"Now dat's class-" i tell myself, peeling an orange over a newspaper ad that's draped over my thigh. My dog walks in from the bedroom with a pizza crust in his teeth. Clever fellow. I haven't eaten any pizza for at least a month, at least, not in bed. Don't judge me. Don't judge lest ye be judged, and don't worry. I won't hurt myself falling as I get off MY high horse. My horse is a different kind of high, but at least he's not high on horse. That makes horsey not run good. Tonight the unwashed may touch the golden. It's a magical night that masturbates itself all up with fanfare. It's a way for those who live to take, to take a little more.
It's Oscar night.
Now that we've all gotten bored of watching that meteor. We turn our attention to the stars. Fuck. They really, really need it. Really, really, really bad...
I love movies. I'm not going to talk about any nominated movie or person in this year's big pig and bologna show, though. No one deserves to be rewarded for acting anymore. The fact is that, today, acting isn't really work. Unless you take it (and yourself) too seriously, it's just adult play. There's just not much to it. If you're good, you're good. If you're not, you're porn. Today, it's not much more than sitting in a luxurious trailer, eating bad-ass, custom snacks, stroking,oneself or getting stroked, and taking little breaks, in costume, to play pretend in front of a camera. Kids play pretend all the time. Why not give them an award? "You really got into pretending to kill those zombies in the backyard today, Timmy. Since it was so believable, here's a statue of a shiny, gold, nude eunuch. Good Job."
If you act, and you miss real applause, be a real actor and do some improv or live theater. Also, back to the point, famous people get everything free. Food at the best restaurants, cars, dozens of iPods and free passage all over the world. With all the privilege and free shit they get, do they really deserve a whole night to take up our home televisions with their glorified, super-wide, jerk-circle?
The Congressional Medal of Honor is a real award. The Oscars are not really awards. Maybe they didn't start out that way, but that doesn't matter anymore. I briefly befriended an actual agent from a major acting agency in 2003. She explained everything to me. Every aspect of everything is always predetermined by Hollywood and New York's combined "entertainment mafias". Not just at the Oscars, but, in all big-budget filmmaking, Broadway, and network TV too. Every major release is another dice roll to the movie industry capos. You never hold an Oscar in your hand, until you first accept him into all your holes. Actors want the award, because, in the end, it means more. More everything. Increased freedom. Everyone wants that…And so, the monkeys dance.
It is a world-culture election. Who's face will be THE face? I'm not sure who's up for any of the Oscars this year. I never watch them. I don't care if you know how to suck your own dick. Don't show me. Why someone would want to watch that for 4+ hours with tons of loud-ass ads is beyond me. I'm not even sure who most famous people are these days. There's always a bunch of new blonde hicks who sucked the right dicks. There are some brunettes too, and a bunch of famous peoples' relatives and kids. Big deal.
 |
| This man has no penis. |
But seriously, folks…
My favorite things to watch are the spooky, satanic-conspiracy-theory videos about Hollywood on YouTube. These are made mostly by lone-nuts (Like me- but way further gone.), and crazy religious zealots. They are hilarious in their reaching, but, I must give all their uploaders credit for creativity. They would have you believe that beyond the business end of the entertainment mafias, there are much darker things afoot than just greed and exploitation. Dark, as in the devil's anus-hole, dark. C'mon, now. We all have movies we love and movies we hate. With or without accolades, aren't some movies just kind of indisputable? I'm all for the progression of the arts, especially film. The Oscars have nothing to do with that, no matter how hard they try and act like they do. I just think some things can never be beaten. (i.e. good bacon, a well-timed fart, orgasms etc.) Here's a list of, what I consider to be, some indisputable films.
The Indisputables:
Best Martial Arts: Enter The Dragon
Best Millitary: The Great Escape.
Best Action: Road Warrior/Die Hard/First Blood/Raiders of the Lost Ark/The Warriors. (5 way TIE)
Best Action/Adventure: The Good The Bad and The Ugly.
Best Sci Fi: Return of the Jedi/The Day The Earth Stood Still. (The OG versions. Apple vs. Orange TIE.)
Best Crime: Goodfellas.
Best Fantasy: The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy.
Best Romance: The Big Sleep.
Best Drama: Godfather 1 & 2. (TIE)
Best Horror: The Shining.
Best Sports: Rocky.
Best Suspense: No Country for Old Men/North by Northwest. (TIE)
Best Western: High Plains Drifter.
Hall of Fame: Billy Curtis
I don't know about you, but my favorite character in High Plains Drifter was the little sheriff sidekick, played by legendary little person, Billy Curtis. In 1938, Billy first starred in an all little-people western called The Terror of Tiny Town. He then played a Munchkin in 1939's The Wizard of OZ. Judy Garland once made an infamous comment about how the Munchkins were a bunch of "little drunks". Talk about glass houses…in fact, the basis of her comment was Billy. Supposedly, he wouldn't stop hitting on her.** Too bad there isn't any record of the specific pick up lines he used. I bet they were phenomenal.
Billy's worked with everyone from Alfred Hitchcock and Gary Cooper, to Ronald McDonald and the Hamburgler. Ever wonder what ever happened to Mayor McCheese? Billy also played the McDonaldtown Mayor until his death, at which point Mickey D's retired the character.**
(**source: IMDB: Billy Curtis-trivia.)
Tonight, we honor Billy Curtis as the 1st recipient of The Indisputables Hall of Fame Award. Way cooler than any other award ever given to anyone for anything. I can't believe his IMDB page doesn't even have a profile pic. Disgusting. He's too important to be forgotten. That's Hollywood. I guess you can't really get mad at the lizard when it eats the baby bird. Wait, sure I can. Fuck you, lizard. Hold on, I'm gonna kick it over a fence. This is only one. 20 will take its place.
I remember this guy I was in high school with. When he was a sophomore or junior, he had this freshman that he called his sidekick. Right to his face, all the time. I remember thinking it was funny, but feeling bad for the kid. I could tell he hated that shit, but, he was just too small to beat my loud friend's ass. The point is that all sidekicks deserve a moment in the sun to shine.
In High Plains Drifter, Billy's character is not only made sheriff, but also Mayor of the town of Hell. Now that's a hero who treats his sidekick well. What if they'd reversed Clint and Billy's roles? What if the little guy was the Drifter from the get-go? Wouldn't that've been awesome? Shooting those 3 dudes in the barber shop in the beginning? They should have shot it like that. Just one time. Just that scene. For fun.
Fuck politics. Clint still kicks ass!
"$500 a head?"
"$500 an ear."
"Done."
…and done.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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Sidekick Sidebar:
Here's some simple guidelines you can use when selecting a Sidekick. Execute a straight sidekick. Hold it. Have someone measure the distance between your extended leg and the floor. Your Sidekick must not exceed this height. Remember, they have to be tiny. They need to be able to get in or out of places you can't. Although dumb sidekicks are popular, it is better to go with a smart one. Loyalty is obviously the most important quality a sidekick must possess. Treat your sidekick well and let them know they are appreciated. Before you know it, you will wonder how you ever did without one.
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