This is a NINPOstXclusive…
This T-Day, this particular geek is very thankful for Ninjas. Like many geeks both before and after me, I have dreamt of being a Ninja since I was a little kid. Like many geeks before and after me, my fascination with Ninjas and their secret arts of war followed me into adulthood. As I sprawl my hearty American ass in my seat, and stuff my body with food today, I think of how Ninjas had to be able to run up to 50k at a sprint, over treacherous terrain, through any temperature, sometimes with a missing limb or other injury, undetected, malnourished, with no help near or approaching. It would be truly awesome to have such strength, skill, and focus. The legends are true. The Ghosts of Iga are alive. Damn, these potatoes are great.
1 POTATO
Tomb of the 16-Bit Ninjas
A tomb? It is to laugh. All real Shinobi keep their burning heart's edge even in death. In the rare instance that an adept Genin is killed, they will do their best to take some enemies with them. The agent may feign death or injury to draw their enemies closer. They may destroy the legs of those who track them with traps or low-flung flying blades. They may pull a string and release a cloud of poison. They might raze the forest floor beneath their pursuers feet. More than likely, the Genin will not be working alone. It is possible their counterpart may even be disguised as one of the enemy. No Shinobi fears death. All fear and confidence problems are eliminated by training. With experience, skilled Genin make the impossible real. Even a task that seems insurmountable, can be done easily by individuals with the proper education. A Shinobi's only real enemy is the folly of carelessness. The honor-bound Samurai are prisoners of their code. The way of Ninpo grants its agents the freedom to create victory. By any means necessary. Even if one Shinobi dies, many more are always at the ready to replace them. Individual Genin and even their Jonin spymasters may be killed, but the network remains forever.
Here's 4 fun classic ninja video games for 16-Bit home console…
Ninja Spirit NEC; TurboGrafix-16 (US)
What's cooler than a regular Ninja? A ghost Ninja. Known as Saigo No Nindou in Japan, you will beat this game. Probably the 1st time you play it. This doesn't make it less enjoyable. It's one of those games you don't want to over-replay. Like many classic Ninja games, the music is really cool. Plus, on TG-16 there is a turbo feature built into the controller which makes you able to throw a shit-ton of weapons with every button-strike. (or Butt-strike) My favorite are the feudal-style grenades. Turn the turb up and enjoy. Maybe just the one time…
Revenge of Shinobi AKA The Super Shinobi; Sega Genesis (US)/MegaDrive (JP)
"In the year 19XX, the evil
crime syndicate "Zeed" was reduced
to rubble by the powers of stealth
posessed by the Shinobi master,
Joe Musashi.
It seemed as if the world had returned to peace...
But 3 years later…"
-Some words at the intro of this game
Let's break this down. "Joe" Musashi, is obviously a distant grandson of the legendary unorthodox samurai and Zen-murder-artist Musashi Miyamoto. His Book Of 5 Rings is still considered one of the great masterworks on strategy almost 400 years after its conception. The "Zeed" was a post-apocalyptic biker gang from Fist Of The North Star. (Hokuto No Ken: See Post 7:LINK) In the beginning of the game it goes on and on about it. Just hit start. Don't waste your mind reading any of it. I'm not sure who wrote that shit, but actually playing the fucking game is rad. Probably the coolest thing about this game are all the killer Ninja powers Joe has. Even when they're used at the wrong time, they still look great. Thank you, Mr. Joe.
Enemies include: Spider Man, Batman, Incredible Hulk/Terminator, and Godzilla. Really.
Ninja Gaiden Trilogy; Tecmo/Nintendo SNES (US)
It is impossible to mention Ninjas and video games without mentioning these games. The secret to Ninja Gaiden is momentum. Because I've already reviewed my favorite of this series (see Post 24: LINK), because the classic NES versions of these are 8-bit games so challenging you may destroy a controller playing them, and because frankly, James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd did a way better review of Ninja Gaiden years ago: [(LINK) RUS: (LINK)]
For my review, I'm keeping this short and sweet, like a yam with tiny legs trying to run away from a fat man with a fork...
For my review, I'm keeping this short and sweet, like a yam with tiny legs trying to run away from a fat man with a fork...
In this Mario All-Star-style trilogy for the SNES, some of the ridiculous difficulty the 8 bit versions were notorious for, has been toned down. Unlimited continues? Fuck yam! The music redux doesn't sound as gritty or cool as the 8-bit version, but the graphics and smoother gameplay are a welcome change. It's worth picking up the ROM for any fan of this franchise. Play today on your BSNES. (The cartridge can be worth $150-$1000.)
See yam run? Run yam- RUN!!
Ninja Warriors Again; Taito/Nintendo Super Family Computer (JP)
Fuck 3 Ninjas. The 3 cybernetic ninjas from Super Famicom's Ninja Warriors Again, would chop those 3 little dipshits in half. Right accross the fuckin' Tum-Tum. Even though bisecting children wasn't their forte, the Ninja Warriors Again still make a pretty fun game between the 3 of them. It's your basic beat-'em-up cooperative. Like Double Dragon, Final Fight or P.O.W. You can play as a big dude with nunchakus, a chick with blades, or another ninja robot named Kamaitachi who used to work with Iron Fan Eddie during his "Somwhere in Time" phase. The reason the game was called Ninja Warriors Again, was that it was a remake of Ninja Warriors (pictured below) There was less blood in the Family Computer version, and it wasn't as wide a widescreen. This game, like all 2-player co-op games, is a great way to murder some time with a friend, BUTT, of the 4 Ninja games on this list, NWA is the worst.
Unless you have arcade version...(LINK)
To learn Ninpo properly, one must begin training by the age of 2.
2 POTATO
The Secret Life of the Tokyo Arcade Restroom
by Tokyo Joe Dub
The following is a 100% true Tokyo toilet tale.
One night while I was enjoying a great round of Mobile Suit: Gundam at the Kabukicho Taito Station, I found my Kirins had caught up to my pee-hole. I ran to the nearest pisser I could. Inside, I saw a very prominent black pair of men's briefs on the floor next to the toilet...
As disturbing as the disgusting, dark undies were, I couldn't help but also notice the strange wrapper above the toilet's upper deck. What the hell is that?
...
OH NO! This bathroom got hit by...it got struck by...a (HARD) SEX BOMBER!! I took a piss in there anyway. Later that night, thinking back about those undies made me barf. It was the best!
To see in the dark, first close your eyes. While they're closed, look up 9 times. Exhale each time as you look up. When you re-open your eyes, your night-vision will be improved.
3 POTATO
MEGA-BONUS MULTI-STAY-G!
Stage 1
Arcade Archives: Shadow Dancin'
In Shadow Dancer, not only are you Shinobi (AKA Joe Musashi), you are also a supernatural wolf, and your own best friend. This is the second game in SEGA's Shinobi series. There was the original Shinobi Arcade game (1987), Shadow Dancer (1989), and then Super Shinobi I & II (1989). Fortunately, Andy Gibb was available for the motion-capture work on Shadow Dancer, which was completed months before his tragic death in 1988. The following November, Shadow Dancer featuring the ghostly moves of the real Shadow Dancer was unleashed upon the Arcade world. A Genesis version was also released and became very popular. To many, the home-console version was considered better, but the use of Leif Garrett in the motion capture for it was considered controversial. I say nothing beats the feel of an old Arcade game station, especially one with a Ninja and his wolf, walking in the ghostly steps of Andy Gibb.
Stage 2
8-Bit Crypt: The Legend Of Kage
Kage no Densetsu was a solid Taito Arcade hit in 1985. It was licensed by Nintendo for the NES in 1986. According to the Legend Of Kage, Kage can jump high as fuck. Also, the trees are his best friends. According to my limited understanding of Japanese, Kage (pronounced Kah-gay) refers to a shadow or shadows in Japanese. It can also refer to something that is hidden or secret. In Spanish, caga means shit. So what's a Kage-caga? A secret shadow shit? Here's some legendary secret shit for you.
Actual Legend of Kage
Kage is a dude with a knife. When he finds a chick, the seasons change. He spends his days jumping around the trees, cutting dudes, scoping for chicks. Kage hates pants. He never wears 'em. Who needs pants when you're guaranteed all that seasonal satisfaction? Not Kage. He's like "Fuck pants, man."
-The End
Stage 3
PCP: Weird TV Team-Up!
GOJIRASS!
Did you know that Godzilla used to be a frilled lizard, or that Ultraman once beat his ass? It happened. In Season 1 Ep 10 of Ultraman (1967 series) Godzilla AKA Gojira fought him. Godzilla was going through a weird kind of a Ziggy Stardust phase at the time, and wanted everyone to call him Jirass. Here's how the fight went down...
First, Japan's SDF shot Jirass's neck with a fuckin' laser. Take that you prima donna!
Then, Ultraman showed up and ripped that frilly flare from off GoJirass's diva throat...
Once Ultraman tore off Jirass's fancy scarf, he got an idea.
Toro! Toro Nigiri, you Queen Bitch!
SPOILER: Ultraman wins. He always wins.
Green tea powder packets and ginseng extract are both small, easily portable and turn ordinary water into a lightly-caffineated, antioxidant elixir. Aversely, a tincture made from equally portable kava extract can relax the nerves in times of high stress.
SPOILER: Ultraman wins. He always wins.
Stage 4
LitSpit: Hanzo no Mon
by Koike Kazuo & Kojima Goseki
As important historically as the Han Empire was to China, so was the Tokugawa Shogunate to Japan. The most famous and successful of the Tokugawa was Tokugawa Ieyasu. At his aid, from the shadows, the equally legendary Jonin, Hattori Hanzo was Ieyasu's top-secret personal guard. Hanzo no Mon tells a speculative personal account of the actual historical relationship between this legendary warlord and spymaster. If you aren't already familiar with Koike and Kojima, they are also responsible for the fantastic Samurai Executioner and Lone Wolf and Cub original mangas. Hanzo no Mon was re-published in English as Path of the Assassin by Dark Horse Comics. If you have any interest at all in reading manga, this is one of the greats.
R.I.P. The Great Artist, Kojima Goseki (1928-2000)
4...
To study Ninpo, one must be ready to walk on the border between life and death with a calm mind and focused physical sensitivity. Whatever problems arise, the Shinobi must adapt in accord. This same attitude is used in all aspects of life. A Ninja applies Ninpo at all times, to all things, not just on missions. Every task is a mission. Every movement is instinct and intent at once. A Shinobi must be creative, sensitive, fit, decisive, intelligent, and have extraordinary dexterity and discipline in training. It is important that if you plan to study the art of invisibility, you learn from a qualified, professional instructor. Those schools recognized under the banner of Bujinkan, are recognized by Master Hatsumi Masaaki's Ninjutsu School in Japan. He is the Grandmaster of Togakure Ryu Ninjutsu. The Bujinkan Schools will offer students the most authentic training. (LINK)
 |
| Soke Hatsumi Masaaki |
As a kid growing up in the 80s, I was exposed to all that stupid American-Ninja-type hype and bullshit. There was a lot of misinformation out there about what Ninjas were and what their role/function was in ancient Japan. There is a bunch of uneducated publicity on the subject still around today. I suppose hype like that appeases the unintelligent and unimaginative researcher, and keeps the secrets of Ninpo, just that. Those who dismiss an enthusiasm for Ninjutsu as mere geekdom are those who are uneducated on the subject of espionage. With some effort, authentic training and material on this subject can be found. This T-Day, just as every day, I give thanks for the Ninja. They are ingenious, invisible spirits. Top-secret icons. Beyond death, Shinobi exist in all shadows, in the fears of the enemy's mind, and just around every unseen corner, seeing you before you see them. All people live and die. Shinobi live forever.
This has been a NINPOstXclusive.
-2013 Wielgorecki
