84 Toilet Theater: The Terrible Terror Toilet

It's beginning to look a lot like Samhain. Welcome to a month-long scary movie shit-fest here at Toilet Theater. Time to scrape clean the outhouses of the occult, to dig up the disembowled demon doo dumpsites. There are enough horrendous plop-heaps of horror out here for me to go on with this forever. Fortunately, (for you, me, and my mind) Halloween comes but once a year. I shall endure, nay, slay these brown snakes of so-called spookiness. I will fight in the hills…the Haunted Poo Hills…I will never surrender. For All Hallow's Eve! For Lady Samhain!

To Halloween: A sugar rush for the love of fear! HO!

(You may now put on your special funky glasses which will allow you to see the 13 lingering-fart-ghosts of this Horrible Haunted Toilet...Not much to look at, are they? Take spf glasses off.)

And now...

The Terrible Terror Toilet 1

Horseshit Haunted Hell House Hunt 

Let us set afire an unholy bag of crap on the front step of the House of Flusher, we will brutally egg The House That Shit Blood, tip over the Amityville Port-O-Pottys, TP The Overlook, and smash Tim Burton, Billy Corgan and Dr. Phibes' Pumpkins on our way down the slippery shit-slopes of Haunted Hill. If the cops come, we can break into that one weird place and hide out with The Pee-n-Poo Under the Stairs. Here's some crappy movies about crappy real estate. Watch and hate. 

House (1986)

Not to be confused with the unlikeable TV doc. Can you decide what this movie wants to be? It can't. Horror? Comedy? War Story? When the dude who moved into House was unfeasibly in 'Nam, he got real messed up. No, not from the horrors of war, it was Bull. See, Bull from Night Court was in the House owner's 'Nam-squad back in that particular day. This one time, Bull hid a tiny snake in the House guy's survival tin as a prank. That prank messed the House dude up so bad, he went crazy. Now he sees all kinds of puppets and shit in his House. Some lady he babysits for (whom he barely knows) thinks nothing of him coming out of the bathroom with her toddler son in tears?? Norm from Cheers lives next door. It sounds cool, but it's the sober Norm. Not as fun. By the end of this movie you may learn to hate the song "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt. Don't make that mistake. Despite its title, "You're No Good" is in fact very good, and should've never been associated with this House. It's House that's no good. Baby, it's no good. (LINK)

House II: The 2nd Story (1987)

Still no good. There are 4 House movies. There's no way I'm watching all 4. This ends here. On the 2nd story: More puppets. Cliff Clavin. The dude from Ellen. Young Billy Maher. A Crappy Party. An Undead Cowboy Buddy. Unexplained Cartoony Dinosaur Shit. If you really want to have fun, play House and House II back to back at double speed, mute them and play house music over them. You can if you want. As for me, that's all the House I can stand for one lifetime. Dueces, Houses. (LINK)

Amityville Dollhouse (1996)

The nightmare sequences in this fecal film are the greatest things you'll ever see. While the original Amityville Horror was about a purportedly haunted Long Island house, Amityville Dollhouse is about a crappy haunted shed. It's also about a haunted dollhouse, a haunted fireplace, a haunted housefly, a haunted mouse, and a haunted McMansion. The McMansion was built by Bob the Builder's disappointment of a sleaze bag of a brother, Bill. Not much to say about Bill or his family. He might just be the worst electrician/HVAC guy who ever lived. There's no way that fuckin' fireplace is up to code, neither. The Amityville Dollhouse is a house of jerks. There's the science jerk, the prep/jock jerk, the biker jerk, the re-gifting Dad jerk, and a bunch of creepy doll jerks. Look out, Ye Amish Fools! Those dolls have eyes. Maybe that could be another Hills Have Eyes sequel. Sometimes you think the hills have eyes, but actually, the hills have thighs. That because it isn't hills at all. It's someone's ass cheeks which they have glued little goggly eyes onto. Watching Amityville Dollhouse is a lot like watching someone jiggle their googly-eyed ass cheeks in your face for 96 minutes. Big Bad Voodoo Housey. Really, it was a combination of half-assed craftsmanship, and haunting. And who's going to be the one to tell that little poindexter that his Mom is a weird slut? Not me. Owning a place in the REAL Amityville would be awesome. You'd be rich. On the real house, the windows don't look like eyes anymore. Wink Wink. Nudge Nudge. Say no more. (LINK)

  

The Hole (2009)

The Hole is an unwatchable dark black shit of a flick about a hole in a house. Stink Hole. Gas Hole. Poo Hole. I'm talking about the acting mouth of the male teen lead in this movie. He's the worst actor that ever lived. Not just the children are shit actors in this one. The adult thespians are equally incompetent, stiff and unnatural on camera. In The Hole, two honky brothers move into a new house with their single Ma. Their house is the one with the anus under it. At one point the older brother tells his younger brother not to read so much because his science knowledge makes him sound like a nerd. "Don't say so many intelligent words. You sound just like some kinda smart nerd." What a shitty big bro. His character will probably grow up to be a terrible bitch. The kind of guy you could run over with your car and be OK with. "Ah, he was probably an asshole anyway." So you just keep driving. You move on with your life. Hopefully, you're never caught, and you never see The Hole. Uh. (LINK)
  

Tower of Terror (1997)

The Late 1990s. Swing revival or Ska revival? Which was the more shit-stained Satan? Who makes Steve Guttenburg a star? We doo. Apparently, America really loved that whiny nasal droning he brings to every masterpiece he's in. Personally, the guy makes me shit out my eyes. I'm more a Johnny 5 fan. In Tower of Terror, Steve moves into the Tower with his niece Kirsten Dunst. Weird. Terrible. Ghosts live in the Tower. The ghosts also suck. There's a lady from Walker: Texas Ranger and the guy who used his Birthday wish against Kramer on Seinfeld too. Tower of Terror is what all movies would be like if the Nazis had won. This movie is based off a ride at Disney MGM Studios, so at 89 minutes, it's about an hour and 25 minutes too long. This ride will hurt your mind and ears. Some of the acting will make you willfully poop your pants out of pure anger. Look kids, don't be like me. Don't watch bad movies and then take it out on your poor, innocent pants. Stay in school, be safe on Halloween, and never, NEVER watch Disney's Tower of Terror. Not because it's too scary, because it is infuriating, and will make you dumb. (LINK)

Superstition (1982)

Why watch this movie? Is a fake head blowing up in a microwave enough incentive? How about a ghostly circular saw blade that buzzes its way through an old priest? They say that when one shops for a house: "Location. Location. Location." I think that means that it's important to buy a house in a neighborhood you like. According to Superstition, a neighborhood where a witch was drowned nearby is no good. Personally, I wouldn't mind it. I've lived in some pretty crappy neighborhoods in my life. Why be picky now? So a witch was drowned there. So what? It was a really really long time ago. At least there's a nice lake to swim in. A sturdy, well-maintained country road. Even if the house was a dump, I'd say the neighborhood is great. Plus maybe one night you're out in the lake and the witch ghost decides to get all sexy with you like that bathtub lady in The Shining. Oh, wait. Never mind. Location. Location. Location. (LINK) 

Join me again next time as we flush more scarily stupid movies down to Video Hell.
Same bat outta hell time.
Same bat outta hell channel.

-2013 Wielgorecki

83 The Dynamic Half-Dozen

Happy Friday the 13th, Bloggy Creek Campers!

Sometimes when you watch certain TV shows, you walk away from the screen feeling, empty and used. Like a hungry lab rat in some executive's attempt to pinpoint a demographic. Sometimes though, you walk away from a media experience fulfilled. A more meta, meta-monkey. You laugh or learn or both and it's fun or extremely engaging to watch. In the not-to-distant past, there have been many great shows. Well, maybe not so many. Some. Why would anyone ever want my opinion on any of these fine programs? Maybe they are looking for a lunatic fringe perspective? Maybe they are just smarter or crazier than I am? I don't know. Here's a nice box of 6 delicious TV doughnuts you will want your sweet, sweet, succulent brain to eat.

Comedy Bang! Bang! - The 2nd Seasoning

Scott and Reggie returned to IFC with their 2nd season of Comedy Bang! Bang! this July. It is the greatest and only surrealist-style talk show since Space Ghost, but it is much funnier and very different. Scott Aukerman is the show's creator, host, and Voltron-head of the always awesome VPN Station, Earwolf. Reggie Watts is Scott's co-pilot, and the show's one-man-bandleader. His spontaneous musical humor is as astounding as it is delightful. This show is an unpredictable one, yet inventively hilarious. It is extremely difficult to describe this show accurately, as it seems to be constantly changing. It evolves and advances comedy through it's creative, improv and sketch-based insanity. By the end of each episode I am baffled, enlightened and have laughed myself to tears. No other show does what Comedy Bang! Bang! does. No show ever will. It is truly one of a kind entertainment. Watch Comedy Bang! Bang! on IFC Fridays @ 10EST. You can also watch all of Season 1 on Netflix and buy new episodes from Amazon. If you love Comedy, Art and to voyeur on their hilarious hook-ups, you'll love this show! Comedy? You like? HA-HA. Bang! Bang! Best of the box.

Walt & Dex: Finite Infamy

A man can learn to live with his actions. But, can he live with himself? Both Walter and Dexter are fantastic examples of character studies in villainy. Rather than talk about their shows, (as the rest of the internet is surely doing) I will focus only on Walter and Dexter. These two characters have captivated millions worldwide with their respective ferocious yet intelligent evil pathos. We all love a tale of a man on the edge. We love it even more when we get to see him go over. In both Dexter and Breaking Bad, this happens constantly. They have successfully brought back the true cliffhanger ending. The kind where you always give a serious shit about what's next…

Walter White

To bear witness to the story of Walter White, is to see a man's morality devolve until it dissolves. It combines elements of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, with a modern day spaghetti-westernesque backdrop. Walt, through intent or circumstance, answers questions many of us hope we'll never come across in life: Can I kill? How shall I kill? Do I have to clean up the kill? How will I clean up the kill? Who lives? Who dies? How much money is enough? How many will have to die so I can keep it? Things only total assholes think about in real life. Somehow, Walt isn't an asshole though. We like Walt. We even root for him when we know what he's doing is crazy wrong. Why? He's our man over the edge. He's impressive. We admire his intelligence and ever-swelling "fuck you" attitude. We admire his fight with cancer. We admire how he outsmarts and destroys his enemies. We love the intensity. I will admit watching the fall of Walter White has captivated me. If you're like me and many, many millions of others, you will watch Walt's fall until the very end. Then find someone who hasn't seen it and watch Walt's fall again.

Dexter Morgan

Vigilantism. It can be construed as good or ill. In the real world, vigilantism is a crime punishable by imprisonment. In the world of Dexter Morgan's Miami, vigilantism is the selective killing of human predators. The story of how Dexter became a psychotic serial killer is too long for me to write out here and would have to contain an unreal amount of spoilage for those who've never seen it. Let's just say it involves intense trauma. Dexter didn't become a serial killer on his own either. He was taught. He learned that he should only kill those who meet a special checklist. It is when Dexter begins to bend his own rules that things become very interesting. At times, he will come mentally undone and always seems to be a gnat's nut away from being exposed for the killer he is. We root for Dexter as we root for Walt. We don't want him caught. We don't want the killing to end. We, his bloodthirsty audience, are responsible for Dex's success. As a classic, crazy-ass character he will live on long beyond his final season. The creepiest vigilante of all time.

Todd Margaret: The Ha-Ha Spiral

While we're on the subject of great characters on a downward spiral, let's talk about Todd Margaret. David Cross's cross-pond comedy-tragedy tells the tale of hapless boob, Todd Margaret. (Played ingeniously by Cross.) The full title of the show is The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. It's another killer comedy show from the IFC channel. I'm not sure, but I think this may end with ol' Todd ending our world as we know it. As we watch Todd make his Increasingly Poor Decisions, we laugh our respective American asses and British bums off. It's a fish out of water story. Like King Ralph, except consistently funny. With talents like Cross, Will Arnett, and Spike Jonze in the mix, this show has great acting and characters all of whom Todd Margaret manages to piss off or ruin in some way. The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret Seasons 1 & 2 are on Netflix. Still not got your Cross-fix? Watch the old-new Arrested Development, Scary Movie 2 or the pragmatic, super-dark, end-of-days comedy, It's A Disaster. They're all on there too. Go watch 'em. All of 'em. If you don't, Thunder Chicken will "punch you back up your Mama's pussy."

      

Jeremy Brett: The Only Sherlock

This is the only non-new show in this box of imaginary TV donuts. Think of it as a classic doughnut like a blueberry or chocolate cake. I know I've thrown around some snappy snark in this blog before about British-made, American Super Heroes. I may have been too vague about it then, so let's clear that shit up right now. Anglo-Superman sucked despite its effective effects. It tried too hard to be an American Superman and it failed. The Chris Nolan Bat-series was pretty. It also lacked good storytelling. It got less and less interesting to see Christian Bale become a parody of himself in each sequel too. After all was said and done, the trilogy, as a whole, shit the bed. Now, finally, there's an American Batman, but who cares? It's still the same dumb crab-boat-Superman-universe. Which brings us to American Sherlock Holmes. RDJ is a great actor, but those new Sherlock Holmes movies weren't so great. Whenever I think of RDJ, I think of his coked-out, one-shot, wall-walk in Less Than Zero. So awesome. So real. He's also rad as Tony Stark. I just can't see him as Sherlock, but I was spoiled…

I first saw the BBC Sherlock Holmes teleplays starring Jeremy Brett, as a kid. Although I had read all of Doyle's stories, and enjoyed several of the Basil Rathbone Sherlock movies, it didn't matter. Once you see Jeremy Brett do Sherlock, you know you'll never see it done better. His performance in these series is legendary as is his acting ability. He brings an eccentricity to the character that both Rathbone and Downey Jr. just can't touch. These used to be on Netflix. What the fuck? They were taken off to make way for the new BBC Sherlock show. I don't know or care who the talented young actor who plays Sherlock Holmes now is. I can guarantee you, he's no Jeremy Brett.

Tron: Rose Up

If you speak Cyberpunk, you already know. Tron rose from the alleys behind the New Rose Hotel where the sleek Molly Millions once spat her ninja tears. Tron came from the Aeon Egon Underground in the tunnels beneath Tyrell's Tower. It was born in even darker places, like the foxholes in Robert's Stone Brain. If you don't speak Cyberpunk, welcome to the Grid. The original, original Matrix. Tron: Uprising builds upon the already fascinating foundation of the current Tron Universe. If you liked the recent (2010) film, you may enjoy the show. The character design is unique and highly stylized. It seems to be modeled slightly after Aeon Flux, an animated short/show who's art anatomically paid homage to the figure paintings/drawings of Austrian Expressionist, Egon Schiele. Tron's characters are created along similar lines, but can move as Schiele could only have dreamed. It would be cool to go back in time and show Egon an episode of Aeon or Tron: Uprising. Maybe his brain would explode. Maybe he would laugh his ass off. My point is Tron: Uprising is one of the very few beautiful and beautifully written animated shows for kids. It's something parents can enjoy with their kids and it's really fucking cool-looking. It's so fun to watch, while you're watching, you may just forgive or forget that Disney made it.

Well, I gotta go. Time to make the donuts, as they say. Sure, maybe there are other shows worth watching. Maybe after you watch The Dynamic Half-Dozen, you can find the others. 

 -2013 Wielgorecki

82 Summer Media Melee 2: Clash of the Tits - Brutal Edition

So? Summer is as dead as that cancer girl from The Informers. But there's still one more blowout before that last orange golden shower of sunlight sets into the filthy sweet summer water. Let us ride the last gust. Come floatin' in on that Frank Sinatra death fart. Come one, come all...

Unless you are beyond dumb, there is always a clear cut line between creativity and soulless sugar sap. I choose to cut these lines to my own choosing and then display my bastard-vision collage of what I see. Summer Media Melee last year, was pretty cut and dry. (Post 4: LINK) This time, there are a shitload more fighters on the card, it isn't really a fight, and the fate of the world, is just that. Fate. Fate is fake. Fuck the world. Here are some who DO, and some who're doo. We'll start with the latter. That's not brownie batter...

TOILET THEATER PRESENTS...

Little Shit Children's Poo Poo Corner

Ever wish your kids would just sit down and shut their little shit mouths for a while? That's why slapping and videos were invented. This same hitting, and screens that display images are really good at shutting adults up, too. Here's 2 movies made of ooey-gooey baby shit that should both be no fun for the whole Family!

Munchie (1992)
Hey! That kid made that exact same face on some video game ad, didn't he? Jeez, kid. Get a new face. None of the kids in this were any good, because they sucked at acting. One became an "it girl" in the latter-day 1990s when her boobs came in. The others' stories are probably much darker...and Loni Anderson as The Joker, disguised as a blonde lady. Munchie is one of those freeloading aliens like ET, Mac & Me, or that Paul. But hey, at least he's not that pastel jelly-bean shitting abomination from Hop, or Marky Mark's potty-talkin teddy bear breakdown. The only real actor in this is the late, great Dom DeLuise as the voice of the titular character. The titular character is Munchie, by the way. Munchie's lips have a real tough time getting around the words he says on time. Can you guess what his favorite food is? If you can't, you might be one chromosome shy of a six pack. Ay, kid? Ya get me? Huh? Get it? Ya hear me? (It doesn't.) (LINK)

Great moments in Munchie
00:25:30 - 00:26:24 "Ima gonna killa that a-Pizza Pie!!"
00:28:44 - 00:29:01 "Creepy Asleepy"
00:56:07 - 00:57:18 "Trouble Mouth"
01:02:53 - 01:03:39 "The Wrong Party"

Guess what else? There's a sequel. (LINK)

Goobers AKA Mystery Monsters (1997)
Oh man. Is this OK for kids? The original PCP directed this one (Poo-Cinema Puppetmaster), Charles Band. They didn't call it Full Moon Productions for nothing. Goobers is like a big goober made up of a lot of pre-existing goobers stuck together. (Exactly how I'm sure some see my work.) As if the world of kid acting wasn't scary enough. Goobers takes a world that is bad, and makes it worse. How? By not giving a hoot about itself. Not even for one second. In the end, the moral of the story is: If you become a child actor, you might get the crabs. This "children's" movie works much better as riffable comedy for adults. As long as the adults are heavily inebriated. Don't just eat Goobers while watching Goobers. Chocolate and peanuts alone wont do the trick. Pop a goofball or 2. Otherwise, I can't possibly recommend watching Goobers.

Now get your kids the fuck out of here. It's time for...

TTP HALL OF INTESTINAL INFAMY

Legendary Logs

It is a rare privilage. The Royale Dukes who's poopy portraits hang in this Museum of Cinematic Squat Hash are the few, the proud, the brown submarines. The movies here have been humorously reviewed and riffed by thousands to be certain. They endure, and are always great to watch with a group of clever fucks. These are the 3 first inductees into Toilet Theater's Loathsome Lineup of, Legendary Logs.  

Road House (1989)
Many say that Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space is the Mother of all bad movies. If that is indeed the case, then Road House is the Motherfucker. It has been so eloquently riffed and reviewed before I have a hard time believing that my opening sentence here has not been thought of or written before. I don't know, and I am not made of the patience to find out. It is one of those movies like Plan 9, The Room, or Manos, that have achieved ultra-cult status. Probably the best riff I've seen of this one is by Mystery Science Theater Viking, Mike Nelson. His audio riff is killer and costs like $3 @ rifftrax.com. It's also fun to riff alone or with some good friends or robots. See Road House, and see the Road House within oneself. Pain don't hurt? I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice? Is that some Zen riddle from beyond the grave, Swayze? I'm in over my head here.
(LINK)

Motorama (1991)
I suppose you could let your young kid watch this one, if you wanted to turn them into an asshole forever...
So. Kid of 10 driving through the desert in a stolen vintage Mustang on a road trip by himself. He gets harassed by rough adult drunks. Ignorant, creepy, touchy-feely gas station attendants named Phil ask him suggestively to check his oil and accuse him of murder. Scary Cops offer him jobs that aren't even theirs to give. Lynchian Innkeepers beg him for dead squirrels. Garrett Morris? He's so much better than this. Flea is a busboy. He bribes Flea with fake money. He uses Groucho glasses to pose as a health inspector. Teens fuck in his car. He has his eye popped, and is sexually tortured by Jack Klompus from Seinfeld. Meatloaf and a goon of his, sadistically tattoo him. Not even a kid born in a mud puddle of cocaine, gasoline and stray dog piss would fucking buy this.

In Motorama, Motorama is a Mickey D's Monopoly style game. Except that it's gasoline instead of sugar and fat promotion. To play the game you buy gas to get letter cards that spell out M-O-T-O-R-A-M-A. One reason Motorama sucks is because the acting is shit. Another reason is its dumb plot. It's an unfeasible shit yarn about a trading card obsessed young jerk thief who will likely become a corrupt fucking degenerate asshole criminal gambler when he grows up. To bad he doesn't die. (or does he?) (LINK)

A Message For The Kids: Always, forever beat up any kids that have Motorama Cards. Beat their asses to death.

CHUD (1984)
Hey, did everybody except John Goodman in this fucking movie need to report to the set of Miami Vice the next day or what? In CHUD, the blonde lady (who's body will remind you of a crackwhore's) is supposed to be a model. Only in the 80s, bitch. Personally, I'd much rather make out with a CHUB than a CHUD. (and by CHUB, I mean BBW or BB-Dub) It's fun to call getting killed by CHUD, getting CHUDDED. Then you won't get scared at the really scary parts. "Dude's about to get CHUDDED!" Rillydo, CHUD does not fuck around. He's pretty fucked up. He gets hungry, living in the sewer, smelling shit gas all day. He's usually pretty pissed by the time he comes out to feed. Basically, if you get caught up, and he wants to eat you, he's gonna. CHUD stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. (or does it?) CHUD is really just the dude's nickname. It's another one of those wacky government programs that no one really understands. (LINK)

Other things CHUD could stand for:
Champion Humping Underwear Dragon
Cornbread Ham Umpire Dump (For the Dirty South)
Celestial Hungry Universal Deity (AKA Galactus)
Coprophagical Hunk of Ugly Diapers
Chubby Hump of Unusual Density
Crumbs Hate Uneaten Dessert
Chaste Hooker Usurps Destiny
Creepy Horrible Underground Drug
Cram Halen Up Dicks
Corn Hooch Under Ditch
Children Hitching Up Datsuns (For the Really Dirty South)
Cunt Has Undone Dude
Cold Hard Unsexy Death
Coop Holding Undead Diamondbacks
Cradle Heats Unknown Demon.
Crazy Hermit Unearths Divinity
Crap Hat Ukelele Duck

And now for something completely awesome.

It's...

Killing Summer: Comedy & Music @B-Creek

-Comedy-

Youth Gone Wild

All over the world, young comedians are going crazy. They are putting together some of the edgiest, weirdest and best stuff in comedy today. Here are two great ones. Youngbloods, I salute you!  

Beings Worthy of Respect
If you are a stale piece of mayo toast that only likes clean jokes, later days. According to some guy named Chuck or "Smart Charlie", "There exist only 3 beings worthy of respect: The Priest, The Soldier, and The Poet. To know, to kill, to create." One who creates comedy must be all 3. These insane young ladies and dudes never ever pull a punch. They are smart, and deftly parody crap culture and ignorance in their short, yet extremely well-produced shorts. They go for impact, and they get it. They also have a killer tech crew. The way their sketches are put together and shot are top notch. The talent is extremely well cast too. Next time you have 5 minutes, scope out the Beings' channel on YouTube (LINK). I can't wait to see where they go next. These wonderful maniacs are just getting started...
 

Space Frogs
Hallo Weltraum Frösche! Ich grüße euch aus den künstlichen Sümpfen von Colorado. Ihre Videos sind genial. Original und lustiges as fuck. Ich frage mich, wenn euch englischen Untertiteln hinzufügen könnte. Selbst wenn nicht, werde ich weiterhin Ihre lustigen Videos anzuschauen. Keep up the great work. (Verzeihen Sie Fehler in der Übersetzung. Meine deutsche Grammatik ist schrecklich. Schrieb ich diese ganze Sache auf Google Übersetzer und bin skeptisch davon Genauigkeit.) Danke für den Lacher. Kann nicht warten, um mehr zu sehen.

My German sucks. I had to Google Translate some shit. I definitely am not smart enough to correctly read aloud the above paragraph. (Unless maybe if it was taught to me by hot German chicks in bikinis who spoke both.) The Space Frogs' videos are a riot. You can re-watch some of them over and over and still laugh every time. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. I am pretty sure they are from Berlin, or they formed there. Again, my German sucks. Space Frogs Channel on YouTube gives you a lot to choose from. Baby, it'll blow your mind. (LINK)

Comedy Cutie Sexy Catfight

There's no real quarrel at all between these hilarious hotties. I just made that title to get your attention. Most of the fighting styles are made up too. I would assume these 3 beautiful women are actually probably all friends in real life. Cute friends who always kiss and make up after a wacky yet erotic catfight? Hmm.... (Again, I'm assuming.) Here are 3 of our planet's cutest, funniest ladysouls...

Maria Bamford

Fighting Style: Tiger Claw, Leopard Mom Style. Like a lone Tigress of laughter, Maria Bamford rules the comedy jungles of L.A. She rules in the shadows and works hard doing shows all the time. This year, Maria starred in many episodes of the new, revived, 2001-style monolith of wit, Arrested Development. Maria's channel on YouTube has tons of material. (LINK) Her Ask My Mom series (LINK) is tear-inducing hilarity. She may just be the funniest woman in the whole world. Very easy on the eyes too.

Sarah Silverman

Fighting Style: Flaming Phoenix, Smoking Shadow. Within the wild ninja wolfpack that is the world of truly edgy comedy, Sarah Silverman runs free. She is as comfortable with them, as she would be in the elegant trappings of high-class luxury, if she gave a fuck about that shit. Sarah is a Founding Mother in the YouTube Comedy Superteam JASH. (LINK) Very down with the Earth, the world needs more honesty like hers. Plus she is smoking hot and kind to animals. How about a Wonder Woman sketch, Sarah? Please. (LINK)

Natasha Leggero

Fighting Style: Eagle Claw, Northern Fox Style. It would be so cool to see her do real or imaginary Kung Fu in some satin gloves, wouldn't it? Hey, wait a minute...Isn't that my childhood dream-wife Susanna Hoffs from the Bengals? No, it's Natasha Leggero, the beautiful BUH baby. (LINK) Natasha's a hot, wild, brutal she-comic who just launched her own YouTube Channel. The channel will debut her new show this fall. You all know that your "acorn's on wet" for her new tub series, Tubbin' With Tash. Looks like one hell of a fucking party to me. October 2nd. It begins. (LINK)

I love these ladies! I love kissing their asses online. You will love them too. Check 'em out...
like you weren't already.

-Music-

Bill Sienkiewicz @ billsienkiewiczart.com

My Top 5 Listenin' Albums

Like anyone should give a fuck. Here are my most replayed albums of Summer 2013.

1- RZA, Digital Bullet.
2- Black Sabbath, 13.
3- DEVO, Recombo DNA.
4- Agent Orange, Living in Darkness.
5- Jan Hammer, Miami Vice Soundtrack.

All right then.

  

Bloggy Creek Time Travel Concert Series (In the Park!!)
Ever wish you could go back in time to see your favorite band when they were still all alive, or successful yet hungry enough to push their own, more youthful limits on stage? There's this won spot here in the Creek where time bends out of time. You could think of it as a Hot Springs Time Machine. If you go there, you can go ass backwards in time/space. You have to enter in where/when you want to go into the Time CircuitsTM (*not included) before you jump into the time humper. Here are some ultimate coordinates you could enter for optimum music time visions:

DEVO: Parts Unknown. 1980. WWDEVOD?
(LINK)

The Police: (Audio Only) The Paladium, NY, NY USA 11/29/1979 WWPDD?

(LINK) 

The Ramones: On TV, Germany 9/13/1978 WWJRD?

(LINK)

The Clash: Sun Plaza, Tokyo, Japan 1/28/1982 WWJSD?
(LINK)

Derek Riggs @ derekriggs.com

Iron Maiden: Long Beach Arena, Los Angeles, CA USA 3/14-17/1985 What Would Eddie Doo? Lava?
(LINK)

Look, just watch these, OK?

Tales From The Creek
"It's an American Heavy Metal Weekend!" If you're up in the highlands, it's already cold enough at night to have bonfires. Here, below the foothills it's been hot as fuck. Are you biting your nails in suspense yet? Of course not. The point is, tell stories around a big fire. Possibly behind a Wal-Mart somewhere:

The Tale of the Wal-Mart Tard Boy

One hot dry afternoon, I was at Wal Mart in the checkout line out in the garden center. I couldn't be sure if the lad ringin' folks up had a disorder of some kind or if he was just dumb as a muddy sack o' musket balls. He had quite the struggle with words. He seemed nervous, though, so maybe he wasn't no retard after all. I looked to the elderly cowboy behind me. He was holdin' in a laugh and looked down at the floor, with some humility. Nevertheless, I continued a-talkin to the poor lad. Was I being friendly to a tortured soul, or wasting my words on a mongoloid? And why was that old man behind me so quiet? Who is the bigger retard? The retard who suffers from the affliction himself, or the retard who wastes his words conversing with him?

...  

 And, of course, as promised, here are some Tits for lookin' at.

Guess who's Tits these are and WIN!

Wake my tits up, when September ends.
Not really. I hate that song. See you soon.

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Molly's Tits Sidebar

Two tits at a big dumb rave party died this week because they OD'd on Molly. The big dumb rave got cancelled because the tits died. Undoubtedly, dumb parents will now blame the drug itself, instead of its irresponsible use. Many will choose to police, rather than educate, and more families will suffer. Isn't that always the rotten-apple-barrel-way? It only takes 1 fuckin' asshole that thinks they deserve to get higher than everyone else, or be suicidal enough to fuck up everyone's good time. At this thing there was 2 of 'em. They ignorantly or selfishly took way too much. They probably didn't hydrate properly. Then, they died. Then, because of their ignorance and/or selfishness, the whole party gets ruined. Taking more than one dose of that shit on one night is biochemically pointless anyway. You can only make so much serotonin in a day, kids. Maybe they killed themselves. Suicide is the ultimate act of narcissism. Thanks for shitting on the party, ya greedy fucks. Wow. Those two tits were a real couple of dicks. Huh-huh. Darwin.

  -2013 The Missing (LINK)