57 Toilet Theater Presents...

Martial Farts

Let me begin this post by expressing my eternal love for watching diverse people from all over the world, beat the shit out of each other. I have nothing but the utmost respect for all true martial artists and stunt people. When I lived in Philadelphia, I was lucky enough to get to hang out with some really kick ass stunt guys and gals from the Fearless Hyena Stunt Team. Very dynamic folks, these. Salt of the Earth. Jay, Muhammed, Raymond, Chris and Lael…Wherever you are, this one's for you. You guys Rock. Thanks again.

All glory to the Diaper Man.

Arena

A Bogus Journey to say the least. Arena follows the adventures of clean-cut, homeless space-lunk, and all-around swell guy, Steve Armstrong. On the space-town where Steve is stranded, there are fights in, you guessed it, an Arena. Steve reveals to his best friend, 4-Armed Obi-Wan Hobbit-Pachino his dream to be a fighter. 

Arena has the fight choreography of an old Star Trek episode. It has worse acting than Bloodsport, yet co-opts its theme with an interstellar spin, without any real stars to back it up. The main Bad guy is Goro's Dad, with a bit of Hoggle from Labyrinth and maybe some of Genreral Kael's bones. His fight with the kind mongoloid, Steve was so epic it actually broke my home Cheese-O-Meter, overloading it. Was it worth it? No way. 

Arena was directed by one of Charles Band's Full-Mooners, Peter Manoogian, who also squeezed-off cine-turds Eliminators (1986), and Demonic Toys (1992). Arena is one magnificent, majestic, brown cobra. It's like someone watched a bunch of Buck Rogers episodes on ether one weekend, and rewrote them as one script. If you want to see a sweaty man in a diaper fight with giant, lubed-up, space Boglins, urine luck.

Wang Yu, Sky fuckin High.

The Man from Hong Kong

AKA Dragon Files. Oh shit. How did this fall in the toilet?? It must have hang-glided in. I will grab it out. My hands will emerge from the bowl wet and shitty. No matter, the diamond will be saved. This crazy-ass movie, unlike the shit it's sandwiched between, has excellent martial arts, and great stunts. Real stunts without special effects or camera tricks. It is unfortunately almost impossible to come across this kind of guts and irresponsibility in stunt work today. (LINK)   

Some SPOILERS follow. It's a damn action orgy. What am I really spoiling? Shit blows up, OK?

HONG KONG 1975: Wang Yu beats up some cadet dudes in their underpants, and fucks a rad Australian Hang-Glider Girl. Except they call it some other shit. Kite-flying? His romance is interrupted when he gets called to make a duty. A kung fu man's gotta do, what a kung fu man's gotta doo, baby. A man is a man is a man. Wang goes off to battle, secret agent style. He meets up in Australia with some Narcs. He tells the Narcs what his Vice is. Gambling. He's like if Mr. Lee and Roper are the same dude. Did I mention this is the Australian Enter the Dragon, yet? It is.

AUSTRALIA 1975: Wang Yu sets a James Bond on fire, beats him up, tapes a grenade in his mouth and blows his ass up, sky high. This of course in retaliation to the Australian gang blowing he and his lady sky high. Killing her. (Someday, in the UK, it will be impossible for a fire to happen anywhere, without at least one Dr. Who getting burned.) Thanks to the lack of laws Australian filmmakers enjoyed back then, TMFHK's vehicular stunts are fuckin rad. They combine some of these with the physical stunt work awesomely. Street fights, bar, restaurant and hotel fights abound. Indoor? Outdoor? It doesn't matter. This is a Brian Trenchard-Smith stunt crew we're talking about. Only the hardest of the hard. The baddest of ass.  

Wang Yu 

AKA White Dragon. Wang is one of the born-tough who made films with the Shaws in the sixties. Known by his Aussie collaborators for being "horrible" to work with, and for his irrational, racist, sexist hatred of white chicks. He's starred in 81 films. (hkmdb.com) The year this film released, he divorced his wife and married a flight attendant. The daughter from his first marriage is Linda Wong, a Hong Kong pop singer. She sings all the Cantonese hits, Fatal Flying One-Armed Boxer Guillotine style. 

Sammo Hung

A childhood schoolmate, and long-time colleague of Jackie Chan, a man who is responsible for some of the best stunt work in film history, and a guy who just plain looks like a Triad Goon who would whup your ass in a hilarious way, Sammo Hung is a martial arts and stunt legend. A subject deserving of his own post, eventually.

Grant Page

Again, a man who deserves his own post. There's not a lot you can say about him that hasn't been said before. This guy is fucking fearless. Watch his feature film Stunt Rock: LINK (Featuring Sorcery) if you really want to see what this madman is capable of. Stunt Rock was also directed by Trenchard-Smith.

  

Brian Trenchard-Smith

Did his share of stunts, too. Wang really hits the piss out of him in this one. If you've seen the fantastic documentary on Ozploitation films, "Not Quite Hollywood", you know this man is that genre's greatest master. If you're looking for action entertainment that's truly nasty, bad and dangerously-made, he does it best.

Glad oy fawnd it. Oy'd hayte teh flush me dymonds!

Paul Dini wrote this??! 

Double Dragon

NEW ANGELES 2007: After the "Big Quake."(?) It's amazing that Shadow Boss Robert Patrick, in a suit and hairstyle on loan from the Demolition Man set, was able to amass so much criminal power. Especially when his core criminal empire consists of only his old lady (Cyberdine Sys Model: T-D-00) and 2 waiters. George Hamilton and Vanna White are news anchors, with weatherman Andy Dick. It is a dystopian future, where fighters are measured by how much they can bench press, and all the shitty chop-jobs people drive in are equipped with police computers that tell them how much each other can bench press, and indoor Mr. Fusions. 

The fighting sequences are as tired and unimaginative as the dialogue in this one. Alissa Milano has cut her hair short ala Tank Girl, and is part of a Graffito Gang that want to do right by New Angeles. Their idealism also on loan from the Demolition Man set via Dennis Leary's crew. Alissa's gang is called "The Power Core", because, if there's one thing all civil activists are after, it's power. 

The highlight of this double-headed, fire-breathing, poop-loop, is the really, really insipid banter the two Lee brothers share. Jimmy is played Mark Dacascos, AKA American Iron Chef's Chairman- the only talented martial artist in this dump. The Billy Boy is played by the Party of 5 kid who was also on…well, nothing. Eventually the brothers stop having poorly-acted arguments full of comedic air balls, and agree to ask the Power Core for help. They drop in on their headquarters at Nickelodeon Studios, where the young hop-heads kill time playing with toys, wearing CrossXColors gear and torturing an Abobo for info by overfeeding him and making him fill their HQ's air space with his farts?? Olfactory masochism? Strange interrogation technique, but one does not question The Power Core. 

Oh, did I not say this whole thing is really about some medallion that is split in half? It is. One half is good, one half is evil and when the two sides combine blah blah power blah. In the end, they of course fight Shadow Boss, and win despite his terrible, powerful clothes and hair. The reason they win is because of their brass-studded, dragon-fabulous karate gear, and because Dacascos gets deep inside Robert Patrick. That Jimmy runs so deep, it makes him slap his own face.       

There's a whole lot of shit out there. Hollywood will continue to pinch loaves forever. I'll see some of them, and hopefully some of you too, at the next Toilet Theater...

-2013 Wielgorecki

56 NerdPostXclusive: Arcade Archives

Yie Ar Kung Fu

I used to watch mulleted, half-staced teens play this for hours at the local skate rink. I was too short to play the stand-ups right, yet. I was also too modest to skate around like the other kids, who looked like they were taking standing dumps as they rolled around on those heavy-ass skates. Eventually I took to the rink, and was a natural. Yie Ar Kung Fu was not so easy. In fact, I never saw any guy get farther than the first FAN on the skate rink one. In this Konami classic, you are Oolong, a young Kung Fu Fighter who must face the Shaolin trials. (I gave up on this one as soon as Castlevania came out. This was well before the home NES, even.) The levels go as follows:

1st Wave

  1) Buchu: The Flying Fat Monk

  2) Star: The Shuriken Chick

  3) Nuncha: ku Chucker

  4) Pole: Shaolin Lohan w/Staff

  5) Feedle: A Gang 

2nd Wave

  6) Chain: A Jerk w/Reach

  7) Club: Clubber Yang 

  8) Fan: Kunoichi

  9) Sword: Ninja Elvis?

10) Tonfun: You say Tonfun, I say Tonfa, let's call the whole thing off.

11) Blues: When Oolong gets the blues, he fights himself.

Then both waves repeat. Watch it super-played @ LINK. 

If you can find this one in the old stand-up, it's probably pretty beat up. However, you can play Yie Ar in Konami Classics Series: Arcade Hits for the DS, and as always there are Roms available if you know a bit of MAME-Fu. 

Tomorrow, Toilet Theater...

-2013 Wielgorecki   

55 Tai-Chi Zero: Steampunk Beatdown.

Jayden Yuan as Lu Chan- From Zero to Hero.

Tai Chi Chuan and Chi Kung, are the backbone of all the Chinese Martial Arts. If you want to be good at Kung Fu, Chi-Na, Fast-Wrestling, Wushu etc., it is best to first practice these soft/internal arts, and to incorporate them into your daily routine. This will result in the hard/external arts balancing you out, and strengthening you from the inside out. Don't believe it? Try and see.   

In Actor/Director Stephen Fung's Tai Chi Zero, we are taken to an alternate, old China. In this legendary world, for some reason, a Franco-Chinese, Steampunk Industrial Revolution is taking place. 

Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!

("this word was not found in the spelling dictionary")

The main character is a young man named Lu Chan. He's got him a super-powered cyst on his dome. When this "horn" gets slapped, watch out. The dude goes ballistic. (See above.) This film reads more like an Anime, fighting arcade game or graphic novel, but, it does so really well. It has fantastic fight choreography, fun high-grade special effects and an incredible pace. I have yet to see the sequel. (featuring badass actor and Cinco-Boy pitchman, Peter Stormare aka "Slippery Pete.") The sequel is called Tai Chi Hero. I am sure it continues this natural blending of the comic superhero and martial arts genres. 

Tai Chi Zero is streaming on Netflix, YouTube and elsewhere. If you're a martial arts film fan with a good sense of humor, you will love this. If you aren't, why in hell did you just read this?

-2013 Wielgorecki   

54 Karate Kid: The 1st 42...

"When you're alone, you ask yourself, what are you searching for?"

-Survivor

The following is an anal-Isis* of the first 42 minutes of The Karate Kid 1. For a classic martial arts film, it has some of the worst martial arts choreography in film history. Will Smith attempted to correct this in 2010, through nepotism and Jackie Chan's clout. It sucked. Think of all the young Tony Jaa's and Jet Li's out there who really deserved the role. What a waste. I guess it wasn't such a great franchise afterall. The original KK1 and 2 are the only ones you need to see. Classic, cross-cultural, comedies. Dig the anal-Isis…

(*probably already a porn star name.)

The Beach

Fighting on the beach sucks. If I had to fight a dude on the beach, I would just shoot him, or have him shot from a distance. Fuck sand fighting. The footing is weird. It gets all over you and your fucking boombox. Guys who fight over girls at the beach in font of a crowd are like guys who propose to their girlfriends on a ball game's kiss-cam. Glory-hungry turds. If you're bad, you throw sand with one foot and kick face with the other a nanosecond later. Double Dragon-Tail Sand-Spit. The opponent will fall asleep if you hit the chin just right. Ippon. (LINK)

School

I don't care who you are. Attending the 1st day of school with a black eye automatically makes you a bad ass. Why the fuck would you try to hide it? Get laid.  

The Cobra Kai Dojo

Gayest Dojo in the Valley. Bar none. The rage within the Cobras is their repressed homosexuality screaming for release. They can't fuck and suck each other like they want to. This makes them all mad. The sad fact is that they all want to gangbang Daniel-son and so they take their misdirected youthful sexual confusion and frustration out on him with violence. Sucks to be Daniel, son.

Mobile Ambush 1

If those dudes were real motorcrossers they would have been out in the desert doing jumps, rather than chasing down some dork one of their exes wanted to fuck. What a bunch of dipshits. 

Halloween Dance

I've seen that shower costume remade well, and shitty at many Halloween parties over the years. The best one had automated bubbles. It was a really cool costume. Creativity is 90% of any cool costume. A bunch of LA beach boys who wear the same costume. Not gay at all, right? The joint that Johnny rolls in the toilet is way more of a joke than him getting soaked. Stop twisting it you shit. Fuck the shower, aryan Leia, and all them skells. 

Black Spiderman is the baddest.    

Mobile Ambush 2

Why would Daniel-son run so far away from where all the people were if he thought that small group of closet cases was gonna fuck him up? Pretty shitty tactical decision making for a supposedly street smart kid from Newark. Good thing Miyagi was there to fuck those queers up.

Inter-dimensional Noriyuki-sama Nose-breaker.

If you have no Mr. Miyagi, you will get your ass beat by the Cobra Kai. Then, they will use their blatant, latent, homoeroticism to do horrible shit to you after the KO, too. The Karate Kid never mattered. He should have stayed in Jersey. He was a lump of shit without Miyagi. A cunt.

But with Miyagi…

You're The Best..Around. (LINK)

"If you really believe you can make it, then the power is in your own hands.."

-also Survivor (LINK)

"He taught him the secret to Karate lies in the mind and heart. Not in the hands."

-Tagline 

Later daze...

-2013 Wielgorecki

  

53 Women's Appreciation BBQ Special

A Poop-Culture Phenomena Event

This post is dedicated to the fictional Ms. Leslie Knope, an inspiration to me, and a character my own Mother would have loved. Let the young Leslie Knopes of the world rise up, and "Rise Above."

"Aaron, I want to make out with you."

-Naomi Klein

"Me too."

-Naomi Wolf

"Hey, that's cool."

-Aaron Wielgorecki

(Note: Above quotes are only real in the sub-space of my imagination.)

I not only appreciate women, I love them. They are the key to life. Without women, we men would be as clever and motivated as raw sausages. I like to think that I would just be a lone, masturbating fisherman in that horrific scenario. Imagining ladies who never were. Catching fish. Eating fish. Without women there are no more people. Women motivate our every action, for good or ill. Women are the love of the world. Lets talk about some women we love from TV. Enjoy the BBQ. 

Beer

Joan Jett - Ok, watch this video...(LINK). Now, don't you think they should have had Mila Kunis instead of that Twilight chick as Joan in that shitty movie about the Runaways? Kunis has way better eyes for the role. It may have made it less shitty. It may have been way worse, too, and therefore, funnier. Like that Darby Crash turd they made, the Runaways movie was a disappointment I knew I had coming as soon as I turned it on. I will always be a fan-for-life of the real Germs and Runaways. Those movies don't matter. Joan and her songs do. She is an artist, a survivor, an evolver, and a free radical. Her bad ass music has always brought the lesbian in me out. Magic eyes. Thanks Joan. I love you love me love. Even though Love Stinks. Cheers. Slam yer beers…and so on, and so on, and doody doody doody. (LINK)

Chips

"Chips?"

"Oh, none for me. Thanks."

"Fuck you!!"

Hot Dog

Jolene Van Vugt - There is a female Evel Knievel. Her name is Jolene. She rides with the Nitro Circus crew, a group who's stunts most tough guys would cower from. Not Jolene. She's a chick who could beat your ass, jump it, and then peel out on it, giving you some nice black streaks across your cheeks to remember her by when she's done. She is also extremely beautiful. (LINK Jumpstarts @ 0:50)

Cheeseburger

Jennifer Hudson "I've got the power" Ad - That's not her song. It's KLF. (LINK) Not to be confused with ALF, the lovable puppet who threw one actor into a sweaty crack smoke augmented dementia and breakdown, nor with an ELF the Ethereal Life Forms that exist all around us, which we cannot perceive naturally, now, at this stage in our species' evolution. KLF was a new sound band that was all about London's late 80s-early 90s, ridiculous acid house techno. Now it's a 21st century ass and belly fat loss system pitch. I do like Jennifer's shiny, shiny, grey pussy-pants, though. I like them yeller pussy-pants, too. I suppose that like Natalie Imbruglia's panty collection, I'm torn.* Yarr. Ahoy, me nineties. Oh snap. My bad. That was Snap. (LINK) Too much Acid R&B, B.

(*I'd like to imagine that music video had Natalie violently throwing and tearing up tons of pairs of panties, instead of whatever she was supposed to be doing there.)

Ribs

Some ribs are great. You can give the bones to you pup after you eat 'em. Some ribs are gross and sad. Sometimes, some women get out of control with weight loss. This is because of the tug-o-war between women's sensitive nature and vicious body-image delusions implanted in their minds by other women, men and the media. It's a nasty stupid game. Sadly, it shows no sign of ever going away.

"I seen Jay-Z and Beyonce goin' into the (23rd St Dallas) BBQ's last night."

-some guy

"Nope. No, you didn't."

-some guy's buddy

Wings

Roberta Mancino - So very far beyond Fly. Dardevil, Dancer, Model, Athlete. She's as close to a superhero as you'll ever find in the real world. Nothing more to say. Enough talk. Just watch. Dude, she can fly. (LINK)

Time for Dessert

Who do you gotta bang to get some dessert around here? For dessert, we have a cake from the supermarket, fresh pineapple, and white-flavored ice cream…

Cake

Wow, this cake looks great. It's all nice and cakey. I wonder if the supermarket bakery artisan used an airbrush to decorate it. Only wait…as soon as it touches your mouth it disintegrates because it's pure processed sugar. Not much to it. So what? Maybe you decide to have some cake anyway. Mmmmm. Sugar is good. Damn sweet though.

Pineapple

Pineapple is a nickname for a hand grenade. It's a healthier, smarter, natural option. More refreshing. Pineapple also adds an exotic context to the dessert. Quenches your island thirst. Great with booze, cool water and sun. Hot breeze. Salt air. For an even wilder adventure, sprinkle some black pepper, tajin or togarashi on your pineapple. Spice is nice.

Ice Cream

How can anyone turn down ice cream? Even if it's that air-inflated, discount-ice-cream-sandwich-grade ice cream. Are you crazy? It's an ice cream, ya nincompoop. You're at a party. It's hot. Better get some of this cheap, cheap ice cream before it melts down to nothing.

"Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack o' wet mice."

-Foghorn Leghorn

Thanks for coming to my BBQ.
All 2 of you.

Feel free to take a plate home.

    -2013 Wielgorecki

52 Toilet Theater Presents...

Thank God It's Friday

Soundtrack Fortified with Sunshine and Natural Juices

"If I'm gonna start somewhere I might as well start here."
-Donna Summer

I've seen Disco's death rattle, and the damage done. This great, 1978, mirrored cornball was brought to you by the director who also gave us Weekend At Bernie's II, and nothing else. It stars many greats. Most importantly, Donna Summer. When she was at her hottest. Only an asshole couldn't love her. Lionel Richie & the Commodores got those kick ass costumes. The young Jeff Goldblum has some improbable car and woman trouble. There's Debra Winger, The Legendary Otis Day, Terri (Take My Breath Away) Nunn of Berlin, and Fame's Valerie Landsburg too. The set is cool. I love the crazy hands DJ booth. Chick Vennera's ahead-of-its-time, gay parkour on parked cars was another highlight that may just blind you with stupidity. God didn't make Fridays. People did.

It might be Friday, but I'm easy like Sunday mornin'. That being said, if you can make it through this little disco ball of cheese without wanting to brutally beat the bitch with the necktie headband about his bitch-ass neck and skull, you are a fucking Buddha. Namaste.

Tomorrow: Bloggy Creek BBQ. See you there.

-2013 Wielgorecki

51 NerdPostXclusive: Arcade Archives

BurgerTime

BurgerTime was a game. In it you are a pepper. Like Dr. Pepper asked us once through the eyes of the lovable killing machine, Johnny 5: "Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?" As pepper, you must season the evil ingredients before they steal all your hamburger. Burgertime uses a satellite linked, point-and-pepper integrated targeting system. For pinpoint peppering. Beware the hot dog man. Don't sweat the eggman. The Egg man is just the Walrus disguised by his rubber walrus protectors. Don't be fooled. Don't catch beefy fever. Many people have probably wanted to punch this game over the years. Fuckin' lettuce. Crap-ass buns. Dag-blasted tuh'maters. 

"Fuck this game."

-Me, 00:02:44 into BurgerTime

You're my pepper.

-2013 Wielgorecki  

50 Otomo: GENGA!

An explanation is due. What happened to post 49? It was lost in the folds of time between Dimension X and here. This was during my visit there this past April Fools Day. (see post XX) It may resurface in another space-time. It may not. This is post 50.

Otomo: GENGA!

All Words & Photos By Wielgorecki
Video By gengaten otomo (LINK)

A year ago, I was in Tokyo. I was lucky enough to have my visit coincide with GENGA, a gallery show at Arts Chiyoda (LINK) featuring the artwork of Otomo Katsuhiro. For those nerds who don't know, shame. Otomo is the creator of the immortal manga, Akira. His artistic tenacity and illustrative precision are only matched by his wild, violent imagination. For GENGA, Otomo donated his entire portfolio. All admissions and merchandise profits were donated to help rebuild Miyagi, which was devastated in 2011's tsunami disaster and is Otomo's home prefecture. 

Akira was laid out page by page, in glass cases. It was easy to follow this familiar story, from case to case, room to room. It took a while, but I scanned every page into my brain. Most of them I'd never seen. Most notably, the pages that showed Tetsuo's harem of chicks. The most amazing part was to look at all the pages and imagine them sitting on Otomo's work space lit by a flickering TV, amidst swirling cigarette smoke, models in various stages, and possibly many strange photo refs, back in the 80s as he created them. These were the same pages. The chaos was beautiful. I kept trying to analyze the drawings, hoping they would reveal some trick to his process. Of course there was no secret trick. The secret to Otomo's mastery is hard work.  

Not only did GENGA exhibit every single, hand drawn page from Akira, there were lots of original layouts and storyboards from Steamboy and Robot Carnival, too. There was also all the original art from his collected book of illustrations, Kaba (Hippo).   

Photography was obviously prohibited around the art, but at the end of it all was this room…

Actual working bike. (LINK)

Watch your telekinetic temper, Tetsuo.

GENGA's Wall of Tribute

It seems it is a specialty of the Japanese to create feats of technology and engineering to bring people's wildest dreams into artistic and scientific reality. Fuck a bucket list. I don't need the Taj Mahal. I don't need the Pyramids. I don't need Everest. Soul Scream! Awesome Dream Power! So very better, Baby...Otomo: GENGA!!

Love you, Nippon. 

-2013 Wielgorecki

48 Toilet Theater Presents...

3-Flush Truckload

High-Ballin'
Not porn, regardless of its name. American International, the 'American Standard' in cinema, is behind this unsexy redneck answer to Taxi Driver. Peter Fonda delivers Kung Fu Sage cool throughout this piss bottle of a movie. In High Ballin', Fonda wears a jacket I think I may have bought at Goodwill once and another jacket I wished I had. High Ballin' is another one of those 1970s trucker films like Convoy that were part of an emerging CB Radio and Trucking culture trend then. Breaker Breaker. Perhaps it was the whitest form of rap there ever was. Perhaps this trend was a harbinger of our current technological culture. The CB was replaced by the car phone, the cell phone, and today, by the smartphone. The 'handle' has been replaced by the screen name or user name, and the codes have been replaced by txt shorthand. Maps are now GPS. Clubs are now Tasers. Coffee is Red Bull, and Reds have become meth. Somehow, through all that change, the cellulose continues to cultivate in truckers asses, same as it always has. More importantly, the language and music of truckin' continues to endure through the ages. Slack-jawed, backwater, country creepy. Keep on keepin on to the flipity flip there, Ballrider. Watch out you don't get a Bear behind, good buddy. Come back? (LINK)

"Man, this Jeep Grand Cherokee commercial is LONG!"

Breakdown
This fun little R-rated romp through the southwest's white slave trade, stars Kurt (The Original Solid Snake) Russell. His missing wife is played by Jim (Val Kilmer) Morrison's Pagan wife from The Doors. It also has the guy who was a road worker George Costanza hired to help him get his talking Phil Rizzuto keychain from beneath the 86th St pavement. There is also Red Barr, played by JT Walsh who was also fantastic alongside Max Von Sydow in Needful Things. It's got that kid from other late 90s films with the giant face who looks like a hillbilly Bon Jovi. Good car chases. Over-the-Top villains. The coolest dude in this one has got to be MC Gainey. A living legend. Make sure to watch this with a loved one right before you both leave on a road trip together. Be careful out there. (LINK)

"I'm sleepy."

Black Dog
This movie not only has the late-great Patrick Swayze, but also stars Meatloaf, and Randy Travis. It's the tale of one last run by a stand up guy, an ex-con, just tryin' to do right. He's gotta take a wrong road to get there though. Smugglin'. Bloodstains. Speed kills. Fast cars. Cheap thrills. Rich girls. Fine wine. He loses sense, loses control, and loses his mind. Hallucinating a black ghost mutt on the road that changes the truckin' career of Jack Crews, forever. Next time grab a sandwich and some coffee, you dumb piece of shit. Jack Crews. Nice name, dude. (LINK)

The Moral of the story is: Don't drive asleep.
Another time. Another toilet.

  -2013 Wielgorecki

47 Johnny Cash: The Rambler

Signed Copy of The Rambler (1977)

Besides being the most important American Storyteller since Mark Twain, Johnny Cash was also an ingenious artist. His conceptual album, The Rambler, contains no well-known hits. The quality and one-of-a-kind sound that he always brings to the table remain at its core. The music is the heart. This 20th century fable of a wanderer in search of lost love, and the characters he meets along his journey, is a unique one in the colossal Johnny Cash catalog. The songs all begin with part of this narrative, as the Rambler heads aimlessly west in search of a love he knows is already gone. Talk about a boogie woogie rythm and blues masterpiece, The Rambler is it. Next time you have an hour or so, treat yourself to this much-overlooked, musical adventure. (LINK)

-2013 Wielgorecki

46 Elvis Hitler: Detroit Hellbilly

I don't have some clever name for a music review. Here's is one. For a Rock 'Em, Sock "Em, Psycho Hellbilly group out of Detroit... 

Elvis Hitler 

Jim Leedy-Vocals 

Warren Defever-Bass

John Defever-Guitar

Damian Lang-Drums

In the late 1980s, while America was mid-term through another Poop-culture paradigm shift, Elvis Hitler emerged from the oil and blood Splattered streets of Motor City. 

Discography:

Disgraceland (Restless 1988)

Hellbilly (Restless 1989)

Supersadomasochisticexpialidocious (Restless 1992)

Greatest Hit:

Green Haze I & II, off Disgraceland (a Green Acres/Purple Haze mashup.)

(LINK)

I can't believe people ever gave these guys shit about their name. I think it's funny as hell. Elvis P was really more of a misogynist than he was a fascist. I guess he was kinda both. More music. Coming Soon.

-2013 Wielgorecki

45 Poop-Culture Phenomena...

"Back in the garij with my bullshit detector..."

-Joe S. from Garij-land

Ah. Ahh. Ahh. At last. More Poop. This week's phenomena: 3 pieces of trash… 3 pieces of treasure…

Maury: King of Mystery

NOTE: Lie-Detectors are not, by any means, foolproof. For instance, a slightly intelligent psychopath can easily beat one. (About 1 in every 100 people are psychopathic) Their physical readings won't show because many of them do not experience anxiety like a regular-brained person. At least, not in a way that a lie detector can detect. On Maury, you often see guys protesting the results of the lie test. When they pass, how come you never see his girl say "I don't care. You probably beat that shit, ya lyin'-ass muthafucka!"? Maybe they're terrified. Maybe this is edited out to preserve the integrity of Maury's tester. Any test, that is administered by a human being can be flawed. Perfection is impossible. DNA is a different story. If it's yer frogmen, it's yer frogmen, dudes.
You ARE the deadbeat.

What a show! You can't get much closer to the spirit of a good, old fashioned public stoning, beheading or a nice burning at the stake without breaking human rights laws. Although most guests probably leave the show physically unscathed, their souls and psychologies are often mutilated. We all laugh at it. The catch is that each and every one of these "victims" are volunteers. Like the snake people in Conan. They called 1-800-MAURY or whatever. Then, if they are fucked up enough to get picked to appear, they will, for Maury's cameras, smear themselves and often their friends' and families' shit-stained drawers all over that stage for millions to witness. What fun would it be without an entire studio audience there too, to jeer, howl, and humiliate them? No damn fun at all, Maury. It's OK because most of them are total morons, which is the main reason we all laugh. Thanks Maury. Your show is the greatest thing about being an unemployed pile of shit.       

Oh Shit! Did I Sit in Shit?

The Co-opting of Japanese TV is something America has been doing since Astro Boy. (1963) My nerdliness  prevents me from enjoying some of these Americanized versions of the Japanese shows. This is especially true of Sasuke and Kunoichi, what we now know in the US as Ninja Warrior. (Also true of 'Beat' Takeshi's Castle known in the US as MXC) One of the coolest things about a show like this (besides the obvious acrobatics and slapstick) is the Japanese Announcer. The frantic staccato of Japanese as it was exclaimed by the very apt Hatsuta Keisuke. I have never ever heard an MC more stoked than that anywhere, TV or otherwise. The American version sucks. There's nothing more to say about it. 

Last year, in Japan, I probably watched about 50+ hours of TV. I figured out what the problem was with the American rip-offs, besides the fact that they were only rip-offs to begin with. It wasn't just the announcer. It was the people. The people of Japan were by far the highlight of my tourism there. They are weird, ingenious and 99% of them are extremely kind, polite and helpful. That's why the American version will always suck. It lacks the Japanese contestants, the crowds at Midoriyama, their language and spirit. This is what made the original programs so enjoyable in the first place. They were exotic, hilarious, creative, and the right kind of violent. (Stooges kind.) 

Oh Sit! is another American, Japanese-style show. It is based on Musical Chairs. Instead of calling it Oh Shit!, they've called it Oh Sit! They're being dirty while staying clean. Like an overpriced whore who just wants to jack you off with a glove. Isn't that clever of them? I'm sure if I got one of Jamie Kennedy's paychecks from this sit by accident, I would totally sit myself. This sit is stupit.

   

NordicTrack X9

Just the fact that it's called the X9 should have you spunking yourself with Xtreme Xer-citement. Secret agent, P.W. Herman's top secret, experimental bike was only the X1. Damn. If you fear the outside world, there are no hills at all in your town, and you feel the need to watch a stedicam walk through Central Park for you, you should waste the $1200 bucks this ridiculous waste of space costs. There are so much cheaper ways to burn flab off of the human body... 

Instead, go get a dog. Adopt one. (about $200 and $10 or less a week for food.) Then walk around with the dog. If you fear the outside world, a big mutt can deter a possible assailant. If there are no hills in your town, put your dog in your car and go to a place where some hills are. Then walk around there with your dog. If you need stedicam footage of Central Park etc you can get it for way less than $1200.

Don't want a dog? You could also buy a bike (only $200-$300 for a good used one) and ride it around. This is actually really fun. If you don't have enough money for a dog, a ride to the hills, or a bike, there is no way you should be investing in home gym equipment. For $1200, you could probably go to a lot of the places on that dumb little screen, only for real. Gillian Michaels wouldn't be yelling at you and virtually slapping your ears with her big ol' nut sack the whole time, neither.

"Have you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?"

-The Joker

Rifftrax & Cinematic Titanic: The Satellite Has Landed

In the not too distant past, Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson, Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, Frank Coniff, Bill Corbett, Jim Mallon, Mary Jo Pehl and J. Elvis Weinstein were stars on KTMA's, Comedy Central's and eventually SyFy's epic cult cinema program, Mystery Science Theater 3000. (see post 11) Today, these members of Riff Royalty are divided into 2 camps. 

1- Rifftrax
(LINK) Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett. Mostly these are available as MP3/4 tracks you can play over movies you own, rent or stream. Much like when you play Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon and the score from The Wiz. Trippy mane. The tiny downside to this is the mildly inconvenient task of lining up the audio with the video. The emense upside is that any movie can be riffed without the tedious and sometimes very expensive task of obtaining the rights to it. Some of them can be downloaded from their site. Some Rifftrax are also available as DVDs. Some are performed live, possibly at a theatre near you…

Best Tracks:

Roadhouse

Jurassic Park (hosted by Mike Nelson and Weird Al Yankovic)

The Twilight Series

Star Wars Series (Including the Life Day Special)

The Matrix Series

Best Vids

Viva Knievel! (NEW)

Cool As Ice

The Shorts- Probably one of the best parts of MST3K were the times when Mike/Joel and the bots were forced to watch so-called educational films and shorts. Rifftracks keeps this going with tons of these. The DVD collections of them have some great names too, like "The Wide World of Shorts", "Rifftrax Plays with their Shorts" and "Shortstoberfest."

Torchlit Titanic

2- Cinematic Titanic
(LINK) The Titans: Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Coniff, Mary Jo Pehl and J. Elvis Weinstein. This a fully artist-produced project. Like the original MST3K, it was conceived by Joel. Primarily a live show, Cinematic Titanic also has DVD's that feature their performances. I have yet to see them live, but I have seen the video of them riffing The Alien Factor. Fantastic. Titacular. They will be on tour again, this Summer. (LINK)

The Satellite of Love landed back on Earth a while ago. The Best Brains crew have been doing their hilarious AV mischief for over 20 years now. They all continue to be funny and inventive because they are all weird, which results in creativity.

(TV's Bonus: Check out TV's Frank as Jor El: LINK) 

Major Wattage

YouTube Jewel: Reggie Watts Be Fuckin'

Part of the New Super Comedy Badass Justice Team known as JASH (LINK), and as honorably-mentioned before (post 33) in reference to Comedy Bang! Bang! Reggie Watts' new track, If You're Fuckin', You're Fuckin', is fuckin' awesome. Reggie is obviously a fuckin' comic-sonic genius of some kind. His music fuckin' reminds me a little of Outkast and Rahzel with some Bobby McFerrin fuckin' seasoning. Though any attempt to classify his style is fuckin' futile. It's completely its own fuckin' thing. Plus it has some crazy Germanglish fuckin' rhymes and some hot dancers many of you probably wouldn't mind fuckin'. Fuckin' RAD! Respect. Watch dat shit: LINK!

"If you're fuckin', then you're probably havin' some sex."

-Reggie Watts

Fuck on, ya'll.

-2013 Wielgorecki

44 The Comedy: Awesome Film

The Comedy

Now Streaming on Netflix

Almost everything ahead of its time is attacked by critics when it is released. 2012's The Comedy was no exception. It was a swiftly well-crafted production. Tim Heidecker's performance is super-high-caliber, particularly when you think about how few takes he probably had. Unfortunately because it is misunderstood, the reviews this film have received are unreasonably horrible. Let's just examine one of these petty reviews that unfairly tries to shit on Rick Alverson's film. The review up for review (LINK) was written by one Kevin Kelly. He apparently felt very frustrated, and misled by The Comedy. Kevin's review is especially ignorant. I will now shit on it.

To quote Kelly directly on "the filmmakers behind The Comedy":

(apparently he doesn't even know who that is) 

"…the only Comedy is the feeling that the filmmakers are laughing at you behind your back."

-They weren't. That's just your self-absorption acting up. This type of absorption is not like a Spongebob. It is more like a diaper that is never, ever changed.

   

"The entire movie feels like an inside joke, one that the audience is the butt of."

-I guarantee you Rick Alverson has no idea who you are and probably doesn't give a fuck what you thought of his film. If he did he'd probably be glad it made you feel like a joke.

Kelly also gives himself a "quota of 3 quotes" for his article. (?) Here they are.

1. The George Bush "Fooled me" comment. (overused and unfunny since at least 2006)

2. PT Barnum- "There's a sucker born every minute." (also unimaginative and overused)

3. Mark Twain- "Persons attempting to find motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot." He goes on from there to say:

" While I'm not hoping that a bullet finds me for muddling through this movie and writing a review, it might have been sweet relief about halfway through watching it if I had been prosecuted."

Wait. What? You would rather be cited, sued or locked up than watch half a movie you're unable to understand? Even though you're getting paid to watch it? Was that just to accommodate your Twain quote? I am sure it was. I'm also sure that you were more concerned with trying to make yourself sound clever, than you ever were with creating an honest, artistic critique of a movie you just didn't get. It may have taken some months to get to you, but it's time to bite that bullet, Kev. Your prolapsed rectum of a review sucks more than any movie there is or ever will be. Remember what Mark says:

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt."  

If you saw it, and paid attention, this movie was not a comedy. At least, not as we knew them before it. This was an inventive psych/drama with comedy in it. Rick Alverson isn't just laughing at certain members of his audience, he's created a film that explores a perpetual detritus in its subject's anima as it seeps into his persona. Swanson's trip is almost the psychological equivalent of watching a reptile trying to emerge from its egg. We witness his tourism to the edge of sociopathy. Thankfully, without ever seeing him cross all the way over.

All the comedic improvisation in The Comedy is really funny. This is thanks especially to the performances of Tim, Eric, James Murphy, and Greg Turkington. The purpose of the overall film isn't really to amuse. More so, it aims to disturb. There is an air of menace fueled by a desparate emotional emptiness that seems to underscore the entire movie. The comedy provided by these ingenious improvisors ventilates this air just enough to breathe. Much like "There Will Be Blood", it is a unique character study, and a very dark one at that.    

In its lighter moments, The Comedy also delightfully skewers the shitty hipster society of the Bedford L crowd in NY. As a man who is loathe of almost all things Billyburg (except maybe SEA & Barcade), I especially enjoyed how these stabs were thrust. Especially the scene with Swanson & friends riding 10-speeds around with their token Pabst tall-boys. It's definitely not intended to flatter the shit-dipsters. It holds up a mirror to the face of a sad, empty, spoiled, honkyfied, self-important subculture made up primarily of privilaged, homogenous poseurs and pussies. Fantastically done.  

Unlike many of the reviewers who tried to shit all over The Comedy, I loved it and I am not paid to write this review. I am writing this in the interest of giving artistic credit where it is due. I will agree there are parts of this movie that are difficult to watch. (Most notably, Heidecker's drunk mangina in the opening scene.) Its best rewards are saved for the die-hard Tim and Eric fans in the form of some hilarious improv bits. The Comedy takes a shit on deserving cultural phenomena, and despite its disturbing undercurrent, is an excellent work of art. Eventually, it may be required viewing for all film students. Awesome Movie, Great Job!

-2013 Wielgorecki

43 NerdPostXclusive: Arcade Archives

Superman

Taito had too many Arcade Hits to count. Space Invaders, Elevator Action, Bubble Bobble, Rampage, Operation Wolf, Rastan, Arkanoid, Darius, Chase HQ, Bust A Move- to name just 10. Today we're looking at Superman. Really, it should be called Supermen because it is a 2 player game. In Superman, Superman's brother Travis comes to help him save Earth from peril.

This one was tucked away in the lobby of a movie theater in my home town. This was that theater that wasn't inside the mall. It was pretty far out in the fucking parking lot. Built mostly because it was undoubtedly cheaper than adding on to the mall's internal ones, it had a decent mini Arcade up front. Plus, it was kinda cool when you came out of a late movie there and the mall was closed. It would feel like you were getting out of a movie theater on Mars. Superman is a perfect game to kill short periods of time. Fun for its simple playability as well as its novelty, it's easy to pick up and put down when something more important comes up.

Hancock? HANCOCK?? Hancock fuckin' sucks.

Because I am not made of the brains and patience to, someone who is should hack a version where Richard Pryor jumps on your back when you collect enough power-ups. He'd be in that giant cowboy hat and would blast surrounding enemies with a six-shooter. There could also be a bonus stage where you play as the black-booted, drunk, sleazy Superman. Maybe there is even an invulnerability cheat if you press Up, Up, and the A button, after you insert coin. You'll hear a voice say "Das Zupaman!!" This unlocks a Superman with a giant Nietzche head that takes 0 damage from all hits. I could go on and on about just Superman III, let alone the vast Superman character mythology. Those are other posts. Maybe. Superman. Dat Ho. Down the hatch. Up up and away.
Until next time, Superfriends.

-2013 Wielgorecki