne & Garth don't bury the fucking hatchet, already?
What the fuck like John Wayne WAS a Nazi.
What the fuck are the robots for? To replace the kids when the masks chop off the kids' heads? What for? Why? Does the mad scientist in charge or Silver Shamrock Inc hate kids that much? It's a big corporation, right? No one who works there has kids? Not one guy on the fucking Silver Shamrock board of directors had a kid? None? Nope. No way. No fucking way. Calling bullshit on the whole operation. Would not happen. Could not happen. Is bullshit. Called. What a bad fucking idea. If this movie was a man, I would kick his face.
What the fuck like who is Alec Baldwin to know what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
What the fuck like Linda Hamilton's boobs in Terminator.
What the fuck like Dog the B-Hunter and his fat wife fucking & smoking stolen meth.
What the fuck like one of David Carradine's Kung-Fu-themed, coke/choke-fuck parties.
What the fuck like what ever happened to Jesse Pinkman?
What the fuck like Halloween 3 sucks and is stupid.
(LINK)
Happy Halloween to all, and to all a good fright.
The Terror Toilet will go gentle into that good night.
Toilet Theater will continue screening movies that bite.
(Not Vampire ones.)
Ah-ight.
End.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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