49 The Lost Post

Well, well, well, if it isn't #49. The Lost Post. 

While traipsing about in Dimension X last year, Post 49 was lost along with my inter-dimensional virginity when I spent the night with a the large-breasted entitty known as Candy Trillion. She never called me back. Fortunately, I ran into her hot roommate, Sarah, at a mercenary bar in the Tau Ceti system a few weeks ago. Through this supplemental, intergalactic, erotic encounter, Post 49 was finally recovered. Thank you, Sarah. Geomagnetic storms are brewing in your eyes.    

You can always trust my thoughts and opinions on media. Not just because I have over 30 years experience as a mad media scientist, but also because I don't have any reason to ever deceive you. Nobody pays me to write this. I have nothing to sell you, and I answer to no one. If you want to read a formulaic, sponsor-biased, adult homework assignment written by a college-diluted, passionless writer, you've come to the wrong place. Pop-culture is but a toy to me. What I do is secret. 

Having shot through the dimensional vortex, and blasted back from the dead, PCP, TTP, and NPX have returned. One last time, for revenge…

Poop Culture Phenomena

The HBO Heyday: Slightly Disinformative Summations Of Great Series

Sopranos: The Series, has Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini). Tony was one of the most engaging characters in all TV. A Hero-Villain. This dude is like if Archie Bunker was a Mob Boss. In Sopranos, Tony has a psychiatrist who is not Billy Crystal, a wife named Nurse Jackie, and two shitty brat kids. So that's it. That's The Sopranos.

The moral of the story is: DON'T do business with the Mafia.

The series called Curb Your Enthusiasm is probably one of the funniest things you've ever seen on a screen anywhere, ever. Some dude who was profanely screaming under a highway overpass I was walking over once, shrieked that Larry David was pissed because they told him he wasn't going to get to play The Vulture in some Spider Man flick that never happened. Curb Your Enthusiasm was his revenge. Overpass dude also told me he was God, and asked if I had any scarves or toilet paper on me. I ran. I ran so far away. Fuck scarves.

The moral of the story is: (See title.)

The show formerly known as Six Feet Under was a show about death…sorta. Mostly, it was a show about an extremely self-absorbed family of fishermen who ran a funeral home in Los Angeles. In this show, there's a Ghost-Dad (Richard Jenkins), a Grandma (Frances Conroy), a smug, hippy, man-slut (Peter Krause), a girl who looks like a goldfish (Lauren Ambrose), and a gay (Michael C. Hall). The gay gets kidnapped, and is forced to smoke crack. He poops on a wall. Eventually, he moves out to Miami to become a serial killer who loves donuts.

The moral of the story is: White people be crazy.

There once was this show, Carnivale. The main dude in it's not very tall. You never find out what it's all about because the whole show hit a fucking brick wall.

The moral of the story is: The Dustbowl was a shit-hole.   

The Wire was a show. It was all about crime in Baltimore. The Wire had crabs, booze, heroin, and many strong characters both bald, and with hair. The main hero of the show is a British dude named Nick Nolte. (Dominic West) When Nick Nolte isn't out drunk driving or slaying pussy left and right, he is a police. There's a lot more to The Wire than just Nick Nolte. It also am have criminals as well as police. And that's the story of why this show am called is The Wire. 

The moral of the story is: Bitch, stay off that heron.

All but Curb are (for now) on Amazon Primo, along with the equally magnificent Boardwalk Empire, Bored To Death, and Eastbound & Down. Watch and love them all. 

Toilet Theater Presents...

End Of Sprays

Fracking. Apocalypse Man commits suicide. Storms intensify. Hate breeds. Killers are common. The End of Human Times will be a slow death. Always be ready for the brutality of society's demise. If you're lucky, you'll die en masse, and won't have to breathe the poison, survivors' air. 

Here's some Sasquatch shit spray scraped from the big leaves at the pit in the universe formerly known as Bloggy Creek... 

Death Machine (1994)

Both John Carpenter and Sam Raimi's names were used in this movie version of the video game E-SWAT. Though neither genius had anything to do with this brown bump of science fiction. It stars Brad Doriff (AKA Wormtounge/Chuck) as Jack Dante (Joe Dante??), the one who makes the Hardman. No shit, that's really what they call cyborgs in this poo. Hardmans. Anyway, as the main creator of the Hardmans, Chucky is our science martyr. Weed is wasted with elaborate joint constructs. There is a distinct lack of communication between camerawork and editing. With believable sets, and one great actor, there's not a whole lot to complain about…other than your sides aching for hours as you double over in laughter from this 90s dook-relic.

Hellgate (1989)

Hot on the heels of the Lorenzo Lamas' commando vehicle, Snake Eater, Ron Palillo (AKA Horshack) stars in Hellgate. Hellgate tries to cash in on the very last drop of late 80s, sentimental, 50s nostalgia diarrhea in the worst way. It opens with an attempted gang-rape by some bikers at a carnival. The rape is foiled by the carnival's knife thrower, and from there, this shit story and its timeline become viciously incoherent. A magic crust of crystal gives life to a malevolent taxidermic turtle. A lithe, sexy Swede ghost chick affects the stalling of Horshack's car. Remember that old ghost story about the girl with the ribbon round her neck? This is a 50s diner re-hash of that tale, only there's no ribbon. There's just her elegant neck, which contains her throat, what utters: "I'm not like them. I don't belong here." Where do you think Radiohead got their idea from? Isolation? Alienation? Alien Nation? Nope. It was Hellgate.

Reasons to watch this shit: Horshack rules it. That Swede chick, poking her ass out all over the place. That Swede chick's boobs. A girl who looks like a boy is sexually unsatisfied. The hot black waitress. A pink jeep. (If you're into that.) Canned guitar from hell. A highly british comedian with noodle hair. Panties. Haunted houses. A hot car named Josie. It makes you realize how shitty nostalgia malt shops really are. On the other hand, it also makes you realize how badass actual legacy diners are. 

Fuck this movie. Go see The Angry Video Game Nerd Movie, Edge Of Tomorrow, or the new Planet Of The Apes flick. Damn, dirty apes rule all! For after, here's a list of awesome diners in the Denver area worth your time:

Davie's Chuck Wagon 9495 W Colfax

Rosie's Diner 14061 E Iliff

20th St Cafe 1123 20th 

The Butcher Block Cafe 1701 38th St

Pete's Kitchen 1962 E Colfax

Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

Fuck yeah. Another Corman critical playground. Before Alien, before Return Of The Jedi, before Blade Runner, and way before Firefly, there was a Galaxy Of Terror. Automatic Legendary Log. Beyond its killer cult-status, Galaxy of Terror creates clumsy sci-fi archetypes without even knowing it. Obviously heavily under-the-influence of Empire Strikes Back, this one blasts out that ass with intergalactic stars like: Mr. Martian Hand (Ray Walston), Freddy (Robert Englund), CPT Spaulding (Sid Haig), Joanie from Happy Days (Erin Moran) and Twin Peaks First Lady (Amazing Grace Zabriskie). Rather than fuck anything up for you, I'll say nothing to spoil the fun. Look, just watch this, OK?

Far from a piece of shit, itself, Galaxy Of Terror is gold fucking nugget. If only they'd had some real production capital, this movie would be on that sci-fi short list of all-time classics. Here's 5 of those, besides those mentioned above. If you're here, you probably already know the other 10x much…

1-Logan's Run

2-Running Man

3-Silent Running

4-The Day The Earth Stood Still

5-Akira  

Frogs (1972) 

Frogs is one of those seriously environmentalist bits of science fiction. It's a great example of scientific speculation as wild warning, like Gojira (1954), Swamp Thing (1982) or The Toxic Avenger (1984). Frogs stars a very young Sam Elliot as a nature photog who wrecks into a kinky couple. He shortly finds his whole world eaten up by a dead plot and some toxic frogs. One thing I wondered about frogs, during Frogs, was: What about the toads? I also further pondered: What about the gators, turtles, salamanders, lizards, newts, gekos, and skinks? What about snakes? What happens when a snake eats one of those mutant Frogs? Does it mutate too?  

  

NerdPostXclusive: Arcade Archives- Reduxed

Here I am, reviewing video games, contradicting myself again because I learned new shit. Unless you're a moron, (impossible if you're reading this) most movie and TV show remakes are shit. The same cannot be said of video games. Like myself, and most wines, video games get better with age. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nostalgia is typically useless. However, many designers' love for classic games have brought about some new, smoother and sleeker versions of them. From 2D to 2.5D/3D, here are some exemplary examples.    

Double Dragon/NEON

Many friendships were forged by the glow of Double Dragon. This 2-player, classic brawler, was the younger brother of Technos/Taito's Renegade. Known as Nekketsu Kouha Kunio-Kun (Hot-Blooded Hard-liner Kunio) in Japan, Renegade was the prototype for the beat-'em up or belt scrolling genre. Both Renegade and Double Dragon were the brainchildren of this genre's Grandfather, 

Kishimoto Yoshihisa. 

Though Kishimoto had no direct role in the development of Double Dragon Neon, WayForward Technologies' respectful affection for his original designs is obvious. With character designs by the fantastically prolific Genzoman (Gonzalo Ordóñez Arias) and music by WayForward's incredible composer Jake Kaufman (Duck Tales Remastered), Double Dragon Neon is a less-gritty, more-pretty, homage to it's classic counterpart.

Bionic Commando/Rearmed

The much more playable sequel to Commando. The killer, classic, Capcom, Arcade amusement, Bionic Commando was and still is awesome. The NES port was a big success, too and is the basis for this remake. It was developed by the now defunct, Swedish studio, Grin. Bionic Commando: Rearmed (2009) is a gorgeous, gracious salute to Super Joe. Still, I am plagued by one question. Why just the one arm? Once bionics become available to the general public, I'm getting 2 of those fuckers.

     

Elevator Action/Deluxe

When you download the new, more beautiful and easier to control version of this Arcade relic, you may be delighted to find that it includes the classic version too. Both versions are fun and challenging, but prolonged play is for experts only. If like me, you're not a wizard of the old school, just play these in micro-doses. They're excellent for killing small tracts of time.To count, I have had 6 sexual elevator encounters in my life. Of that 6, 4 were just quickie blow-jobs and of that 4, none ended in climax. Great foreplay though. Props be to the 2 lovely ladies who made those music-video moments happen. Thank you. You are both so beautiful. 

(Like either of them are reading this…As if.) 

Shinobi

One hit and you're dead. Shinobi (1987) takes a lot of practice to master. Still, you've got to love that music. The PS2 version of Shinobi (2002), while maintaining the difficulty of the Arcade original, is far more diverse in gameplay than its ancestor. You still have your blade, stars and Ninpo, and your reflexes must still be Shinobi quick. But, the 3D environment allows you to run along walls, dash n' slash, do combos and throw shuriken in your opponents' faces from a multitude of angles. Another challenging feature of the remake, the Akujiki is your sword. It must feed on the Yin (soul negativity) of those it kills, otherwise it will feed off yours… 

HA DEE YA!!

         

Strider

Strider, AKA Strider Hiryu (High Ryu?) was a manga created by the mangaka collective Moto Kikaku, and published by Kadokawa. The main character, Hiryu, originally designed by Wada Tatsumi, is part of a group of assassins called The Striders who is forced back into action. In the Arcade version by Capcom, exploiting the character's speed and freedom of movement were the cornerstones of successful gameplay. An excellent challenge for your hand-eye reflex, and your damn nerves. 8-bit ports were also released for the NES, and Sega Master System.

The new Strider (2014) is a very innovative improvement on the original. Conspicuiously faster, and with more freedom of movement than the old, new, HD Strider is vastly more dynamic visually. Just like in the original, your weapon is the electro-sword, Cypher, and you have hooks for climbing. New Strider was developed by Capcom Osaka, and Double Helix Games (makers of the latest in the Killer Instinct series). Even those unfamiliar with the original inception, will enjoy this new hack n' slash gem. Like Ninja Gaiden, in space, on coke.

       

Try 'em all. About $9.99 a pop on PSN.

Newer Gameage

Here's some newer games. UH!

It's Keifer.

Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes

To tide us over until The Phantom Pain, Kojima has given us an amazing chunk of good meaty Tactical Espionage Action to chew on. Ground Zeroes is the most immersive of any stealth military game I've ever played. The environment while much more restrictive than GTAV is far more interactive. Even though it is short, Ground Zeroes gives you a lot to do, and seemingly infinite ways to do it. By far, it is the best designed game on this list.  

Sweet Katana.

South Park: Stick of Truth

Probably the funniest video game ever conceived, Stick Of Truth has it all. Beautiful FF-style, intuitive battle screens. Tough abortions. Diverse character customization, including a creative and highly variable arsenal of weapons and tactics. Lots to do as a new kid everyone calls douche-bag. Eventually nazi-zombies are brought in. If you have the video-tenacity you may even progress to fuck with Mr. Slave's anal adventure. Good luck, ye avatars of South Park. May the farts be with you.

You just got beat up by a dude with ladybug nipple armor.

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: All Star Battle

AKA: JoJo's Ridiculously Homo-erotic Fighting Game. Unlike the west, in the developed east, androgyny is not only respected but revered. There are many positive portrayals of gay and transgender characters in modern Japanese pop culture. Nowhere is this more evident than in the pages of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, a manga created by Araki Hirohiko, in 1986. JoJo tells the story of Jonathan Joestar and his evil adopted brother, Dio.      

While similar to Hokuto No Ken, in its brother vs brother plot, and use of fictional martial arts systems, JoJo takes place in the late 19th century instead of the post apocalyptic wastes, and is more comedic than dramatic in its story. The costumery of the charters is, to the western eye, very homosexual-looking. As for the game, it's a great arcade-style fighter. It has a plethora of characters with tons of moves and earn-able upgrades. Weird as hell, but hilariously fun. 

Stolen from Dishonored.

Thief

Have you played Dishonored by Bethesda? It is everything this game wishes it was, and more. In Dishonered, you are not just a thief, but an assassin, charged with many politically volatile, dangerous duties. In Dishonored you have a more impressive range of powers. Some of these powers make time, space, and physics abstract. Thief is prettier than Dishonored graphically. Thief is smooth, but as far as gameplay goes, Dishonored will hook you deeper. Besides, Dishonored was released well-before Thief. Trust in the original. Dishonored was first. Its brutal complexity and superior multitude of interaction, kick the fuck out of the slightly-smoother, skulking Thief. For those hard of reading: Get Dishonored. Not Thief. Chuh-Uh!

"I DON'T WANT ANY MORE HURT!"

Rambo: The Video Game

Man, I really thought they were going to get it right this time. Fuck.

--- 

Well that's it. Even the inter-dimensional door has now closed on Bloggy Creek forever. It just isn't safe there. The B-flick butt-hole of Toilet Theater is beginning a metamorphosis of sorts, the clack-clack-ping of Pinball sounds off on the time-horizon, and be wary friends of Rigital…

THE VIDEOS ARE COMING!   

THE VIDEOS ARE COMING!

(this Fall…)

Thanks again, if you can dig it.

-2014 Wielgorecki

100 Enough Is Enough.

"Without people, you're nothing."

-J. Strummer

Well, it's high time I fucked off. For the most part, I have people figured out. That's why I'm a solitary outsider. I've been too kind to ever be feared, and too hurt to ever be loved. I've always been a crazy person enjoyed only in micro-doses. Knowing when to walk away is a skill I've gotten really awesome at over the years. People used to tolerate me when I was younger. I was possibly prettier, and definitely more of a pussy back then. The truth may be that I should've offed myself long ago. Many who knew me would love it. Sometimes, even me. But... 

I will never suicide. 

Rather than destroy myself, I'll stay alive. Living only for spite, if need be. All the hate and rejection I've ever received has been a very empowering experience for me. As decades fall by, and my enemies die off, (either physically, mentally, or emotionally) I will get stronger and stronger. Despite what hippies and shrinks might tell you, vengeance can heal. I will live happy just knowing I've outlived my every enemy in freedom. Just knowing they're dead, (or dead inside) and I'm not, will be enough. My delicious soul food. 

Every generation offers its youth much to be angry about. This may never change. Frustration and confusion will always plague the young. For many, those perpetually horny years of madness might have seemed like the best. The pitfalls of nostalgia can be as dangerous as they are dumbing. We must only learn from the past. Pining for it without a working time-portal is sad and futile. Despite the 20/20 cliche, hindsight is often important. As soon as you attach your heart to hindsight, it becomes nostalgia, and therefore, a hazard to your advancement. A shit slip.

There's no need to miss the old days, the only necessity is that we learn something from them. We all have people we miss, but, missing any space-time you aren't in guarantees frustration. Once you realize you're totally on your own in life, it all gets way easier. Learn to be cool with yourself, and own your loneliness, but know when to ask people for help. If you can do that, you may have a relaxed and rewarding life. It's a crazy balance, but no matter who we think we are, we are all always stuck with ourselves. Most die alone.  

It matters less what you leave behind, than what you take away.

As for the blog? I mean, come on. Very few advanced beings ever read this thing anyway. How long was I supposed to go on needlessly opining on media and pop-culture from my vulgar, uneducated perspective? For all those of you who read, understood or otherwise enjoyed any of the Legends of Bloggy Creek, I thank you. You are as close to friends as I'll ever make, and I greatly appreciate your time and thought. I hope great things happen for you and your loved ones in the future. Live your dreams. Outlive your nightmares.

I am no one. It is doubtful anyone will ever be interested in the views of a single, childless, social misfit, media hobbyist/essayist living in some fictional, paranormal state park. People in general, just don't like me. No hair off my ass. I had a lot of fun writing this. Praising projects I respect, shitting on those I don't, and undoubtedly pissing off any nemeses from my past who were bitterly curious enough to Google my name. It allowed me to grow as a writer, which is all that matters. Fame means nothing. I grin like a fucking geek at the idea of dying an unread, unknown. I need no appreciation.           

Whenever, however I meet my end doesn't matter. So far, my life has been an awesome adventure. Death could come anytime. I'll be ready, and most likely alone. Be assured, I will be smiling. I will laugh at my death. There are great things on my horizon. I look forward to the future. There's so much I have to do, but I am happy to do the work. In my mind there is harmony. In my heart, there are many beautiful secrets I'll be glad to die with. The future approaches like lightning. Even if malevolence becomes my only reason to live, I'll still die a happy man. 

I'll still get laid and paid while I'm alive.  

I chuckle at the thought that my continued existence may be bothersome or harmful to some. I get off on it. Let these and all the words I ever write form vicious, invincible tumors in all my enemies. Let every last syllable give them disease and despair. I shit on their graves. Piss on their memory. I laugh at their loved ones' tears. To me, love has been nothing but a form of temporary, shared mental illness. A symbiotic delusion. I've wasted the first third of my life caring and loving people so much that it almost killed me. Time's a-wastin'. Enough cliches. It is time to move on. For everything, at some point, enough is enough. Here we are.   

"I give you me. I give you nothing."

-G. Graffin

Thank You All.

-2014 Wielgorecki

99 The Sum Of All Creeks

Hey, now…don't dream it's over. In its cyber-swamp of clones, this Creek stands alone. The chronicle remains, and if I ever find a cool person who can hold a camera, there will be videos...

I have risen from the dead inside, high above the useless, glorious, beautiful amusements of Love. The Time Tunnels are all gone. Much of Bloggy Creek's ice has thawed up. The Fantabulous Thaw Brothers struck again. (The famous brotherly Kung Fu duo from the Sun.) They came down from their Hotel on the Sun to beat the shit out of most of The Ice Lizards. It was a killer battle. After it was all done, Lumera, The Fantabulous Thaw Brothers' Sister (AKA The Sun-Babe) came down to dance a taunting dance in the sky above us. Her dance drove off the remaining ranks of The Ice Lizards, who have have since run back up into the Mountains, leaving us few who remain, in peace. Those fucking lizards won't be missed. Lumera will. She went home to heaven, but her Fantabulous bro-hams stuck around here on Earth long enough to get some sweet sponsorships from Honda, Smith & Wesson, Neuman's Own, and Fanta. They lucky, Sun.

I will remain consistent in support of my rare and few allies. I'll also do my best to keep the (LINKS) updated, and will continue to answer any questions and comments that pop up. It's a lot like being the maintenance man at an amusement park that's been shut down. Bloggy Creek represents my raw, possibly misguided attempts at humor. It was primarily an experimental writing exercise. Non-fiction, poetry, media reviews, journalistic abstractions, song parody, and lots and lots of editorial. I'll be taking a new, more personal direction with the next one. More blog, less blah-blah. I hope your genius will join me there. (LINK)       

This post will function as a sort of Table of Crontents for The Legends of Bloggy Creek. If you prefer, you could use the Creek Chronicle at your right to look up any post you want by date/title. This way is just way easier.

NPX = NerdPostXclusives

TTP = Toilet Theater Presents

PCP = Poop-Culture Phenomena  

 1- Duh. Road trips cost money. (LINK)

 2- Get ready for a surprise... (LINK)

 3- Facebook friendship means nothing. (LINK)

 4- Sad Bats vs Mad Max. Max wins. Fatality. (LINK)

 5- Youth vs Experience. Experience wins. Friendship? (LINK)

 6- The long lost art of giving credit where it's due. Dale kills! (LINK)

 7- NPX: 7 stars. 7 scars. 100 crack fist. (LINK)

 8- Women seem wicked, when they don't want you. (They aren't. LINK)

 9- Vampire Movies. (LINK)

10- Werewolf Movies. (LINK)

11- Horror Genre Legends. (LINK)

12- I was right. It got worse. (LINK)

13- Toilet Theater 1. A call to arms for the original John Connor. (LINK)

14- Meh. Not much here. 

15- My first PCP. (LINK)

16- Miami's Nice. Florida's Fucked. (LINK)

17- Toilet Theater 2: Darkman 2: Idiotic Scientist + more. (LINK)

18- PCP 2. 2013 Grammys-Slam. (LINK)

19- Headbanging 1101. (LINK)

20- Meh. Not much here, neither.

21- Yo Joe Bio: GO! (LINK)

22- Toilet Theater 3: Action Crappin'. (LINK)

23- An Oscar in their every hole. (LINK)

24- NPX: Arcade Archives 1. Ninja Gaiden. (LINK)

25- Toilet Theater 4: Gangsters & Tits. (LINK)

26- More gangsters. More great tits. (LINK)

27- NPX: 8-Bit Crypt 1. Goonies. (LINK)

28- PCP 3. Twilight Zones, Movie Stars, Car Ads, and Big Fat Crybabies. (LINK)

29- Words as Art...Bad Art. (LINK)

30- All Star Wars Nerd Shit. All Weekend. (LINK)

31- NPX: Tomb of the 16-Bit 1 + a free video game idea. (LINK) 

32- Weapons are people's cocks. (LINK)

33- PCP 4. Free Radical Positive Energy 4 U. (LINK)

34- LitSpit 1. Jerzy Kosinski's sick-ass Cockpit. (LINK)

35- Toilet Theater 5: Boycott all boy-fuckers. (LINK)

36- Fun with Karaoke! (LINK)

37- Skate Nazis Must Die!! (LINK)

38- NPX: 8-Bit Crypt 2. T&C Surf Design. (LINK)

39- I love pissing people off by skateboarding. (LINK)

40- LitSpit 2. Dave Carnie's Boob. (LINK)

41- Rodney did it first. (LINK)

XX- Money Making Secrets from Dimension X. (LINK)

42- Do Not Read/Panic.

43- NPX: Arcade Archives 2. Superman. (LINK)

44- The Comedy. Awesome Movie. Great Job! (LINK)

45- PCP 5. TV trash and weirdness that resulted in creativity. (LINK)

46- Hitler was a bitch. Elvis was a pimp. (LINK)

47- "What am I doin' in Denver Colorado??" (LINK)  

48- Toilet Theater 6: 3 Trucks full of shit. (LINK)

49- This never happened.

50- Domo Otomo. (LINK)

51- NPX: Arcade Archives 3. Burgertime. (LINK) 

52- Toilet Theater 7: A Daze of Whine & Disco. (LINK)

53- I pretend real feminist authors would make out with me. (LINK)

54- Cobra-Kai = A bunch of closeted Valley homos. (LINK)

55- Tai Chi Weirdo. (LINK)

56- Arcade Archives 4. Yie Ar Kung Fu. (LINK) 

57- Toilet Theater 8: Hong Kong Poopie. (LINK)

58- Dwight Shrute: Mega-Manager. (LINK)

59- PCP 6. Office antagonists, and TV's demon doo. (LINK)

60- Toilet Theater 9: Apes A-Ploppin'. (LINK)

61- Parents are the worst. (LINK)

U62- Intro to the Tales of Ed. (LINK)

63- ED-0: He's was a friend of mine. (LINK)

64- ED-1: Sometimes deviant behavior = A bond of friendship. (LINK)

65- ED-2: Operation: Pukestain. A disgusting success. (LINK) 

66- ED-3: Putting out a fire with my pre-teen pussy. (LINK)

67- ED-4: Some spirits die young. (LINK)

68- PCP 7. Ham, Hockey, and a YouTube Sack o' Gems. (LINK)

69- You can feel the love, deep in your genitals. (LINK)

70- Toilet Theater 10: This shit is all over the place. (LINK)

71- Cowboy vs Alien. Cowboy wins. Perfect. (LINK)

72- Snack from the dead. (LINK)

73- NPX: Arcade Archives 5. Roringu Sanda! (LINK)

74- PCP 8. The Good. The Bad. The Weird. (LINK)

75- Toilet Theater 11: Street Sharts. (LINK)

76- Smells Like Charles Nelson Riley's Spirit. (LINK)  

77- Giant-Sized Annual #1. (LINK)

78- Harland Williams' weird is good. (Best with cinnamon. LINK)

79- LitSpit 3. Harris Wittels' Humblebrag. (LINK)

80- Journalism: Not Necessarily An Ooze. (LINK)

81- Why do I keep making this shit? (I love it. LINK)

82- Dopamine Spikes + Music + Boobs. (LINK)

83- 6 shots. 6 bullseyes. (LINK)

84- TTPTTTT1: House-shitting. (LINK)   

85- TTPTTTT2: Spaceshit crashes. (LINK)

86- TTPTTTT3: Devil's dumps. (LINK)

87- TTPTTTT4: Freaky asses. (LINK)

88- TTPTTTT5: A toilet breaks and is hauled away. (LINK)

89- Do Not Read. Sing if ya got 'em. (Pipes, that is.)

90- PCP 9. Roastin' that ass like a rumproast. + Nasty-boasts. (LINK)

91- NPX: T-Day. Watch those ninjas really go! (LINK)

FWD>> The 2013 Bloggy Creek Time-Cap. (LINK)

93- Toilet Theater 18: Santa's Sack O' Shit. (LINK)

X-Mass: Just another day. (LINK)

95- Plan your escape carefully. (LINK)

96- NPX: It's over. (LINK)

97- Winter Special: Meta-Media. (LINK)

98- My retarded Frankenstein heart will never love again. (LINK) 

99- Table Of Creeky Content. This one. Duh.

100- I am nothing...

Robby Roo?

Did you already figure out that Robby Rigital is a pseudonym I have been using, or, that Robby Rigital is a
Scooby-Doo-pronounced amalgam of a pseudonym of my favorite Hip-Hop artist, The RZA, and a living tribute to my own Grandad? You did? Damn. You solved the mystery...And I would've got away with it, too, If it weren't for those meddling rat children from Mars.

   

The Ballad of Robby Rigital

I ignore pain

I ignore weather

Bones like steel

Skin like leather

(AND)

Heart like a heat pump

Mind like a katana

My Dad is the Cosmos

The Mountains are my Mama

(AND)

I keep my rivals in the dark

I show my friends the light

Never was afraid of death

My spirit burns so bright

(AND)

To grapple with me

To hold water in your hand

No door is ever locked to me

I fear no thing or man

(AND)

A generator of ideas

No matter right or wrong

I will still be here for you

When all the rest have gone.

---

It's up to you now. Choose your own adventure:

Scroll down down down to watch my words devolve.

OR

Click (HERE) to move on to the advanced levels.

-2014 Wielgorecki

98 My Love Is Hard

I've been out a while. Don't chalk it up to Bronco-fan depression. I watched less than 5 minutes of the ol' horse slaughter last month. I'm more a Bears fan, and Base-ketball fan, and a Beers fan. A special blast goes out to all you lovers out there: 

Happy Valtrex-tine's Day. Be safe. Don't fuck up. (And by "fuck-up" I mean get AIDS/Herpes. DON"T!)

It was 2 years ago today, that my wife-to-be, was killed. Her body was chopped in half by a meth-head driver, in a huge, speeding dump truck full of dead animals. I loved her so much. My betrothed's bisection was actually a blessing in disguise, because she also had an incurable ass disease. That ass was sick. Which is worse? Being ripped in two by a big, nasty 80 ton truck, or, suffering slowly through years of vile anus rot? I really cunt say. Only one thing is certain: 

She's totally dead.

     

God's really just a hater isn't he? "You two can't fuck unless I say it's OK." He's such a dick. You know he watches too? Goddamn perv. Overseer. He's really more of a smiter than a hater though…

---

Toilet Theater Presents...Coiled Brown Cobra. Chocolate Boobs.

It was back during last Halloween, when the Terrible Terror Toilet was removed, that the reality crack beneath The Toilet Theater first ruptured. It has now split to an unmanageable size. It will, in the near future, swallow the whole theater. One last screening will be held here. Good Night, Sweet Toilet. We hardly knew ye. Falling into a reality crack can be hazardous. Always handle snakes carefully. View at ye own risk. 

Night Of The Cobra Woman (1972)
Not to be confused with Cobra Woman (1944), or Black Cobra Woman (1976), Night Of The Cobra Woman is the story of a horny female researcher named Joanna. She has sort of a "Pippi Longstocking: The College Years" look. Joanna was played by an actress actually named Joy Bang. Apparently, she bang. When she's not hooking monkeys up to shit and experimenting on them, she has a scrawny boyfriend she fucks. His name's Duff. Just picture Duff from GNR if you want. Duff is accompanying Joanna on her trip to find the Cobra Woman and her Magic Snake.

The actual Cobra Woman was once a human woman. She was a nurse, until one day while exploring a cave (as nurses are often prone to do??) she gets bit by a cobra named Larry who grants her the power of eternal youth. She's hot too. Wouldn't that be awesome if just once, a really ugly chick could get that power? I believe the dialogue would go a little like this...

"She'll never age."
"So what. She's hideous."

The Cobra Woman was played by actress and super-sexy black woman, Marlene Clark. Ms. Clark has appeared on tons of TV. From Bonanza, to Sanford and Son, to The Mod Squad, she's also been in a few cool cult classics like Switchblade Sisters (1975) and Black Mamba (1974). Her most memorable appearance was in Enter The Dragon (1973), as Roper's lady. The Cobra Woman has cool snakey skin, and fucks Joanna's mananah. Tits a poppin'. Duff then gets her herpetosis and becomes all snakey. This movie takes every chance it can to show Marlene's glorious boobs. I'm a bit of a boobgazer myself, a real toportunist. Plus, they're definitely the only (non-porn) boobs I'll be seeing tonight. Sorry, I'm supposed to be talking about this movie, right?

The Cobra Woman fucks a local invalid. He becomes this Peter Lorre caricature who's face gets all crazy. Some of this movies best bits are when this guy is going apeshit. Duff gets all hung up on the Cobra Woman. An obvious choice. Some Eagle kills Larry. (I believe the eagle's name was Don.) But Larry's snake-ghost haunts The Cobra Woman. The Cobra Woman Must Die! Long Live The Cobra Women! (LINK)

If you want to see a fellah that's really into snake venom like Duff check out this awesome news documentary by Vice (LINK) Night Of The Cobra Woman is a fuckin' awesome riffer's dream. There may be more silence than sound in this shit. Watch if you dare.

If it ever becomes a thing again, Toilet Theater may return. I'm saying "Smell Ya Later" to the stinkers for now. I plan to give myself steady mega doses of GOOD movies, and reading. Thanks to all you riffers who read. There's a shitload of bad movies out there. 

---

Last LitSpit: My Friend Dahmer

"The premise of this book was that Dahmer was a tragic figure, but that only applies up until the moment he kills."  -Backderf (on My Friend Dahmer)

John Backderf, AKA Derf Backderf (DERF) is one of the most inventive creators in American comics. Like many great artists, he draws inspiration from his own life. He's known mostly for his daily strip The City. He also wrote and illustrated the neo-cult-classic Punk Rock & Trailer Parks. In stark contrast to My Friend Dahmer, PR&TP is a festive and humorous tale told out of the Akron, Ohio 1970's wasteland Derf grew up in. Besides being where Devo is from, Akron also had many other famous Punk/New Wave acts pass through it back then. Summit County also houses Bath Township, where Backderf attended Revere High School with his classmate and occasional friend, Jeffrey Dahmer.

"A sick, pathetic, miserable life story, that's all it is."  -Dahmer (on himself)

My Friend Dahmer is one of the most subtly creepy stories I've ever read. To know, even in hindsight that the dull pupa of such a brutal menace was amidst you and your friends growing up, must have been as revelatory as it was disturbing. Although serial killers are interesting subjects, I often steer clear of reading stories about Dahmer, because I find him absolutely repugnant. This story is different, because it doesn't focus on rubberneckin' bloodlust, and tells very little of Dahmer as a serial killer. It is a deeply personal story told thoughtfully. The focus of My Friend Dahmer is aimed on this maniac as a troubled young sociopath who's obvious mental illness was ignored by teachers and who's emotional needs were never met by his indifferent, incompatible parents. 

"I'm often asked why I never spoke up. Why I didn't try to get Dahmer help…A better question is where were the damn adults."  -Backderf (on why)

The storytelling is split, much like Dahmer's own unsettling, secretive duality. Half is compiled from Derf and his friends' memories of Dahmer as a high school spazz, and half from Dahmer's own speculative perspective. Backderf's style of cartoonish caricature adds a sporadic bit of black humor to this otherwise completely gloomy account. I believe that despite the inclusion of these few, grim amusements, (which Dahmer was the butt of) that total respect and sensitivity for the surviving victims of Dahmer's horrific crimes was shown. If you pick up a copy of this robustly eerie, and somber graphic novel, maybe you too, will remember an old classmate like Dahmer, and think twice before laughing when someone quips "He's probably a serial killer, now." 

"...Some apes, they gotta go…"  -The Vandals

---

 NOT AGAIN!

Sasquatch, accompanied by a convoy of his local fans, took off in his neon-camo Jeep this morning. Some of the Space Children from School did the art for their banners. Freak flags that now whip the cold breeze on some lost Colorado highway. At the Farewell party, there was much fanfare, free beer, and an inspired, improv a cappella performance featuring Sasquatch, Uncle Yeti, Swamp Thing, Jim Nabors' cyborg double, and Stephen Hawking. Once the festivities had ended, and the teary, thermally clad folks in the audience started to head out, a sad feeling dropped down. A heavy blanket soaked in gorilla tears seemed to cover me. 

For a moment, I was paralyzed with despair as I laid on the frozen ground. A light who identified itself as "Zuzz" then appeared before me. It made sounds I'd never heard before. Somehow, I understood what it was saying. But, even more astounding, I can recall what it said to me, word for word, in rhythmic English:

"Beauty is an omen of danger. Fear is a friend of defeat. All those who can breathe can be bought. All those who can bleed can cheat. Trust is the only thing without price. Love is a beautiful myth. Death is for every living thing, every time. Life is not a gift." 

"WHOA, dude." I reply-screamed. I looked down to see that I'd been lifted over 200 feet into the sky. There was a piss-yellow cloud of light around me. It was warm, then cold. I awoke soaked in my own urine, near some railroad tracks I'd never seen before. I had no idea where I was. "Not again." I thought. "Not again…" 

After walking a short way, I decided to take a shit on the sidewalk. It was cold. I'd chosen a pretty busy intersection. There was a lot of honking until I swore a cop had pulled up behind me, blue strobes ablaze. "FUCK!" I fumed, as I heard his car door slam. "HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SHIT IN THIS COLD?!?" I yelled back at him. I looked behind me. Nothing. All I thought was there was abruptly gone. No lights. No Cop. No cars. Not a headlight nor a honk anywhere. Not a sight. Not a sound. Had I imagined it all? I finished my shit and walking fast to stay warm, I drifted in the direction I thought my house was. 

I woke up that morning in a drunk tank in another state. "Not AGAIN!" I thought. "Not again."

---

The multitude of holes in space/time that dot the landscape of Bloggy Creek have begun to fire off and to "speak" to one another. They blast beautiful rays of singing light into space each night now. Different colors every night. Different beautiful songs that move and change with no warning or explanation. No need for one. They make such wonderful music in the icy cold sky above me. Sometimes I'd just sit underneath them, smiling with tears freezing to my eyes so hard it made me laugh. 

The strange power that has lived beneath the Creek for heaven knows how long, is migratory. Where it goes from here is anyone's guess. For now, in the last days of Bloggy Creek, I will enjoy my meditations sat here in the frozen swamps under the singing stars. I'll listen to the laughter of the ancient souls in space who make miracles without effort. Such astounding amusements they all were…are. When they go, and are gone, I'm sure I will miss them terribly.

---

Last Dance With PCP

We Can Dunce If We Want To...

NETWORX

I finally watched The Crazy Ones. It's a great show…if you like to watch good-looking, bad actors fuck around with Robin Williams. The Olympics are on. Shaun got beat. It's evolution. Even the greatest of snow ninjas must relax to evolution. Why are sports so revered in our country? The answer is money. Advertising money to be specific. Sports means ads. It's just like how snow and ice eventually become mud. It's a natural symbiosis. Like Mom, Baby, and the umbilicus, Sports, TV and Ads are all one thing. Oh yeah, and beer too. Big Beer.

CINEMA

300 part 2 is a farce. You can't even call it 300, ya motherfuckers. There's way more than 300 Spartans fighting in it. It was a big war. Call it something else. I'm not knocking green-screen as a comic-to-cinema art form, of course. It's awesome when it's used right, as Sin City, and 300 part 1 proved to us all years ago. Let's hope those green-screen-dreamers do right by the comic artists/writers next time.

CABLE

Alaska State Troopers has broadened my horizons. FUCK, man! Alaska is weird as fuck. Everyone is armed and they drive around crazy and wasted. Weed for personal use is totally illegal. But, Alaska is truly the last American frontier. It's 90% wild. It's amazing to think about what Alaska will be like in 100 years. How will America tame its last strange? I guess we'll see.

POLITICS

Obama's 2012 campaign song should have been "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell. (LINK)

10 Things I Want To See

(But Can't Yet Make Happen)

Balboa vs Titanoboa: The Video Game.

That contrived, crazed & confused look on James Holmes' face as he's getting brutally ass raped.

A laser that makes people shit their pants. (Only side effect: violent muscle spasms.)

The Reese'sTM Peanut Butter Burger...

Optional Cybernetic Upgrades. (Or mutations that make them unnecessary.)

Nude Boobs allowed on network TV in the U.S. 

Hoverboards. (C'mon, now!)

A treatise that allows the Batman TV series to be sold globally, as a boxed set, in my lifetime.

Alpha Centauri.

A nationwide 24-hour, pizza/sandwich/beer-delivery hotline.     

---

Happy Heart-Card Day, everyone. Love is the greatest joke ever told. Get it. See you friends where the sidewalk ends. Love ya! 

-2014 Wielgorecki

97 Meta-Media

Yeti By Brent Hollowell (LINK)

Life moves pretty slow out here in Bloggy Creek during the winter. The Creek itself is completely frozen over. Migratory, bio-luimnecant, anti-gravity, highly-intelligent octopods called Govoks float around pooping all over the park. Sasquatch can be heard revving his chainsaw as he carves out crude, anatomically incorrect, short-lived, ice sculptures with Uncle Yeti, high in the mountains above us. Tourism to our time-holes subsides, The Toilet Theater is closed, and as long as you dress toasty, and keep a vigilant eye out for The Ice Lizards, you should be fine. As far as I'm concerned, quiet is beautiful. Welcome friends, to this frigid place of peace.

Groove on, MOVIES
Just because NPX bit it last week, doesn't mean, by any means, that my media opines will relent. As a nerd and vidiot, I spent a lot of wonderfully wasted time reading into and writing about shitty movies last year. I figure it's time I wrote about some of the great ones. Here are some awesome recent flicks worth your time. No joke.

Jack Reacher (2012)
"Neo-Rambo is about to explode."
Jack Reacher is the new John Rambo of the 21st Century. He lives off the grid. Off of Goodwills and Salvation Army hangers, out of pawn shops and gas stations. Like all MP's he is trained to physically deal with out-of-control, SOG motherfuckers from every branch of service. Without telling you anything, I highly recommend this new action film classic to all true action-fans. It kicks fuckin' ass all over the place, just like Tom Cruise always has. Watch Jack Richard on Netflix. For your action. For your justice.

Last Stand (2013)
"I am the Sheriff. I COVA YOU!!"
Where Jack Reacher re-hashes the Rambo hero-rebel dynamic, Last Stand does so with TV's classic A-Team-style group dynamic. With Arnie, Johnny Knoxville, Luis Guzman, Peter Stormare, Forest Whitaker and an army of crazily badass stunt-people, Last Stand beats your eyes shitless and makes you want some more. Thank you, Kim Jee-Woon! It harkens back to those great action films of yesteryear, where killer stunts and beautifully violent, fantastically shot sequences kick tactical realism's ass every time. This desert town demolition flick also stars the beautiful Jaimie Alexander (who can perform over 5000 face-tightening exercises per hour) from Thor 1 and 2. Bottom line? Last Stand has some of the best automobile stunts ever shot by any camera anywhere. GO! GO!

Crystal Fairy (2013)

"Snatch it up. Cook it. Drink it down. OH KNOW!"

This easy work of genius, and his less-stressed sister, madness, was directed by Chilean film visionary, Sebastian Silva. It stars Michael Cera as a North American, hell-bent on trying San Pedro cactus (Echinopsis pachanoi) juice. The cactus is a psychedelic once used by the Moche civilization of that region for shamanistic purposes for generations, despite its now Catholic name. Although this film follows all its characters through their trips, I will reveal none of it to you here. What I will reveal, is that Gaby Hoffmann's performance in this, is ultra-prolific. Some of the best acting I've seen in years. That's all I'm going to say. View it. Cut it. Cook it. Know it.

Wrong Cops (2013)

"Write a book about what?!"

Did you see Rubber (2010)? Quentin Dupieux directed it, too. It was awesome. Conceptual, risky, but awesome. In Wrong Cops, we see this same radness evolved. Wrong Cops is a comically right headshot of shock for a city in desperate need of it. LA is a cultural shit-hole. It is the perfect hole for the wrong type of cop to shit right on down it. Chapter 1 stars Mark Burnham, Steve Little (Eastbound & Down), Marilyn Manson, Ray Wise (Twin Peaks), Eric Roberts (Hitman's Run), Arden Myrin (MADtv) and Eric Wareheim. I loved this movie. Not just because it made fun of the ultimate comedic target (abuse of power/authority), and not just because it did so in such an intelligently askew, new way…but because of its storytelling. Wrong Cops appears to be, but the 1st chapter in Officer Duke's story. It is a story we can't wait to finish. "Write a book about what?!" Holy shit! I can't wait to find out. (LINK)

Might in MUSIC

Since I am a man almost totally devoid of musical skill, I am often reluctant to write about music. (This same lack of skill also makes it harder for me to get laid.) Like every single person in the world, I love music. Unlike people, music will never leave you, as long as you have something to play it on. Through the art and science of music, we can all escape. Even if it's just for a little while…

Heidecker & Wood: Some Things Never Stay The Same (2013)

It's a very short jump from Eric Wareheim to Tim Heidecker. Even though they achieved stardom together over the last 10 years, more recently, they've been exploring some very cool individual projects. Heidecker & Wood is one of them. Davin Wood, the composer responsible for many of the hilariously weird and amazing jinglesque tunes from the Tim & Eric musical lexicon, has also appeared on and wrote music for Portlandia. I must admit that I haven't yet heard Heidecker & Wood's debut album, Starting From Nowhere (2011). If it is anything like this album, I'll undoubtedly pick it up soon. The music on Some Things Never Stay The Same, is reminiscent of Warren Zevon, Jackson Browne, and Dan Henley's best work. Perfect for psychedelic relaxation (Sunday Man) or action driving (Getaway Man-LINK), this album rocks in honest ways that have previously been lost to Top-40 jack-offs and dumb, pretty pop-cunts. It's a breath of fresh air. Fresh, delicious Rock N Roll air. If you're into the classic, west coast rock sound, pick up Some Things Never Stay The Same. (LINK) I sincerely hope that when these guys sat down and talked about the next 10 years, there was talk of a 3rd album. Rock on.

Motorhead: Aftershock (2013)

Do I even need to review this? It's fucking Motorhead. Just get it. Listen. Every song rules Hell. It's made for hard drivin', hard fuckin', and hard drinkin'. Show yourself you aren't a little bitch and expose yourself to the Aftershock. Full Metal Juggernaut. If you aren't a metalhead, you won't get it. It's fucking Motorhead. Duh.

Garbage: Not Your Kind Of People (2012)

"We are not your kind of people. You seem kind of phony. Everything's a lie." If you think Shirley is singing this about you, she surely is. (And don't call me, surely.) For the record, Shirley Manson has one of the sexiest, multi-range voices in all of music history. Not only that, she's a great songwriter too. When you write songs alongside great geniuses like Butch Vig, Steve Marker, Duke Erikson, and The Clash, how could you not be? Her songwriting and vocalization have done nothing but evolve over the last dozen+ years. Beyond 2000, and Beyond the T-1001, she's a Rock-Goddess, a beautiful, creative, self-made immortal. Unless you are their kind of people, or you didn't already know about it, you likely already have this album.

COMEDY Creatives 

Making people laugh is one of the hardest jobs a person can have. Even if you're super smart, (like these 2) sometimes people just don't laugh. People are the worst. To me, comedians are the greatest people in the world. Without them, and the humor they share, many of us more intelligent (and therefore more depressed) people would live without laughter, in perpetual misery. Here's a couple of my favorites. Watch them, and they'll be some of your favorites too…

Catherine Tate: The Queen Of Characters

Catherine Tate will make all your funny bones horny. I neglected to talk about the immense talent that Catherine Tate is, in my farewell to The Office posts last May. The reasons for this are 2-fold. 1- I wanted to write something separate for Catherine Tate herself, not just her character on The Office, Nelly Bertram. 2- Nelly didn't really fit the mold of "rogue" or "villain" in that series. This piece was originally intended to be focused upon her own raucous series, The Catherine Tate Show, which is the best measure of her talent because she created all of its weird and hilarious characters. I have since trashed that review, because spoilers can splinter comedy, and because Tate's comedy is often based on the element of surprise. Let her surprise you. Watch The Catherine Tate Show on Netflix. This chick will kick the fuck out of your funny bone's ass and make you love it.

Dave Foley: Relatively Well (2013)

Relatively well? More like Completely Fucking Awesome Forever. After almost a decade out of the spotlight, former Kid in the Hall, and comic genius Dave Foley is finally back. Watch it on Netflix and see. I'm not going to talk any shit about it because no one can. It is awesome. Dave is awesome. Watch it if you haven't already. Unless you are a dumb, soulless chunk of shit, you'll laugh.

Insane VIDEO GAME

The world of online video game reviewing is nothing if not well-populated. I am not now, nor do I ever desire to become, a serious video game critic. It's just a world I never want to live in. The idea of video games as an interactive art form, pulls this numerically infinite media out of the dark galleries in the delightfully dingy world of their arcade ancestry, and propels them at light speed onto our walls at home. Were he alive today, DaVinci would love it. Playable artwork. Fuck yeah.

Goichi Suda, AKA- Suda51: The Mighty Grasshopper

Killer Is Dead

(2013 Grasshopper Manufacture/Kadokawa Games)

You are Mondo, an up-and-coming executioner/gigolo. Within the first 20 minutes of playing Killer Is Dead, you will fight a huge-tiitted Alice (from Wonderland) who mutates into a giant demon-lobster (ebi-akuma) in a darkly surreal dollhouse full of giant toys and candy. As a contract killer armed with cybernetic ballistics and some supernatural samurai steel, navigating the glamorously dystopian, psychedelic, cyberpunk futurescapes of this world, you can get tired. That's what the gigolo stages are for. Lets be clear about these, as they are the most controversial part of the game for some fucking reason. Quote me on it: 

"Woe to thee O fools who seek skills for the hitting on of women from thine own home video games." 

'Nuff said.

This game was designed by maverick designer, Suda-51. Born Goichi Suda, this Nagano native is CEO of Grasshopper Manufacture and creative director of 2012's sexy, hilarious-yet-brutal Lolipop Chainsaw for PS3. Suda-51 is an excellent example of a true artist. Despite censors and naysayers who criticize his designs as "perverse" or "too violent", Suda, like any true soul rebel, sticks to his artistic guns. I believe time will reveal him to be one of the most groundbreaking designers ever. Sex and violence sell video games. Sex and violence sell all media. The people who cry and bitch about it will die off. In the meantime, kill some time with Killer Is Dead. Yeah, dude. It'll blow your eyes.

We watch what we want. We listen to the music we want. We laugh at what we want. We play the games we want. We are all the masters of media. There is no limit to our imaginations. We really go. See you soon.

-2014 Wielgorecki