23 Oscars: The Politics of Enforcing Acclaim

"Now dat's class-" i tell myself, peeling an orange over a newspaper ad that's draped over my thigh. My dog walks in from the bedroom with a pizza crust in his teeth. Clever fellow. I haven't eaten any pizza for at least a month, at least, not in bed. Don't judge me. Don't judge lest ye be judged, and don't worry. I won't hurt myself falling as I get off MY high horse. My horse is a different kind of high, but at least he's not high on horse. That makes horsey not run good. Tonight the unwashed may touch the golden. It's a magical night that masturbates itself all up with fanfare. It's a way for those who live to take, to take a little more. 

It's Oscar night.

Now that we've all gotten bored of watching that meteor. We turn our attention to the stars. Fuck. They really, really need it. Really, really, really bad...

I love movies. I'm not going to talk about any nominated movie or person in this year's big pig and bologna show, though. No one deserves to be rewarded for acting anymore. The fact is that, today, acting isn't really work. Unless you take it (and yourself) too seriously, it's just adult play. There's just not much to it. If you're good, you're good. If you're not, you're porn. Today, it's not much more than sitting in a luxurious trailer, eating bad-ass, custom snacks, stroking,oneself or getting stroked, and taking little breaks, in costume, to play pretend in front of a camera. Kids play pretend all the time. Why not give them an award? "You really got into pretending to kill those zombies in the backyard today, Timmy. Since it was so believable, here's a statue of a shiny, gold, nude eunuch. Good Job."

If you act, and you miss real applause, be a real actor and do some improv or live theater. Also, back to the point, famous people get everything free. Food at the best restaurants, cars, dozens of iPods and free passage all over the world. With all the privilege and free shit they get, do they really deserve a whole night to take up our home televisions with their glorified, super-wide, jerk-circle?  

The Congressional Medal of Honor is a real award. The Oscars are not really awards. Maybe they didn't start out that way, but that doesn't matter anymore. I briefly befriended an actual agent from a major acting agency in 2003. She explained everything to me. Every aspect of everything is always predetermined by Hollywood and New York's combined "entertainment mafias". Not just at the Oscars, but, in all big-budget filmmaking, Broadway, and network TV too. Every major release is another dice roll to the movie industry capos. You never hold an Oscar in your hand, until you first accept him into all your holes. Actors want the award, because, in the end, it means more. More everything. Increased freedom. Everyone wants that…And so, the monkeys dance.

It is a world-culture election. Who's face will be THE face? I'm not sure who's up for any of the Oscars this year. I never watch them. I don't care if you know how to suck your own dick. Don't show me. Why someone would want to watch that for 4+ hours with tons of loud-ass ads is beyond me. I'm not even sure who most famous people are these days. There's always a bunch of new blonde hicks who sucked the right dicks. There are some brunettes too, and a bunch of famous peoples' relatives and kids. Big deal. 

This man has no penis.

But seriously, folks…

My favorite things to watch are the spooky, satanic-conspiracy-theory videos about Hollywood on YouTube. These are made mostly by lone-nuts (Like me- but way further gone.), and crazy religious zealots. They are hilarious in their reaching, but, I must give all their uploaders credit for creativity. They would have you believe that beyond the business end of the entertainment mafias, there are much darker things afoot than just greed and exploitation. Dark, as in the devil's anus-hole, dark. C'mon, now. We all have movies we love and movies we hate. With or without accolades, aren't some movies just kind of indisputable? I'm all for the progression of the arts, especially film. The Oscars have nothing to do with that, no matter how hard they try and act like they do. I just think some things can never be beaten. (i.e. good bacon, a well-timed fart, orgasms etc.) Here's a list of, what I consider to be, some indisputable films.   

The Indisputables:

Best Martial Arts: Enter The Dragon

Best Millitary: The Great Escape.

Best Action: Road Warrior/Die Hard/First Blood/Raiders of the Lost Ark/The Warriors. (5 way TIE)

Best Action/Adventure: The Good The Bad and The Ugly. 

Best Sci Fi: Return of the Jedi/The Day The Earth Stood Still. (The OG versions. Apple vs. Orange TIE.)   

Best Crime: Goodfellas. 

Best Fantasy: The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy. 

Best Romance: The Big Sleep.

Best Drama: Godfather 1 & 2. (TIE)

Best Horror: The Shining.

Best Sports: Rocky.

Best Suspense: No Country for Old Men/North by Northwest. (TIE)

Best Western: High Plains Drifter. 

Hall of Fame: Billy Curtis

I don't know about you, but my favorite character in High Plains Drifter was the little sheriff sidekick, played by legendary little person, Billy Curtis. In 1938, Billy first starred in an all little-people western called The Terror of Tiny Town. He then played a Munchkin in 1939's The Wizard of OZ. Judy Garland once made an infamous comment about how the Munchkins were a bunch of "little drunks". Talk about glass houses…in fact, the basis of her comment was Billy. Supposedly, he wouldn't stop hitting on her.** Too bad there isn't any record of the specific pick up lines he used. I bet they were phenomenal.  

Billy's worked with everyone from Alfred Hitchcock and Gary Cooper, to Ronald McDonald and the Hamburgler. Ever wonder what ever happened to Mayor McCheese? Billy also played the McDonaldtown Mayor until his death, at which point Mickey D's retired the character.**

(**source: IMDB: Billy Curtis-trivia.)

Tonight, we honor Billy Curtis as the 1st recipient of The Indisputables Hall of Fame Award. Way cooler than any other award ever given to anyone for anything. I can't believe his IMDB page doesn't even have a profile pic. Disgusting. He's too important to be forgotten. That's Hollywood. I guess you can't really get mad at the lizard when it eats the baby bird. Wait, sure I can. Fuck you, lizard. Hold on, I'm gonna kick it over a fence. This is only one. 20 will take its place. 

I remember this guy I was in high school with. When he was a sophomore or junior, he had this freshman that he called his sidekick. Right to his face, all the time. I remember thinking it was funny, but feeling bad for the kid. I could tell he hated that shit, but, he was just too small to beat my loud friend's ass. The point is that all sidekicks deserve a moment in the sun to shine. 

In High Plains Drifter, Billy's character is not only made sheriff, but also Mayor of the town of Hell. Now that's a hero who treats his sidekick well. What if they'd reversed Clint and Billy's roles? What if the little guy was the Drifter from the get-go? Wouldn't that've been awesome? Shooting those 3 dudes in the barber shop in the beginning? They should have shot it like that. Just one time. Just that scene. For fun. 

Fuck politics. Clint still kicks ass!

"$500 a head?"

"$500 an ear."

"Done."

…and done.

-2013 Wielgorecki

========================================================================

Sidekick Sidebar:

Here's some simple guidelines you can use when selecting a Sidekick. Execute a straight sidekick. Hold it. Have someone measure the distance between your extended leg and the floor. Your Sidekick must not exceed this height. Remember, they have to be tiny. They need to be able to get in or out of places you can't. Although dumb sidekicks are popular, it is better to go with a smart one. Loyalty is obviously the most important quality a sidekick must possess. Treat your sidekick well and let them know they are appreciated. Before you know it, you will wonder how you ever did without one.  

22 Toilet Theater Presents...

A Double Deuce Double Feature

…must…remain…stoked… YAAAAAAAHH!!

Crank 2: High Voltage (en español)

If you saw the 1st Crank, (Crank: Crank) you know that the 1st minute of this movie is its coolest one. It's actually a pretty awesome movie for how inane it is. It's really artful, for an action flick. It tells the story of a transporter, who is really stoked. The catch is, that he must always remain in a constant  state of stoked-ness, or die. This is achieved primarily with electricity in the sequel. Since I'd seen both Crank movies a while ago, and it was on Univision, I watched it. 

I liked it even better in Spanish. The horse track sex scene was censored. This kind of shit on the rhythm of the continuity, for me. Otherwise it was fine. (Insert sexy, slow-motion-fo'-me, black chick here.) There's a great, however brief, cameo by Glenn Howerton aka Dennis Reynolds, and, the best character in English or Spanish, is, as always, the long-hair, Asian, Seizure-Guy. What is up with that guy anyway? Also the Asian Crackwhore-Stunt-chick is bad ass. When she gets hit by that car. Crazy. Enjoy Crank responsibly. "Mi Gonna Keep On Lovin' Tu." 

No listenin'...You hear me?!?

Steele Justice (en ingles)

Sounds like a porn, but, thankfully, it isn't. Even though the action scenes are great, the main reason to watch Steele Justice is for the music. (LINK) This Rambo rip-off stars Martin Kove. Most will remember him as the lovable, laughable, Cobra Kai sensei, Sensei John Krese from Karate Kid.  

Kove looks like "The California Beach Rapist", which is a script that I wrote specifically for him. It would've guaranteed a him a Mickey Rourke style comeback if it had been produced. It was to be a period piece, set in 1981. The story would've followed Kove's character- a serial rapist on a spree. Instead of killing his victims, he would beat them nearly to death. His breakdown, splayed for the audience, would've showcased Kove's emotional range. Think American Psycho, 8 years earlier, along the Pacific coastline, with rape instead of possibly, imaginary murder. 

The music in it would've been all Christopher Cross. I was thinking of using the song, "Sailing" in the most disturbing and violent scenes.  I never planned to show any more than Twin Peaks did. It was, after-all, a Made-for TV movie script. That scriptship has long since sailed away. Sorry, Marty.   

Even though he was in First Blood Part 2 (as one of Murdock's goons) I just don't see Kove as a Rambo. I still say Weird Al was the best, other Rambo. Kove is a way better bad guy than a good guy. In his younger days, he fought Big Lou on the old HulkTV series. (Season 1, Episode 3.) That coupled with his iconic status from KK1 alone, proves that Kove is a bad ass. Steele Justice only serves to further galvanize his legend. 

Despite their disparity in originality, Steele Justice and Rambo share a similar message. Vets are rad. Without their devotion and sacrifice, our way of life would have been snuffed out long ago. Just think. Bread lines. No freedom of speech. Remember America, Vets only want one thing: "For our country to love us, as much as we love it."

-John J. Rambo

Thank a Vet sometime. Buy one a beer. It is literally, the least you can do.

-2013 Wielgorecki

21 G.I. JoeTM

If you were a GI JoeTM character, who would you be? I call BeachheadTM.

If you were a CobraTM agent, who would you be? I call FireflyTM.

(Read as Bill Kurtis)

Try to catch me Bubblin' Dirty...

The GI JoeTM franchise goes back a long way. In the 70s, GI JoeTM served as a commando with HasbroTM Company. Once discharged, he briefly returned to civilian life. 

He moved into the town where BarbieTM and KenTM lived. He was actually their mechanic and would regularly bang BarbieTM in the back office of the shop he worked at. KenTM was aware of it but did nothing. KenTM is what we Joes call, a pussy. This adultrous little R&R din't last long for Joe, as he was called back into duty again in the 1980s. This time, to face a new threat. CobraTM: "A ruthless terrorist organization, determined to rule the world." 

Joe couldn't win this war on his own. Even with the kung-fu gripTM and that cool wetsuitTM it just wasn't enough. Things had changed in the infrastructure of the military too. HasbroTM Company was now splintered from the U.S. ArmyTM and was referred to only as GI JoeTM. Joe and the General in command, HawkTM recruited a young soldier named named Take A. Duke. They just called him DukeTM. DukeTM then stole all of the best guys and gals from all the military branches, and gave them cool nicknames too, like JinxTM, Snake EyesTM, SpiritTM and ShipwreckTM.

  

Perhaps jealous of this, CobraTM really stepped it up. They started recruiting crazy-ass terrorists from all over the world. Cobra CommanderTM (who was already totally loaded himself), had an in with this really weird, military dictator with a metal face named DestroTM. Plus, his old lady was a BaronessTM. They pooled their funds and gave their guys awesome gear. It was way fresher shit than the Joes were rockin'. Then they gave them all cool code names after snakes. They even named most of their vehicles after snakes. (Except for the Trouble Bubble, which needs to get its ass on the open market so we can all buy one.)

Eventually, Cobra CommanderTM got way too stressed. At this point, DestroTM and the Commander's psychiatrist, Dr. MindbenderTM, decided he needed to be replaced. They hired a mutant that they made out of the DNA of the most ruthless dictators in history. His name was SerpentorTM, and he always wore this shiny, flaming-gay, all-gold, CobraTM mardi-gras costume. He never, ever took it off. Even when he made urine. To even suggest the costume be washed, was a death sentence. Besides smelling musty and sour in his outfit all the time, SerpentorTM, was also a total prick. DestroTM and Dr. MindbenderTM had no choice but to shrug their shoulders and follow his orders, no matter how mad. 

As for Cobra CommanderTM, some aliens changed him into an actual, giant, yellow CobraTM up at the north pole. He could still talk though. One day, he just showed back up to work, fully human again. Nobody said shit so he just stayed on.

Despite CobraTM's management issues, the war continued to escalate. Battles were fought for freedom over land and air. GI JoeTM now had its own, dedicated aircraft carrier and space program. CobraTM matched them, tit for tit, all the way.      

This never ended. The conflict began around 1983, yet even though it still goes on to this day, and many have been wounded, no one has died. That's because all GI JoesTM and CobrasTM know how to dodge lasers, and always bail from all explosions at the last second. This was all they covered in training. Marksmanship was never properly addressed. In the end, it came down to a war of who had the coolest-looking army. CobraTM won. Hands down. 

There is a new GI JoeTM movie coming out…GI JoeTM: RetributionTM. I have never seen any of the live-action GI JoeTM movies. Maybe I will go see this new one. I've done some reconnaissance. Here's what I've found out…

It has the RockTM in it. No, not the crack-cocaineTM. Dwayne JohnsonTM. Bruce WillisTM plays the aging GI JoeTM. There are also some other actors in it. There are some explosions with real fire in it and Asian martial arts fighting with real Asians and some Australians in it. In the movie the actors say words to each other with their acting mouths. They are shown shooting guns of certain sizes. Various vehicles are driven, as well. It looks like it should be called The GI JoeTM and the Furious 3. Or is it part 4? "It doesn't matter…" 

AmericaTM (ATM) all the way, baby. 

America, fuck yeah™!

Yo, Joe™!

(I thought that T.M. meant Towel Movement. I pictured TowelieTM taking public poops and holding a sign that read: "Don't forget to towel your bowel." Actually it means trademark. Now that's just crazy.)

-2013 A Real American Weirdo

20 A word about the "How to Headbang" post & RUSH.

By RUSH, I mean Canada's band, not the 90's mainliner-glam movie with that emo vampire guy from Lost Boys and Jennifer Jason Leigh. What all those lame-ass ads, shows and movies like "I Love You, Man" all got wrong was that RUSH is only awesome (visually) if you are watching the band perform and it shows Geddy Lee playing bass/synth and singing really, really high pitched notes. It's not awesome or in any way funny when ANY rich actor rocks out to RUSH, ever. Who cares? Shut up. Fuck anyone who rocks RUSH like it's a novelty. They kick ass at music. Die, poop movies. Get the right knight in the limelight: GEDDY FUCKIN' LEE!

When I wrote the verb headbang, as one word (which I prefer) the spell check kept making it say headband…see? It just did it again. That being said, if you wear a headband when you headbang, you will likely lose it.

Bad News Bonus: Sonic Boom! This week, people got stuck at sea on The Great Poo-Cruise. That South-African "Blade Runner" guy shot his reality-TV-star-wife. Then, a big ass meteor hit RUSH-uh. Did you see those videos? What a RUSH. 

RUSH!

 -2013 Wielgorecki

19 How To Become a Metalhead

(read in Lemmy's voice)

1-Dip your impressionable, young braincase in molten Metal. This would ideally be done before puberty is fully realized, but, it is a choice that all who discover Metal for the first time, must make.  

2-While your hair and scalp melt off, and the flesh barbeques away from your skull, you must headbang furiously. The hollow eye-holes in your bone-face will now glow red. Laugh like Skeletor, and use your new eyes to set people on fire and warm the bodies of loose women. You're not like others anymore. Now, whenever your skull-ears hear the sermon of almighty Metal you must always headbang, or otherwise rock out in tribute. Until you… 

3-DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4-An 8 ft. Eddie, dressed in the wind-whipped, reaper's shroud, rows his Mastodon ribcage raft through the slimy, fiery, swampy, muck of the river Styx with a sickle-tipped, pterradactyl wing-bone, oar. He arrives at the shit-shore where you stand. Board the raft without hesitation.

5-Eddie will then row your punk ass to the shore's of Hell's Great Battlefied, where every dead killer fights on in an endless gruesome war. You must hoof it as best you can across this violent span. Move quickly, lest ye be consumed and destroyed by Hell's eternal war. Where all suffer for aye, and none can ever die.

6-A great winged dragon with scaly skin as smooth and black as calf leather lands before you. Climb upon the dragon's back. 

7-Ride the Dragon. It will shoot straight up into Hell's dim, red sky. You will be soaked by the boiling blood and acid mist in the volcanic clouds of ash and filth looming all around you, veined with random, cruel, red lightning. The air is painfully cold against your burned skin. It smells of dry death and excrement. Higher and higher you climb. Until you reach the Hole in the Sky.

8- The dragon leaves you above it, floating on a tiny black plate, high in the eye of Hell's storm. There, isolated, you stand above an abyss. A filthy, clouded, endless pit of green and purple lightning. Smoke billows up from the black on black-lit abyss swirling with wisps that resemble razor sharp spines and swords, beasts, serpents, and flailing whores. Blazing runes spew forth from the invisible bowels of the hole. Spelling out rites of firey torment.

9- Dive in. Abandon all hope. You are now one with the chords and screams of almighty Metal. The fall has changed you. You are stronger now. You climb from the crater you made, drunk with power.                 

10- You can control the molten metal that flows underground. You force it up from asunder to form your own kingdom. Build bunkers and fortresses, conjure an army of minions- you will need them. The lost souls, who infest all of hell, wander the wastes. They will come for you. They live only to consume you…to make you empty, like they are. Only, you are strong now. Fortified with Metal armor skin, lava for blood, and steely unbreakable bones, your demon eyes see much farther. You slaughter all opponents easily, now, no matter their strength, size or ferocity. 

11- So many fall you lose count. You bathe and fuck black valkyries in the blood of your kills in torch-lit pools atop sharp jagged towers of pig iron that you've effortlessly formed from pure hate. Hammered like a nail through the land, pointing up into the crimson, polluted sky. An antenna for war.

12- During one of your murderous orgies, you are poisoned into a deep sleep. One of your fortresses is overtaken. You awaken with anger like an atomic blast. Your fury grows when you find your minions slaughtered. You find your enemies there too, and smile in anticipation of their slaughter. Alone, atop the highest tower, you effortlessly kill thousands with your bare demon hands and teeth.

13- In victory, you lie exhausted atop a heap of undead dead pulp and limbs, still twitching. You lift yourself and stand atop it. A roar leaves your throat that causes dozens of volcanoes to erupt all around you. As your false-kingdom crumbles, You are hurled into the sky. Leathery wings grow from your back. You rocket into Hell's infinite black sky, forever strong and free to serve your master. To reign…over nothing.

Bang your head.

-2013 Wielgorecki

18 Poop-Cupid Phenomena...

"Happy Valentines Yawl."

-From Paula Deen, Mayonaise, the Dirty South, and Butter.

Best of the Beasts

There was a condor at a hockey game this week. Also, Rocky the Mountain Lion from the Denver Nuggets won the Mascot Hall of Game. Don't you love news like that? Animals are always so much cooler than celebrities…

Today's Music, Muted

I turned on the Grammys for 5 seconds before I realized: "Mute the shitty Grammys and play the music from my old computer on shuffle over it." Tunes over my Hammy. I mean Grammy. Who cares. It was way better. Since I watched 'em on HD I could see all the pours on the greasy, greedy faces of the stars. In live TV it's harder to lie with your eyes. The HD really brings out the greed. Especially with the mute effect. You can see the weakness and need so clearly. Some seemed to hang by a thread- their sanities, as fragile as rice paper. No matter what their mouths or faces said…the iris cannot lie.

Now on to breakin' some hips. It's funny to see, on stage, things that look just like the theatrically clothed male and female jerk-offs I saw around Brooklyn 10 years ago. I call 'em shit-dipsters. The same shitty bands that need 500 members on stage to sound loud but not rock. You don't know enough obscure indie bands to try my oreo flavored tequila, beard boy. I'd happily drown a hipster in tub o' Heineken. 

"… HEINEKEN? Fuck that shit, Pabst Blue Ribbon." 

There were a bunch of bands I was really glad I couldn't hear. A blonde chick had a dress they projected stuff on. Since I couldn't hear her, it was fun to watch her gyrate and seize about with song while Ramones played Glad To See You Go over her. Then, Prince gave an award to some more hipsters while Method Man played Sub Crazy. While the hipsters were talking, Iron Maiden, Killers came on. I thought: "how cool would it be if Eddie came out from behind the curtain and clocked them with a hammer?" Very cool.  

Unfortunately, with the sound off, I missed my favorite part of any awards show- the empty banter between presenters that is supposed to be cute, but is really about as cute as a diseased anus, just not as funny. 

Oh well, Oscars are soon…

There are a helluva lotuv better things to talk about from TV. Here's 5.

1-Unsealed: Alien Files

It seems that this show's purpose is to mis-inform the lunatic fringe. What a noble pursuit. Fuck this show. It isn't even funny. Ancient Aliens is way better. Yay history channel. Boo fox. Go Aliens!

2-Chuck Norris: Karate Commandos 

He's The Octagon, Missing in Action, Delta Force and of course TV's Walker. Once upon a time, in the 80s, there was a Saturday morning cartoon with Chuck Norris ala Mr. T, where he would appear in person to open and close the show. Only this show had Chuck Norris, instead of Mr. T. Another difference was that this was one of the shows that had a toy line released simultaneously. Both GI Joe and Transformers owe much of their success to this type of campaign. It's too bad this show didn't achieve the same success, it would have made a great big budget film. 

In the show, Chuck helps kids and has a samurai buddy and a sumo buddy. The bad guys are a chinese mafia guy with a 1982 gold robot claw for an arm, (He's called "Claw") and a gender-confused, afro-asian wrestler with emotional problems called "Super Ninja". The toys are highly emphasized but confusing. There is a weapon that is like a nunchaku with a giant shuriken on one end. Both ends of this sun-chuck, are bright red. Probably made in China. The car is red too, but has a tall, yellow, pop-up spoiler. Most kids would be really mad if they wanted some cool toys for their birthday, but got Karate Commandos instead. In a word, they were horrible.

Super Ninja: Real Ninjas would fuck this bitch up.

Children were obviously given too much influence over the toys' design process. It's not Chuck's fault. Chuck is fuckin' Forest Warrior. He'll turn into an owl before he kicks your ass. You'll be thinkin': "Chuck's old. I'm young. I can beat him."Then, while your thinking that, he'll turn into an owl and spin kick your chin out from under you. When you wake up, you'll remember: "Oh yeah. That dude used to spar with Bruce Lee before I was sperm. What the fuck was I thinking?" 

3- Invisibe Man TV Show 

It was another one of those nights. No sleep. As 5:30am approached and the sureal sun rose thru the blinds, I saw a show that was the only entertainment that could have fit into that weird, time-ether: A British TV series from 1957 based on "The Invisible Man"… whoa. Time for bed.

4- Hawks

That Old Spice ad with Hawks is probably one of the best ads I've ever seen.

5-Tub-away Restaurant

There is a Subway ad now with The Usual Superjocks, Jared (from Subway), and…Kevin from the Office? ("Ooh-check it out, HIRED guy.") Props to Brian Baumgartner for getting healthy. Still, it is weird to hear his real voice talk. Bottom line? Subway is not a restaurant. It's a really crappy deli. How about a zombie one… 

Zomb-way, Eat Flesh. (probably already a t-shirt)   

"…getting drunk off of XXX. In violent times, I got more rhymes than Valentines. With a violent mind, I blast with a silent 9."

-RZA on Balentines

Stay tuned...

-2013 Wielgorecki

17 Toilet Theater Presents...

A Very Turdy Triple Feature +2

"....no DICE????"

Looper (2012)

Looping around in a poorly-written, time-toilet…It's LOOPER!

Fuck the movie Looper. It's a fuckin' pooper. 'Nuff said.

Instead, Loop Judas Priest…

Song- The Sentinel. Album- Defenders of the Faith. Loop1- 4:30-4:42. Loop2- 0:00-0:23

Song- Demonizer. Album- Angel of Retribution. Loop3- 0:00-0:06. Loop4- 0:00-to the ass-end of 0:11.

Seriously loop that. It's crazy how great that shit is.

Don't believe me?

Loop it.

Oh, and fuck the movie Looper. They should call it Stupor.

Gimme sopor.

Darkman 2 - Darker-man (1995)

He's like Robin Hood…for science.

He's not Liam Neeson…this time.

He's part the Phantom of the Opera, and part the Batman villain, False-Face. 

Plus, he has the strength of a Mummy, is uglier than Freddy Kruger and has the ability to make little photosensitive masks out of shit that dissolves in an hour.

You may remember the part in the first movie where Darkman takes his old lady to the fair and wins her a prize at a carnival game. After he freaks out and breaks the barker's fingers, you get to watch Liam Neeson tell Frances McDormand to"take the fucking elephant." a tough act to follow. 

This sequel to the 1990 classic, pits Darker-man vs his nemesis from the first film, Robert G. Durrant (aptly played by the late Dr. Giggles). Durrant was a thriving, racketeering entrepreneur and finger collector until one day Darkman blew him up in a helicopter as we all saw in part 1. Now, Durrant's been resurrected as some sort of franken-gangster, as a treat, he goes out and gets himself a shiny new laser cannon. Ultra-violent hi-jinks ensue.

If the guy who became Darkman, Darker-man, and eventually, Die Darkman Die, was such a smart scientist how come he never figured out how to carry a bunch of those masks in light-tight boxes or bags? If he did that in the 1st movie, he could bring like 20 masks and change into them in bathroom stalls. He could even bring a pocket mirror to make sure his face was on straight. I guess he was just a really dumb scientist. A total failure. Who invents fake skin for burn patients that disintegrates in the sun? Dr. Darkman, that's who, the dumbest ass doctor who ever dropped a dark deuce. Fuck you, you dark- dreaming, dank, dershy derde.

Project: Human Weapon aka Mindstorm (2001) 

Judge (My name is Judge) Reinhold, some chick who looks like she's Fiona Apple's hotter sister, but isn't, and the blonde bad guy from Karate Kid 1 are in it. It's not really sure, but it thinks it may be about some super soldier dude who gets out from the science facility that created him blah blah BLAH. It's a damn masterpiece. No better film will ever been made. The dude shoots computer-animated waves from his head. These gnarly waves stop all bullets and can even crash computer-animated military vehicles while shitty eastern-blok techno music is played. There are a lot of great accents too. Even better than watching "The Room" in a $5000 suit… COME ON!

+1 shitty guest: Iron Sky (2012) 

They're Nazis on the Moon…

They like make things go boom…

UGHHHHHHHHH...

Put on this movie. FFWD 41min in. Hit play. Watch. Laugh. Turn it off.

+1 myth: Bucky Larson (2011)

Nick Swardson is an awesome stand up comic who was really funny, slurpin' sunscreen in Benchwarmers and screwin' an old slut in Grandma's Boy. He was a regular guest on Reno 911 before getting his own show, Pretend Time, which is also awesome, raunchy and funny as hell. 

Bucky Larson is a movie about a male porn star with a tiny dick who cums really, really fast. Pretty far-fetched. You'd be better off if you watch the sequential South Park episodes of "You're Getting Old" and "Ass Burgers" from season 15 before you give this film a watch. That's all I'm going to say.

-2013 Wielgorecki 

16 Miami Vices: Salt Water Reflection-Cocaine Sand

They shine before the golden cash coin diamond headlights and reflect dead slits of light razorback red in the Dexter dank murder dirt. A horsepower coke colt bullet driving through a sweaty night weaving like a water moccasin to the thundering staccato howl of Jan Hammer's synth. 

It is at once the brightest picture and its negative- a place where you'll see the sunrise and sunset everyday. There is a giant eel-like thin strip of turquoise and pink light that lays slithering across the hot, briny, blue water like a glowing G-string. It doesn't matter whether this light is neon or sunset. It shines on in Miami to this day. The juice of an undying fruit. Blood-coke mud lit with gunsmoke sparks in a thousand colors of trouble flashing storms in your face all night long at the Coconut Grove on a Saturday night.  

You've gotten way too close. Your cover's so deep now you can't see where the sun is coming from anymore. You just swim around, barely able to take a breath. You're Vice, motherfucker. 

Crockett

No one with this much supposed combat training:

A-makes so many emotional decisions

B-does this much grandstanding.

C-complains and challenges the orders of superiors so often.

Just saying.

That being said, Don Johnson was perfectly cast as the incorruptible, volatile, boat-dwelling, gator-pet-having, single father, Det. Sonny Crockett. This character called for just the right hybrid of sleaziness and southern charm. What's the difference? Well, I dunno. I DO know that in real life, the Sonny Crocketts of the world, much like the Zack Morrises of the world and the Vance Wanker frat dudes from those frat-dudes-movies of the world are just self-glorifying, exploitive assholes. In America, especially during the 80s, we called these role models.

Guys really wore that z-cavarichi shit. It was a huge part of culture back then whether you wanted it or not. The commercial-broken sideline to a real war was entertaining for America to watch in primetime. In reality these were sad stories that ripped lots of families apart and worse. In the real Miami, police were high and corrupt, real people died and still do. Just the right amount of this melancholy seems to have been micro-dosed into the series. Its Crockett's job as our hero, to be sensitive or cold to these moments according to the sporadic moral compass all undercover motherfuckers probably end up with.  Between the gun-blazin', car-chasin', stern finger-pointin', order-questionin', and outragin'  it sure made for some good watchin'. 

Thanks Don.  

Tubbs

Besides being a both a gifted actor and athlete, Phillip Michael Thomas also recorded music. Some actors are born to play just one role. The role of a lifetime. For PMT this was the character of Det. Ricardo Tubbs. One time he wore an EGOT medallion or something. This apparently stands for Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony- 4 awards that Thomas might've thought were inevitable in 1984 but that have yet to materialize in reality. I don't know about awards, but it is a great show and it wouldn't have been the same without Thomas. Here's some titles he's gets from me without even trying…  

The Lando Calrissian of Miami-based TV Detectives.

The Jermaine Jackson of Prime-Time Action series.* 

The Dion Sanders of Music. (LINK)

Perhaps the tubbiest thing about PMT was his ego. Or as the French say: "egot.."

(*in case you WERE wondering, I'd say Greg Morris from Mission Impossible was the Jacko of primetime action series.)

Two Badass Lieutenants: Edward James Olmos and Gregory Sierra

Like DeNiro & Pachino, it would take a some time before these two powerhouses could reunite on film. It was in The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit- a 1999 sci-fi comedy based on a story by Ray Bradbury. Rad. 

Gregory Sierra- You might remember him as Julio on Sanford and Son, but he gained more fame on The Barney Miller Show as Det. Sgt. Chano Amenquale. He's made  countless other TV appearances over the last 4 decades. He only got to be LT for 4 episodes on Miami Vice. At which point... 

Edward James Olmos- …took the reigns. One of the top-tier, Mexican-American actors of all time. Also, one of the scariest lookin' dudes there is. Most remember him from his intense performances in Stand and Deliver or American Me. He's one of the many mega-famous pros who also did the show.  

Notable guest stars: 

Dennis Farina

Pam Grier

Michael Madsen

Ed O'neil 

Ving Rhames

John Tuturro

Bruce Willis

Burt Young

Unsung heroes:

Giancarlo Esposito aka Gus

Keye Luke from Kung Fu and Gremlins

Jay O. Sanders aka Ziggy, Dan's friend from Roseanne:Criminal Intent.

Richard Jenkins- a fantastic actor know best as the Dead Dad from 6 Feet Under.

Joe Morton aka Cyberdyne Systems smartguy, Miles Bennett Dyson

Mark Linn Baker aka Cousin Larry

David Patrick Kelly from The Warriors came out to plaaaaay-eeee,   

and Paul Calderon from everything. 

…that's just season 1.

I like just about everything Michael Mann has ever created. He's a modern master of suspense and something I'd categorize as action/adventure-mood. From Manhunter, to Heat, to Collateral, and yes, especially The Keep. Dude kicks ass. With him as set-Shogun, the action scenes in Miami Vice had better production values than anything else on TV at the time. Especially the high speed chases on both land and water which were the shows signature. I like the 2005 movie version that everyone hated, too. I also like that Eric Bana Hulk movie. Whatever. When it comes to entertainment, it's whatever you feel like. For me, late Friday afternoon feels like Miami Vice. There's something about that footage mixed with what I actually now know about what was happening down in south Florida during my childhood that really cuts the through the crisp cold of a lonely Colorado afternoon. It is, at once, refreshing and disturbing. Comfortably uncomfortable. 

I'd love to see a wacky, Saturday-morning cartoon (ala Bill & Ted) of Miami Vice. I'm sure they could get BOTH Don Johnson and PMT to do it. Instead of Olmos, (who might not do it) they could just have George Lopez or John Liguezamo play the LT. He'd just yell at them all the time- "CROCK-ETT!" They should keep all the sex, drugs, violence and murder IN though. Kids love that shit.

Miami Vice doesn't really teach you anything. It's a small screen reflection of Florida's sordid past. There's more to be learned, historically speaking, from documentaries like Cocaine Cowboys or Square Grouper. In real life, things weren't so pretty as in the snapshot the show provided. Fuck nostalgia. It's just that sometimes it can be fun to think about how much things have changed…and how much they haven't.

 -2013 Wielgorecki

15 Poop-Culture Phenomena...

"Hi, are you as dumb as you are pretty? Its ok. You don't have to answer. We'll be right back."

-What every late night TV show host really wants to say sometimes.

Welcome to PCP where I salute super shows from yesterday and today and constantly gouge the fuck out of TV's exposed, weak-ass belly. Originally, I thought I could use this fer sum kinda press messages about media like MacUllah or somethin' but instead…

Coyotes, Vultures, and Ben Ernst

It's true, the dude who got shot on Dallas died for real this time. His de-valued home is now for sale according to Inside Addition. Also, according to Inside Addition, or some other such Holly-news show, unknown women who are extremely manipulative and sexy-lookin' fuck famous and/or powerful men. 

Go figure.

According to a straw-dog poll*, which is something I just made up…YouTube is way better than TV, 

especially MTV… which has sucked since I was 8. Except ALTV, LiquidTV/Extract, and Headbanger's Ball.

Hey Dude was another TV show by MTV networks, where Ben Stiller's wife secretly fucked the dude who de-flowered Blossom. Apparently, they worked at a dude ranch together in their teens, during the ass of the 80s They worked there with a peyote-gnawin' Indian and a couple of saucy, horse-loving lesbians. Their boss was the dude who later gave George Costanza a hand-modelling job (or hand job), and was, thoroughly disgusted by Dr. Gonzo's depraved behavior in the car next to his in F&L in LV. 

(*There is now a Straw Dogs remake with Cyclops from X-men in Dustin Hoffman's role. There is also a made-for-TV version of the Shining with the long-hair pilot dude from Wings in Jack Nicholson's role. Why?)

The Flaming Arrow

Green Arrow was too shitty of a super-hero to get his own movie. Instead, he has a hilarious TV show on the WB. They won't call him by his true name. Instead, the show is called Arrow, which is a nickname gay guys call people named Aaron. Green Arrow and the "Avenger", Hawkeye have been gay together since the 70s. It's nice that as a couple they share common interests. Buttfucking, and archery. 

  

Raw & Older: Punch Out Unit

In other news, Ed Asner and Mike Tyson co-starred in a very special SVU this Thursday. Ed Asner plays an old molester guy, and Tyson plays a grown up who was molested as a kid. SPOILER: The part where Iron Mike gets a stay of execution and hugs the detectives who made it possible is the best. Then you see big Ed getting locked up and one of his former victims sees him coming in. Foreshadowing -for an ending??…You betcha. 

The producer of all of the Law & Orders is named Dick Wolf. That should be a porn. He could be like a superhero who's dick turns into a werewolf. Stay tuned for the further erotic adventures of Dickwolf. Truly, though, i think the Law and Orders are some of the best teleplay achievements in all of prime time history. That's another post.  

"She's not so smart. But she looks purty good on camera." 

-What the guest will say about herself.

-2013 Wielgorecki

14 New Format...

Ok, here's the deal. I will still be posting my irregular blahg entries. In addition to these I am now incorporating some new feature articles. 

NPX- NerdPostXclusive. There are already some of these. They cover comics, sci-fi, video games, and Japanese animation-related media. Nerds only. 

TTP- ToiletTheaterPresents. Where I will review horrible movies and make fun of them. 

PCP- Poop-Culture Phenomena. Where I'll talk TV. Meh.

LSP- LitSpit. Book reviews of books I read.  

This is an obvious attempt, by me, to make my writing more accessible. I hope these new bits will increase my readership from 1, to 2, maybe even 3 readers (aim high!) but I won't hold my breath. If you are reading this now- Thanks.

-2013 Wielgorecki