"Don't touch me, 'cause I'm electric, and if you touch me…you'll get SHOCKED."
-ADRock
Twilight Zone: Lee vs. Lee
No, it's not Jet Lee vs Bruce, as cool as that would be. This Lee vs Lee took place in a little corner of space/time, on a set, out in the old west, in the Twilight Zone. This Lee vs. Lee features Marvin vs VanCleef. Season 3 Episode 7 "The Grave". I thought, how many times, in the history of martial arts, has a Lee faced another Lee? Probably a shit-ton. Here's some Lee vs. Lee matches I would arrange if I had my own time-travelling phone booth, Delorian, Wardrobe, or Scary Door...
Bruce v Jet - Like watching two komodos fight in FFWD. But humans, and not in FFWD. Know what I'm sayin'? Heheh. This fight would be so awesome. Uh!
Geddy v Jerry - piano honky tonk gunfire vs. synth bass minstrel wizardry. Hey, DJ Connor, put those records on.
Rush Hour v Enter the Dragon - So. Lee from Rush Hour has pistol skills, but pistols aren't even allowed on Han's Island. So what? Everyone has always wanted to see Bruce and Jackie square off. Because of time, and the strange nature of Chinese celebrity, they never did. Not even. In the Twilight Zone…
General v General - The car, piloted by the Duke boys vs. General Robert E. On horseback, with guns o' course. Enough talk. I think Rockstar Games could arrange this duel better than anyone.
To conclude, Dan Aykroyd did the best Rod Serling.
 |
| "Submitted for your approval..." |
The Biggest Crybaby…I mean Loser
One reason fat people cry so much is because many of them have hormonal imbalances. The hormone estrogen makes you cry. The hormone testosterone makes you pissed. Another reason fat people cry is that some of them have emotional imbalances. Sometimes this is from outside victimization, sometimes it is from self-victimization, or a combination. As people gain fat, their fat bodies are not as efficient at breaking down sugars and thus, converting calories into energy. Fat people are also prone to atrophy and bruise more easily. Being fat can kill you. It can inflame your organs and injure your resistance to disease. To cure fatness, you have to move your body around a lot, sweat a lot, you have to eat more nutrient dense fiber, less complex sugars and oil, and you have to do this for a really long time. Maybe the rest of your life. Sometimes when a fat person gets thinner they have some extra skin left over in flap form. So there's that too.
Flaps or no flaps, I think we're all ready for the next season of "Them Big Fat Losers". The trainers will be turning up the insanity, yet another notch. BAM! A single cloth diaper will be the only clothing permitted. BAM! No living quarters. Just a hot, locking, wooden box in a sand pit. BAM! Crying will not be tolerated. Any crying will cause you to receive a beating. A beating consists of that Gillian chick in only a gimp-mask, screaming at you and beating the shit out of you with her penis while you are tied up like that lawyer dude from Seven. BAM! BAM!
"Talkin' trash to the garbage around you."
-Beck
Daytime Douche: Colin Faerill on Ellen
Colin looked just like this guy I punched in the stomach back in 1993. Same hair. Same kinda clothes. Same demeanor. Different eyebrows. I didn't really need to punch him. It was a silverbackish ape situation. If I hadn't, like Colin, I would've been labeled a dumb pussy all my life. Bottom line? Everyone wants to punch Colin. Go suck off an old potato in the rain, you vacuous, Irish bug.
-Disclaimer: I love Ireland and the Irish people. They make up about 70% of my DNA. The Irish people have contributed a lot of wonderful food, comedy, literature, theater, music and most importantly, booze to the world. Except for Colin. His personality is exactly the same as a stinging hot Irish beer shit with no personality of its own. It just takes on the properties of that Irish beer you drank, doesn't bother to really digest them and sputters them forth from an intellect like a simian's septic undercarriage. Most Irishmen could kick Colin's ass. I'll leave it to ye.
-Disclaimer part 2: I love Ellen DeGeneres. She's The Generous. She is a loving, kind genius. She deserves better than to have to talk to muddy rat scabs, like Faerill.
Local Ad: Rocky's Rollin'
What's up with that Rocky's Autos Ad that's him dressed as Uncle Sam at a rave? Is that an old one? It is on every 10 minutes. The production values are astounding. I think it's the tops. Do you think Rocky does a lot of MDMA? Probably not. I bet he does a lot of Mushrooms. He does look a lot like Mario.
Rock on, Rocky! Rave out. Rock n' troll.
BMW Ad
"The Thrill of Victory, and the Agony of…wait. How's that go again?"
Uh, it's defeat. Maybe you were up on your cloud, and they didn't come up there and tell you. A defeat is like when you fuck up and have to recall more than half a million units. Yup, I'd call that a big fat defeat. Cram it up yer tailpipe, Beemer.
Joan Rivers Kicks Ass
I'm speaking specifically about her (rerun?) appearance on Letterman Tuesday night. 12 toes! An Ugg bra? She's a genius. Probably the best female comedian of all time. Who's better? Paula Poundstone? Yeah right. Joan is the first bad girl of comedy. There are tons of awesome female comedians out there. Joan could riff 'em all, up one side, and down the other. They would cry, not just out of the emotional pain caused by Joan's wits of fury, but with laughter, at themselves, and flattery, at the honor of being slammed by the master. Slam on, ma'am. We love it.
"Naked is a state of mind."
-Luscious Jackson
-2013 Wielgorecki
No comments:
Post a Comment