"Happy Valentines Yawl."
-From Paula Deen, Mayonaise, the Dirty South, and Butter.
Best of the Beasts
There was a condor at a hockey game this week. Also, Rocky the Mountain Lion from the Denver Nuggets won the Mascot Hall of Game. Don't you love news like that? Animals are always so much cooler than celebrities…
Today's Music, Muted
I turned on the Grammys for 5 seconds before I realized: "Mute the shitty Grammys and play the music from my old computer on shuffle over it." Tunes over my Hammy. I mean Grammy. Who cares. It was way better. Since I watched 'em on HD I could see all the pours on the greasy, greedy faces of the stars. In live TV it's harder to lie with your eyes. The HD really brings out the greed. Especially with the mute effect. You can see the weakness and need so clearly. Some seemed to hang by a thread- their sanities, as fragile as rice paper. No matter what their mouths or faces said…the iris cannot lie.
Now on to breakin' some hips. It's funny to see, on stage, things that look just like the theatrically clothed male and female jerk-offs I saw around Brooklyn 10 years ago. I call 'em shit-dipsters. The same shitty bands that need 500 members on stage to sound loud but not rock. You don't know enough obscure indie bands to try my oreo flavored tequila, beard boy. I'd happily drown a hipster in tub o' Heineken.
"… HEINEKEN? Fuck that shit, Pabst Blue Ribbon."
There were a bunch of bands I was really glad I couldn't hear. A blonde chick had a dress they projected stuff on. Since I couldn't hear her, it was fun to watch her gyrate and seize about with song while Ramones played Glad To See You Go over her. Then, Prince gave an award to some more hipsters while Method Man played Sub Crazy. While the hipsters were talking, Iron Maiden, Killers came on. I thought: "how cool would it be if Eddie came out from behind the curtain and clocked them with a hammer?" Very cool.
Unfortunately, with the sound off, I missed my favorite part of any awards show- the empty banter between presenters that is supposed to be cute, but is really about as cute as a diseased anus, just not as funny.
Oh well, Oscars are soon…
There are a helluva lotuv better things to talk about from TV. Here's 5.
1-Unsealed: Alien Files
It seems that this show's purpose is to mis-inform the lunatic fringe. What a noble pursuit. Fuck this show. It isn't even funny. Ancient Aliens is way better. Yay history channel. Boo fox. Go Aliens!
2-Chuck Norris: Karate Commandos
He's The Octagon, Missing in Action, Delta Force and of course TV's Walker. Once upon a time, in the 80s, there was a Saturday morning cartoon with Chuck Norris ala Mr. T, where he would appear in person to open and close the show. Only this show had Chuck Norris, instead of Mr. T. Another difference was that this was one of the shows that had a toy line released simultaneously. Both GI Joe and Transformers owe much of their success to this type of campaign. It's too bad this show didn't achieve the same success, it would have made a great big budget film.
In the show, Chuck helps kids and has a samurai buddy and a sumo buddy. The bad guys are a chinese mafia guy with a 1982 gold robot claw for an arm, (He's called "Claw") and a gender-confused, afro-asian wrestler with emotional problems called "Super Ninja". The toys are highly emphasized but confusing. There is a weapon that is like a nunchaku with a giant shuriken on one end. Both ends of this sun-chuck, are bright red. Probably made in China. The car is red too, but has a tall, yellow, pop-up spoiler. Most kids would be really mad if they wanted some cool toys for their birthday, but got Karate Commandos instead. In a word, they were horrible.
 |
| Super Ninja: Real Ninjas would fuck this bitch up. |
Children were obviously given too much influence over the toys' design process. It's not Chuck's fault. Chuck is fuckin' Forest Warrior. He'll turn into an owl before he kicks your ass. You'll be thinkin': "Chuck's old. I'm young. I can beat him."Then, while your thinking that, he'll turn into an owl and spin kick your chin out from under you. When you wake up, you'll remember: "Oh yeah. That dude used to spar with Bruce Lee before I was sperm. What the fuck was I thinking?"
3- Invisibe Man TV Show
It was another one of those nights. No sleep. As 5:30am approached and the sureal sun rose thru the blinds, I saw a show that was the only entertainment that could have fit into that weird, time-ether: A British TV series from 1957 based on "The Invisible Man"… whoa. Time for bed.
4- Hawks
That Old Spice ad with Hawks is probably one of the best ads I've ever seen.
5-Tub-away Restaurant
There is a Subway ad now with The Usual Superjocks, Jared (from Subway), and…Kevin from the Office? ("Ooh-check it out, HIRED guy.") Props to Brian Baumgartner for getting healthy. Still, it is weird to hear his real voice talk. Bottom line? Subway is not a restaurant. It's a really crappy deli. How about a zombie one…
Zomb-way, Eat Flesh. (probably already a t-shirt)
"…getting drunk off of XXX. In violent times, I got more rhymes than Valentines. With a violent mind, I blast with a silent 9."
-RZA on Balentines
Stay tuned...
-2013 Wielgorecki
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