41 Rodney Mullen: The Most Important Skateboarder There Is

(NOTE: Over a decade ago, Dave Carnie wrote a way better article than this one about Rodney which was also about Freestyle Skateboarding called "Freestyle with Rodney Mullen." If you want to read it you need to get a copy of the Big Brother from November 1999, or just grab a boob. See post 40, below.)

Make no mistake. This is a tribute.

Freestyle Grand Master, Rodney Mullen, really is the Godfather of skateboarding. When I was a kid, I got to see him skate once in real life at a Plan B demo in FL. If you knew me then, you were probably there too. It was a small town. (Part of that demo was in the SHS video too.) You may be another one of the many who have been privileged enough to have seen such ninja precision in real life. It is a precision born of countless hours of practice. Dedication and talent in a perfect hybrid. He invented what would become modern street skating in his side yard as a kid. He continues to astound the world with new, inventive moves constantly. Using absolutely every square mm of the skateboard's surface area. He is also the only individual capable of many of his inventions with any consistency. Anyone who's ever been fool enough to try casper slides can probably vouch for this. (Not me.) 

Casper Slide (from the Plan B days)

Similar to what Bruce Lee, Michael Phelps, Jordan, or Jackson, achieved in their mental-physical (possibly psychic) harmonic excellence so does Rodney on the skateboard. Not only does he perfect the existing, physical art, he pushes its innovation. There are others both before and after him who share this ability. 

The OGs*

Adams

Alva

Barbier

Caballero

Cardiel

Gelfland

Gonzales

Guerrero

Hosoi

Hawk

Hirata

Jesse

Klein

Lieu

Mariano

McGill

Mullen (Featured-duh.)

Peralta

Song

Thomas 

Trujillo

Vallely

Way

My biased list. It names just a few very-well-knowns on an all-time list that gets longer all the time. A list that continues its expansion as you travel to different spots. There are a shitload of names that aren't up here, even though they should be. I didn't want to type forever. Although all these people were integral in making skateboarding successful, no one was ever as prolific as Rodney was at trick invention. 

Tricks Rodney Invented** 

50-50 Saran Wrap

50-50 Sidewinders

360 Flip

360 pressure Flip

540 double kickflip

540 Shove-it

Airwalks

Backside 180 Flip

Casper 360 Flip

Casper Slides

Caballerial impossible

Double heelflips

Flatground Ollie

Frontside Heelflip Shove-its

Godzilla Rail Flip

Gazelles

Heelflip

Helipops (360 Nollie)

Half-cab kickflip underflip

Helipop Heelflips

Half Flip Darkslide

Handstand flips

Kickflip Underflip

Kickflip

No Handed 50-50 Kickflip

Ollie Impossible

Ollie Nose bones

Ollie Fingerflip

One footed Ollie

Rusty slides

Sidewinders

Switbchstance 360 Flips

(*There ought to be a mix-tape…All skating. No docu-history.)

(**source: rodneymullen.net/bio.html)

Half Flip Darkslide (This used to be on my wall. Photog: Unknown. Someone from TWS?)

Although he didn't invent the ollie, he innovated and perfected the flatground ollie which is the skeleton of all modern street skating. Without his contributions as well as those from the OGs listed above, there is no way skating would have made it as far as it has today. There's a board in nearly every home in America, now.

Fuck yeah.

I know, if any skaters read this, that I am preaching to the choir. There is a personal commitment involved in skateboarding. You know you had to, like Rodney did first, practice if you ever wanted to be able to ollie. You may have spent hours and hours in the driveway going over it again and again. Drowning and burning up countless bowls of cereal in the process. Trying to get higher with every attempt. It can be very frustrating, but once you get them, it's a total high. Once you feel what it's like to do a trick right and land, riding away clean, you know what all that work was for. 

For physical geniuses like Rodney, this feeling and its pursuit are much more than any art or sport. On his level, this energy seems to move in a constant, Zen cycle. A perpetual organic generator. While we all can't be so committed and graceful, it is true, for all people who truly love skating, that it really is a way of life. Although being a skater isn't always the most profitable, or family-pleasing, path one can take in life, you must be true to yourself. You might not be rich or have power over others, but some people don't need that shit to be happy. Some people can find happiness in simply controlling a skateboard. Live to rip. Rip to live. Live and Let Rip. 

Without people like Rodney and the OGs, all may have at one time been lost. The Skateboarding industry itself, may have imploded in the early 1990s. It's coffin would've then, been unbelievably laid beside the comic book industry's. Fucking bonkers when you think about it today. Instead, because of Superman's Death and people like Rodney Mullen and those both listed here or not, the monster has been kept alive. Today, it stomps and skates the Earth, large and in-charge. A Godzilla of creativity. 

You can learn more about Rodney Mullen @ LINK. Do what you love. Love what you do.

Hail Skatan.

-2013 Wielgorecki

40 LitSpit: Boob

boob

By Dave Carnie

WARNING: Danger!! If you used to read Big Brother Skateboard Magazine, but feel you're now too mature to laugh at any of the shit in it anymore, you definitely are. Congratulations, you are now old, and your heart has died.
Just like Ally Sheedy said it would. 

A Spectral Theory: When Bruce Dickinson screamed, "Can I Play With Madness?" Dave Carnie answered his question with a question, "I don't know, dude, can you?" Confused, or possibly enlightened, Bruce asked again, "Can I Play With Madness?" To which Carnie then replied, in mid frontside air, "How high?"

Penis in Vagina! Hail Gary! Not since the late Bukowski or Thompson, has a lewd genius of both literature and journalism so amusingly and accurately penned the laughingly abstract nightmare that is our American Dream. In this case, as seen through the Sk8scope beer goggles of the skateboarding world's best writer. Aside from having pictures of skating in it, Big Brother Skateboard Magazine would educate you about skateboarding. It would also advise you on the ins and outs of drugs and alcohol, perv your mind out about that girl you like, Crap on yer Nikes, and suggest you to do really, really fun and stupid shit- especially if you were suggestively stupid enough to try it.
Just like a real big bro.

It was the first skateboarding magazine that ever had tits. It was the first skateboarding magazine ever backed by Hustler-General, Larry Flynt. It's also the only skateboarding magazine that'd always make you laugh your ass off every time you read one. I would always be sure to read everything by Carnie, Singleton, Pontius, Cliver or Nieratko because they were always the most hilarious. Whether it was an interview, road story, or product review their articles were always delivered with razor wit, and the most disinformative, gut-splitting, strangest, most ridiculously aggressive, and gross humor. Unfortunately, Big Brother Magazine ended in 2004. Most copies of it were destroyed by uppity parents, or, puked, pooped, pissed on, or otherwise wasted alongside many skaters youths. Too bad about the magazines, as for youth…isn't that what it's fuckin' for? 

Fortunately for all wasted youths, a bunch of the best stories, interviews, etc from Big Brother, by Carnie, are collected for posterity in Boob. It's named after the Big Brah video that featured Carnie's awesome "Aggressive Street Dancing", and Simon Woodstock's killer "Metal Mom" music video, if I remember correctly. Thanks to Boobs, (I assume there are more copies than my one.) the hilarious art and words that Carnie has contributed to skateboarding culture will probably never be lost. That's perfect, because reading them will always be fun. Which is what it's all about in the end anyway.

 Rare deck from Carnie's nebulous skateboard company. Whale Cock Skateboards (LINK)

Boob was published by King Shit Publications (LINK), who also put out King Shit and King Snow online magazines. At King Shit the surly, sloshed, sidewalk-shreddin' spirit of Big Brother is still alive and well. If you want to read newer material by Carnie, you can find it there, or at The Skateboard Mag (LINK), Huck Magazine (LINK), Already Been Done (LINK). You can also check out his drunkard's food blog with wife Tania @ LINK. Or watch some classic video bits from the 3 Big Bro tapes @ LINK. Enjoy. 

I cracked up a lot while I was reading Boob. Sometimes, if there were people around, some of them would look at me like I was a kook. I just tell 'em "Fuck Off!" by holding up the cover so their dumb-ass eyes could see what I was reading. They'd usually laugh or roll their eyes as if to say, "I am a judgmental fucktard who don't know nothin' 'bout nothin' Dah-Uh, DUH!" Especially some old bitch who was at this one bus stop. What an awesome book. It can tell crappy people's looks to fuck off. In re-reading Carnie's material in Boob, I've found it holds up extremely well. This is usually true of all imaginations that are ahead of their time. (See Black Sabbath/DEVO.) Its journalistic integrity, and comic resilience are a testament to its author's intelligence, creativity, and absurdity. Carnie is probably one of the brightest people that the entire skateboard industry will ever see. I, for one, am glad that his hilariously filthy prose has been preserved forever in Boobs.
Live life right, kids. Sk8. Rip shit up. Read Boob. (LINK)

"If you're going to fight someone who you know will kill you, it might help to shit yourself."

-Carnie

-2013 Wielgorecki

39 Skateboards From Hell

Why skateboard? There are lots of reasons people get into skateboarding. I got into it in my teens. I had always hated team and ball sports. Especially the people involved. The jocks. I needed something physical to do with my energy. Getting laid (still my favorite physical activity) was too sporadic and unreliable. This was because of how dumb I was. Surfing was too expensive. The Gulf of Mexico's waves on Florida's west coast were always a joke, anyway. As were most of its rich, jock surfers. I was heavy into art at the time. One of my buddies from art class taught me to ollie one weekend. It took months, but on my own, I eventually mastered the moving ollie. This new skill opened up the streets to me in ways I'd never imagined before. In a way, it expanded my creativity. Manifesting a new form of physical intelligence in my brain. Over the years, I have found that this profound, urban intelligence exists in all true skaters, no matter how smart or dumb they are otherwise. The main reason I skate is because it is fun. Without fun, life is completely worthless.

Another reason to skate, is to raise hell. (see MDC: LINK) Skateboarding makes lots of people mad. Not just because they lack the balance, fearlessness, drive, and toughness to do it, but because it is loud and can really fuck shit up. (shit=property) There is nothing like bombing a street with 4-10+ other skaters. The disapproving faces and sounds the pedestrians make. Cars honking with aggravation. Someone yells out "What the fuck?!" Fists shaking at you in your rear view. Pissing people off can be intoxicating. Especially to the young of blood. This effect was not lost on me up into my 20s, when I lived in NY. Everyone there is usually pissed off anyways. Even if they weren't, I took care of that where I could. Rudely, twisting through crowds of citizens and shit-dipsters, nearly smacking many with the very sidewalks they stood on. Hearing that whiny angry "HEY!" or "Fuck You!!" as I rode away. A shit-eating smile across my skull.

Perhaps that satisfaction was derived from an inner-anger. If it was, I have long since leashed that pissy wildcat. Older and much calmer now, I live in Colorado. A state like NY where communities understand the importance of kick-ass local parks, and build them accordingly. Within 10 minutes of my house are 2 parks I can skate 24 hours a day. Harassment-free. I usually skate alone now, on chilly nights, in deserted parks. Zen shit. I don't care how old I get, it is a permanent part of who I am. Even if a drunk trucker smashed my legs into blood and bone chutney tomorrow, I'd be cool with it. Because, for a monumental part of my life, I got to skate and piss off tons of people I'll never know.

Support your local skatepark. Never quit.


Gangway!

Look out below!!

-2013 Wielgorecki

38 NerdPostXclusive: 8-Bit Crypt

T & C Surf Design

Yeaaaaaah! Nice one! There was a surfing part you could play in this game. Why would you even paddle out into those video waves, brah? The street course was the most fun. The music was also quite fucking jamming except when you died and it did that wha-wha-wha-wha-wipe out shit. I wish there was more to tell about this game, but there just isn't. Fuck it. Let's go skate.

-2013 Wielgorecki

37 The S.S.S.

The snowstorms are sputtering down. The snow on the ground is melting. The wolves are taking hot hairy shits. Jack London's blue mummy slowly thaws. The mountain wildflowers will soon open like aroused, colorful, photosynthetic vaginas. Here comes the sun. If you know a little bit about World War II, you've probably heard of the S.S. You might even know that John Wayne had a picture of Adolf, old boy, tucked in his cowboy vest. There are real surf and skate nazis in California. But they aren't the nazi's you're thinking of. Those aren't the dudes you're looking for. (waves hand mysteriously…)

All this week's posts, are collectively, the Spring Skateboard Special. (AKA: the Sidewalk Surfing Special, or, the Street Shredding Special.) The S.S.S. Get off your ass (your A-S-S), and have a skate sometime. If you've got what it takes…

-2013 Wielgorecki

36 Gary Busey Eyes

The following post is dedicated to Taylor Swift. Yeah, right. No, this is just a more fun way to sing the common karaoke song. "Betty Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes. Bust this out next time you do karaoke. It might be worth a chuckle.

"Gary Busey Eyes"

Her hair is wheat straw gold

Her teeth are large in size

Her hands are weird and old

She's got Gary Busey eyes

She'll go all mental on you

You know it won't be nice

She cannot handle her blow

She's got Gary Busey eyes

And she'll seize you

She'll unease you

And she might threaten to eat you

She's ferocious and she goes nuts

On some crazy "Just Say No" fuss

She looks like Frankenstein, in disguise

She's got Gary Busey eyes

She doesn't use a comb.

You know she's just not right

She'll talk until you're floored.

She's got Gary Busey eyes

She'll put some trouble on you 

No don't heed her advice

God help you if you do

She's got Gary Busey eyes

She may choke you, just to know you.

On your toes. She may try to throw you

She's ferocious and she goes nuts

On some crazy "Just Say No" fuss

All the boys think that she's fried

She's got Gary Busey eyes

And she'll seize you

She'll unease you

And she might threaten to eat you

She's ferocious and she goes nuts

On some crazy "Just Say No" fuss

All the boys think that she's fried

She's got Gary Busey eyes

She'll seize you

She'll unease you

Just to please ya

She's got Gary Busey eyes

She'll choke you, just to know you

She throoooooows ya

She's got Gary Busey eyes

That's the jam.         

-2013 Wielgorecki

35 Toilet Theater Presents...

4 Wet Fart Warriors

Ghost Warrior & Homeboy: They don't know where they're goin', but they sure know where they've been.

Ghost Warrior
If you've ever read Ronin (1983) by Frank Miller, or watched Samurai Jack, you don't really need to see this movie. Fish out of water. Frozen Caveman. Warrior lost in time. Puh. Also, if you are wanting to see cool swordplay or semi-decent martial arts coreography, look elsewhere. But, if you want to laugh at the worst, least-tough-lookin' henchmen you've ever seen (maybe in film history) check it out.

Peaceful Warrior
Don't watch this movie. It is a film based on the biographical, philosophical sports book of a similar name by Dan Millman. The book was excellent. Dan Millman is cool too. The movie was directed by Victor Salva, who also did Powder, and the Jeepers Creepers series of films. Who cares? Salva is a pederast. He likes to fuck boys.
Never, ever go see his movies.

Far be it from me to be the morality police. I don't really even like most kids. I just really hate people who hurt and fuck kids. Castrate 'em all. I would never, knowingly, give those pieces of shit my money. Sadly, almost every time you buy a movie ticket, you are likely funding at least one pedophile. There's no business like show business, eh? Vice magazine's Charlie Graham-Dixon elaborates further on Salva, in this article: LINK. I mean, just LOOK at that fucker. This is making me mad. Next poopie movie, please.

Berzerker: Hell's Warrior
"Would you like some making fuck? BERZERKER!" Eat your heart out, Lord of the Rings, it's Hell Warrior, now. This is one of those movies that really draws you into it. All of the acting done by all the thespians involved in Berzerker: Hell's Warrior, is absolutely top of the line. No more dramatic and convincing performances have ever been filmed because they do not exist. Only watch this if you really want to feel like you have travelled back in time, to Vikingland, with all the Viking people and shit that's from the Viking times in it. It is so authentic.
I laughed, I cried, I thought a lot about giving Kari Wuhrer a torchlit bath...

13th Warrior
When I'd heard that an NYPD officer was accused of attempted cannibalism earlier this week, I was reminded of Brett Easton Ellis's chapter on it. "Tries to Cook and Eat Girl" I believe it was called. One of the sickest gross-out pieces of literature in existence. 13th Warrior is based on the speculative historical book "Eaters of the Dead" by legendary sci-fi novelist and screenwriter, Michael Crichton. This movie is surprisingly forgettable. The characters are well acted. (For real this time.) It is based on a fantastic piece of fiction, and has good production values. Compared to the book, it is just sort of vague.

It could be great as a series. Well written novels, tend to be better as series. Like James Clavell's Shogun. The most successful example of this is probably Dexter. Just imagine if they tried to cram season 1 of Dex into feature length. It would have still been pretty cool. It just wouldn't have had the same momentum. The storytelling would have suffered. It would never have been as successful a franchise as it has become. I think the uncensored, premium channel TV series is the best possible way for novels to be accurately rewritten into screenplays. I know that History Channel's Vikings is one of the most popular shows on TV right now. Eaters of the Dead is still an awesome tale. It just needs the old "original series" treatment. Bon Appetite.

-2013 Wielgorecki

34 LitSpit: Cockpit

Cockpit

by Jerzy Kosinski

This is LitSpit. It's about books. I read 'em. I write about 'em. Here we go.

Jerzy Kosinski was an author who never pulled his punches. He had a deliberate, graceful prose, yet punctuating this grace, he aggressively strikes his readers with powerful, confrontational, imagery. Having already read The Painted Bird, I figured this book would be an equally excellent read. It was. Just not in the way I expected.

Cockpit tells the story of a rogue secret agent known as Tarden, who uses his intelligence to exact his every sociopathic whim. Like The Painted Bird, this novel is a first person account. The narrative is shattered into a series of vignettes in Tarden's life. I won't spoil any of the gruesome and horrifying moments for you. Especially not the significance of the title. (whoa. dude.) I will tell you that this is a story told from the perspective of a mind much more diabolical than any other I have ever read about. An excellent study in villainy.

At times, I would have to to put this book down because it was so graphically violent and misogynistic. Psychologically, it is harder on the reader than any other psych-horror literature I've ever read. The Tesseract, American Psycho, The Wasp Factory.  None of the characters in these books can hold a candle to Tarden in their devious monstrosity. (Frank Cauldhame came close.) It is an exhausting book. Its absolution comes from its literary brilliance. It is so well written, I finished it in a few days. Pretty fast for a non-skimmer like me. Kosinski's great gift was his ability to take these often detestable and gruesome characters and press the reader not to care, but to ponder what happens to them. Not through compassion or empathy, but through the exploitation of our natural morbid curiosity.

Kosinski was a tormented soul. He was a very controversial figure, particularly in the literary world. Especially concerning The Painted Bird, which he was accused of plagiarizing in 1982. Another writer had come forward, claiming to have written it. No solid proof of this was ever uncovered. The Painted Bird was also banned in Poland until 1989. This was because of its anti-communist themes and because of Polish anti-semitism. This of course was the order of the day in Poland, in the late 1960s, when the novel was published. He strangely escaped being murdered by the Mansons at Polanski's house due to his luggage being lost by an airline. The reaper comes for us all, in one way or another. In the end, it seems it was his sensitivity to his accusers that brought him to the banks of the Styx. After almost a decade of obscurity, he died by suicide in 1991.

-2013 Wielgorecki

33 Poop-Culture Phenomena...

"...today, in the land of the skunks, the man with half a nose is king."

-Chris Farley

Well, that's enough Lucasfilm for me this year. This week's PCP is brimming with free radical positive energy.
Get some.     

China's Skeleton Cities

According to last week's 60 minutes, and overwhelming physical evidence, the real estate explosion in China is not without its casualties. Not only are tons of poor being displaced, but billions in residential housing is sitting unoccupied and thus businesses are afraid to occupy the surrounding, empty commercial spaces. 

In Tianjin, where the most direct evidence of this is visible, ghost malls adorn fake signs to try and hoodwink investors, but, the writing is on the walls. No one wants to live in, nor risk making a business work in a giant ghost town. What you end up with, is basically, an almost full-scale Manhattan, under construction, completely abandoned. 

I believe I have an interesting solution to the problem of China's Skeleton Cities. Although it is probably the equivalent of throwing a grenade at a tank convoy. Why not shoot films in there? Movies have moneys. There are safety issues to be sure. Plus, the location is a bit of a bitch, but, imagine what a good director could do with enough money and an entire abandoned city. China has created a bubble that will burst. Before it does, how about some ender-tainment? (LINK) 

SkiDoo Summit Ad 

I don't give a shit about the T-suspension or cool, bendy treads. I want a snowmobile that stops sogg-ass. The safety and dexterity of the new 2014 Summit means nothing to my painfully numb, pruney, and soggy set o' cheeks. Sogg-ass is indifferent. It will snow your ass all up, regardless of who you are, or how bad-ass your new snowmobile is. Lets walk before we attempt flight. Keep the asses warm.   

YouTube Jewel: Redline AMV by brooklyn560
Unintentionally continuing a theme from post 26, here is another salute to Daytona 500 from Iron Man. This time I would draw your attention to the meticulous editing choreography. Awesomely done, brooklyn560. Respect due. 
Watch it. (LINK)

Space...Fascinating

Damn it, Jim, I'm a Blogger, not a real writer...One thing that's great about Trekkies is that, because of them, there is absolutely nothing about Star Trek you can't find out. Literally every aspect of this show and everything associated with it, has volumes and volumes of information about it. All over the internet. Some think it is TMI. Personally, I'd much rather read about a possibly made-up tantrum Shatner might've had one time, than politics, war or any of the other horrible shit the news monsters constantly try to pump-off into your face all week.

The TV news is designed to keep you in your home, with the TV on, running up that network's ratings. Star Trek was a show about exploration and its ideology celebrated diversity, peace and diplomatic communication. I say that the TV news is TMI. Star Trek gives its Trekkies a place to get away from the real world where people are trained to hate weirdness. Weirdness, threatens the status quo. It gets people thinking. Using their imaginations. TV news is cool with imagination too. Their version is where you use your imagination to terrify yourself about your personal safety and financial state. Bummer. To cheer you up, here's a cool Star Trek episode from the original series you can watch... 

"Captain's Log, Stardate: Unknown." Season 2, Episode 4, "Mirror, Mirror". A transporter malfunction causes regular Enterprise to switch crew members with another Enterprise in a parallel universe. There is no Federation. Only a Barbaric Empire. Barbarian Spock has a goatee, Barbarian Uhura has a sexier outfit, and Barbarian Sulu has a cool scar. The logo for this alternate totalitarianism is Earth with sword through it. Very punk for 1967.

 Star Trek's "Fuck the World" logo.

UCB: Bang! Bang!

Every now and then, TV gets it right. It is especially wonderful when this happens with comedy. This time, it is a show called Comedy Bang! Bang!  It began a few years back as a podcast/UCB live show created by Scott Aukerman. It stars Aukerman and Reggie Watts, who host a killer array of UCB alumni and other comedy-improv badasses, most of whom are now the biggest names in the business of laughter.  

Another reason this show kicks ass is because of Harris Wittels. Wittels wrote on Eastbound and Down, The Sarah Silverman Program and more recently, Parks and Recreation. (3 other times, Comedy has definitely got it right.) Since I am not funny, it is fun for me to watch and write about people who are. Watch Comedy Bang! Bang! on Netflix, IFC or read about the upcoming season @ (LINK)

(CORRECTION: Harris Wittels may or may not have written on this show. The source where I'm sure I read he did, I can no longer locate, and IMDB does not list him on the writing staff. My bad. Fuck.)

"That's Norm McDonald! The richest man in town!!"
-Artie Lang

-2013 Wielgorecki

32 How To Make a Lightsabre

Every kid with half-a-turd's worth of imagination, who's seen Star Wars, wants a damn lightsabre. There are even a lot of adults who do. Despite their popularity, few actual lightsabres exist outside of the fans' collective imaginations. To most people, who don't have advanced physics degrees, the Jedi technique of their design and construction, is an elusive art. I believe I now understand why. I have been lucky enough to come into possession of an ancient Jedi text, detailing this most surreptitious craft. Today, I pass this highly coveted knowledge on to you. 

[Translated directly from the Jedi text.]

[Lightsabre Creation

by Yoda

A Jedi's weapon, the lightsabre is. Before this weapon, you may learn to wield, create one of your own, you must. 

Required Elements:

1 Jedi Focus

1 functional penis 

1 working flashlight w/ batteries

1 roll medical tape

Construction Procedure:

Step 1- Yourself to full arousal, bring. 

Step 2- Jedi Focus to maintain full arousal, use.

Step 3- Flashlight to penis with medical tape, tape. Tape over switch, do not.

Step 4- Off all lights in room, turn.

Step 5- Practice.

If thought you, the actual lightsabre was anything more than this, wrong you were.

May the Force be with you, Padowan.]

"Try not, do, or do not. There is no try." -Yo, duh.

Right on, Yoda. There's a lesson here. What about Force powers? Those are way better. What can an enemy do with a lightsabre if you Force them out into deep space before they can even whip it out? In conclusion, the only thing the Force, a lightsabre, or any talk of them can truly battle is the female libido. 

(The Libida.)

Keep the Jedi arts secret. Make the Libida your ally. Good luck out there, fellow Star-Dorks.

May the whores be with you. Always.

-2013 OB1 Gynobi 

31 NerdPostXclusive: Tomb of the 16-Bit

Super Star Wars Trilogy (SNES)

Art of Star War: Top left corner- Han Dynasty. Main screen- Han vs Qin Fat. 

Remember these? They were so much fun. Remember when games were all about the fun? I'm all for amusement over immersion. These were some of the best Star Wars games there ever were. I'm sure you can get the ROMs for a fair price online. Like most Star Wars shit, there is little I can say here that wasn't already said a thousand times before by a thousand fans who know way more than I ever care to about the franchise. Let's see. Sandcrawler stage sucks. Play these games. They were good. Mmm. Tuh-Uh. Stah-wah. Wookie roar. R2 beeps. 

NPX Bonus Stage: Free Video Game Idea!

Star Wars: Anakin's Wake

You play only as Anakin Skywalker. Birth to Death. Think Force Unleashed meets Fallout 3 on multiple planets and in various spacecraft. This Flight Simulator/3rd person combat, RPG would give you a variety of options. Including playing through a separate story arc where Anakin never joins the Sith and instead becomes a General for the Rebellion. If you choose the Sith path, however, you will play the majority of the game, as Vader, where you get to oversee the Death Star, choke-out pesky bureaucrats, slaughter the fuck out of rebel troops, and fly custom, TIE Fighters in combat. There will even be several different playable scenarios in which the Rebellion fails. What??

Please make this game. 

Open your mind…

-2013 Wielgorecki

30 30th Post: All-Star-Wars Weekend Spectacular...

Whoa. 30 posts. That's a shit-lot of words to say nothing. To clebrate, it appears that I will now join the sometimes sad, rarely rad, ranks of those who blog about fictional laser swordcraft and an invisible, all-encompassing "Force". Almost all this weekend's posts will be Star War-related. Very Biblical shit, this. Flaming swords. Forgotten Fathers. Mystical powers. Like it or lump shits about it, Star Wars was a big deal to my kid self. I guess I still love what it was. I'm not too crazy about what it became. The 2nd trilogy, Vader/Lucas parallells, Fanboy influence, blah blah.

None of that matters. Star Wars is a multi-generational part of worldwide culture now. It's in the blood. There was nothing I ever wanted more than to be a rebellious Jedi when I was little. I am sure this was a common dream. I will be messing with this common dream of cultural, chronological convenience this weekend. More tonight.

Don't sleep.

-2013 Wielgorecki

29 Piss-Poor Poetry

I'm not sure if this will be a regular thing or not yet. Hope it makes someone laugh somewhere. As far as modern poetry and I are concerned, I dislike, very much, the so-called "Jam" style poetry. I can't even sit through ONE of those, let alone a whole "Jam". Words are fun. I like to constantly fuck around with words. Sometimes people call that poetry. Here are 7 poems I wrote about romance, finance, some climactic movie scenes, some breasts, and the wild. I believe they have a cool soul zen groove, and, are truly awful poems. If you want to read them as a Beatnick, just say ", man." at the end of each line. Like Dennis Hopper, man.

Shit Face

I am Vigo the Carpathian.

I'm ugly as shit.

Ugly as shit.

I am Vigo the Carpathian.

I'm ugly as shit.

Ugly 

as 

shit.

Hurty Darey

School Bus on a RAMPAGE!

The kids are havin' fun today!

Mr. Scorpio is the bus driver now.

Callahan's on the roof.

Pow! Pow! Pow!

Getting Hard by Going Soft

Let me be up on them B-cups.

Let me seize up on them C-cups.

Let me dream up on them D-cups.

Cause these D-cups is the cups 

That will be my fat-ass pillows tonight.

I love to squeeze up on them big ol' titties.

I do not want to hurt them. 

So let me know if I have squeezed those shits too tight.

I love you girl.

I love your big-ass, bouncy-ass tits.

Ah-ight?

Snot Pop-its

Bopple Bun

Take a stand.

Muppets.

And the Milkman.

Oysters.

In the pee pan.

Cereal in Elmer's glue.

Potato chips in sea sand.

Steel trees.

Sap that's the wrong kind of cottage cheese.

Bop the brown mist winter wheeze.

Cold as Jack Frost's farty breeze.

At ease.

UH!

Uh! Fuh! 

Not in my nuh.

Damn. Nunna-Tub. 

Fuckin Duh?

Kuh-guh, DUH!

Luh….UHH!! Uh!

Oh.

Uh.

Beasts on the Banks

Sharp, thirsty teeth.

Patient breath.

Mud crunch.

Elephant butt-skins.

A gussied glam gun grip.

Useless.

As tits on a rattlesnake.

Cobra Kings.

Comforting as spiders' legs.

Monkey Fists.

Screams

Fleas.

Parrots.

Peas.

Carrots.

Cards. Credit.

Terrorist tariffs.

Hump Hamper

Two tiny people

Are humping in your hamper.

They are brown and hairy.

And they're wearing yellowed Pampers.

All the towels inside

Just get damper, and damper.

Because 

Two tiny people

Are humping in your hamper.

Be safe. Check your home hampers.

"Do it for me…McGarnagal."

-McGarnagal

Hurty Darey would've been really great if it was read by Joey Ramone. R.I.P. 

I have nothing else to say now.

-2013 Wielgorecki

28 Poop-Culture Phenomena...

"Don't touch me, 'cause I'm electric, and if you touch me…you'll get SHOCKED."

-ADRock

Twilight Zone: Lee vs. Lee

No, it's not Jet Lee vs Bruce, as cool as that would be. This Lee vs Lee took place in a little corner of space/time, on a set, out in the old west, in the Twilight Zone. This Lee vs. Lee features Marvin vs VanCleef. Season 3 Episode 7 "The Grave". I thought, how many times, in the history of martial arts, has a Lee faced another Lee? Probably a shit-ton. Here's some Lee vs. Lee matches I would arrange if I had my own time-travelling phone booth, Delorian, Wardrobe, or Scary Door...

Bruce v Jet - Like watching two komodos fight in FFWD. But humans, and not in FFWD. Know what I'm sayin'? Heheh. This fight would be so awesome. Uh!

Geddy v Jerry - piano honky tonk gunfire vs. synth bass minstrel wizardry. Hey, DJ Connor, put those records on.

Rush Hour v Enter the Dragon - So. Lee from Rush Hour has pistol skills, but pistols aren't even allowed on Han's Island. So what? Everyone has always wanted to see Bruce and Jackie square off. Because of time, and the strange nature of Chinese celebrity, they never did. Not even. In the Twilight Zone…

General v General - The car, piloted by the Duke boys vs. General Robert E. On horseback, with guns o' course. Enough talk. I think Rockstar Games could arrange this duel better than anyone.

To conclude, Dan Aykroyd did the best Rod Serling. 

"Submitted for your approval..."

The Biggest Crybaby…I mean Loser

One reason fat people cry so much is because many of them have hormonal imbalances. The hormone estrogen makes you cry. The hormone testosterone makes you pissed. Another reason fat people cry is that some of them have emotional imbalances. Sometimes this is from outside victimization, sometimes it is from self-victimization, or a combination. As people gain fat, their fat bodies are not as efficient at breaking down sugars and thus, converting calories into energy. Fat people are also prone to atrophy and bruise more easily. Being fat can kill you. It can inflame your organs and injure your resistance to disease. To cure fatness, you have to move your body around a lot, sweat a lot, you have to eat more nutrient dense fiber, less complex sugars and oil, and you have to do this for a really long time. Maybe the rest of your life. Sometimes when a fat person gets thinner they have some extra skin left over in flap form. So there's that too. 

Flaps or no flaps, I think we're all ready for the next season of "Them Big Fat Losers". The trainers will be turning up the insanity, yet another notch. BAM! A single cloth diaper will be the only clothing permitted. BAM! No living quarters. Just a hot, locking, wooden box in a sand pit. BAM! Crying will not be tolerated. Any crying will cause you to receive a beating. A beating consists of that Gillian chick in only a gimp-mask, screaming at you and beating the shit out of you with her penis while you are tied up like that lawyer dude from Seven. BAM! BAM!

"Talkin' trash to the garbage around you."

-Beck 

Daytime Douche: Colin Faerill on Ellen

Colin looked just like this guy I punched in the stomach back in 1993. Same hair. Same kinda clothes. Same demeanor. Different eyebrows. I didn't really need to punch him. It was a silverbackish ape situation. If I hadn't, like Colin, I would've been labeled a dumb pussy all my life. Bottom line? Everyone wants to punch Colin. Go suck off an old potato in the rain, you vacuous, Irish bug.

-Disclaimer: I love Ireland and the Irish people. They make up about 70% of my DNA. The Irish people have contributed a lot of wonderful food, comedy, literature, theater, music and most importantly, booze to the world. Except for Colin. His personality is exactly the same as a stinging hot Irish beer shit with no personality of its own. It just takes on the properties of that Irish beer you drank, doesn't bother to really digest them and sputters them forth from an intellect like a simian's septic undercarriage. Most Irishmen could kick Colin's ass. I'll leave it to ye. 

-Disclaimer part 2: I love Ellen DeGeneres. She's The Generous. She is a loving, kind genius. She deserves better than to have to talk to muddy rat scabs, like Faerill.

Local Ad: Rocky's Rollin'

What's up with that Rocky's Autos Ad that's him dressed as Uncle Sam at a rave? Is that an old one? It is on every 10 minutes. The production values are astounding. I think it's the tops. Do you think Rocky does a lot of MDMA? Probably not. I bet he does a lot of Mushrooms. He does look a lot like Mario. 

Rock on, Rocky! Rave out. Rock n' troll.

BMW Ad

"The Thrill of Victory, and the Agony of…wait. How's that go again?"

Uh, it's defeat. Maybe you were up on your cloud, and they didn't come up there and tell you. A defeat is like when you fuck up and have to recall more than half a million units. Yup, I'd call that a big fat defeat. Cram it up yer tailpipe, Beemer. 

Joan Rivers Kicks Ass

I'm speaking specifically about her (rerun?) appearance on Letterman Tuesday night. 12 toes! An Ugg bra? She's a genius. Probably the best female comedian of all time. Who's better? Paula Poundstone? Yeah right. Joan is the first bad girl of comedy. There are tons of awesome female comedians out there. Joan could riff 'em all, up one side, and down the other. They would cry, not just out of the emotional pain caused by Joan's wits of fury, but with laughter, at themselves, and flattery, at the honor of being slammed by the master. Slam on, ma'am. We love it.

"Naked is a state of mind."

-Luscious Jackson

-2013 Wielgorecki

27 NerdPostXclusive: 8-Bit Crypt

Goonies

If this game's good enough for you, it's good enough for me. Yuh. Based on the classic adventure movie of the same name, Goonies has some great re-playablilty. Especially for such a simple game. The mice and Fratelli brothers aren't so tough. Watch out for the Ghosts of One-Eyed Willie. Since he's a ghost, you can't hit him. You have to duck or jump over. Wait. Was that the door you were supposed to go in? Shit.

-2013 Wielgorecki

26 Mo' Betta Gangsta Shit...

If you think my GDung is stupid, think again. Check out the dude who's rebuilding the Titanic. (LINK)

Now dat's Gangsta.

The Usual Suspects 

There should be a version of this that says "This never happened." in flashing subtitles during all the made up parts. If you can, play Ghost-Face's Daytona 500 immediately at the end, too. Right as the credits start. Timed right, this is great. Probably the coolest thing about Usual Suspects, is that it was a prank. Almost nobody besides Brian Singer The writer, and Kevin Spacey knew about the twist ending at the premiere. Gabriel Byrne was all pissed off but finally admitted how cool it was later on. The funniest of all the Gangsta Sheeit in this movie is all done by one man, Stephen Baldwin. 

"One job? One job??" that's right Steve, one job. One real job. The Usual Suspects. That's all you get, son. 

"I might only castrate Mr. McManus's nephew, David." 

-The Bottom of a Coffee Cup

Bio-Dome II: Bio-Commando

Sin City

The only comic book to movie adaptation that is 100% true to its original. This has a lot to do with the respect that Rodriguez and Tarantino have for these truly awesome books. It is also because Frank Miller is a genius of cinema. That is why his comic scripts are always so phenomenal, they are films. Movies from the head of a mad genius. 

I always watch them separately to get the more graphic novelesque effect and enjoy the incorporated theatrically-deleted material. Both reading and watching these stories is a pleasure for anyone with a love for savage pulp grit. More about Frank @ http://frankmillerink.com/

-2013 Wielgorecki

25 Toilet Theater Presents...

Friday Night Gangsta Shite

"Do you really wanna know about some gangsta shit?"

Diary of a Hitman

(Sung as Diary of a Madman, by Ozzy.)

"Die-ree of a Hit-Man, For-est Wit-ker and Sharon Stone…" (long pause.)

"SHARON?!"

It also has the girl with the bitch-eyebrows from Twin Peaks. It's about a hit man who don't wanna be no hit man no mo. If you really want to see Forest Whitaker as a hit man, watch Ghost Dog. Diary of a hit man is supposed to kill the bitch-eybrow girl. But then, he wants to quit his job too, I think. She tries to fuck him. I was too busy preparing, heating up and enjoying a delicious oriental meal, so I didn't pay any attention. Noodles are good. Diary of a Hitman probably sucks. Probably really bad.

A Brooklyn State of Mind

Not since he was in that one movie with the Apes, has Tony Danza been in a better movie. In ABSOM Tony's very face is held over the engine belt of a car by a couple of Danny Aiello's Goonbahs. Those crazy Goonbahs eventually went on to get busted by the Goonbahsters…HO!

 (Yes, I know it's really Goombas.)

And now on to the only other reason to ever watch this movie…

  

Maria Grazia Cucinotta

Yup. Gangsta Boobs. Pullin' out the real journalistic integrity this weekend.

Keep an eye out for some PCP this Saturday night.

That is all.

-2013 Wielgorecki

24 NerdPostXclusive: Arcade Archives

Ninja Gaiden

Whether you say gay-den or guy-den, it still sounds like a place you'd find a sausage party.

Today, in the US, Arcades are few and far between. In Japan, it has never been "uncool" to dig video games. The arcades there will live forever. I, like Japan, decided long ago that I thought video games were cool and I've never cared if people thought I wasn't for playing them. Arcade Archives is a new mini-NerdPostXclusive spotlighting specific Arcade Games. This is the first one of these. Dig it.

In its current configuration, Ninja Gaiden is a much more difficult and complicated game than its sleazy, smokey, Arcade ancestor…     

Everyone who had the 8-Bit NES, here in the US, is familiar with this fast-paced 1-player, side-scroller. It was a fantastic cartridge. Very re-playable. It was considered revolutionary in 1987 because it was one of the first games released for home console, in the US, that had cinematic cut-scenes. However, the 2-player co-op beat 'em up version from the Arcade was far superior. Tecmo (Tecmo/Koei, today.) was responsible for many arcade hits. Rygar, Wild Fang (aka Tecmo Knight), Silkworm, and Tecmo Bowl, among the most notable of these. Ninja Gaiden Arcade had so much more to offer in the way of both graphics and gameplay than it's NES counterpart. For one, it was a more 3D environment. They added a button to the top of the joystick that would allow you to grab and climb around to advance. You could also use the "grab" button to pick up enemies while flipping and throw them through all kinds of interactive objects in the environment. Electric signs, phone booths, big-ass popcorn stands. It's fun.

The multi-player simultaneous co-op is my favorite platform. From Double Dragon, to Rampage, up to the ultimate 4-player version of TMNT. It turns the game into a party. A party with purpose. To fight on. Fighting games are great for this too. All games have their place within the Arcade Family. I just find it more fun to work together against a common enemy.   

(Look for more Arcade Archives, plus the 8-Bit Crypt, and Tomb of the 16-Bit Xclusives all coming soon.)  

MAME on, Ninjas.

-2013 Wielgorecki