4 Wet Fart Warriors
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| Ghost Warrior & Homeboy: They don't know where they're goin', but they sure know where they've been. |
Ghost Warrior
If you've ever read Ronin (1983) by Frank Miller, or watched Samurai Jack, you don't really need to see this movie. Fish out of water. Frozen Caveman. Warrior lost in time. Puh. Also, if you are wanting to see cool swordplay or semi-decent martial arts coreography, look elsewhere. But, if you want to laugh at the worst, least-tough-lookin' henchmen you've ever seen (maybe in film history) check it out.
Peaceful Warrior
Don't watch this movie. It is a film based on the biographical, philosophical sports book of a similar name by Dan Millman. The book was excellent. Dan Millman is cool too. The movie was directed by Victor Salva, who also did Powder, and the Jeepers Creepers series of films. Who cares? Salva is a pederast. He likes to fuck boys.
Never, ever go see his movies.
Far be it from me to be the morality police. I don't really even like most kids. I just really hate people who hurt and fuck kids. Castrate 'em all. I would never, knowingly, give those pieces of shit my money. Sadly, almost every time you buy a movie ticket, you are likely funding at least one pedophile. There's no business like show business, eh? Vice magazine's Charlie Graham-Dixon elaborates further on Salva, in this article: LINK. I mean, just LOOK at that fucker. This is making me mad. Next poopie movie, please.
Berzerker: Hell's Warrior
"Would you like some making fuck? BERZERKER!" Eat your heart out, Lord of the Rings, it's Hell Warrior, now. This is one of those movies that really draws you into it. All of the acting done by all the thespians involved in Berzerker: Hell's Warrior, is absolutely top of the line. No more dramatic and convincing performances have ever been filmed because they do not exist. Only watch this if you really want to feel like you have travelled back in time, to Vikingland, with all the Viking people and shit that's from the Viking times in it. It is so authentic.
I laughed, I cried, I thought a lot about giving Kari Wuhrer a torchlit bath...
13th Warrior
When I'd heard that an NYPD officer was accused of attempted cannibalism earlier this week, I was reminded of Brett Easton Ellis's chapter on it. "Tries to Cook and Eat Girl" I believe it was called. One of the sickest gross-out pieces of literature in existence. 13th Warrior is based on the speculative historical book "Eaters of the Dead" by legendary sci-fi novelist and screenwriter, Michael Crichton. This movie is surprisingly forgettable. The characters are well acted. (For real this time.) It is based on a fantastic piece of fiction, and has good production values. Compared to the book, it is just sort of vague.
It could be great as a series. Well written novels, tend to be better as series. Like James Clavell's Shogun. The most successful example of this is probably Dexter. Just imagine if they tried to cram season 1 of Dex into feature length. It would have still been pretty cool. It just wouldn't have had the same momentum. The storytelling would have suffered. It would never have been as successful a franchise as it has become. I think the uncensored, premium channel TV series is the best possible way for novels to be accurately rewritten into screenplays. I know that History Channel's Vikings is one of the most popular shows on TV right now. Eaters of the Dead is still an awesome tale. It just needs the old "original series" treatment. Bon Appetite.
-2013 Wielgorecki
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