A Very Turdy Triple Feature +2
"....no DICE????"
Looper (2012)
Looping around in a poorly-written, time-toilet…It's LOOPER!
Fuck the movie Looper. It's a fuckin' pooper. 'Nuff said.
Instead, Loop Judas Priest…
Song- The Sentinel. Album- Defenders of the Faith. Loop1- 4:30-4:42. Loop2- 0:00-0:23
Song- Demonizer. Album- Angel of Retribution. Loop3- 0:00-0:06. Loop4- 0:00-to the ass-end of 0:11.
Seriously loop that. It's crazy how great that shit is.
Don't believe me?
Loop it.
Oh, and fuck the movie Looper. They should call it Stupor.
Gimme sopor.
Darkman 2 - Darker-man (1995)
He's like Robin Hood…for science.
He's not Liam Neeson…this time.
He's part the Phantom of the Opera, and part the Batman villain, False-Face.
Plus, he has the strength of a Mummy, is uglier than Freddy Kruger and has the ability to make little photosensitive masks out of shit that dissolves in an hour.
You may remember the part in the first movie where Darkman takes his old lady to the fair and wins her a prize at a carnival game. After he freaks out and breaks the barker's fingers, you get to watch Liam Neeson tell Frances McDormand to"take the fucking elephant." a tough act to follow.
This sequel to the 1990 classic, pits Darker-man vs his nemesis from the first film, Robert G. Durrant (aptly played by the late Dr. Giggles). Durrant was a thriving, racketeering entrepreneur and finger collector until one day Darkman blew him up in a helicopter as we all saw in part 1. Now, Durrant's been resurrected as some sort of franken-gangster, as a treat, he goes out and gets himself a shiny new laser cannon. Ultra-violent hi-jinks ensue.
If the guy who became Darkman, Darker-man, and eventually, Die Darkman Die, was such a smart scientist how come he never figured out how to carry a bunch of those masks in light-tight boxes or bags? If he did that in the 1st movie, he could bring like 20 masks and change into them in bathroom stalls. He could even bring a pocket mirror to make sure his face was on straight. I guess he was just a really dumb scientist. A total failure. Who invents fake skin for burn patients that disintegrates in the sun? Dr. Darkman, that's who, the dumbest ass doctor who ever dropped a dark deuce. Fuck you, you dark- dreaming, dank, dershy derde.
Project: Human Weapon aka Mindstorm (2001)
Judge (My name is Judge) Reinhold, some chick who looks like she's Fiona Apple's hotter sister, but isn't, and the blonde bad guy from Karate Kid 1 are in it. It's not really sure, but it thinks it may be about some super soldier dude who gets out from the science facility that created him blah blah BLAH. It's a damn masterpiece. No better film will ever been made. The dude shoots computer-animated waves from his head. These gnarly waves stop all bullets and can even crash computer-animated military vehicles while shitty eastern-blok techno music is played. There are a lot of great accents too. Even better than watching "The Room" in a $5000 suit… COME ON!
+1 shitty guest: Iron Sky (2012)
They're Nazis on the Moon…
They like make things go boom…
UGHHHHHHHHH...
Put on this movie. FFWD 41min in. Hit play. Watch. Laugh. Turn it off.
+1 myth: Bucky Larson (2011)
Nick Swardson is an awesome stand up comic who was really funny, slurpin' sunscreen in Benchwarmers and screwin' an old slut in Grandma's Boy. He was a regular guest on Reno 911 before getting his own show, Pretend Time, which is also awesome, raunchy and funny as hell.
Bucky Larson is a movie about a male porn star with a tiny dick who cums really, really fast. Pretty far-fetched. You'd be better off if you watch the sequential South Park episodes of "You're Getting Old" and "Ass Burgers" from season 15 before you give this film a watch. That's all I'm going to say.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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