21 G.I. JoeTM

If you were a GI JoeTM character, who would you be? I call BeachheadTM.

If you were a CobraTM agent, who would you be? I call FireflyTM.

(Read as Bill Kurtis)

Try to catch me Bubblin' Dirty...

The GI JoeTM franchise goes back a long way. In the 70s, GI JoeTM served as a commando with HasbroTM Company. Once discharged, he briefly returned to civilian life. 

He moved into the town where BarbieTM and KenTM lived. He was actually their mechanic and would regularly bang BarbieTM in the back office of the shop he worked at. KenTM was aware of it but did nothing. KenTM is what we Joes call, a pussy. This adultrous little R&R din't last long for Joe, as he was called back into duty again in the 1980s. This time, to face a new threat. CobraTM: "A ruthless terrorist organization, determined to rule the world." 

Joe couldn't win this war on his own. Even with the kung-fu gripTM and that cool wetsuitTM it just wasn't enough. Things had changed in the infrastructure of the military too. HasbroTM Company was now splintered from the U.S. ArmyTM and was referred to only as GI JoeTM. Joe and the General in command, HawkTM recruited a young soldier named named Take A. Duke. They just called him DukeTM. DukeTM then stole all of the best guys and gals from all the military branches, and gave them cool nicknames too, like JinxTM, Snake EyesTM, SpiritTM and ShipwreckTM.

  

Perhaps jealous of this, CobraTM really stepped it up. They started recruiting crazy-ass terrorists from all over the world. Cobra CommanderTM (who was already totally loaded himself), had an in with this really weird, military dictator with a metal face named DestroTM. Plus, his old lady was a BaronessTM. They pooled their funds and gave their guys awesome gear. It was way fresher shit than the Joes were rockin'. Then they gave them all cool code names after snakes. They even named most of their vehicles after snakes. (Except for the Trouble Bubble, which needs to get its ass on the open market so we can all buy one.)

Eventually, Cobra CommanderTM got way too stressed. At this point, DestroTM and the Commander's psychiatrist, Dr. MindbenderTM, decided he needed to be replaced. They hired a mutant that they made out of the DNA of the most ruthless dictators in history. His name was SerpentorTM, and he always wore this shiny, flaming-gay, all-gold, CobraTM mardi-gras costume. He never, ever took it off. Even when he made urine. To even suggest the costume be washed, was a death sentence. Besides smelling musty and sour in his outfit all the time, SerpentorTM, was also a total prick. DestroTM and Dr. MindbenderTM had no choice but to shrug their shoulders and follow his orders, no matter how mad. 

As for Cobra CommanderTM, some aliens changed him into an actual, giant, yellow CobraTM up at the north pole. He could still talk though. One day, he just showed back up to work, fully human again. Nobody said shit so he just stayed on.

Despite CobraTM's management issues, the war continued to escalate. Battles were fought for freedom over land and air. GI JoeTM now had its own, dedicated aircraft carrier and space program. CobraTM matched them, tit for tit, all the way.      

This never ended. The conflict began around 1983, yet even though it still goes on to this day, and many have been wounded, no one has died. That's because all GI JoesTM and CobrasTM know how to dodge lasers, and always bail from all explosions at the last second. This was all they covered in training. Marksmanship was never properly addressed. In the end, it came down to a war of who had the coolest-looking army. CobraTM won. Hands down. 

There is a new GI JoeTM movie coming out…GI JoeTM: RetributionTM. I have never seen any of the live-action GI JoeTM movies. Maybe I will go see this new one. I've done some reconnaissance. Here's what I've found out…

It has the RockTM in it. No, not the crack-cocaineTM. Dwayne JohnsonTM. Bruce WillisTM plays the aging GI JoeTM. There are also some other actors in it. There are some explosions with real fire in it and Asian martial arts fighting with real Asians and some Australians in it. In the movie the actors say words to each other with their acting mouths. They are shown shooting guns of certain sizes. Various vehicles are driven, as well. It looks like it should be called The GI JoeTM and the Furious 3. Or is it part 4? "It doesn't matter…" 

AmericaTM (ATM) all the way, baby. 

America, fuck yeah™!

Yo, Joe™!

(I thought that T.M. meant Towel Movement. I pictured TowelieTM taking public poops and holding a sign that read: "Don't forget to towel your bowel." Actually it means trademark. Now that's just crazy.)

-2013 A Real American Weirdo