49 The Lost Post

Well, well, well, if it isn't #49. The Lost Post. 

While traipsing about in Dimension X last year, Post 49 was lost along with my inter-dimensional virginity when I spent the night with a the large-breasted entitty known as Candy Trillion. She never called me back. Fortunately, I ran into her hot roommate, Sarah, at a mercenary bar in the Tau Ceti system a few weeks ago. Through this supplemental, intergalactic, erotic encounter, Post 49 was finally recovered. Thank you, Sarah. Geomagnetic storms are brewing in your eyes.    

You can always trust my thoughts and opinions on media. Not just because I have over 30 years experience as a mad media scientist, but also because I don't have any reason to ever deceive you. Nobody pays me to write this. I have nothing to sell you, and I answer to no one. If you want to read a formulaic, sponsor-biased, adult homework assignment written by a college-diluted, passionless writer, you've come to the wrong place. Pop-culture is but a toy to me. What I do is secret. 

Having shot through the dimensional vortex, and blasted back from the dead, PCP, TTP, and NPX have returned. One last time, for revenge…

Poop Culture Phenomena

The HBO Heyday: Slightly Disinformative Summations Of Great Series

Sopranos: The Series, has Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini). Tony was one of the most engaging characters in all TV. A Hero-Villain. This dude is like if Archie Bunker was a Mob Boss. In Sopranos, Tony has a psychiatrist who is not Billy Crystal, a wife named Nurse Jackie, and two shitty brat kids. So that's it. That's The Sopranos.

The moral of the story is: DON'T do business with the Mafia.

The series called Curb Your Enthusiasm is probably one of the funniest things you've ever seen on a screen anywhere, ever. Some dude who was profanely screaming under a highway overpass I was walking over once, shrieked that Larry David was pissed because they told him he wasn't going to get to play The Vulture in some Spider Man flick that never happened. Curb Your Enthusiasm was his revenge. Overpass dude also told me he was God, and asked if I had any scarves or toilet paper on me. I ran. I ran so far away. Fuck scarves.

The moral of the story is: (See title.)

The show formerly known as Six Feet Under was a show about death…sorta. Mostly, it was a show about an extremely self-absorbed family of fishermen who ran a funeral home in Los Angeles. In this show, there's a Ghost-Dad (Richard Jenkins), a Grandma (Frances Conroy), a smug, hippy, man-slut (Peter Krause), a girl who looks like a goldfish (Lauren Ambrose), and a gay (Michael C. Hall). The gay gets kidnapped, and is forced to smoke crack. He poops on a wall. Eventually, he moves out to Miami to become a serial killer who loves donuts.

The moral of the story is: White people be crazy.

There once was this show, Carnivale. The main dude in it's not very tall. You never find out what it's all about because the whole show hit a fucking brick wall.

The moral of the story is: The Dustbowl was a shit-hole.   

The Wire was a show. It was all about crime in Baltimore. The Wire had crabs, booze, heroin, and many strong characters both bald, and with hair. The main hero of the show is a British dude named Nick Nolte. (Dominic West) When Nick Nolte isn't out drunk driving or slaying pussy left and right, he is a police. There's a lot more to The Wire than just Nick Nolte. It also am have criminals as well as police. And that's the story of why this show am called is The Wire. 

The moral of the story is: Bitch, stay off that heron.

All but Curb are (for now) on Amazon Primo, along with the equally magnificent Boardwalk Empire, Bored To Death, and Eastbound & Down. Watch and love them all. 

Toilet Theater Presents...

End Of Sprays

Fracking. Apocalypse Man commits suicide. Storms intensify. Hate breeds. Killers are common. The End of Human Times will be a slow death. Always be ready for the brutality of society's demise. If you're lucky, you'll die en masse, and won't have to breathe the poison, survivors' air. 

Here's some Sasquatch shit spray scraped from the big leaves at the pit in the universe formerly known as Bloggy Creek... 

Death Machine (1994)

Both John Carpenter and Sam Raimi's names were used in this movie version of the video game E-SWAT. Though neither genius had anything to do with this brown bump of science fiction. It stars Brad Doriff (AKA Wormtounge/Chuck) as Jack Dante (Joe Dante??), the one who makes the Hardman. No shit, that's really what they call cyborgs in this poo. Hardmans. Anyway, as the main creator of the Hardmans, Chucky is our science martyr. Weed is wasted with elaborate joint constructs. There is a distinct lack of communication between camerawork and editing. With believable sets, and one great actor, there's not a whole lot to complain about…other than your sides aching for hours as you double over in laughter from this 90s dook-relic.

Hellgate (1989)

Hot on the heels of the Lorenzo Lamas' commando vehicle, Snake Eater, Ron Palillo (AKA Horshack) stars in Hellgate. Hellgate tries to cash in on the very last drop of late 80s, sentimental, 50s nostalgia diarrhea in the worst way. It opens with an attempted gang-rape by some bikers at a carnival. The rape is foiled by the carnival's knife thrower, and from there, this shit story and its timeline become viciously incoherent. A magic crust of crystal gives life to a malevolent taxidermic turtle. A lithe, sexy Swede ghost chick affects the stalling of Horshack's car. Remember that old ghost story about the girl with the ribbon round her neck? This is a 50s diner re-hash of that tale, only there's no ribbon. There's just her elegant neck, which contains her throat, what utters: "I'm not like them. I don't belong here." Where do you think Radiohead got their idea from? Isolation? Alienation? Alien Nation? Nope. It was Hellgate.

Reasons to watch this shit: Horshack rules it. That Swede chick, poking her ass out all over the place. That Swede chick's boobs. A girl who looks like a boy is sexually unsatisfied. The hot black waitress. A pink jeep. (If you're into that.) Canned guitar from hell. A highly british comedian with noodle hair. Panties. Haunted houses. A hot car named Josie. It makes you realize how shitty nostalgia malt shops really are. On the other hand, it also makes you realize how badass actual legacy diners are. 

Fuck this movie. Go see The Angry Video Game Nerd Movie, Edge Of Tomorrow, or the new Planet Of The Apes flick. Damn, dirty apes rule all! For after, here's a list of awesome diners in the Denver area worth your time:

Davie's Chuck Wagon 9495 W Colfax

Rosie's Diner 14061 E Iliff

20th St Cafe 1123 20th 

The Butcher Block Cafe 1701 38th St

Pete's Kitchen 1962 E Colfax

Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

Fuck yeah. Another Corman critical playground. Before Alien, before Return Of The Jedi, before Blade Runner, and way before Firefly, there was a Galaxy Of Terror. Automatic Legendary Log. Beyond its killer cult-status, Galaxy of Terror creates clumsy sci-fi archetypes without even knowing it. Obviously heavily under-the-influence of Empire Strikes Back, this one blasts out that ass with intergalactic stars like: Mr. Martian Hand (Ray Walston), Freddy (Robert Englund), CPT Spaulding (Sid Haig), Joanie from Happy Days (Erin Moran) and Twin Peaks First Lady (Amazing Grace Zabriskie). Rather than fuck anything up for you, I'll say nothing to spoil the fun. Look, just watch this, OK?

Far from a piece of shit, itself, Galaxy Of Terror is gold fucking nugget. If only they'd had some real production capital, this movie would be on that sci-fi short list of all-time classics. Here's 5 of those, besides those mentioned above. If you're here, you probably already know the other 10x much…

1-Logan's Run

2-Running Man

3-Silent Running

4-The Day The Earth Stood Still

5-Akira  

Frogs (1972) 

Frogs is one of those seriously environmentalist bits of science fiction. It's a great example of scientific speculation as wild warning, like Gojira (1954), Swamp Thing (1982) or The Toxic Avenger (1984). Frogs stars a very young Sam Elliot as a nature photog who wrecks into a kinky couple. He shortly finds his whole world eaten up by a dead plot and some toxic frogs. One thing I wondered about frogs, during Frogs, was: What about the toads? I also further pondered: What about the gators, turtles, salamanders, lizards, newts, gekos, and skinks? What about snakes? What happens when a snake eats one of those mutant Frogs? Does it mutate too?  

  

NerdPostXclusive: Arcade Archives- Reduxed

Here I am, reviewing video games, contradicting myself again because I learned new shit. Unless you're a moron, (impossible if you're reading this) most movie and TV show remakes are shit. The same cannot be said of video games. Like myself, and most wines, video games get better with age. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nostalgia is typically useless. However, many designers' love for classic games have brought about some new, smoother and sleeker versions of them. From 2D to 2.5D/3D, here are some exemplary examples.    

Double Dragon/NEON

Many friendships were forged by the glow of Double Dragon. This 2-player, classic brawler, was the younger brother of Technos/Taito's Renegade. Known as Nekketsu Kouha Kunio-Kun (Hot-Blooded Hard-liner Kunio) in Japan, Renegade was the prototype for the beat-'em up or belt scrolling genre. Both Renegade and Double Dragon were the brainchildren of this genre's Grandfather, 

Kishimoto Yoshihisa. 

Though Kishimoto had no direct role in the development of Double Dragon Neon, WayForward Technologies' respectful affection for his original designs is obvious. With character designs by the fantastically prolific Genzoman (Gonzalo Ordóñez Arias) and music by WayForward's incredible composer Jake Kaufman (Duck Tales Remastered), Double Dragon Neon is a less-gritty, more-pretty, homage to it's classic counterpart.

Bionic Commando/Rearmed

The much more playable sequel to Commando. The killer, classic, Capcom, Arcade amusement, Bionic Commando was and still is awesome. The NES port was a big success, too and is the basis for this remake. It was developed by the now defunct, Swedish studio, Grin. Bionic Commando: Rearmed (2009) is a gorgeous, gracious salute to Super Joe. Still, I am plagued by one question. Why just the one arm? Once bionics become available to the general public, I'm getting 2 of those fuckers.

     

Elevator Action/Deluxe

When you download the new, more beautiful and easier to control version of this Arcade relic, you may be delighted to find that it includes the classic version too. Both versions are fun and challenging, but prolonged play is for experts only. If like me, you're not a wizard of the old school, just play these in micro-doses. They're excellent for killing small tracts of time.To count, I have had 6 sexual elevator encounters in my life. Of that 6, 4 were just quickie blow-jobs and of that 4, none ended in climax. Great foreplay though. Props be to the 2 lovely ladies who made those music-video moments happen. Thank you. You are both so beautiful. 

(Like either of them are reading this…As if.) 

Shinobi

One hit and you're dead. Shinobi (1987) takes a lot of practice to master. Still, you've got to love that music. The PS2 version of Shinobi (2002), while maintaining the difficulty of the Arcade original, is far more diverse in gameplay than its ancestor. You still have your blade, stars and Ninpo, and your reflexes must still be Shinobi quick. But, the 3D environment allows you to run along walls, dash n' slash, do combos and throw shuriken in your opponents' faces from a multitude of angles. Another challenging feature of the remake, the Akujiki is your sword. It must feed on the Yin (soul negativity) of those it kills, otherwise it will feed off yours… 

HA DEE YA!!

         

Strider

Strider, AKA Strider Hiryu (High Ryu?) was a manga created by the mangaka collective Moto Kikaku, and published by Kadokawa. The main character, Hiryu, originally designed by Wada Tatsumi, is part of a group of assassins called The Striders who is forced back into action. In the Arcade version by Capcom, exploiting the character's speed and freedom of movement were the cornerstones of successful gameplay. An excellent challenge for your hand-eye reflex, and your damn nerves. 8-bit ports were also released for the NES, and Sega Master System.

The new Strider (2014) is a very innovative improvement on the original. Conspicuiously faster, and with more freedom of movement than the old, new, HD Strider is vastly more dynamic visually. Just like in the original, your weapon is the electro-sword, Cypher, and you have hooks for climbing. New Strider was developed by Capcom Osaka, and Double Helix Games (makers of the latest in the Killer Instinct series). Even those unfamiliar with the original inception, will enjoy this new hack n' slash gem. Like Ninja Gaiden, in space, on coke.

       

Try 'em all. About $9.99 a pop on PSN.

Newer Gameage

Here's some newer games. UH!

It's Keifer.

Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes

To tide us over until The Phantom Pain, Kojima has given us an amazing chunk of good meaty Tactical Espionage Action to chew on. Ground Zeroes is the most immersive of any stealth military game I've ever played. The environment while much more restrictive than GTAV is far more interactive. Even though it is short, Ground Zeroes gives you a lot to do, and seemingly infinite ways to do it. By far, it is the best designed game on this list.  

Sweet Katana.

South Park: Stick of Truth

Probably the funniest video game ever conceived, Stick Of Truth has it all. Beautiful FF-style, intuitive battle screens. Tough abortions. Diverse character customization, including a creative and highly variable arsenal of weapons and tactics. Lots to do as a new kid everyone calls douche-bag. Eventually nazi-zombies are brought in. If you have the video-tenacity you may even progress to fuck with Mr. Slave's anal adventure. Good luck, ye avatars of South Park. May the farts be with you.

You just got beat up by a dude with ladybug nipple armor.

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: All Star Battle

AKA: JoJo's Ridiculously Homo-erotic Fighting Game. Unlike the west, in the developed east, androgyny is not only respected but revered. There are many positive portrayals of gay and transgender characters in modern Japanese pop culture. Nowhere is this more evident than in the pages of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, a manga created by Araki Hirohiko, in 1986. JoJo tells the story of Jonathan Joestar and his evil adopted brother, Dio.      

While similar to Hokuto No Ken, in its brother vs brother plot, and use of fictional martial arts systems, JoJo takes place in the late 19th century instead of the post apocalyptic wastes, and is more comedic than dramatic in its story. The costumery of the charters is, to the western eye, very homosexual-looking. As for the game, it's a great arcade-style fighter. It has a plethora of characters with tons of moves and earn-able upgrades. Weird as hell, but hilariously fun. 

Stolen from Dishonored.

Thief

Have you played Dishonored by Bethesda? It is everything this game wishes it was, and more. In Dishonered, you are not just a thief, but an assassin, charged with many politically volatile, dangerous duties. In Dishonored you have a more impressive range of powers. Some of these powers make time, space, and physics abstract. Thief is prettier than Dishonored graphically. Thief is smooth, but as far as gameplay goes, Dishonored will hook you deeper. Besides, Dishonored was released well-before Thief. Trust in the original. Dishonored was first. Its brutal complexity and superior multitude of interaction, kick the fuck out of the slightly-smoother, skulking Thief. For those hard of reading: Get Dishonored. Not Thief. Chuh-Uh!

"I DON'T WANT ANY MORE HURT!"

Rambo: The Video Game

Man, I really thought they were going to get it right this time. Fuck.

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Well that's it. Even the inter-dimensional door has now closed on Bloggy Creek forever. It just isn't safe there. The B-flick butt-hole of Toilet Theater is beginning a metamorphosis of sorts, the clack-clack-ping of Pinball sounds off on the time-horizon, and be wary friends of Rigital…

THE VIDEOS ARE COMING!   

THE VIDEOS ARE COMING!

(this Fall…)

Thanks again, if you can dig it.

-2014 Wielgorecki